Aibu - he didn’t want our child, now he does?

[Hp737]

I really need some advice and I’m sorry if this is long. Inspired by a recent thread on Aibu..

5 years ago after an on/off thing with an ex, I fell pregnant with my dd. (let’s call the ex Stan).
I loved Stan, prior to the fling/pregnancy we were only together for about 6 months. looking back I was not in a great place emotionally during our relationship and I probably gave him a lot more airtime than I should have but I was in my early twenties and had a lot of issues, among them ptsd/bulimia. He was basically immature and treated me quite badly, cheated on me and we broke up, it hurt me a lot. Anyway Stan and I continued to move in same circles after we broke up and we started to have the occasional hook up at parties when drunk. I think I hoped we would get back together/was drunk a lot and didn’t consider if this was a good idea. Nonetheless I was on the pill and I think because we had been together very recently we (stupidly) didn’t use condoms additionally. We probably had sex 3 different times over about a month and then he blocked me and ceased contact. I found out I was pregnant when I missed my next period.

I contacted Stan to tell him the situation 2 months after I found out. I had accepted there was no future for us before I found out I was pregnant and I wanted to be sure of what I was going to do, I knew he would pressure me to get an abortion and because of the way he had ditched me again, I wanted it to be my decision alone. I knew I was still really subsceptible to Stan and would be influenced by him. I went to an appointment to arrange an abortion but couldn’t go through with it. My eating disorder and anxiety kicked in big time and I felt paralysed, but I began to feel a connection with the baby and decided to keep it. I met up with Stan to tell him and he was furious at me, especially when he found out I was keeping it. I said I didn’t expect anything from him but he had a right to know. He basically told me to fuck off. I continued with what was a very traumatic pregnancy, emotionally supported as far as possible by my family, while I made financial preparations such as starting a new job and changing my accommodation. Stan didn’t contact me. I sent him a message with a photo when she was born but got no reply. When dd was born I got some treatment for my mental health issues, leaned heavily on my family and friends for emotional support, went back to full time work when dd was 7 months old. We managed just about with logistics/money. I sent Stan a photo of her and a quick update when she was 6 months old, he initially said he didn’t want to see her. Then changed his mind, came to see her and was still so angry and blaming at me that I decided not to contact him again. No contact then until she was 2 when I sent him a photo at Xmas and he said he didn’t want to know more or see her. I haven’t tried again since- that was 2.5 years ago now.

I never lodged a claim for maintenance with Stan/the CMA. He started 2 years of drama school the year she was born so was ineligible to pay child support. Also The anger I had seen towards me from him and I guess the hurt I still felt towards him just made me want to never speak to or see him again. Since then through sheer determination I’ve had 2 promotions and pay rises at work, got me and dd a nice flat, and I met my dear fiancé (DF) when she was 1.5, we are getting married in a month. He is daddy to her and shares a lot of her costs with me, his wonderful family have embraced her as one of their own. I feel lucky every day to have made a family and home and good life for dd and for me after my mistake.

Stan will have now finished drama school. No idea what he is doing job wise. I still haven’t lodged a claim for maintenance. I think when things got serious with DF and DD started to get older I just couldn’t bear the thought of giving Stan a foothold in her life to flip flap, poison her against me or disappoint her. Even when I was earning half what I am now I survived without him.
Stan messaged me on Facebook last weekend telling me that he “needed to be involved” with dd, thought about her a lot and wanted to “put things right before it’s too late”. However he also said he still resented me for “giving him no choice” 5 years ago when I decided to keep the baby. He also said he is only a “struggling actor with barely enough to live on” so doesn’t have much money to offer us.

