Ending my marriage but wife doesn't know yet

[anotherbloodynamechangeagain]

NC for this as massively outing.
I've been married for over 25 years to a woman who I know I should never have married. She was pregnant with what I though was my child but subsequently it came out she had been sleeping around. Child was born at a time we were t together (we'd split up due to her infidelity). While we had been split up I'd got back with an old girlfriend who'd been my child hood sweetheart. 6 weeks after the baby had been born it was clear that all was not well as SS were becoming involved. As much as I didn't love her I felt the right thing was to go back to her as she wasn't coping. Timing was awful as on the day I was about to tell my girlfriend that we had to split she also discovered she was pregnant. I didn't tell her that day but a few weeks later I I did. She was devastated even though I told her my reasons-it wasn't love it was duty. I knew she had strong family and could cope whereas the other girl couldn't.
Many many years passed. I paid maintenance but had no contact. My wife told me she'd take our children away if I had contact with him.
Last year I met my son for the first time. He's a fine young man and a father himself now.
It hasn't been a happy marriage as wife is a functional alcoholic and not a good mother. I've kept my head down and worked hard to provide for them all. I'm now at the point where my children are adults and I can't take any more of this woman. She's poisonous and even told lies when I visited my son.
I also saw my ex-DS mum. I'm still every bit as much in love with her as I ever was. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know if there can ever be a future for us after how I've behaved. But I know I can't keep on with the lie I'm living now.
AIBU to just tell her our marriage is over and I don't even want to attempt to sort it out?

Lets be honest , if this was a woman posting this about an alcoholic husband would you all be so vicious ?
No of course not .
What op did was seriously misguided and quite frankly unbelievable but let’s face it, people can be controlling and manipulative ,doesn’t matter what sex they are .
OP, leave now.
Don’t string along anyone else and try and stop this mess from getting any worse.. if that’s possible

Also if she had social services in 25 years ago they would have offered you the child as the presumed father anyway

That's not really how SS works is it? Even twenty odd years ago.

DNA testing might not have been easily available twenty-odd years ago, but it is now, so I would encourage ?son to get it done. Then you can stop imdulging this self-pity and get on with what this situation means for everyone.

Do you have doubts about the paternity of yhe subsequesnt children?

If the youngest is now 23, and the eldest 25, then I can see why your wife may have been exhausted and miserable for years.

Hope you can sort yourself out with the leadt possible damage to everyone else.

The OP did the "right thing" out os a sense of "duty" towards one child, but ignored his other child totally
The error he made was to not get into the habit of wearing condoms. Once the two pregnancies happened, he had to pick one or the other. He explained why he picked his wife to be and his rationale make some sense, although I suspect it wasn't just that, more likely that the to be wife desperately commitment from him, the relationship was more established, more secure. I expect the other one wasn't, maybe the girl wasn't prepared to play happy family with OP at this point, and OP therefore went with the 'easier' choice, although that's something probably buried in his psyche.

It's easy to have slightly distorted memories based on the feelings we experience in the present.

OP I don’t like to be harsh but have to echo a lot of what’s been said here.

You don’t seem to be taking responsibility for this massive mess.

The way you speak about your wife is shocking. She is a person and your utter contempt for her is clear in every posting.

Alcoholism is a disease and she would need support and strength to tackle this. It seems like you are blaming her for her addiciton. I also note her parents were alcoholics too so she’s not exactly had the easiest start clearly.

You seem to thinking marrying her was a huge favour to her but YOU choose to do this. You chose to trap her in a marriage where her husband clearly sees her as worthless. You then decided bringing two more children into this toxic mess was a good idea.

I genuinely can’t fathom your reasoning here although from the style of your posts I am sure you will say the children were due to her lying about contraception or something similar.

You call her a bad mother so I am assuming you took the career break and did all the nappies and have been solely responsible for childcare? If not maybe cut her some slack here. No ones perfect but she is a person and you speak about her as if she is a misbehaving pet that you don’t want.

I’m not saying any of this to say stay in your marriage by the way. If you are unhappy for both of your sakes you need to split.

As for your son again I think you and your wife need to think long and hard about being honest. If he finds out the paternity doubts from someone else I’m sure it would be devastating for him.

I hope you resolve this in a sensitive manner. I do wish you luck OP and of course you deserve to be happy.

Lets be honest , if this was a woman posting this about an alcoholic husband would you all be so vicious ?

Eh? A woman could never walk out on a pregnant man, abandoning the resultant child. All the while, doubting their biological relationship with the other child.

Biology innit.

Alcoholism is a disease and she would need support and strength to tackle this
Who says she wasn't given it? My SM suffered from alcoholism and it turned into a demon. My dad tried very very hard to support her but after years of abuse, her agreeing to do something about it, things getting better leading to the belief that maybe they could make it work and rekindle what they had the beginning, to then be right back to where they were when she started to drink again despite promising over and over she wasn't, leading to complete despair that once again, the abuse would resume, it wears you out completely. Alcoholism is a nasty illness that destroys the person but also those around them.

