Ending my marriage but wife doesn't know yet

[anotherbloodynamechangeagain]

NC for this as massively outing.
I've been married for over 25 years to a woman who I know I should never have married. She was pregnant with what I though was my child but subsequently it came out she had been sleeping around. Child was born at a time we were t together (we'd split up due to her infidelity). While we had been split up I'd got back with an old girlfriend who'd been my child hood sweetheart. 6 weeks after the baby had been born it was clear that all was not well as SS were becoming involved. As much as I didn't love her I felt the right thing was to go back to her as she wasn't coping. Timing was awful as on the day I was about to tell my girlfriend that we had to split she also discovered she was pregnant. I didn't tell her that day but a few weeks later I I did. She was devastated even though I told her my reasons-it wasn't love it was duty. I knew she had strong family and could cope whereas the other girl couldn't.
Many many years passed. I paid maintenance but had no contact. My wife told me she'd take our children away if I had contact with him.
Last year I met my son for the first time. He's a fine young man and a father himself now.
It hasn't been a happy marriage as wife is a functional alcoholic and not a good mother. I've kept my head down and worked hard to provide for them all. I'm now at the point where my children are adults and I can't take any more of this woman. She's poisonous and even told lies when I visited my son.
I also saw my ex-DS mum. I'm still every bit as much in love with her as I ever was. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know if there can ever be a future for us after how I've behaved. But I know I can't keep on with the lie I'm living now.
AIBU to just tell her our marriage is over and I don't even want to attempt to sort it out?

Easy enough to do a DNA test if you can pay for it. Just Google.
I'm not as sympathetic to you as I think you feel people should be.
Why do you think your wife is alcoholic? Maybe she's trapped in a loveless marriage.
Are you sure your ex wants you?. Frankly, I wouldn't.

Is this story true?

Just can’t get my head around the fact you went on to have more children with her. You obviously liked her enough to sleep with her and not using protection was downright irresponsible especially and you suspected the first child wasn’t yours....

You could have had a friendship role with her to support her and her child, and actually been with the woman you loved and raised your son together...

The mind boggles...

@Tavannach it's not the "doing the test" it's what you do with the results?
Yes I could do it covertly and if it came back that he's my son then great! If it comes back he's not I'm not suddenly going to stop loving him and he has no idea there is doubt over his paternity. I am honestly completely open to any advice that anyone can offer on this

@Tavannach I don't doubt the situation has had some effect in my wife but she is also the daughter of alcoholic parents too. I think it's a combination of all these factors

It will still upset the children for you to divorce, regardless of their age.

Why does your wife drink too much? I wonder if being unloved all her married life has any bearing.

If your wife followed you abroad for your career, I’m assuming she didn’t have a career.

Your wife doesn’t have a good relationship with your children

It seems to me your wife needs kind and loving support not abandoning, does 25 years and 3 children count for nothing.

I wonder how her mental well being will be when her husband leaves her and she doesnt have good relationships with her children and limited family support. But then I dont think you care because it’s your time now to be happy.

Did you pay support for your non resident ds or has his mum done it all?
You did make some crap judgement calls and you still sound like you are a hostage to fortune. Separate the issues. Are you happy in your marriage? Do you love your resident child? Do you want a relationship with your non resident ds? How do your other dc feel?
Your DW needs support.
The very last thing you should think about is rekindling things with your ex.

I think he's been happy all the time. Some men thrive on resentment and blaming the woman in their life.

100 percent free your wife. Why did you waste 25 years?!

Wow. I just can’t believe this whole “duty” thing. It was the 90s, not the 50s!

Well, other PPs have handed your arse to you, as expected. All I will say is this: please do not expect anything (including friendship) from your ex. You say your son with her is a fine young man (and I’m sure he is) but 20 years ago he was a little boy, probably making Fathers Day cards at school and seeing his friends with their dads, and not really understanding why his daddy wasn’t in his life. Your ex was classy enough not to badmouth you, but I can assure you it broke her heart to try and explain to her little boy why Daddy wasn’t around. I know I couldn’t forgive you for that and I hope you don’t expect her to.