I felt so conflicted on reading the message and just angry really. How can he still be angry at me? I’ve literally never asked anything of him, I’ve respected his choices but this did not extend to getting an abortion to please him. Despite him me and dd are thriving and well. I’m so happy with DF, in the thick of wedding planning and all the joys of raising a little one. Dd is a smart little girl but she has not yet asked about her “real father”, she does not lack for family and love. DF only knows the bare bones of what happened with Stan and he has never pushed for more. The last thing I want is to engage with Stan. For me, it IS too late. Dd has a loving stepdad and a strong mum. I dont think she “needs” Stan even if he feels he has changed his mind. I don’t know what this will benefit my dd. Her biological father is a callous person focused on his acting “career” and has repeatedly rejected or ignored his child, now she is nearly 5 and he wants to be involved? I don’t know how I’d begin to explain this to her, his lifestyle is by all accounts still that of a student and I don’t know anything about him anymore. It’s not even like he can contribute meaningfully financially (by his own admission)- I know this isn’t everything, but my DF has never blinked at providing for my dd and he would be pretty underwhelmed by Stan getting involved in the light of everything. I know it’s not up to my DF but I care about how this affects us all. This is dd’s life, family and sense of security

However all this about how not knowing your real father could fuck you up- I don’t want to fuck her up- I’ve done everything I can for her to have a good life and I just gave up after he wouldn’t engage but things have moved on. She’s ok, we are ok. Why does she need him?

I just want Stan to go away. I know he could petition for a dna test to get on her birth cert, he can knock himself out if he likes, I would highly doubt he would go to the trouble or afford it. I don’t feel the need to facilitate contact, I tried a few times years ago and he was happy to “focus on his studies” (his words) instead of wondering if his child was safe and provided for.

Please please tell me what to do. Aibu to ignore Stans paltry attempt at contact (Facebook really?) and do nothing? I don’t want him around dd. I want his selfish flip flapping arse to just fuck off and accept the consequences of his decision 4,5 years ago.

If he wants to put up a fight then to an extent it’s out of my hands but I do not want to facilitate this or even dignify him with a response.

Please help me.

@reanimatedsgb that is actually my feeling too. I would not put it past this narcissist to use my dd as an accessory when it suits to show what a grown up he is. Good luck to him but I do wonder what kind of women you can attract when you knowingly abandoned your child.

It's not too late. His daughter is only 5. People change. Heck you almost had her aborted then changed your mind because of a connection. He never had that connection. But you have no idea what kind of father he might be now given the chance. Surely it's saying something that he is the one making contact this time. If he wasn't genuinely interested why would he bother now? IMO it's very unfair of you to block a relationship between them now just because it doesn't suit your new life.

Plus, he sounds like a loser anyway so he'll either not follow through or quickly drop contact when he realises this is a human and not a doll

So why would you wish to expose the daughter to being "dropped"?
FAR more damaging to her than deciding to not allow an angry flake who wanted her aborted to have NO control over her young life.

When she is 18, if she wishes to, she can meet him as an adult & make her own mind up.

@RSacre and despite my anger, that is the rub. What if it does hurt my dd? What if she ends up mentally ill (I suffer with mh issues and my parents are still together, so I know it’s not all about that, but still). What if she hates me? I couldn’t bear it, she’s the love of my life and I want someone to just tell me the unequivocal right thing to do. (Impossible, I know)

So the same applies here, its not about you and what you want but what is best for your DD and thats to encourage her to build a relationship with her father, regardless to the that that it took him so long to wake up to him being a dad. HE doesn't deserve it but it's not about him but your DD.

And regardless of the fact that he appears to be a self absorbed angry at nothing in particular manchild. How is it best for her to have him in her life? I've known plenty of people who were head fucked by unreliable narcissistic absent fathers. Sorry to reduce it to this but like so many of these men whose children supposedly "deserve" them, his only contribution to her life was ejaculating in her mother.

Surely what a child deserves is to have a loving family and a peaceful childhood with stable and involved parental figures, not to be made available for a toxic manchild who has admitted he resents her existence (and may actually be immature enough to inform her of that one day?)

If he shows any more interest/effort than this offensive message then maybe I should reconsider but I just can’t right now. If it went through legal routes it would be out of my hands.

A good friend's daughter (let's call her Jenny) had her child in similar circumstances to yours and for a few years the ex (we'll call him Twatface) wanted nothing to do with the child, his daughter (now 13).

Then he suddenly did and so did his mum and a few years down the line - even though Jenny is now happy with fiance and they have a lovely son of 4 and he is a fantastic dad to the 13 year old daughter).

