Aibu - he didn’t want our child, now he does?

[Hp737]

I really need some advice and I’m sorry if this is long. Inspired by a recent thread on Aibu..

5 years ago after an on/off thing with an ex, I fell pregnant with my dd. (let’s call the ex Stan).
I loved Stan, prior to the fling/pregnancy we were only together for about 6 months. looking back I was not in a great place emotionally during our relationship and I probably gave him a lot more airtime than I should have but I was in my early twenties and had a lot of issues, among them ptsd/bulimia. He was basically immature and treated me quite badly, cheated on me and we broke up, it hurt me a lot. Anyway Stan and I continued to move in same circles after we broke up and we started to have the occasional hook up at parties when drunk. I think I hoped we would get back together/was drunk a lot and didn’t consider if this was a good idea. Nonetheless I was on the pill and I think because we had been together very recently we (stupidly) didn’t use condoms additionally. We probably had sex 3 different times over about a month and then he blocked me and ceased contact. I found out I was pregnant when I missed my next period.

I contacted Stan to tell him the situation 2 months after I found out. I had accepted there was no future for us before I found out I was pregnant and I wanted to be sure of what I was going to do, I knew he would pressure me to get an abortion and because of the way he had ditched me again, I wanted it to be my decision alone. I knew I was still really subsceptible to Stan and would be influenced by him. I went to an appointment to arrange an abortion but couldn’t go through with it. My eating disorder and anxiety kicked in big time and I felt paralysed, but I began to feel a connection with the baby and decided to keep it. I met up with Stan to tell him and he was furious at me, especially when he found out I was keeping it. I said I didn’t expect anything from him but he had a right to know. He basically told me to fuck off. I continued with what was a very traumatic pregnancy, emotionally supported as far as possible by my family, while I made financial preparations such as starting a new job and changing my accommodation. Stan didn’t contact me. I sent him a message with a photo when she was born but got no reply. When dd was born I got some treatment for my mental health issues, leaned heavily on my family and friends for emotional support, went back to full time work when dd was 7 months old. We managed just about with logistics/money. I sent Stan a photo of her and a quick update when she was 6 months old, he initially said he didn’t want to see her. Then changed his mind, came to see her and was still so angry and blaming at me that I decided not to contact him again. No contact then until she was 2 when I sent him a photo at Xmas and he said he didn’t want to know more or see her. I haven’t tried again since- that was 2.5 years ago now.

I never lodged a claim for maintenance with Stan/the CMA. He started 2 years of drama school the year she was born so was ineligible to pay child support. Also The anger I had seen towards me from him and I guess the hurt I still felt towards him just made me want to never speak to or see him again. Since then through sheer determination I’ve had 2 promotions and pay rises at work, got me and dd a nice flat, and I met my dear fiancé (DF) when she was 1.5, we are getting married in a month. He is daddy to her and shares a lot of her costs with me, his wonderful family have embraced her as one of their own. I feel lucky every day to have made a family and home and good life for dd and for me after my mistake.

Stan will have now finished drama school. No idea what he is doing job wise. I still haven’t lodged a claim for maintenance. I think when things got serious with DF and DD started to get older I just couldn’t bear the thought of giving Stan a foothold in her life to flip flap, poison her against me or disappoint her. Even when I was earning half what I am now I survived without him.
Stan messaged me on Facebook last weekend telling me that he “needed to be involved” with dd, thought about her a lot and wanted to “put things right before it’s too late”. However he also said he still resented me for “giving him no choice” 5 years ago when I decided to keep the baby. He also said he is only a “struggling actor with barely enough to live on” so doesn’t have much money to offer us.

I felt so conflicted on reading the message and just angry really. How can he still be angry at me? I’ve literally never asked anything of him, I’ve respected his choices but this did not extend to getting an abortion to please him. Despite him me and dd are thriving and well. I’m so happy with DF, in the thick of wedding planning and all the joys of raising a little one. Dd is a smart little girl but she has not yet asked about her “real father”, she does not lack for family and love. DF only knows the bare bones of what happened with Stan and he has never pushed for more. The last thing I want is to engage with Stan. For me, it IS too late. Dd has a loving stepdad and a strong mum. I dont think she “needs” Stan even if he feels he has changed his mind. I don’t know what this will benefit my dd. Her biological father is a callous person focused on his acting “career” and has repeatedly rejected or ignored his child, now she is nearly 5 and he wants to be involved? I don’t know how I’d begin to explain this to her, his lifestyle is by all accounts still that of a student and I don’t know anything about him anymore. It’s not even like he can contribute meaningfully financially (by his own admission)- I know this isn’t everything, but my DF has never blinked at providing for my dd and he would be pretty underwhelmed by Stan getting involved in the light of everything. I know it’s not up to my DF but I care about how this affects us all. This is dd’s life, family and sense of security

However all this about how not knowing your real father could fuck you up- I don’t want to fuck her up- I’ve done everything I can for her to have a good life and I just gave up after he wouldn’t engage but things have moved on. She’s ok, we are ok. Why does she need him?

