Aibu - he didn’t want our child, now he does?

[Hp737]

I really need some advice and I’m sorry if this is long. Inspired by a recent thread on Aibu..

5 years ago after an on/off thing with an ex, I fell pregnant with my dd. (let’s call the ex Stan).
I loved Stan, prior to the fling/pregnancy we were only together for about 6 months. looking back I was not in a great place emotionally during our relationship and I probably gave him a lot more airtime than I should have but I was in my early twenties and had a lot of issues, among them ptsd/bulimia. He was basically immature and treated me quite badly, cheated on me and we broke up, it hurt me a lot. Anyway Stan and I continued to move in same circles after we broke up and we started to have the occasional hook up at parties when drunk. I think I hoped we would get back together/was drunk a lot and didn’t consider if this was a good idea. Nonetheless I was on the pill and I think because we had been together very recently we (stupidly) didn’t use condoms additionally. We probably had sex 3 different times over about a month and then he blocked me and ceased contact. I found out I was pregnant when I missed my next period.

I contacted Stan to tell him the situation 2 months after I found out. I had accepted there was no future for us before I found out I was pregnant and I wanted to be sure of what I was going to do, I knew he would pressure me to get an abortion and because of the way he had ditched me again, I wanted it to be my decision alone. I knew I was still really subsceptible to Stan and would be influenced by him. I went to an appointment to arrange an abortion but couldn’t go through with it. My eating disorder and anxiety kicked in big time and I felt paralysed, but I began to feel a connection with the baby and decided to keep it. I met up with Stan to tell him and he was furious at me, especially when he found out I was keeping it. I said I didn’t expect anything from him but he had a right to know. He basically told me to fuck off. I continued with what was a very traumatic pregnancy, emotionally supported as far as possible by my family, while I made financial preparations such as starting a new job and changing my accommodation. Stan didn’t contact me. I sent him a message with a photo when she was born but got no reply. When dd was born I got some treatment for my mental health issues, leaned heavily on my family and friends for emotional support, went back to full time work when dd was 7 months old. We managed just about with logistics/money. I sent Stan a photo of her and a quick update when she was 6 months old, he initially said he didn’t want to see her. Then changed his mind, came to see her and was still so angry and blaming at me that I decided not to contact him again. No contact then until she was 2 when I sent him a photo at Xmas and he said he didn’t want to know more or see her. I haven’t tried again since- that was 2.5 years ago now.

I never lodged a claim for maintenance with Stan/the CMA. He started 2 years of drama school the year she was born so was ineligible to pay child support. Also The anger I had seen towards me from him and I guess the hurt I still felt towards him just made me want to never speak to or see him again. Since then through sheer determination I’ve had 2 promotions and pay rises at work, got me and dd a nice flat, and I met my dear fiancé (DF) when she was 1.5, we are getting married in a month. He is daddy to her and shares a lot of her costs with me, his wonderful family have embraced her as one of their own. I feel lucky every day to have made a family and home and good life for dd and for me after my mistake.

Stan will have now finished drama school. No idea what he is doing job wise. I still haven’t lodged a claim for maintenance. I think when things got serious with DF and DD started to get older I just couldn’t bear the thought of giving Stan a foothold in her life to flip flap, poison her against me or disappoint her. Even when I was earning half what I am now I survived without him.
Stan messaged me on Facebook last weekend telling me that he “needed to be involved” with dd, thought about her a lot and wanted to “put things right before it’s too late”. However he also said he still resented me for “giving him no choice” 5 years ago when I decided to keep the baby. He also said he is only a “struggling actor with barely enough to live on” so doesn’t have much money to offer us.