I’m sorry
Your an idiot
You left your child fatherless to raise another mans child
You love the mother of your own child
This is either a fabrication,or your an idiot.im surprised your son has any time for you at all

Why are people so fucking horrible just because this poster is male? If it was a woman in this situation there's no way women would feel they could be so damn bullying. Mumsnet really is turning Into a hateful place. Women can't put up with the slightest mood from a man who's quickly labelled 'abusive' yet women are seemingly allowed to hurl brazenly whatever insults they like at this distressed poster just because he's male. Sheesh and they say men hate women hey... (ps I am female)

Sorry.. Moving on dear op. Sounds like you genuinely thought you were supporting your now wife back then and trying to do the right thing as you had misplaced guilt as she was mentally unwell/not coping. Unwise decision. But hey it happens. The fact she's alcohol dependant is probably fuelled by the fact she's very unhappy and probably knows all too well you don't love her. This marriage is cruel for her and you. Don't spend the rest of your lives like this. She needs support for her alcohol addiction and let's hope she gets it. Her children probably sadly know their mum is capable of some poor behaviour and may not cast you as the villain but be able to understand both sides at least. Leave your wife but do it factually calmly and with as much compassion as you can muster. Perhaps tell her family or someone you know can support her as she's clearlly vulnerable with her alcoholism. Then make steps to start a new life. Baby steps though. This won't be easy. There may be hope for your ex love but if you can help it try not to rush in. Get yourself in a good place first. Contact a solicitor and get proceedings going. Good luck

It's nothing to do with male versus female. It's everything to do with the I-refuse-to-take-any-responsibility-for-my-own-actions mentality. People who play the victim role and lay blame at everyone else's door and refuse to acknowledge their responsibility should be handed their arse on a plate quite frankly. Male or female. Sheesh!

It's nothing to do with male versus female. It's everything to do with the I-refuse-to-take-any-responsibility-for-my-own-actions mentality.

Couldn't agree more sassy.

You don't see many women talking about their husbands as "this man" or describing them as poisonous and a bad father. In Relationships, women in abusive relationships usually are very slow to see harmful behaviour.

I also don't expect many women would post on an overwhelmingly male forum which they know their husband reads to get support for leaving their marriage to a man they hold in contempt.

@You don't see many women talking about their husbands as "this man" or describing them as poisonous and a bad father. Don't you?

Well that’s 25 years of her life living a lie with someone who merely pities her. Poor woman.

So you left your pregnant partner, got with OW, OW got pregnant and you went back to original wife and told her that it was just a ons, meant nothing and had no more to do with OW and child.
Had a life, more kids etc...
Now you have contact with OW and child and want to leave your wife as fancy OW more...
That's it really isn't it?

@Limpbizkit what a load of horse shit. This is nothing to do with the poster being a man, and everything to do with the content of the post. As it always is. Do we seriously have to dumb ourselves down and pretend that women abandon their kids with the same regularity as men? If you feel that men get a tough time here, then maybe that's because they are generally the ones to be violent, unfaithful, and abandon their kids. But sure, the answer is for women to learn to accept this in some idiotic and misguided attempt at political correctness rather than tackling mens' behaviour.

If this poster were a woman posing the same question (not quite sure how that would work. Maybe "I gave birth to the baby of a man I loved. But I also had a baby by another man who I didn't love and who was unfaithful. Rather than take responsibility and parent both of my children, I ditched the guy I loved, left him with my child and didn't see them again. I then went back to the guy I didn't love, raised our child in a loveless marriage where he suffered alcoholism and decided to bring two more children into this. Now the kids have grown up and my husband is really struggling, is it OK for me to ditch him and go back to my original family?) she would have her arse handed to her. There are a million threads where women are told not to allow their own issues to affect their children etc. I would be interested to see any of these threads that back up your opinion that Mumsnet is anti male. Do you have any links?

@swingofthings to clarify I have no idea if she has been given support etc but the way the OP speaks about her seems to suggest he views this as one of her many faults. I know about addiction and how awful it can be for families and friends and just wanted to make the point this isn’t something she is choosing it is a disease.

Why didn't you go to court to have contact with your other son ?
If your wife refused contact with your children, you could have gone to court for this too
You are very passive
You can't change the past, but you can make a better future for everyone, if you make some positive changes quickly & don't procrastinate for another 25 years !
I wonder what your wife/exGF/children would post about you ?

You stayed with a woman you didn't love to look after a child that wasn't yours? Yet you left your childhood sweetheart, and had absolutely no contact with your own child for 25 years. What is wrong with you?!

Leave the woman and become a good dad and make up for lost time with YOUR ACTUAL SON. The other child is not your responsibility in the slightest. You've lost 25 years with your own child. I hope it isn't too late for you

I've just gone back and re-read some of your posts. Your said your ex has had no bad words about you. Absolute bollocks. Either she's as much as a mug as you are, or your talking out your arse. You abandoned her whilst she was pregnant with YOUR baby to go and look after (probably) another mans. What a coward. That is utterly unforgivable

You make awful, awful comments about your wife. Like you are Gods gift who is perfect and righteous. You are just as much as a mess as your wife. Take a long look in the mirror at this mess YOU have created.

You are solely responsible for all this mess- for your ex wife raising your son alone, for you having no contact with your son for 25 years, for you wife's unhappiness and for your own unhappiness. Grow a bloody backbone and leave your poor wife.

So if a woman posted on here that her husband is an alcoholic, that early on in their marriage he slept with 3 other people and now 25 years on, after the children have left she wants to leave, you would all say that she's unreasonable, alcoholism is an illness that he needs help and support for and she's no doubt caused it by being such a shit wife for 25 years? Yeah right.

decomposing - Quite.

I don’t really understand what the problem is. If you don’t love her and you don’t want to be with her, leave her. What does it matter what a bunch of strangers on the Internet think?

I don’t even believe this story. It seems so totally far fetched!

If there is a chance that it’s true, then you are pretty pathetic. Turning your back on your own flesh and blood and then living a lie with a woman who believed you loved her for all this time. And now for whatever reason has broughtvin some kind of midlife crisis you think you’ll be welcomed back into the arms of your son’s mother?

Your lucky the man has anything to do with you.