To have walked off and left DM in the cafe?

[ChinaBear]

Went out for coffee with DD 1yo and DM. DM had a toasted sandwich. I’m allergic to wheat but only if I ingest it. Even a crumb will make me ill. DD reached out for my coffee on the table and DM moved my cup away (which was unnecessary anyway as it was already out of DD’s reach). I asked her not to touch my cup when she has wheat crumbs on her hands because I’ll be poorly if it gets in my mouth.

A few minutes later she did exactly the same thing again and I said I’ve already asked you not to touch my cup with wheat on your hands! DD can’t reach my cup, I don’t need you to move it. Then she did it again! By which point I was getting angry and said STOP TOUCHING MY CUP YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME ILL!

The final time she picked my cup up by the rim and left visible crumbs from her fingers right where my mouth would touch the cup. So then I couldn’t drink it at all. I picked up DD and said What part of “don’t touch my cup do you not understand?!” And stormed out.

I’m utterly furious. A large coffee with syrup and cream is a rare expensive treat to have to throw it away. DH thinks I’ve been mean by storming out and leaving DM to get the bus home.

Intolerances can be very severe though. Why should they be dismissed or minimised as "just an intolerance?"

I hope the old lady got home ok.

They can quickly go from "an intolerance" to something severe though.
Each time you're exposed to an allergen you never know how you're going to react.
You could be mild/medium intolerance symptoms one time, then the next serious.

I think it's safe to assume anyone posting in sympathy of the op after the op drip fed that her mother has learning difficulties, slow processing, and is 82; hasn't read the full thread.

Op, if, when you're older, you start getting, say, dementia, would you like your dd to behave towards you in the way you did?

If this was my mother, I would have humoured her by placing the cup in a position that she would have thought was out of the way of the baby, and for you, was out of the way of the crumbs. Possibly by simply holding it?

She didn't do anything out of maliciousness. You did.

"Old lady?" Wow, rude. My 87 year old grandma who goes out and about on buses and trains by herself and even on holiday by herself would take offence at that lol!
Just because you're in your 80s doesn't automatically mean you're decrepit and can't get about, or that you've lost your faculties so you can't remember you've just been told not to touch a cup three times because of allergies.

Arethereanyleft - OP also said that her mum has always completely ignored her wishes before, for years, doesn't sound like it's a new thing.

Leaving an 82 year old with SN to find her own way home on a bank holiday is pretty shit of you to be honest.

The responses you've got here would be very different were it not for the massive drip feeding.

Seriously your mum is "dyslexic and dyspraxic and generally clumsy. Unable to write and struggles to read. Doesn’t understand social conventions which often gets her in trouble. She takes no notice of what you tell her, or perhaps it doesn’t register" and you don't have a little compassion for her struggling to understand the implications of your allergy?

You sound a lot like the mother who you claim never listens, always knows best and can’t take no for an answer 🙃

You’ve said after she touched the cup by rim the first time with her crummy hands that you drank it and placed it back where you’d like it to be.

I’m not belittling your allergy what so ever but you still drank it after she touched it. Then made this all about your allergy when infact it’s probably more of a power struggle between you and your mum.

Pick your battles

You also cannot expect someone to understand your frustrations and allergy if you cannot even understand the conditions you listened your mother had.

If you’re that sensitive to wheat you probably shouldn’t be eating out or using shared utensils / cups. I am coeliac so I fully understand food sensitivities but you overreacted with your DM. Your allergy might be a big focus for you but you can’t expect to avoid wheat always all the time. Wheat is everywhere, very difficult to avoid.

How do you cope with preparing food for your DD? Does your DH eat wheat-free too? If you are that sensitive, you’ll have to just figure out a way not to be exposed to it ever which I would say means you avoid eating out. Ask your DM to visit you at home from now on.

Limekiwi - it isn't ignoring, it's slow processing. I teach children with slow processing. It isn't that they're ignoring me, they can't understand.

