Aibu - he didn’t want our child, now he does?

[Hp737]

I really need some advice and I’m sorry if this is long. Inspired by a recent thread on Aibu..

5 years ago after an on/off thing with an ex, I fell pregnant with my dd. (let’s call the ex Stan).
I loved Stan, prior to the fling/pregnancy we were only together for about 6 months. looking back I was not in a great place emotionally during our relationship and I probably gave him a lot more airtime than I should have but I was in my early twenties and had a lot of issues, among them ptsd/bulimia. He was basically immature and treated me quite badly, cheated on me and we broke up, it hurt me a lot. Anyway Stan and I continued to move in same circles after we broke up and we started to have the occasional hook up at parties when drunk. I think I hoped we would get back together/was drunk a lot and didn’t consider if this was a good idea. Nonetheless I was on the pill and I think because we had been together very recently we (stupidly) didn’t use condoms additionally. We probably had sex 3 different times over about a month and then he blocked me and ceased contact. I found out I was pregnant when I missed my next period.

I contacted Stan to tell him the situation 2 months after I found out. I had accepted there was no future for us before I found out I was pregnant and I wanted to be sure of what I was going to do, I knew he would pressure me to get an abortion and because of the way he had ditched me again, I wanted it to be my decision alone. I knew I was still really subsceptible to Stan and would be influenced by him. I went to an appointment to arrange an abortion but couldn’t go through with it. My eating disorder and anxiety kicked in big time and I felt paralysed, but I began to feel a connection with the baby and decided to keep it. I met up with Stan to tell him and he was furious at me, especially when he found out I was keeping it. I said I didn’t expect anything from him but he had a right to know. He basically told me to fuck off. I continued with what was a very traumatic pregnancy, emotionally supported as far as possible by my family, while I made financial preparations such as starting a new job and changing my accommodation. Stan didn’t contact me. I sent him a message with a photo when she was born but got no reply. When dd was born I got some treatment for my mental health issues, leaned heavily on my family and friends for emotional support, went back to full time work when dd was 7 months old. We managed just about with logistics/money. I sent Stan a photo of her and a quick update when she was 6 months old, he initially said he didn’t want to see her. Then changed his mind, came to see her and was still so angry and blaming at me that I decided not to contact him again. No contact then until she was 2 when I sent him a photo at Xmas and he said he didn’t want to know more or see her. I haven’t tried again since- that was 2.5 years ago now.

I never lodged a claim for maintenance with Stan/the CMA. He started 2 years of drama school the year she was born so was ineligible to pay child support. Also The anger I had seen towards me from him and I guess the hurt I still felt towards him just made me want to never speak to or see him again. Since then through sheer determination I’ve had 2 promotions and pay rises at work, got me and dd a nice flat, and I met my dear fiancé (DF) when she was 1.5, we are getting married in a month. He is daddy to her and shares a lot of her costs with me, his wonderful family have embraced her as one of their own. I feel lucky every day to have made a family and home and good life for dd and for me after my mistake.

Stan will have now finished drama school. No idea what he is doing job wise. I still haven’t lodged a claim for maintenance. I think when things got serious with DF and DD started to get older I just couldn’t bear the thought of giving Stan a foothold in her life to flip flap, poison her against me or disappoint her. Even when I was earning half what I am now I survived without him.
Stan messaged me on Facebook last weekend telling me that he “needed to be involved” with dd, thought about her a lot and wanted to “put things right before it’s too late”. However he also said he still resented me for “giving him no choice” 5 years ago when I decided to keep the baby. He also said he is only a “struggling actor with barely enough to live on” so doesn’t have much money to offer us.

I felt so conflicted on reading the message and just angry really. How can he still be angry at me? I’ve literally never asked anything of him, I’ve respected his choices but this did not extend to getting an abortion to please him. Despite him me and dd are thriving and well. I’m so happy with DF, in the thick of wedding planning and all the joys of raising a little one. Dd is a smart little girl but she has not yet asked about her “real father”, she does not lack for family and love. DF only knows the bare bones of what happened with Stan and he has never pushed for more. The last thing I want is to engage with Stan. For me, it IS too late. Dd has a loving stepdad and a strong mum. I dont think she “needs” Stan even if he feels he has changed his mind. I don’t know what this will benefit my dd. Her biological father is a callous person focused on his acting “career” and has repeatedly rejected or ignored his child, now she is nearly 5 and he wants to be involved? I don’t know how I’d begin to explain this to her, his lifestyle is by all accounts still that of a student and I don’t know anything about him anymore. It’s not even like he can contribute meaningfully financially (by his own admission)- I know this isn’t everything, but my DF has never blinked at providing for my dd and he would be pretty underwhelmed by Stan getting involved in the light of everything. I know it’s not up to my DF but I care about how this affects us all. This is dd’s life, family and sense of security

However all this about how not knowing your real father could fuck you up- I don’t want to fuck her up- I’ve done everything I can for her to have a good life and I just gave up after he wouldn’t engage but things have moved on. She’s ok, we are ok. Why does she need him?

