To have walked off and left DM in the cafe?

[ChinaBear]

Went out for coffee with DD 1yo and DM. DM had a toasted sandwich. I’m allergic to wheat but only if I ingest it. Even a crumb will make me ill. DD reached out for my coffee on the table and DM moved my cup away (which was unnecessary anyway as it was already out of DD’s reach). I asked her not to touch my cup when she has wheat crumbs on her hands because I’ll be poorly if it gets in my mouth.

A few minutes later she did exactly the same thing again and I said I’ve already asked you not to touch my cup with wheat on your hands! DD can’t reach my cup, I don’t need you to move it. Then she did it again! By which point I was getting angry and said STOP TOUCHING MY CUP YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME ILL!

The final time she picked my cup up by the rim and left visible crumbs from her fingers right where my mouth would touch the cup. So then I couldn’t drink it at all. I picked up DD and said What part of “don’t touch my cup do you not understand?!” And stormed out.

I’m utterly furious. A large coffee with syrup and cream is a rare expensive treat to have to throw it away. DH thinks I’ve been mean by storming out and leaving DM to get the bus home.

I have a bad allergy. I don’t want to be sick and can’t afford to be out of action for two days. Clearly some people don’t understand how serious a reaction can be, or how unpleasant and disruptive it is for the whole family. And they also don’t understand why you have to live your life normally and can’t just lock yourself away in case you come in contact with your allergen, any more than you can stop crossing the road in case you get hit by a car.

I got really angry because DM deprived me of a rare treat by not listening and ignoring my wishes as usual. As well as distrusting my parenting by refusing to leave the cup where I put it. Yes I overreacted by stomping off, but her telling me I’m wrong or ignoring my wishes is a long standing sore point between us and on this particular day I lost my temper.

God, there's a lot of misconception about allergies on this thread.

An allergy is an adverse reaction to an allergen.

Most allergic reactions are not life-threatening, just unpleasant for the person who has the allergy.

A reaction can be both relatively mild and caused by a very small amount of the allergen.

The fact that OP probably won't die from eating wheat doesn't make her a fraud or a hypochondriac, and the fact that her reaction to wheat is not life threatening doesn't mean that it couldn't be triggered by crumbs. None of these things downgrade her from a person with an allergy to a snowflake with an "intolerance".

www.nhs.uk/conditions/allergies/

And actually, the OP is entitled not to want to be sick in order to spare her mother's feelings. I do think that storming out of the cafe was a bit of an overreaction but so are some of the poorly informed responses on here.

I’m allergic to kiwi, I never had an epi-pen as I used to just get a rash, and get mild swelling where I had touched a kiwi, so annoying, but not a huge issue.

Three years ago I kissed my boyfriend who had drank a smoothie with kiwi in hours before at breakfast, I went into anaphylaxis and stopped breathing. A mild allergy can easily turn into a severe one overnight.

If someone touched my cup after eating a kiwi I would leave well before telling them to stop four times, it shows that they have a complete lack of care for you. And no, being 82 doesn’t mean you can be knowingly careless.

I haven’t read all of the posts but I’m becoming seriously pissed off at some of those that I have read quizzing the OP to test whether she had an intolerance or allergy or is making it up.

If someone says they can’t be exposed to something just fucking listen don’t test them. Something which manifests as an intolerance on Monday could cause a full blown life threatening reaction on Wednesday. You don’t know how you’ll react at any given time. I have several allergies and when I’ve been exposed I don’t always react in exactly the same way. I’ve twice accidentally ingested something I’m allergic to. Once I had flu type symptoms. The second time I couldn’t breath.

An inquest into a boy dying because cheese touched his skin is currently in the news. There is no need to become all Columbo and investigate whether the person is lying and test them. It doesn’t hurt you to help someone avoid something if they say it endangers them.

OPs mother has her down as a fussy eater and wants to test her. OP was right to walk away.

I am sure that most people find at times that their elderly parents can be annoying, mine are feisty, funny and get on my nerves sometimes, however I would never treat them as you did, they are my parents, I treat them with respect, tolerance and kindness, occasionally disagree, but remember they are the people who cared and raised me. I am sure some posters will say respect goes both ways, your mother should've respected what you were also saying, however, it is very hard to reverse roles, I still do things automatically for my grown up children, ignore what they say etc. they roll their eyes, it's the circle of life, suck it up and get over yourself

After reading the thread it seems to me this is more about you feeling that your mother doesn't trust you as an adult or a mother in your own right, a problem that has caused arguments before, a resentment that has built and on this day when you were tired you saw red and left.
My DH has an allergy to parsnips, one time at work he had a bowl of chips, the next day he was projectile from both ends and spent the entire day in bed, it turned out that someone had fried parsnips in the same oil. I have never seen my DH so ill.
Then we went out to eat in the same place he works and they brought his food out with parsnips, even though they know he is allergic and had specifically asked for no parsnips, he sent it back and all they did was scrape the parsnips off the plate, so he couldn't eat half the food, the manager then ha the nerve to shout at my DH for sending the food back, my DH just told him well of you would rather I couldn't come into work because you have poisoned me I won't next time and you can find cover for me. He nearly got sacked because of it.

Also my DH has both Dyslexia and Dyspraxia, he holds down a very stressful, high paced job and is a fantastic dad to our 2 DC, but Dyspraxia does effect memory. I remember he once moves something, (I watched him move it) and I asked him why he had put it there and he said he hadn't I had, it was literally 2 minutes after he had moved it. He also forgets things I have told him either to do or not to do all the time.

