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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ending my marriage but wife doesn't know yet

211 replies

anotherbloodynamechangeagain · 04/05/2019 21:57

NC for this as massively outing.
I've been married for over 25 years to a woman who I know I should never have married. She was pregnant with what I though was my child but subsequently it came out she had been sleeping around. Child was born at a time we were t together (we'd split up due to her infidelity). While we had been split up I'd got back with an old girlfriend who'd been my child hood sweetheart. 6 weeks after the baby had been born it was clear that all was not well as SS were becoming involved. As much as I didn't love her I felt the right thing was to go back to her as she wasn't coping. Timing was awful as on the day I was about to tell my girlfriend that we had to split she also discovered she was pregnant. I didn't tell her that day but a few weeks later I I did. She was devastated even though I told her my reasons-it wasn't love it was duty. I knew she had strong family and could cope whereas the other girl couldn't.
Many many years passed. I paid maintenance but had no contact. My wife told me she'd take our children away if I had contact with him.
Last year I met my son for the first time. He's a fine young man and a father himself now.
It hasn't been a happy marriage as wife is a functional alcoholic and not a good mother. I've kept my head down and worked hard to provide for them all. I'm now at the point where my children are adults and I can't take any more of this woman. She's poisonous and even told lies when I visited my son.
I also saw my ex-DS mum. I'm still every bit as much in love with her as I ever was. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know if there can ever be a future for us after how I've behaved. But I know I can't keep on with the lie I'm living now.
AIBU to just tell her our marriage is over and I don't even want to attempt to sort it out?

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 05/05/2019 01:28

I'm going to request MN remove the thread as I don't want my wife coming across it
Not surprised though I thought you said (when you were lapping up the sympathy you were getting) she was in too much of a drunken stupor and she wouldn't read it.

Hmmm.

LonelyTiredandLow · 05/05/2019 01:28

Sorry we didn't stroke the damaged ego.
I'm sure the wife will be on at some point, we'll be here to support her Smile and warn her that you use this site too Hmm

Kinsters · 05/05/2019 01:30

It sort of seems like you're after a "do-over" of your younger years. You've been happy to rely on your wife for support with raising a family and furthering your career over the past 25 years. Why is she suddenly a demon?

It sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. Very common in men (of all ages) who can't accept the choices they've made and the responsibilities that come with that. I suggest you seek some counselling.

LonelyTiredandLow · 05/05/2019 01:31

BTW before you bounce back into your son's life, consider why he isn't messed up and why you never gave him so much as a backwards glance. Then ask what you are now offering him. A mirror may be helpful in this scenario so that you don't end up blaming your wife for your entire life Smile.

MrsKHB · 05/05/2019 01:35

^^She is the mother of my children and I do love them dearly.

OP. Are you Peter Andre?

TanMateix · 05/05/2019 01:39

Good grief, you find an old love and are fantasising about coming back because you are tired of the woman you chose to marry.

How old are you? Have you felt the need of getting a sports car or a motorbike lately?

Dream on, she may be civil with you but she would NEVER forget you left her holding the baby even if you threw so money at her over the years to raise him.

With regards to your eldest son, you are not even sure he is not your son, yet you are entertaining the idea that he isn’t as a further excuse to leave his mother. What kind of monster are you?

But I agree, you need to leave, for the sake of your wife and eldest kid.

Aria999 · 05/05/2019 01:39

OP. If this is for real I genuinely don't get why you abandoned your pregnant gf for another woman who was unfaithful to you. You make it out to have been a noble act but I don't get it. Both women needed you and were (supposedly( carrying your child, right?

I think if the GF was on here saying 'should I forgive my ex' she'd probably get a resounding 'no'.

However- you only live once, life is short, if your relationship is dead move on from it. No point beating yourself up about the past now.

Sadiesnakes · 05/05/2019 02:40

So you hated your wife so much all these years, yet you continued to have enough regular sex with her to get her pregnant another two times. 🤔

You're rewriting history mate. Bullshit you chose someone you didn't love in favour of someone you did, and you're lying to yourself if you genuinely believe that.

My moneys on the midlife crisis. You've met an old flame and obviously bored enough with dw, you are trying to convince yourself and everybody else that you have lived a shit life and are entitled to move on now without guilt or shame. And looking on here for backup without actually being honest about your situation.

You're not a very nice man at all op. And some people on here can smell your bs a mile off.