I just want Stan to go away. I know he could petition for a dna test to get on her birth cert, he can knock himself out if he likes, I would highly doubt he would go to the trouble or afford it. I don’t feel the need to facilitate contact, I tried a few times years ago and he was happy to “focus on his studies” (his words) instead of wondering if his child was safe and provided for.

Please please tell me what to do. Aibu to ignore Stans paltry attempt at contact (Facebook really?) and do nothing? I don’t want him around dd. I want his selfish flip flapping arse to just fuck off and accept the consequences of his decision 4,5 years ago.

If he wants to put up a fight then to an extent it’s out of my hands but I do not want to facilitate this or even dignify him with a response.

Please help me.

He couldn't even be nice when trying to reestablish contact with his child, had to put the boot in. He's an arse, and would cause you endless trouble.

Sorry I have read most but not the whole thread (lack of time) so I apologise if I'm covering old ground.

Whatever you feel about this man it MAY have an effect on your daughter. All children are different and will react differently. He could easily say he made some mistakes, tried to change but you refused to allow it because you were happy with a new partner (I don't believe this is the case BTW but she may see it differently I'm 15 years time).

I think you have very valid concerns and it doesn't really sound that he's changed much still being angry at you.

The fairest way and easiest way to know if he will stick about is to tell him that ar so long head pressed you need considerable proof he will not let her down and disrupt her happy life.

This could include meditation and contact centres where he heads the opportunity to prove he is doing the correct thing by his daughter and not just for his own reasons.

Given the Kenneth of time neither of these options are at all unreasonable. If gre us on a low income he will mostly likely get legal aid (depending where you live) and a process like that WILL put pff anytime who it's doing it for the wrong reasons.

He should also pay even the smallest contribution to her upkeep, regularly. Even if it's a paltry £5 per week, paying it every week at the same time shows he is thinking about her.

You could also use a counsellor or similar to help DD reconnect with him.

It is better to have gone through proper channels so you can say you tried your best but unfortunately he wasn't ready to be a Dad (if that turns out to be the case).

Terrible position you are in but she uses still young and if it doesn't work out early on she will accept it easier than if she was say, 13.

You sound like a very caring mum and I hope it works it for you all.

so long has passed

Sorry!

You could always make parenting classes a requirement as well. If he cares as much as he says he will do whatever it takes.

Don’t ignore his message because it could come back to bite you on the arse.

Reply back with :-

Great to hear from you. I’m happy for you to see dd but I’d like to make it official through the courts so we all know we stand.

If he is still an arse hole he will melt back away again

If he has changed (which clearly he hasn’t) he will step up.

Either way you have protected yourself from possible upset from dd later on

Excellent suggestion about parenting classes. It can be hard to find them that are suitable for parents who don't have their children in their care however.

In my experience many deadbeat fathers make noises about contact, but they rarely follow through with the difficult/expensive steps needed to achieve it.

Dont reply and block him. If he really gives a shit he will sort it out by going to court etc... and at least then youd know he was serious and could actually want to be in his daughters life permanently.

It could be that hes just had a pang of guilt over it and wants to come see her and will then dissapear again... your daughter doesnt need that done to her.
If hes serious about being involved he needs to do it properly. Pay maintenance and build up contact gradually over time.
You cannot let someone swan in and out of your daughters life according to his moods.
Keep his details so that if your daughter wants info on him when she is older then she has acces to that.... but do not do him any favours in facilitating contact. If he really wants to be in her life he should go about that properly and put in the work himself... and at the first basic level of actually helping to pay for her upkeep

I do appreciate what pps have said about how me blocking contact actively could be upsetting for my dd but equally if no good comes of the contact she will be upset anyway, no evidence in his past conduct or present sentiment shows me that he has changed from the damaging self absorbed person he used to be, not least his capacities as an adult (secure job, emotional stability and matured perspective). It feels like a risk to take what is a basically lazy and ill-considered piece of contact and throw it all in his lap, there’s so much at stake. He had his chance before and has not taken it. Also he has my number and email address and did not attempt to contact me on these in the past week, or indeed previously. I hate to think that me ignoring a Facebook message would make dd hate me in future but in light of everything I’ve done for us, I would like to imagine that it wouldn’t weigh things in the balance against me. If she cannot appreciate the situation then I can’t do much about that, she could as easily blame me for her bio dad messing her up by being in her life..
it’s so difficult and awful but I am going towards ignore.

