I really need some advice and I’m sorry if this is long. Inspired by a recent thread on Aibu..
5 years ago after an on/off thing with an ex, I fell pregnant with my dd. (let’s call the ex Stan).
I loved Stan, prior to the fling/pregnancy we were only together for about 6 months. looking back I was not in a great place emotionally during our relationship and I probably gave him a lot more airtime than I should have but I was in my early twenties and had a lot of issues, among them ptsd/bulimia. He was basically immature and treated me quite badly, cheated on me and we broke up, it hurt me a lot. Anyway Stan and I continued to move in same circles after we broke up and we started to have the occasional hook up at parties when drunk. I think I hoped we would get back together/was drunk a lot and didn’t consider if this was a good idea. Nonetheless I was on the pill and I think because we had been together very recently we (stupidly) didn’t use condoms additionally. We probably had sex 3 different times over about a month and then he blocked me and ceased contact. I found out I was pregnant when I missed my next period.
I contacted Stan to tell him the situation 2 months after I found out. I had accepted there was no future for us before I found out I was pregnant and I wanted to be sure of what I was going to do, I knew he would pressure me to get an abortion and because of the way he had ditched me again, I wanted it to be my decision alone. I knew I was still really subsceptible to Stan and would be influenced by him. I went to an appointment to arrange an abortion but couldn’t go through with it. My eating disorder and anxiety kicked in big time and I felt paralysed, but I began to feel a connection with the baby and decided to keep it. I met up with Stan to tell him and he was furious at me, especially when he found out I was keeping it. I said I didn’t expect anything from him but he had a right to know. He basically told me to fuck off. I continued with what was a very traumatic pregnancy, emotionally supported as far as possible by my family, while I made financial preparations such as starting a new job and changing my accommodation. Stan didn’t contact me. I sent him a message with a photo when she was born but got no reply. When dd was born I got some treatment for my mental health issues, leaned heavily on my family and friends for emotional support, went back to full time work when dd was 7 months old. We managed just about with logistics/money. I sent Stan a photo of her and a quick update when she was 6 months old, he initially said he didn’t want to see her. Then changed his mind, came to see her and was still so angry and blaming at me that I decided not to contact him again. No contact then until she was 2 when I sent him a photo at Xmas and he said he didn’t want to know more or see her. I haven’t tried again since- that was 2.5 years ago now.
I never lodged a claim for maintenance with Stan/the CMA. He started 2 years of drama school the year she was born so was ineligible to pay child support. Also The anger I had seen towards me from him and I guess the hurt I still felt towards him just made me want to never speak to or see him again. Since then through sheer determination I’ve had 2 promotions and pay rises at work, got me and dd a nice flat, and I met my dear fiancé (DF) when she was 1.5, we are getting married in a month. He is daddy to her and shares a lot of her costs with me, his wonderful family have embraced her as one of their own. I feel lucky every day to have made a family and home and good life for dd and for me after my mistake.
Stan will have now finished drama school. No idea what he is doing job wise. I still haven’t lodged a claim for maintenance. I think when things got serious with DF and DD started to get older I just couldn’t bear the thought of giving Stan a foothold in her life to flip flap, poison her against me or disappoint her. Even when I was earning half what I am now I survived without him.
Stan messaged me on Facebook last weekend telling me that he “needed to be involved” with dd, thought about her a lot and wanted to “put things right before it’s too late”. However he also said he still resented me for “giving him no choice” 5 years ago when I decided to keep the baby. He also said he is only a “struggling actor with barely enough to live on” so doesn’t have much money to offer us.
I felt so conflicted on reading the message and just angry really. How can he still be angry at me? I’ve literally never asked anything of him, I’ve respected his choices but this did not extend to getting an abortion to please him. Despite him me and dd are thriving and well. I’m so happy with DF, in the thick of wedding planning and all the joys of raising a little one. Dd is a smart little girl but she has not yet asked about her “real father”, she does not lack for family and love. DF only knows the bare bones of what happened with Stan and he has never pushed for more. The last thing I want is to engage with Stan. For me, it IS too late. Dd has a loving stepdad and a strong mum. I dont think she “needs” Stan even if he feels he has changed his mind. I don’t know what this will benefit my dd. Her biological father is a callous person focused on his acting “career” and has repeatedly rejected or ignored his child, now she is nearly 5 and he wants to be involved? I don’t know how I’d begin to explain this to her, his lifestyle is by all accounts still that of a student and I don’t know anything about him anymore. It’s not even like he can contribute meaningfully financially (by his own admission)- I know this isn’t everything, but my DF has never blinked at providing for my dd and he would be pretty underwhelmed by Stan getting involved in the light of everything. I know it’s not up to my DF but I care about how this affects us all. This is dd’s life, family and sense of security
However all this about how not knowing your real father could fuck you up- I don’t want to fuck her up- I’ve done everything I can for her to have a good life and I just gave up after he wouldn’t engage but things have moved on. She’s ok, we are ok. Why does she need him?
I just want Stan to go away. I know he could petition for a dna test to get on her birth cert, he can knock himself out if he likes, I would highly doubt he would go to the trouble or afford it. I don’t feel the need to facilitate contact, I tried a few times years ago and he was happy to “focus on his studies” (his words) instead of wondering if his child was safe and provided for.
Please please tell me what to do. Aibu to ignore Stans paltry attempt at contact (Facebook really?) and do nothing? I don’t want him around dd. I want his selfish flip flapping arse to just fuck off and accept the consequences of his decision 4,5 years ago.
If he wants to put up a fight then to an extent it’s out of my hands but I do not want to facilitate this or even dignify him with a response.
Please help me.