I don’t mean to be cruel, but she’s not just your ex, she’s also a mother.

I’m trying hard to be sympathetic but it’s not happening.

It’s like a pity party ‘poooooor meeeeee’

You’re happy to blame her and accept no responsibility at all.

Grow a pair.

it's what you do with the results?
Yes I could do it covertly and if it came back that he's my son then great! If it comes back he's not I'm not suddenly going to stop loving him and he has no idea there is doubt over his paternity"

And that's the point really, isn't it?.
You're his dad, the only one one he's ever known. So the chip on your shoulder is all of your own making.

My parents are supportive, so maybe i’ll End up a single mum forever as obviously I can cope....

If he loved someone else why in Gordon’s Ramsay’s y fronts didn’t he marry her?!

Ah come on @SandyY2k, it's got fuck all to do with him being a man, and everything to do with his shitty actions.

Walking out on a pregnant ex, that you supposedly love more that anything, abandoning your own son. And for what?

A horrid wife, that you've always supported and been kind to for 20+yrs, yet post about with such utter contempt. A child that definitely isn't yours.......oh wait! Dripfeed, actually there's a possibility that child could be yours, you don't actually know and haven't ever bothered to find out because that'd blow a hole in your martyr complex. Continue to have further children with horrendous wife, and move the family to another country. Putting further distance between yourself and abandoned son. But it's all the wife's fault.

All reads like conveniently rewritten history.

Sounds suspiciously like you are trying to blame your wife for your behaviour and choices.

the straw that broke the camels back was how she behaved towards the son I am newly in contact with-she told him he was the result of a one night stand and that his mother had tried to trap me.

This is a typical line told to new women when the man runs away from a new baby, which is what you did. I believe this is what you told her and why she has repeated it. Own your shit FGS.

X-post Einstein
What a knob. What a waste of everyone's lives!

Thank you for those who have taken the time to offer advice. I'm going to request MN remove the thread as I don't want my wife coming across it

You disliked your wife so much that you impregnated her two more times after reluctantly going back to her?

That's a bit harsh Lonely, it's not his fault he's a knob, it's the wife's.

Will the OP come clean about what actually happened or will he just continue to spin the 'woe is me, my wife is an evil woman" story?

They're also the type of lines men use when they're trying to have affairs - horrible drunken wife who he never loved but only married out of 'duty' although he got her pregnant two more times. And somehow he's the good guy who did the right thing and still holds a candle for his one pure love from when they were children. Oh and it's his evil wife's fault that he abandoned his son and never had anything to do with him until now - doing the right thing didn't stretch to being a father to the baby he helped create. There are dim women out there who will fall for this sort of thing, maybe the OP has met some of them.

It's the trail of pregnancies that lets you down OP. I just doesn't tally with the rest of your story.

I'm late to this but it sounds to me like a case of history that's been written in pencil, rubbed out and re written.

Yes your wife might find that people support her and don't fall for the sad man act you're trying to put over, OP.

Why did you post on the website she uses? If she did come across this thread it would be incredibly cruel to her, but you still thought this was a good idea.

I do love how you've painted yourself as such a victim OP. Pathetic.

You abandoned the child you knew was yours for one you weren't sure on. Not your fault, your 'soon to be' wife demanded it. You stayed for over 25 years with an unstable alcoholic in an unhappy marriage you brought more children into? Bullshit. You CHOSE to abandon your child. YOU.

I have no doubt you are rewriting history in some lame arse attempt to gain sympathy when you pursue the real 'love of your life' .

The best, and kindest thing you could do is to leave her alone. You don't deserve her.

**^^Thank you for those who have taken the time to offer advice. I'm going to request MN remove the thread as I don't want my wife coming across it...

Don't worry mate, as you say, she'll be in too much of a drunken stupor to even read here

I'm going to request MN remove the thread as I don't want my wife coming across it

Funny that. You didn't seem the least bit concerned earlier when a pp suggested that was a possibility.

X-post.