Durgasarrow · 05/05/2019 03:28

This man starts sleeping with another woman while his wife is pregnant (this is the part he admits to). He at first seems to say his wife's child is not his own, but then seems duty bound to go back to her, so it seems that this is his child. Especially since the big threat she held over his head was--taking away his children! If he cared so much about his children, wouldn't he want to be with his own children? But yeah, if he wants a divorce, get a divorce.

expat101 · 05/05/2019 03:45

Re DNA testing. In this day and age where people have a big interest in family tree recording, and sites such as Ancestry and MyHeritage offer relatively cheap DNA testing, you need to get your ducks in a row quickly.

My Husband is adopted and both my Daughter and I have done the DNA testing. We link together as Mum and Daughter and my first cousin and I are also a 1st cousin match, so I'm confident these types of tests are accurate.

My daughter also links to Hubby's Bio paternal side, the side his Bio mother wants everyone to think is someone else's child.... DNA doesn't lie and tests are readily available these days.

Monty27 · 05/05/2019 04:23

OP. Really?
Must look on night watch for this one Hmm

PregnantSea · 05/05/2019 05:15

For goodness sake just end your marriage, you've already done more than enough damage.

And just for the record, your son won't buy the excuse that you never had contact because your wife wouldn't let you. He will blame you, and rightly so.

Al2O3 · 05/05/2019 05:41

If ever there was a text book case for condoms, this is it!

speakout · 05/05/2019 06:14

I don't understand.

You say you acted out of duty towards your wife and child, but didn't have that same sense pf dity to your other child.

Why didn't you get a DNA test done?

NameChangeNugget · 05/05/2019 06:34

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Go for it.

swingofthings · 05/05/2019 06:46

Totally get the choices you made. They seemed rational at the time and accepted that whichever you made, it was your responsible to commit to it. You did.

You come across as honest and open, but you are no doubt deluding yourself that the reason you finally decided to leave yoir wife has nothing to do with meeting your ex. You stayed with your wife beyond your children becoming adults. This wasn't because of duty. You accepted your life as it was and were OK if not happy with it.

You've now met your son and his mum and what you've missed has hit you like a bullet. It might be unconscious but it's not friendship you are hoping for but that against all odds that you could make it work with her. You know that there is no way that could happen if you are still with your wife.

There is nothing wrong harbouring this dream, but don't deny it because others will know and people denying their true intentions which later confirmed to be just that come across as not very genuine, and your kids might indeed see it as such. No need to tell them if that dream, but don't go on about how miserable your marriage was and how you waited to leave and that now they are all grown up, you think it's the right time. You would have done the same if your youngest was 16, and your son had contacted you and you'd met your ex then.

speakout · 05/05/2019 06:53

*Totally get the choices you made. They seemed rational at the time and accepted that whichever you made, it was your responsible to commit to it. You did.
*

Can you explain it to me then, because I don't understand.

The OP did the "right thing" out os a sense of "duty" towards one child, but ignored his other child totally.

I don't get that I;m afraid.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 05/05/2019 06:57

I don’t believe the events happened like this. I think this is how you are spinning it in your own mind for being a dick.

lasttimeround · 05/05/2019 07:35

Bla bla bla, bla bla. The stories people tell themselves. Biscuit

Vulpine · 05/05/2019 07:40

25 years with a husband who didnt love me would have driven me to drink too

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2019 07:42

You’ve made a succession of poor choices all your life. Including thinking moving abroad with your wife, who drinks too much would solve her habit. Having lived abroad and moved around with dhs jobs, that thought process is barmy!

You’ve been weak and hiding for 25 years. Shame on you for abandoning your child and his pregnant mother. Make this decision the right one.

TheSassyAssassin · 05/05/2019 08:04

She is the mother of my children and I do love them dearly.

OP. Are you Peter Andre?

^ love it! Grin It's a cool story bro, oh and on the off-chance it's real, then you are both an entitled arse and a master of reinvention! The blame-everyone-but-myself victim complex is very evident. Can't stand folk like that, pathetic! HTH!

Guavaf1sh · 05/05/2019 08:46

You made mistakes, huge mistakes. You won’t be the first and won’t be the last. Be happy, get divorced and do what you must.

slipperywhensparticus · 05/05/2019 08:55

So you married a drunk had three kids with her and now want to leave did she come with money by any chance?

Also if she had social services in 25 years ago they would have offered you the child as the presumed father anyway so you would have been happy

Unless there was another reason to go back

aquashiv · 05/05/2019 09:09

You sound like a narcissist.
Your story is a pile of bull shit

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