The thing is, the one message this prick has sent is all about him, all about his feelings, and states very clearly that he will not be making any kind of financial contribution to the little girl's life. There is no benefit to her in OP jumping through hoops to please Stan, because he's clearly still self-obsessed and spiteful.
Keep a copy of his message, OP. Do make sure that DD knows she has a bio dad, who was 'one of those people who are not very good at being parents/ a friend of mine at the time I had you', but don't let her know quite what a shit he is unless/until she goes through the angry-teen stage of wanting to see her 'real' father.

I didn’t know about my biological father until I was 25, was raised by a wonderful man who is stil dad to me . I’m now in same boat as you . Have a 5 year old that father wanted nothing to do with , although he pays monthly , every year or so he asks for a picture .

He should have been on his knees begging forgiveness and for a way to make things right with his daughter - instead you’re told he still won’t consider even nominal financial support for her and, better yet, that he’s still angry about her very existence?
I think you can safely just await his next move. You will probably be waiting a very long time. Your DD doesn’t need to be exposed to this toxic bullshit.
You sound like an amazing mummy

If he is serious about building a relationship, then let him prove it- by seeking to gain access/get on birth certificate etc. If he really wants to be in her life, he needs to show he means it after the way he has behaved. No point turning her life upside down only for him to change his mind again.

I agree with the poster who suggested mediation paid for by Stan. If he really wants to start a relationship with your DD he will find the money somehow. I suspect when he realises he might have to put some of his precious time and money into this he will just crawl back under his rock.
You sound like a fantastic mother who has done well for her child under difficult circumstances.

My guess is he's got a new GF who thinks it weird he's got nothing to do with his DD, he wants to impress her and look like a nice guy.

How dare he say you gave him no choice 5 years ago! You asked nothing from him he had free choice and took it as he chose to walk away.

Just block and ignore and get on with your life, you won't hear from him again.

Even if you aren’t working they will take money out of your benefits (I don’t know if that’s true!)
It is. My DB had to pay when he was on benefits.

I have a friend who is going through this. He only initiates contact when he has a new GF and is trying to impress. He spouts on all about him and his needs etc etc nothing about the child or her or any understanding at all about how hard it’s been for her with no maintenance or support. Selfish and flakey. Tell him he needs to take it to court, pay maintenance and get some parenting classes. Then you’ll consider it. He’s a stranger! You’re not going to hand over your precious daughter to a stranger. You know nothing about him. He could be involved with all sorts. You just don’t know.

if like someone else said, your daughter asks why you didn't facilitate contact (after 5 bloody years), point out that he sent one message and didn't bother past that.

Please don't do this. Imagine the feelings of abandonment and hurt at a father who "didn't bother" about you.

Please consider this carefully. It is much better to explain to a child that their parent wasn't capable of being in their life rather than didn't want to be. It may seem like you are protected a selfish bastard but you are actually protecting your child.

I would throw it back at him with serious bells on it. Tell him it's great that he's decided to step up, his daughter deserves better. Tell him if he's going to build a relationship with her he's got to do it properly, so you'll need to go through the courts, set up CSA payments, regular set in stone contact days, all after you've done mediation and gradual, moderated meetings. And he needs to get counselling to make sure that he can get over his anger at you and be sure that he's not going to bolt and let this little girl down if he gets the wobbles again. Tell him it's right that your daughter should know her dad, but he can't expect to just swan in like he hasn't done anything wrong. Hopefully it will go one of two ways - he either steps up or you scare him off again.

He will not proceed if you go down the court route.

If he does and really tries hard - you do have to give him that opportunity.

I reckon he thinks he's going to get famous and he needs to sort his backstory for the press

Definitely block and ignore
Too many mums have had their lives blown apart by errant fathers.
He had his chance and the way the family courts are...you can have the most watertight case and it can all be turned against you.
Don’t engage.

Let me add as an extra warning ...if you do engage with him and he gets his hooks into you
It could end up costing you a fortune in legal bills and you may even lose residency

Can he tell on FB that you've read the message? If not I would just ignore it and not block him but also not respond. Ignore him. His involvement in your life is not conducive to making your DD happy.

Would your DF consider adoption so DD has a league father? If he currently has no level right he can’t contest it anyway