I understand why you got annoyed OP, but maybe you should go to your DM's sit down and talk to her, apologise for storming off, but explain why, that as well as not wanting to be ill, you feel like she won't let you be an adult and a mother in your own right, try and make her understand how you feel, but calmly. Also try to be more understanding about her problems, just because she held down 2 jobs and had children, doesn't mean they dot affect her, maybe read up on them both.

I would have been annoyed too OP - I can’t understand why she persistently ignored you. It’s so rude. Hopefully being ditched by you will be a bit of a wake up call for her.

Basically this has descended into an argument about whether people who “only” have pain and vomiting from eating certain foods are entitled to take their condition seriously. And whether people with learning difficulties or advanced age should have a free pass to ignore other people’s wishes and risk their health.

Personally I don’t want to be sick and don’t think anyone should ignore my wishes regarding my own food and drink. Clearly some people disagree. I accept that I should have handled it better but I wasn’t having a great day. Thanks to all who gave thoughtful responses.

@Unfinishedkitchen
If you did read all comments you would see the mum in question is 82 and has additional needs, so OP should stop behaving like a stroppy toddler.

Allergies can start at anytime e.g. my brother only started being quite allergic to apples in his mid 20's and he was fine before that. I've got quite a severe peanut allergy which a lot of people seem to under estimate / ignore, despite me needing an epi pen and a few doctors diagnosing it. She was warned 3 times! Some people just don't listen, my mother is also the Queen of this. In all honesty l think the hard of hearing, dyslexia and dyspraxia are red herrings, as l have 2 of them. They were very simple instructions that were given

Oh and good point about the age discrimination.

@LimeKiwi l think has a grasp of the situation

The "mum in question' though @bookworm4, if you read the thread, seems to have form for completely ignoring OP and doing what she likes anyway.
I can see why she snapped, especially if it's always happened and now she's endangering your health as well!
Being old doesn't give you a pass to treat people like crap.

So, she moved it several times after you had a drink of it.

...kind of proves it wasn’t actually an issue really doesn’t it.

You speak really horribly about your Mum. Whatever issues you have, you should try to deal with them now, one day it’ll be too late.

I think, from what you’ve said, that there’s no way round this because your mum would find it absolutely impossible to do the right thing. She sounds as if she is a combination of not very bright and perhaps with some attention deficit issues.

I would suggest that if you meet for coffee again, you arrive early, drink your nice coffee in peace, finish it, and when she arrives, just sit and have a chat. I don’t think there is a perfect solution to this.

Your poor mum! How humiliating. I bet she cried over this. Learn to control your anger.

YABU! For goodness sake.... Plenty of people are celiac but one crumb is a little excessive. Wheat intolerance/allergy doesn't react in the same way that but allergies for instance, do. You are being ridiculous and frankly embarrassing yourself

Poisoned
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Come on! Don't be daft.... You have not been 'poisoned' by wheat!!!

The only people embarrassing themselves on this thread are those who show they seriously don't have a clue when it comes to allergies and intolerances.
Seriously, educate yourselves.

Unless she has the memory of a goldfish she really needed to quit moving your cup and for the other posters dyspraxia made her mom a sloppy eater op was trying to keep her coffee out of the range of her crumb spray and she kept touching the fucking cup

mummyparanoia101 celiac is an intolerance not an allergy. The OP is allergic so celiac is irrelevant. Frankly you are embarassing yourself with that comment.

And I'm gluten intolerant occasionally I can get away when the warning label states may contain traces of xyz occasionally I'm running for the loo before I've finished the food (carte dor bloody ice cream) it's my choice to eat these foods I only experiment on a weekend I would be apocalyptic if someone deliberately spiked my damm food shitting through the eye of a needle is never pleasant trying to work full time and care for children is impossible

So you diagnosed her. You said she had and dyslexia and dyspraxia? Make your mind up.

YANBU. This would have drove me mad. No reason for doing it, especially repeatedly when specifically asked not to.

I think whilst her behaviour was wrong, what you did was really nasty. She is 82 and with learning difficulties and you tried to humiliate her in public. Yours was deliberately nasty.

I also don't understand, you obviously kept on drinking it after she had touched it because you moved it back to its original position. If her touching it was dangerous why did you carry on drinking?

This all could have been solved if you'd just left it in the position she moved it to. Yes, annoying she wanted it there but she has obviously going to keep moving it so why didn't you just leave it?

If it was a tiny table, and the cup was safely out of the way of your DS realistically it must have been fairly close to her toastie anyway.

To me I think it sounds like you don't really like your mum much. You got in a battle of wills, you knew she'd keep moving it and you wanted to prove she would and storm off.

Why didn't you just leave it when she was going to keep moving it

In other words, why did OP dare to stand up for herself and not just sit back and take it and be treated like crap?
Er, no. That's how people carry on doing what they do. Because they know nobody ever calls them out on their shitty behaviour to them.
OP says she's always been like that with her, it's not an age thing like some think.

Nelson Are you ignorant about allergies? Tiny specks of allergens can kill someone-I carry a pair of epinephrine pens at all times due to insect allergies and the same goes for people with severe food allergies. The OP has violent reactions to wheat! Can you not read and comprehend?

No, I’m not ignorant to allergies. You obviously have some severe issues with comprehension though! I’ve already said my daughter has an allergy to nuts that could kill her and which she has to carry epi pens for, however I still wouldn’t behave in such an ill mannered and childish way as the OP. Also the OP has stated that she does not carry an epi pen nor is she at any risk of anaphylaxis, so no, she does not have an allergy, she has an intolerance.