Ending my marriage but wife doesn't know yet

[anotherbloodynamechangeagain]

NC for this as massively outing.
I've been married for over 25 years to a woman who I know I should never have married. She was pregnant with what I though was my child but subsequently it came out she had been sleeping around. Child was born at a time we were t together (we'd split up due to her infidelity). While we had been split up I'd got back with an old girlfriend who'd been my child hood sweetheart. 6 weeks after the baby had been born it was clear that all was not well as SS were becoming involved. As much as I didn't love her I felt the right thing was to go back to her as she wasn't coping. Timing was awful as on the day I was about to tell my girlfriend that we had to split she also discovered she was pregnant. I didn't tell her that day but a few weeks later I I did. She was devastated even though I told her my reasons-it wasn't love it was duty. I knew she had strong family and could cope whereas the other girl couldn't.
Many many years passed. I paid maintenance but had no contact. My wife told me she'd take our children away if I had contact with him.
Last year I met my son for the first time. He's a fine young man and a father himself now.
It hasn't been a happy marriage as wife is a functional alcoholic and not a good mother. I've kept my head down and worked hard to provide for them all. I'm now at the point where my children are adults and I can't take any more of this woman. She's poisonous and even told lies when I visited my son.
I also saw my ex-DS mum. I'm still every bit as much in love with her as I ever was. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know if there can ever be a future for us after how I've behaved. But I know I can't keep on with the lie I'm living now.
AIBU to just tell her our marriage is over and I don't even want to attempt to sort it out?

are you saying al the others know about your son but him

@kateandme no just the son I've only recently been in contact with. That was because his mother had told him years ago

Really, the whole thing is a giant mess. Just walk away a Male sure you don’t screw up anyone else’s life. A vow of celibacy maybe?

Whilst in most cases it's an awful thing to do for somebody to leave their spouse without even having the respect to talk to them and attempt to resolve the issues, in this case your deception for the entirety of the marriage makes any other course of action impossible. You don't love her, so there's nothing to be done. Yes it will be hard for her to cope with this, and her alcoholism will make it harder, but you the way you talk about her makes it hard to believe that you are much of a support. It doesn't sound like a healthy, happy marriage that's conducive to her wellbeing.

She was wrong to cheat on you, but to be frank that pales into insignificance in comparison to the things you have done. You abandoned your child, abandoned a woman who loved you when she was at her most vulnerable, deceived a woman you didn't love into a marriage and more children. So many people who didn't need to be hurt. And all for nothing, because now you've decided that you want to be with the other lady after all. It doesn't really make sense that you left the woman you supposedly loved holding the baby, to protect your wife, only to leave her decades later when she is now struggling with alcoholism (likely contributed to by all of this nonsense) with less time and chance of finding happiness with someone else. It's all very cruel, and yet you give an air of martyrdom.

I don’t understand the nastiness directed to you.

Yes, you can leave a miserable marriage anytime. It’s never too late.
I wish you well.

For 25 years you stayed with a woman who had a child who possibly wasn’t even you’res yet you abandoned your child and the woman you claim to have loved and missed his childhood. I say you got everything you deserved.

^ this.

And I hope the women you so say love has nothing to do with you once you try and get back in contact

@Bluestitch

That sounds like what is really going on here.

Following the script to a T here.

Either has already or wants to start again with the ex so rewriting history to make himself look blameless saint and his DW to be some sloppy loose drunk.

If the ex hadn't come back into the picture, he would just be carrying on with DW not leaving.

Ratatouille sums it up very well

How does your ex know about the paternity doubts?

@pissedonatrain whilst unhappy for many years the straw that broke the camels back was how she behaved towards the son I am newly in contact with-she told him he was the result of a one night stand and that his mother had tried to trap me. Thankfully he didn't react to her to give her any satisfaction.
My ex is not the reason I want to leave my wife. I want to be happy and have the freedom to have a full part in my sons life. Yes I know I've let him down but I will never ever walk away from him again.