I just want Stan to go away. I know he could petition for a dna test to get on her birth cert, he can knock himself out if he likes, I would highly doubt he would go to the trouble or afford it. I don’t feel the need to facilitate contact, I tried a few times years ago and he was happy to “focus on his studies” (his words) instead of wondering if his child was safe and provided for.

Please please tell me what to do. Aibu to ignore Stans paltry attempt at contact (Facebook really?) and do nothing? I don’t want him around dd. I want his selfish flip flapping arse to just fuck off and accept the consequences of his decision 4,5 years ago.

If he wants to put up a fight then to an extent it’s out of my hands but I do not want to facilitate this or even dignify him with a response.

Please help me.

Block and ignore.

I'd keep copies of things, and note when you tried to reach out to him, just so you have it all should the need ever arise.

By the way, you've done a sterling job and should be rightly proud of yourself as your daughter will be when she's old enough to understand.

You don't need to worry about what to tell her. He demanded she be aborted. No further conversation needed.

Ignore him.

I’m going against the grain and say that, for the sake of your daughter and her future opinions of wanting to know her parental side, that you should engage. However, I would outline that he must start paying maintenance first (even if that means finding a job that pays for it and being an ‘actor’ on the side) and he must stop any negativity about you, the past and how your daughter came into this world. When he’s managed these things, then he can start to be introduced slowly to his daughter. Refusal to even consider paying for her means he’s not ready to be a father, so he either goes to court, or permanently buggers off.

Stan sounds like an utter dickhead. He sounds unreliable, angry and irresponsible.

I don't think you should have sent him those photos either after he had clearly said he didn't want to know.

I would be entirely wary of having him anywhere near your daughter. Sometimes, having an unreliable useless piece of shit for a father is far worse and will fuck her up more.

Saying that, it would be entirely unfair to dismiss someone based on past behaviour. I would suggest supervised meetings? He has to prove he is reliable and committed. If he cant commit to the most basic of supervised meetings then you have your answer.

I'm glad you have found happiness with DFiancé. This is a difficult situation but I'm sure that your DFiancé would be happy to be a good father to your DD if Stan doesn't step up to the plate.

I can't understand some of the responses here. If I knew my parent had a fit that my mum didn't have an abortion while pregnant with me, I think that would say it all and I would want nothing to do with the guy! Some people really have this fantasy that all children are going to want a big reunion one day and play happy families... But nope. Not reality, sorry. I had a very close friend who was placed for adoption in Korea, and she told me she had no desire to ever see her birth mother because in her words, she abandoned her. It's just not everyone's goal to force and seek relationships when they aren't there.

Noholidays the OP herself "went to an appointment to arrange an abortion" - should we judge her because she seriously considered a termination before changing her mind? Not saying this child's father isn't a twat but he's allowed to change his mind too if he can step up and be a parent to his little girl. The child deserves a chance for her father to get involved at an appropriate pace.

Donning my tin hat here and going against the grain.

Yes, he said all of those things when he found out you were pregnant. But he IS her biological father, he has a right to see his child. And people that say things like "pay CM and you can see her" make my teeth itch - your child isn't a Pay as You View film, she's a child. And she's entitled to see her biological father. Your DF may well be her 'daddy', I appreciate that. Bio dad may have mistakes, I completely agree with that too, but I'm not suggesting that he books a week's holiday for them etc, I do believe he has the right to see his child though.

FWIW, I don't have personal experience of this from any perspective, just my opinion. If you stop your child from seeing her father, this may well come back and bite you on the arse. Plus, he sounds like a loser anyway so he'll either not follow through or quickly drop contact when he realises this is a human and not a doll

Block him. He sounds vile. You have built a life for yourself and your daughter - she has a father. DNA means nothing.

If she ever asks (when she’s older or a grown up) you will just explain and she will understand.

I'd ignore him and hope he goes away.

Pursue CM for the past few years if he doesn't go away. And get legal advice about reintroducing him to your DD if it looks like you're not going to have a choice...

I never knew who my real father was, it did not really harm me in any way, I am a happy grown up and have been reasonably successful. Just ignore him.

If you're 100% sure of your DF it's time for a discussion with your DF about whether he's going to adopt your DD. Whatever the outcome of that talk, message Stan and explain you've moved on. Any involvement he has will depend on how he fits in with your new family. He can't just turn up out of the blue and be Disney dad.

Going against the grain here too. They have a right to get to know each other and regardless of him being irresponsible and a dick, This is you shutting him out.

My dad was out of the picture shortly after I was born, but When I raised with my mom I wanted to meet him she hired a detective to trace him down to give me that chance. We didn't keep any relationship (me and him) but boy am I glad she let it be my choice.

He is her dad. That doesn't mean your fiancé means less than him at all. But the reality is there is two of them and he should be given a chance to prove whether his intentions are genuine

MyCat I think that's completely different.