I felt so conflicted on reading the message and just angry really. How can he still be angry at me? I’ve literally never asked anything of him, I’ve respected his choices but this did not extend to getting an abortion to please him. Despite him me and dd are thriving and well. I’m so happy with DF, in the thick of wedding planning and all the joys of raising a little one. Dd is a smart little girl but she has not yet asked about her “real father”, she does not lack for family and love. DF only knows the bare bones of what happened with Stan and he has never pushed for more. The last thing I want is to engage with Stan. For me, it IS too late. Dd has a loving stepdad and a strong mum. I dont think she “needs” Stan even if he feels he has changed his mind. I don’t know what this will benefit my dd. Her biological father is a callous person focused on his acting “career” and has repeatedly rejected or ignored his child, now she is nearly 5 and he wants to be involved? I don’t know how I’d begin to explain this to her, his lifestyle is by all accounts still that of a student and I don’t know anything about him anymore. It’s not even like he can contribute meaningfully financially (by his own admission)- I know this isn’t everything, but my DF has never blinked at providing for my dd and he would be pretty underwhelmed by Stan getting involved in the light of everything. I know it’s not up to my DF but I care about how this affects us all. This is dd’s life, family and sense of security

However all this about how not knowing your real father could fuck you up- I don’t want to fuck her up- I’ve done everything I can for her to have a good life and I just gave up after he wouldn’t engage but things have moved on. She’s ok, we are ok. Why does she need him?

I just want Stan to go away. I know he could petition for a dna test to get on her birth cert, he can knock himself out if he likes, I would highly doubt he would go to the trouble or afford it. I don’t feel the need to facilitate contact, I tried a few times years ago and he was happy to “focus on his studies” (his words) instead of wondering if his child was safe and provided for.

Please please tell me what to do. Aibu to ignore Stans paltry attempt at contact (Facebook really?) and do nothing? I don’t want him around dd. I want his selfish flip flapping arse to just fuck off and accept the consequences of his decision 4,5 years ago.

If he wants to put up a fight then to an extent it’s out of my hands but I do not want to facilitate this or even dignify him with a response.

Please help me.

Don’t reply and block him, see if he tries to contact you any other way. He probably won’t.

Your DD does not need to experience his anger about her existence!

I think you've tried to involve him over the years,nd he wasn't interested. If he is committed now he will take it to court for contact, I'd wager he won't bother. At her age I'd worry he show up for a free months then not bother anymore and she'd be hurt.

And yes ignore him

Except 'Stan' will keep a record of how he tried to contact you, how he wanted to be a part of DDs life and you stopped him - you better have your answers reaady 16 years down the line when shes asks why. Always have every eventuality covered

I speak of someone who was essentially your daughter.
My mum got pregnant and had me at 18. Bio dad wasn’t interested and left my mother to bring me up alone. My mum met my now dad when I was 2. He brought me up and will always be my real dad. He adopted me when I was 7.

I’m not fucked up because I don’t know who my ‘real’ dad is. I’ve turned out perfectly fine. I’ll admit I’ve been curious over the years and have tried to contact him to find out more about him but to no avail.

Block him. He can’t just come waltzing into your daughters life 5 years later. I wouldn’t allow it. If you and your fiancé are happy and he’s a good father then there’s no reason why he can’t adopt her.

Let him go op.

It should say I speak AS someone not of 🤦🏻‍♀️

Do NOT engage. You quite rightly worry that your daughter will find out from Stan that he told you to get an abortion. You have given him many opportunities to be part of her life and he has refused. Don't give him any more headspace and certainly don't create the opportunity for him to disappoint her, bad mouth you and let her down in the future. Your lovely husband to be is her Daddy.

Yep, block. Hope everything goes well for you, OP.

Block him was my immediate thought also. People do become pregnant unintentionally but in your case you were fortunate to have that support from your family to help you with your little one.

You have built a life for yourself with your df who is effectively her df and together you are providing the family life that is so important to children.

I think that I would ignore it, if he persists then talk it over with your dh and possibly get a solicitor to write to him should he contact you again. I would get your dh to be her adopted father once you are married. Good luck with your wedding, hope you have a lovely day

I would honestly ask what his intentions are. Does he want to be a dad (including paying for her) or does he just want to see her to ease his conscience?
Is your DF planning to adopt your DD?

@isyourgooglebroken but tbh if this is his only attempt then I think I can explain to dd that after all my attempts to preserve her and myself, I just couldn’t trust his intentions and I felt that the life she had was enough. Otherwise it’s just “he’s entitled to know her at any cost” and he isn’t. If he continues to engage I will have to decide what to do but if this is it am I wrong to chalk the one (rather embittered) Facebook message up to more evidence of why he’s a shit, and hope that’s good enough for her? She’s welcome to find him when she’s an adult since I doubt he will put the effort in for her..

