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Original poster

DH just told me he’s secretly taking viagra

102 replies

Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 10:33

NC for this.

First of all, before I get flamed, I have nothing against Viagra — IF both parties are aware and it’s pre agreed to.

We’ve been married for 6 years and have 3 young DC one after the other. Rarely have sex which is making me question why he needs it. I suffered bad tears after birth that took many stitches, physio and a long time to heal + have had 3 babies one after the other so we’ve been intimate in other ways than sex it’s self, bjs etc maybe once a week or fortnightly. - he works away half the week before anyone gets at me this is not enough.
Yesterday as I walked in he quickly hid his phone I’ve never seen him look so panicky, so I asked to see his phone why he’s hiding it, resulted in a blazing row and I told him to leave. Today he’s messaged me he hid it as he was googling something about him and his Viagra and didn’t want me to see.

I feel so betrayed. I also feel horrible like all these years I wasn’t able to give him an erection and worthless Sad not to drip feed he’s only in his 20s and we got married at 19. So it’s not like he should need it.

Please be gentle feeling a little sensitive with him leaving yesterday I’m on my own with the young DC & now feeling inadequate too

OP posts:
Original poster
Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 10:40

When we first got married there were lots of masturabtion tissues on a daily basis always left on his side of the bed too. I told him I wasn’t cleaning up after his mess and he’d have to dispose of it himself. I’m wondering if he has a porn addiction which is causing some of this too? Confused

OP posts:
Chancewouldbeafinethlng · 03/05/2019 10:40

I think the best thing to do is to sit down (without kids if possible) and have a conversation about it. Try to keep it calm, don’t make him feel ashamed or he won’t open up. There are many reasons why he might need viagra but the only way to move forward is to communicate.

BogglesGoggles · 03/05/2019 10:44

Firstly, this is not a reflection on you. It’s merely a case of erectile dysfunction. It’s not uncommon for porn related ED in men of his generation. There may be other causes though like marijuana use or underlying health problems. You should try not to take it personally. But you need to sit down with him to make sure that he’s talked tgrough this withadoctor in case it’s a symptom of a serious problem.

NoBaggyPants · 03/05/2019 10:46

If he needs Viagra it's not necessarily to do with a lack of desire. Men can have ED for many reasons, or sometimes for no reason at all.

Have a calm conversation about why he needs it. Does he need to see the GP? There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking it and it's not a judgment on either party.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 03/05/2019 10:47

Viagra is just a medication, I'm not sure why you feel so entitled to know about it. He should have told you, but perhaps he knew that you would react this way and make his ED all about you? It has nothing to do with desire, if he didn't want to have sex with you then he wouldn't have bothered getting it!
To be honest, I'd be more concerned about any underlying health problems, I hope he was checked for diabetes, for example?

IsYourGoogleBroken · 03/05/2019 10:51

Is it prescribed or is he buying it ? Because if he's got an under lying heart condition he could end up giving him self a stroke (super double entendre) or a cardiac arrest. And ultimately dead.

MerQueennotMaid · 03/05/2019 10:57

Porn addiction is massively linked to erectile distinction, so you should start there.

MerQueennotMaid · 03/05/2019 11:00

Disfunction, rather!

Weenurse · 03/05/2019 11:00

Erectile dysfunction is often a symptom of other health issues.
Is he overweight, depressed, diabetic?
A conversation about how and why he is using viagra is important in a non judgmental way, as it could reveal deeper health issues.

SignedUpJust4This · 03/05/2019 11:00

So you didnt actually see what was on his phone?

RagingWhoreBag · 03/05/2019 11:02

Personally I’d be more concerned that his panic over you seeing his phone was another woman not viagra.

If he’s away half the week and his 20s, sadly I’d say shagging about is more likely than ED. Even if he is taking viagra, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t bother wasting it on masturbation and fortnightly BJs.