Why is it not acceptable for your mother to not understand and allow for your condition, when you don't understand or allow for hers?

I get today might have been annoying, putting that and your allergy aside you really just don't sound like you like her or are even pleasant to her. I feel very sorry for her. I think at 82 if I was left sitting alone in a coffee shop after my daughter had treated me with such contempt I would be so embarrassed, deeply hurt and honestly I imagine I'd just be gutted. Your poor mum.

I do understand the wheat/gluten issue. Even cross contamination makes me ill, and there is nothing less fun than waiting for the cheque at the end of a meal and then feeling the hot flush come over me - knowing I have about 20mins to make it to the loo.

I'm controlling about it. It affects my life massively. I dictate restaurants when I go out with friends. We don't have wheat in the house. My friends, in-laws and parents cook gluten free when I stay. I completely understand that one slip up can put you out of action for days, and that's just not practical with work or children.

However, I still think you were being unreasonable!! I went to a party on Saturday, and the host had bought in a platter of GF stuff just for me. I had one round of food from it, and the next time I went back, the lid was off and there crumbs flying, so I just didn't eat any more. I didn't kick up a fuss. Or shout at the other guests. I thanked the host and just went a bit hungry.

You just needed to not drink the drink. It's not the end of the world! And you definitely shouldn't have shouted at and abandoned your 82 year old mother, who clearly has some additional needs.

Life with allergies and intolerances is irritating and frustrating and people don't get it, but that doesn't give you free range to behave like you did.

@LimeKiwi again l agree with what you say in your other posts! Someone better go tell my partners 84 year old grandmother not to get the train to London. Oh no, l forget she’s perfectly capable and we let her get on with her socialising and shopping 🙄.

I could maybe understand it if complex instructions were issue with numerous steps and variables. OP’s mother was literally told not to touch the cup! It wasn’t even her cup so no great ask

I really don't get the reaction you're receiving here OP! I'd have been pissed off too. I don't think you were unreasonable to walk off, like you say she does the journey herself frequently - it's not like she is incapable of going home by herself!

Does everyone become completely incapable of looking after themselves and behaving politely when they get past 80? I know plenty of over 80s. Many still able to go out and about unaided. All capable of not being rude deliberately provocative.

@JockMcGraw did you read the ops post of 15.25?

I don't know what her diagnosis would be if she was a child nowadays
Also that there was no diagnoses in the 1930s.
I might be wrong, but has she actually been diagnosed or is it a self diagnosed by OP as it doesn't sound from the posts that her mum has been formally diagnosed at all?

Most people from any generation other than now haven't been diagnosed anything.

I’m surprised at how dismissive people can be of allergies. I didn’t develop allergies until my 40’s either. I’m allergic to almost all soap, but I still eat outside of my house and take the chance that I will be given a dish that has not been thoroughly rinsed. I carry two kinds of antihistamines and a pair of epi-pens just in case.

People don’t seem to understand that you can either take the chance or never leave your house. When you see the allergen, you avoid it, and otherwise you just have to take what precautions you can and hope you don’t get unlucky.

I don't think you are actually being very helpful with your responses in helping people to understand about true allergic reactions. The risk of cross contamination in your average coffee shop is huge, its surprising you take the risk.
Whatever your risk of an allergic reaction you come accross as a nasty and unkind to your DM and a poor example to your dd.
You were supposed to be dairy free a few pages back but now you are angry that you wasted an expensive coffee with cream.

It's surprising you take the risk
What are people supposed to do? Never go out? Shut themselves away?

@LimeKiwi
Of course there were diagnoses allergies in the 1930s. My aunt was diagnosed with a pea allergy that's life threatening when she was 1 in 1942.

Sorry, I wasn't clear - I meant for dyspraxia/dyslexia etc in the 1930s

ourkidmolly I think LimeKiwi meant diagnosis for OP mother not OP, I.e diagnosis of slow processing, learning disabilities etc. My DB who is only 38 wasnt diagnosed as autistic until he was 30 as a child he was just sensitive and anti social.