13 year old is bandied from pillar to post by bio dad Twatface, doesn't like going to stay with him and latest in a succession of new women, doesn't like going to stay with his mum, etc etc.

Put your child first.

A struggling actor with no money isn't going to be able to afford to take you to court I imagine. Let it play out. Don't block him but also don't encourage him. See if he does actually does take action or if he's just all talk. That way if nothing happens you can honestly say you were open to it but he didn't do anything to make it happen.

You see whyohwhy's story all the time on Long Lost Families. I think you owe it to your daughter to give her father a chance to step up. If he doesn't then you have your answer as to whether he should be in her life or not.

Hmmmm.. ... I can absolutely understand why you are scared and angry. Your little girl is precious and you would do anything to let her be the happiest, most sorted wee girl in the world.

But I would try to reframe your dilemma into - does my daughter have the right to a relationship with her biological father? And the answer is always yes!

Your job is to talk to him first with an open mind and lots of questions. How does he intend to be involved and what can he offer your amazing little girl. Let him know in no uncertain terms that your daughter has a man in her life who has loved her and supported her and she regards him as a dad, and if he wants to be in her life he will need to forever accept this with good grace.

Demand he attends a parenting course, and a parenting apart course if they are available in your area.

And only if and when you and your daughter are ready set up short bursts of supervised contact. If you feel like you can't face him, this can be arranged in a contact centre. Explain to him that she is now a little person with a personality and a life of her own and her needs will always come first so he will need to sick it up if she doesn't particularly warm to him.

Set incredibly clear and firm boundaries from the start and stick to them.

All those people saying think of the child needs to see her dad have not been a child in this situation. For the 1 time out of 10 that the dad sticks to arrangements and stays engaged then great and fine.

For the 9 times out of 10 that the feckless dad never shows up, then messes around and is angry when he does, etc.

Then its not worth it, no contact messes up a child far less than sporadic crappy contact.

he gets to put it in his back pocket as “proof” that he’s not a bad guy

Does he really though, when he's still in a strop that he didn't get the final say over whether she got to be born or not?

I'd suggest you craft a reply as though it will be read out in court one day. Cover all the points you mentioned. Your concern over his irrational and continuing resentment that you didn't let him have control over your body and your rights, and how that could impact on your dd. The fact that he has had no involvement in her life except when initiated by you. And then tell him that if he wants to be involved in her life it has to be for her sake, not his, and that contact would need to be built up slowly, and consistently. Don't give him your phone number, he'd probably call you to deliver abuse instead of leaving a record.

And if you still have it, get a printout of his responses when you sent the photos.

I'd block him, and if like someone else said, your daughter asks why you didn't facilitate contact (after 5 bloody years), point out that he sent one message and didn't bother past that. If he's serious, he can take you to the court (good luck when he's broke).

I say this as someone in your exact position. XH left before I found out I was pregnant. We were married and he's still never met his son 11 months on. I force him to pay CM though because f%#k him. The idea that they'd come waltzing in later stresses me out - you don't get to pick up and drop your kids at every whim.

I wonder if he was chatting to his actor friends about skeletons in the closet if he ever made it big.

Ok this is what I would suggest as a social worker -

You reply to him, saying that you will not agree to him having direct contact yet. You tell him that you will meet him in a mediation session when he has organised one (this will cost him £100+ straight off)

If he does this and you have a mediation session then the mediator will help you to work out a contact plan that is slow and gradual and requires regular commitment from him before any direct contact. Sending letters and pictures would be the first step.

If he can maintain all of this for a good period of time, appropriately and as agreed, then direct contact should happen.

BUT he probably won't. In which case, you tried. But if he does, she doesn't lose out on a relationship with her father, or at least the chance of one.

Definitely don't just block and ignore. That could bite you in the bum in future.

block him, ignore, or if you can't do that they tell him if he wants to be recognised as the father then you want his details for the CSA and watch him head for the hills. He can't have it both ways.

Be mindful of your dp in all this. He is your dd's daddy not this loser/sperm donor.
Don't undermine or confuse the important people in your life.by getting one over on "Stan".

A ‘daddy’ doesn’t swoop in via Facebook when she is 5 moaning she is still angry she was born whilst simultaneously claiming poverty.