I could be way off the mark, but I think you need to consider it. Sorry Flowers

Original poster
Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 11:02

He hasn’t got a heart condition.
Don’t dribble - I’m not making it all about me! I am just concerned he has a porn addiction as there’s been a lot of filthy stuff seen left on the laptop etc (women urinating etc) which I naively at the time thought was a one off although I was disgusted. I am only saying this not to drip feed. I am now wondering if normal healthy sex isn’t enough for him anymore after going so far in to all of this other stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 11:04

He has no health issues. He’s very healthy and fit in his mid 20s never visits the drs I have to force him for major things like a dental abscess to seek help etc. I assume he’s buying them he doesn’t even have the drs number and asks me to make appts for him rarely maybe once every few years he doesn’t even remember the drs name

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 03/05/2019 11:06

I agree with whorebag. Something is going on. Porn related or OW. sorry OP.

S1naidSucks · 03/05/2019 11:10

It does sound like porn addiction and there have been studies that suggest that too much porn can actually cause difficulty in maintaining erections, so he may have telling the truth about needing the viagra. You need to talk to him and he needs to realise that he has to give up the porn watching, in order to heal. Every addiction causes issues and this is his. I hope you can both work it out, if you are happy with the other aspects of your relationship.

S1naidSucks · 03/05/2019 11:12

On the other hand if he’s cheating on you, then bin him. There’s no excuse for that.

Will he hand over his phone for you to look at? Tell him if he has deleted his recent history (last month or so) then that’s going to add to your mistrust.

Lweji · 03/05/2019 11:13

Yesterday as I walked in he quickly hid his phone I’ve never seen him look so panicky, so I asked to see his phone why he’s hiding it, resulted in a blazing row and I told him to leave. Today he’s messaged me he hid it as he was googling something about him and his Viagra and didn’t want me to see.

My first question is: how do you know he's telling you the truth?

Most likely he hid his phone for different reasons and came up with viagra as an excuse.

Original poster
Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 11:13

I really don’t think it’s OW. he stays at his sisters after work whilst he’s working away. FaceTimes every single evening as soon as he finishes and he’s back there. Messages all evening etc. Works with all males. Doesn’t really go out on the days he’s home maybe once with family friends who’s wives I’m friends with and see daily too. I’d be very surprised. But then again that’s probably what they all say! I am more inclined to porn addition but who knows. I genuinely came here for advice I don’t know how to approach the situation. He’s very secretive and closed off so getting him to open up is difficult. He’s always been like this & often turns situations back on me he’s a bit manipulative.

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/05/2019 11:15

He can get up to all sorts of things during lunch or straight after lunch.

He may not even really have an OW.

Do you have joint or separate accounts?

Original poster
Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 11:16

I asked to see his phone as soon as I saw him click it off and hide it when I walked in the room. He refused. Said I was being crazy, he doesn’t need to show me. Oh and “I would show you but because you are putting me on the spot and being crazy now I am not going to” I know 100% he was hiding something as I walked in it was on the private browsing screen with the all grey boarder on iPhone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 11:17

lweji separate accounts

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 03/05/2019 11:18

I wonder whether he's told you it's Viagra when actually something else is going on. I think you would have noticed a need for Viagra. You haven't and presumably you haven't noticed the spectacular effects of it, either? I would worry that he was in touch with someone.

Original poster
Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 11:22

I’ve just had a thought. Thursday evening we DTD and I told him to pull out (I know this isn’t effective contraception but that’s besides the point) Now, as I was going to finish him off (sorry tmi I feel awful speaking about this here) after he pulled out he went soft straight away. Now he wouldn’t of if he took a viagra that evening like he said he did, would he?

OP posts:
IsYourGoogleBroken · 03/05/2019 11:23

He hasn’t got a heart condition.
never visits the drs

How would he know if he has a cardiac condition?

Anyway, irrelevant as it seems to be porn related

Lweji · 03/05/2019 11:24

If you have separate accounts, he could be spending money on things you have no idea about.

I'd ask to see his phone and his bank accounts statements.

And the Viagra receipts.