@Bluestitch because when I split up with her all those years ago I told her that the other girl (who is now my wife) had been unfaithful

So you said 'She's been cheating on me and the baby might not be mine but I'm going to dump you for her even though you're pregnant too and not be in the baby's life'?

@Bluestitch yes apart from the bit about not being in the babies life. It didn't occur to me at that point that my wife to be would be so against me seeing my other son.
Yes I know it sounds so ridiculous and I hate myself for not standing up to her more.

Exactly Bluestitch.

What the F was the OP thinking, completely mental.

What a waste of time and people's lives, I really struggle to believe this is all true.

@Doubletrouble99 I wish it wasn't true believe me

My goodness, if I were your ex-girlfriend I’d want nothing to do with you on the basis of the judgment you made about her and her situation I knew she had strong family and could cope whereas the other girl couldn't.
Poor girl-abandoned like that just because she had a supportive family.
Separate from your wife if you must, and build your relationship with your other son, but leave your ex-girlfriend alone. If she wants to re-kindle a relationship with you, let that be her decision.

The whole thing seems such a mess-the lives of seven people made far more complicated than they need have been (I’m including your life here too.)

the straw that broke the camels back was how she behaved towards the son I am newly in contact with-she told him he was the result of a one night stand and that his mother had tried to trap me.

Your wife sounds very unstable or just out and out nasty.

If you've been on MN for a while, you'll know men always get a hard time.

When a man posts, suddenly pp would love to hear the wife's version...or you get accused of causing her to be an alcoholic as has been the case in this thread.

You've been weak for too long...time to do the right thing once and for all.

Maybe you can be a present Grandad, as you weren't a present dad for your son.

Shocking, all I hear is me me me. You have wasted 25 years of your wife’s life in a loveless marriage and you think you did her a favour in marrying her. That is so patronising. Why do men have such big egos where they think they are doing women a favour marrying them. If you had been honest at the time your wife might have gone on to have a chance of marrying someone who actually loved her and a happy and fulfilling life.

You have told your new found son there are doubts over your first sons paternity but the son himself doesn’t know WTAF!!! Can you imagine if your eldest finds out the other son knew before you told him. That Would screw him up emotionally forever, that’s if the paternity doubt doesn’t. You say all the children get on famously yet your wife has made it clear your new son isn’t welcome into the family unit.

You abandoned your son and had no contact with him throughout his life and know want to divorce and break up the family stability for 3 other children.

All of this devastation caused by your actions and still you are looking at all this only from your own prospective.

Your wife upsticks and moved abroad for your career and no doubt left friends and support networks behind and you don’t have a kind word to say about her. Yes do her a favour and don’t waste anymore of her life.

What has kept you with your wife all these years? You haven't been miserable every day have you so why are you leaving now?

Thank you @Procrastination4. As much as I love her I won't be pursuing her. As I said in a PP if I we can be friends it would make me very happy. Anything else will be completely up to her.
We are both now grandparents and I would like us to be able to enjoy that

@scubadive it wasn't me who told my son about the doubt over the eldest sons paternity. It was his mother many years ago. Without me asking he assured me he would not be repeating what he knew

"this woman"

The woman you've been married to for twenty-five years.

'not a good mother'

Yet you had more children with her. I wonder what it's like to be married to a man who holds her in complete contempt.

How did you keep getting women pregnant? Didn't you realise after the first time that you needed to be more careful?

@scubadive the children are all adults now-youngest is 23. They don't have a good relationship with their mother due to her drinking mainly. They welcomed their "new" brother and know that his mother and I knew each other as children.

Thank you@SandyY2K I didn't expect an easy ride on here!!
My wife is quite unstable but it goes hand in hand with her drinking. I had hoped when we moved abroad a few years ago it would actually help her reduce her drinking but unfortunately it appears to have had the opposite effect