A daddy gets over himself.
A daddy makes sure child is safe, happy, healthy, fed, housed.... before he thinks of his own damn self.

Invoice him for 50% of her share of rent, food, clothes, fuel, school uniform, extra curricular activities, holidays, days out, nappies, toiletries, childcare.

Invoice him for all of your overdraft charges, interest on any loans or store cards you’ve had to run up just to stay afloat.

Then invoice him for maintenance, xmas gifts and birthday presents.

Then tell him to fuck off and enjoy the life you have worked so friggin hard to build on sleepless nights, with your own blood, sweat and tears, all while he was out living his life, thinking only of himself and feeling hard done by.
Men like him make me sick.

Then its not worth it, no contact messes up a child far less than sporadic crappy contact
Try to explain this to your teenager, whrn they go through their angst state, when despite all you've done for them, they focus on the one 5hibg you haven't.

It's not uncommon to read threads about teenagers who decide to contact their absent father, find out thwir their mum prevented or made contact difficult, and go on to blame all their problem on their mum whilst dad is seen as a Saint. That hurts much more because however disproportionate their reaction is, they are ultimately right in that they didn't get a chance to build a relationship with their dad because it didn't suit their mum's plan.

I’ve not seen my dad in 30 years.ive often wondered if my life would of been better without him in it..he didn’t turn up for contact many times.when he did we sat in the pub.
Dm remarried and I got a sibling .the relationship with step dad broke down..they had their own child and I was in the way.( I felt)
A bad situation happened and I went to live with my dad.we are not in contact now,but I’m greatful for that short space of time he gave me a roof .
He was shit at first ,and shit since ,she could of cut him out of my life and been justified.but I’m glad she didn’t.

I agree with Wheresmyvagina.

Even blocking is doing something.
Better just ignore, he’ll probably leave it another few years, if not then just ask what he can afford - point him to the calculator, that should do the trick.

Ah, cross posted with wheresmyvagina - yes this

I’m going to throw my 2 cents worth in. I’m 42, my mother was a single 18 year old mother and biological father walked away. Late 70’s, in Ireland and the Magdalene Laundries we’re still in operation and a very possible reality but thankfully didn’t come to that. He was in a position to support us both, late 20’s good job but didn’t and she raised me on her own. Married when I was 7, was adopted by dad and have to say it really hasn’t affected me at all regards self esteem, confidence etc. At 18 my mother gave me the option of trying to make contact but I wasn’t interested and still am not. As far as I’m concerned he has nothing to add to my life. Not angry, bitter or anything.
I’ve had children and I still feel the same, eldest is 18 now. I’m separated from their father who has stopped all contact for the last 2 years. Entirely his choice as I really wanted them to maintain a relationship. He treated them quite poorly prior to stopping contact and the damage that was done has caused a lot of problems we’re still trying to work through 2 years later.
Honestly unless Stan is going to be a dependable and positive influence I wouldn’t let him have contact as nothing sucks the sense of self worth out of a child than to be treated poorly by someone that’s meant to love them, the damage can be irreparable.
I wouldn’t block him but would see if he follows through and makes serious effort to see her, show you that he’s serious in forming a relationship and is going to be a dependable trustworthy person that’ll be a positive influence in her life.
If it was me I’d sit back and wait to see what unfolds, if he really wants to be a proper dad he’ll make a consistent effort to contact you. He’ll understand he needs to work with you if he just needs an ego boost or is looking for a distraction he’ll be an inconsistent bellend and you’ll know what’s best to protect you daughter

I agree with Wheresmyvagina

Me too! A gradual introduction will be best for DD emotionally (likely to be what a court would order anyway), and if he isn’t serious he won’t follow through.

Haven't read all of the replies. Whilst your daughter does have a right to a relationship with him, her wellbeing is the most important thing and if he comes into her life and then abandons her that could cause more damage than you preventing it and her asking questions later down the line.

You could maybe suggest letters as a starting point... if he commits and is reliable for x period of time then perhaps that could be a sign he is committed? If not then at least you tried to compromise and support a relationship. Also a contribution to her upbringing financially too, again consistently for x period of time