I agree with pp saying do not engage. He had numerous chances to be involved in your DD life. I would totally ignore him

Agree block and ignore. If he’s really committed to seeing her then he’ll find another way to get in touch. I’d be worried about his motives and why he “needs” to be involved all of a sudden yet isn’t offering financial support. Has he even asked you how she is and if you’re managing ok for money?

Also saying he’s angry with you suggests he’s still pretty immature and is going to put his own emotions ahead of you and your daughter’s.

Just block him. If anyone queries his new message (should he decide to kick up a stink about you not responding) and you can simply and honestly state that he's blocked. Yes it's a white lie but surely better than the alternative of him seeing your DD at a time she will remember only for him to decide again at a later date that he cant be bothered or blames you too much.

I’d ignore and not engage. If he pushes you and appears determined then you and your df decide how to take it forward. I suspect he’ll not push and it’s prob just a passing whim. He needs to mean it, as once he’s involed with your dd, if he waltzes out, that’s really not fair in your dd. Do what’s best for her

I would ignore.

Also it probably won't fuck her up. I never had a Dad either because he simply wasn't interested. I've never felt any void or upset by this because I have the most amazing Mum and extended family. Sounds like your DD does too. She doesn't need him.

If you want him to piss off, then tell him that if he wants to be involved in DD’s life he will have to prove it by paying child maintenance. Of course you will be a pursuing an amount back-dated from when she was born. He’ll ghost you so fast!

I wouldn't block him as that might make him decide to suddenly "fight" for your dd

I'd just ignore him, and hope he forgets about it for another 5 years.

My ex said he was going to fight for custody of the kids when we split up, he then saw them about 4 times in 5 years 🙄

He eventually manned up and became a father to our youngest but our 2 older dds can't be arsed with him.

You need to block him. Immediately and permanently. Keep a record of any communication you've had with him, just in case.

Yes, block, ignore.

If he is serious, he can apply through the proper court process.

If not, he won’t bother.

You’ve given him plenty of opportunities already, no need to offer any more.

Message back:

‘Great I’m glad you got in touch as I need your details for child support. Even if you aren’t working they will take money out of your benefits (I don’t know if that’s true!)- so could you provide your details please, and they may also want you to back pay from when she was born’

Chances are you’ll never hear from him again- but you gave him the opportunity to be involved, it will show what his intentions are and proves you haven’t prevented any contact.

He also said he is only a “struggling actor with barely enough to live on” so doesn’t have much money to offer us.

Tbh, it doesn't sound like he has grown up enough to be a parent then. Having kids means taking responsibility for their welfare, including making sure they are warm and fed. Choosing a career where you are self employed and therefore earning less than a full time minimum wage isn't appropriate if you are a parent.

I'd ignore him. I think kids are (generally) better off with the father not on the scene at all than one who resents their existence and dips in and out of their lives.

I’d say all in or all out. It’s not fair on the child. So he needs to back pay all his CMS for all these years including money to be put in a savings account for birthday and Christmas missed etc start low once a month for an hour and you set the time and he must turn up - else she and you are out. He never took responsibility at the time let’s stop excusing his behaviour - poor man didn’t know what he was doing etc he needed to man up then and didn’t. He doesn’t get a free pass!

I hate these threads. This is all about you and what you want.l, a happy family with your fiance forgetting that youe DD has another father.

A few days ago, there was a long thread about this guy who found out he was a dad by deception from his casual partner. He said he wanted nothing to do with the child and most responses were focused on how selfish he was, that it wasn't about him but his child who deserved a relationship with their dad.

So the same applies here, its not about you and what you want but what is best for your DD and thats to encourage her to build a relationship with her father, regardless to the that that it took him so long to wake up to him being a dad. HE doesn't deserve it but it's not about him but your DD.

A friend of mine fell pregnant when her partner and she planned a baby but he left her during pregnant y and said he wanted nothing at all to do with the child. He ignored all her contact until the child was 3 and then came back saying he wanted contact. To be fair, he agreed to take things slowly and he stood to the arrangement which she dictated. 10 years later and the arrangement is now 50/50 as a mutually agreed. The girl loves her dad and I have to say, I never thought he would be such a good and devoted dad.