Ending my marriage but wife doesn't know yet

[anotherbloodynamechangeagain]

NC for this as massively outing.
I've been married for over 25 years to a woman who I know I should never have married. She was pregnant with what I though was my child but subsequently it came out she had been sleeping around. Child was born at a time we were t together (we'd split up due to her infidelity). While we had been split up I'd got back with an old girlfriend who'd been my child hood sweetheart. 6 weeks after the baby had been born it was clear that all was not well as SS were becoming involved. As much as I didn't love her I felt the right thing was to go back to her as she wasn't coping. Timing was awful as on the day I was about to tell my girlfriend that we had to split she also discovered she was pregnant. I didn't tell her that day but a few weeks later I I did. She was devastated even though I told her my reasons-it wasn't love it was duty. I knew she had strong family and could cope whereas the other girl couldn't.
Many many years passed. I paid maintenance but had no contact. My wife told me she'd take our children away if I had contact with him.
Last year I met my son for the first time. He's a fine young man and a father himself now.
It hasn't been a happy marriage as wife is a functional alcoholic and not a good mother. I've kept my head down and worked hard to provide for them all. I'm now at the point where my children are adults and I can't take any more of this woman. She's poisonous and even told lies when I visited my son.
I also saw my ex-DS mum. I'm still every bit as much in love with her as I ever was. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know if there can ever be a future for us after how I've behaved. But I know I can't keep on with the lie I'm living now.
AIBU to just tell her our marriage is over and I don't even want to attempt to sort it out?

Yeah just tell her it’s over. Your kids are adults and have a mind of their own and you shouldn’t not have contact with your other son due to your soon to be ex wife - she hardly has any room to be giving you orders about your biological son given the fact her baby wasn’t yours to begin with.

You should have left her a long time ago as I bet it’s been hell for you. I probably wouldn’t pursue a relationship but your sons mum... but suppose it can’t hurt to rest the water but if that was me that ship would have set sail a long long time ago.

Hope you find happiness ! Good luck

Agree - AIBU is too harsh for this problem.

So you had 2 children with your wife even though you didn't love her and you were there only out of a sense of duty?

Laugh away OP. I'm sure the son you abandoned finds your pity party hilarious.

@SandyY2K he might be my child or he might be the child of the 3 others she slept with around the same time

For better or for worse, your wife has followed you overseas to support you in your career. Away from her support network, family and friends. I can understand why she is drinking too much. She isn't stupid, she knows it's not right and she is entitled to her opinions of what and where she thinks things have gone wrong along the way.

Time to pull a chair up to the table and sort yourselves out. End it for both your sakes. Go and stay in a motel or whatever by yourself and in the meanwhile, don't even consider involving yourself with your former partner until you have tidied up your personal mess.

Don't come out of this broke either. You can't pay people out of a relationship because at the end of the day, if its not what they want, they will continue to fight you tooth and nail until its all gone.

Good luck, it's not going to be easy but you know what you need to do.

My wife told me she'd take our children away if I had contact with him

How many children did you have with your wife at this point?

You really should have not let yourself be blackmailed like this... if I was your DS....I'd see you as being quite weak and spineless for this.

It's not as though you cheated and got your Ex pregnant.

You come across very corwardly. Poor real son, how could you not be part of his life??? Loved her as mum as ever? You left her pregnant.

Jesus. Big assumption that your ex would take back the man who abandoned her and had no contact with his son! I bloody wouldn’t!

In all this time you've never sorted out paternity?

Oh folks - this is clearly not a man posting so please don’t stoke their fire by replying. I can’t work out how to report on my phone. Please can someone more computer savvy than me do so.
But the OP is clearly just a sad, bored person.

Sounds like you know what you have to do and what your heart wants. Have confidence in yourself. Your children are adults and I'm sure they will understand. Go and try to make amends with the love of your life and if she truly loves you, she will forgive you. If not, at least you will be single and able to move on. Either way, you deserve to be happy. Good luck!

Don't you think having 2 more children with her was unwise, given you didn't love her?

I can't understand why you didnt get a paternity test and if he wasn't yours, you could have walked away for good.

Your actions and logic just don't make any sense tbh.

@EinsteinsArousedSausagesHCB I have had an open and frank conversation with my son. I have apologised several times and will spend the rest of my life trying to make amends for not being there.
He's such an amazing young man and I can't believe how big his heart is. He has no animosity (or certainly not displayed). His mum has done a wonderful job and from what he tells me she explained that it was a difficult situation and whatever I did someone would get hurt. He tells me that she never once said a bad word about me. For that I can't tell you how grateful I am
I don't ask for his or anyone else's pity. This is all of my own making

@underneaththeash I am. I have name changed as I believe my wife uses MN.
This isn't something I can chat about with blokes at work. I'll be honest-women give a more balanced opinion. Even the stuff I don't want to hear

Why didn't you have contact with your son before you went on to have more children with your wife?

So are you hoping she reads this? If I wanted to be anonymous from my partner, I would post on one of the many other forums available. Not one I suspected they used. Very weird.

You have made some massive mistakes, and screwed up a lot of lives. If this story is true, you turned your back in your child.

I think you need to see a counsellor to understand why you have made so many poor and destructive life choice (birth for your spell and for the children in your life).

There is a lot of self pity and blaming others for your choices - but it is time to own what you have done.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, end it. But please think carefully before you try to start a relationship up with the lady you walked out in when she was pregnant with your child. She may always see you as weak and selfish, and you need to explore how you got yourself in this mess.

Hi @anotherbloodynamechangeagain
Ever heard of contraception?

@Duck90 she's in a drunken stupor she won't be reading anything tonight

@Dippypippy1980 I know I need to do that. I won't be getting involved with anyone until I do

@anotherbloodynamechangeagain
Ah okay! Well then go for it ... she won’t spot it tomorrow? It’s all a bit cruel for my liking, if true.

I'm concerned that you left a woman you loved who was pregnant with your child for a woman who was struggling to parent a child that she conceived after cheating on you. I understand its 25yrs later, but man, you need to do some work on your boundaries, self esteem and issue of co dependance. It sounds like you may be beginning to address this but leave and stay single until you get this sorted or you risk a frying pan to fire situation. I don't see you actions as admirable as much as motivated by a need to be needed.

he might be my child or he might be the child of the 3 others she slept with around the same time

If that's true then it's really sad.

Don't waste another day of your life with the wrong woman. You don't have to be with anyone, just leave and be free and happy.

Enjoy getting to know your other son.

It'll be like ripping a plaster off, painful but the quicker the better. For what it's worth, your wife doesn't sound happy either and never could have been if she was sleeping around in the early days.