1. She did not have an abortion.
2. She has raised the child.
3. The father resented the child even years afterward.

If I was in the child's position and I knew the whole truth and not just the Disney/sanitised view, then I would resent my father and not my mother in this case. I would want nothing to do with him.

Your love for your DD shines through your post OP. You should be very proud of the success you have made in providing a safe, loving and happy family home.

If this eejit really want to commence contact he can apply through the courts. You are under no moral obligation to assist him. Indeed if you were to facilitate access and he flip flopped back out of your DD's life then it would be detrimental to her and your entire family.

If he really wants this he can prove it by the legal route. In the meantime ignore him and I suspect he will disappear once more.

Good luck to you.

I think it's totally ok to ignore this one message after all this time and not feel guilty. However, I wouldn't block him, and if he continues to contact you I would re-think.

Yes - block and ignore. If he's serious he can go through the proper channels, but you owe him nothing. It sounds like you did everything 'right' in terms of notifying him and giving him a chance to be involved and he wasn't interested. He's contributed nothing, you've asked nothing of him and he doesn't automatically have a right to waltz into her life now and disturb what sounds like a calm, happy and secure childhood, just because he fancies it.

Just out of interest, is his name on her birth certificate?

Stan's got a girlfriend who is actually an OK person, and she has been telling him he needs to get in touch with his daughter.
Block and ignore - he will not give you any money and will mess your DD about. In fact he probably wants you to resist contact so he can be all 'bitch won't let me see my kid' and have a pity party, but not actually have to do anything for your DD.

I would ignore and block.

If he wants to have a relationship with her then he can apply to the courts and do it that way, otherwise it is just words.

I actually think having a shit bio Dad is not good for a child. She has a much better, more stable influence in her life; her step Dad. I have seen first hand the effects on a child when a bio Dad drifts in and out of a child's life. It destroys that child, the inconsistency.

So you stopped contacting Stan around the time your relationship with your DF got serious, OP? Stan certainly doesn't sound like a good catch IMO so I can understand you wanting space now, but you do share a child.

I guess what is so frustrating is that now he has sent this half baked Facebook message (to the pp who asked, no he didn’t ask a single thing about dd, it was just about him and his feelings and situation) he gets to put it in his back pocket as “proof” that he’s not a bad guy. My daughter was rejected by him not once but on at least 4 separate occasions by this man and who could blame me for giving up when for all he knew (and this was the case for a long time) I was trying to juggle full time work, all dd’s care and costs and deal with the emotions of being a single parent? I don’t want to sound like a big victim but honestly I tried beyond what I should have and my view now that I’ve healed a lot is that I no longer have the shit self esteem to be a pushover (or at least not where my amazing dd is concerned). I’ve worked too hard to have her let down and fucked around by this man who still can only think of himself. He still thinks he should have had the “choice” to make me have an abortion. Tbh if I were him rather than telling the person who’s raised your dd that you “resent them”, I’d have more self awareness, but apparently he still has none.
I still feel the rage about this as it’s such a frustrating situation. I don’t want to let him paint me as the bad guy but I honestly don’t see any good coming of this and I don’t think he has any “rights”. If nothing else he currently has no legal rights, he is not on the birth cert. but more to it do deadbeat dads get a free pass throughout their lives to magically step up? After X damage has already been done?
I guess the one good thing is now I can see Stan for who he truly is, and blame myself less for what happened with us.

I’m 57 and this was pretty much my mums story. Like a PP she met someone else and he adopted me and took me on as his own. I love him very much. Until I turned 30 and started having my own children I would have said not knowing my biological dad had no effect on me.

I now know differently. Not knowing my father has left a massive hole in my sense of identity. Being rejected by him has contributed to low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. I have had years of therapy and have come to terms with it but I know it impacted me greatly.

I don’t blame my mum for what happened. The actions of this man were outside her control but if I ever heard that he had tried to get in touch with me and she had blocked it I would be furious. For all his faults I am half him and would have liked to know him. If I then disliked him or was hurt by him at least I’d know for myself.

There is a void in my mind where my father should be. No one else should take that opportunity from a child (unless of course the absent parent is dangerous, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here ).

I hate these threads. This is all about you and what you want.l, a happy family with your fiance forgetting that youe DD has another father.

The bio father has had his chance. He hasn't just elected not to take it up for 5 years - he has been actively angry & nasty.

My own bio father was similar. Attended the conception, then fucked off without a care or a cent for my mother. She met my (step) dad 4 years later - he married her & adopted me. My (step) dad WAS my real dad. He loved me, cared for me, paid for me, & was present. I adored him.

Your daughter already has her dear step-dad. He is all she needs.
I would be VERY wary of allowing an angry flake into her life - who knows what emotional damage his attitude might cause her?

I wouldn't have kept sending him photo's and contacting him, he didn't want to know.
Block him and stop involving him if you don't want him involved.

Another option that noone has mentioned (and it may not be one you/DF would be interested in) - have you thought about him adopting her, so that legally he is the father and Stan wouldn't have those rights