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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH just told me he’s secretly taking viagra

102 replies

Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 10:33

NC for this.

First of all, before I get flamed, I have nothing against Viagra — IF both parties are aware and it’s pre agreed to.

We’ve been married for 6 years and have 3 young DC one after the other. Rarely have sex which is making me question why he needs it. I suffered bad tears after birth that took many stitches, physio and a long time to heal + have had 3 babies one after the other so we’ve been intimate in other ways than sex it’s self, bjs etc maybe once a week or fortnightly. - he works away half the week before anyone gets at me this is not enough.
Yesterday as I walked in he quickly hid his phone I’ve never seen him look so panicky, so I asked to see his phone why he’s hiding it, resulted in a blazing row and I told him to leave. Today he’s messaged me he hid it as he was googling something about him and his Viagra and didn’t want me to see.

I feel so betrayed. I also feel horrible like all these years I wasn’t able to give him an erection and worthless Sad not to drip feed he’s only in his 20s and we got married at 19. So it’s not like he should need it.

Please be gentle feeling a little sensitive with him leaving yesterday I’m on my own with the young DC & now feeling inadequate too

OP posts:
MitziK · 03/05/2019 16:55

My money's on Tinder, not GetUHard.com help pages open on his browser.

HollowTalk · 03/05/2019 16:59

Well, it is to have sex, I just know several work colleagues ranging in ages from 20's to 50's will take it sometimes, to enhance things, makes it harder for longer and also enables them to go again quicker.

Where the hell do you work?

Original poster
Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 17:21

I can’t check his browsing history as he uses private browsing. He has several emails etc that I don’t know about so I can’t snoop through his emails to find out what’s going on. I don’t know how to find out if he’s on tinder / marrital affair websites / or has a porn addiction. He’s too clever and secretive I would never find anything on him as he leaves no trace of anything to be found. I agree though, too many holes in the story nothing adds up. He’s becoming to defensive and stops talking to me as soon as I question anything with the excuse I am interrogating him and he’s had enough. ( caught out and refusing to answer) Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 17:23

Should I ask to see all bank statements & ask him to log in to his online banking? He’s gone to stay with a family member now 100 miles away.

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/05/2019 17:24

You shouldn't have to snoop.

Considering his caginess, I'd want him to volunteer his email accounts, etc to me on the spot.

I do believe that partners should have their privacy, but his behaviour seems odd. When a partner starts trying to hide things actively, it can't be good.

HollowTalk · 03/05/2019 17:29

Get yourself on Tinder and see if you can see him there.

riverislands · 03/05/2019 17:40

I would be suspicious of any story told after the fact, when the evidence may have been safely deleted.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/05/2019 17:42

I've never used Tinder but as far as I know it's an app.

If he's ever had the app on his phone, you can go on his phones app store and if it gives you an option to open it or redownload it then you know he's got it on his phone or even had it on his phone.

It's also incredibly odd that he always uses a private browser, I don't know anyone who does this unless they've got something they don't want their partner to see.

Lots of things don't add up.

Justaboy · 03/05/2019 18:11

Well Viagra and its derivates do come in many sized packs usually 4 but there are online places selling the real thing and many copies and some are very questionable to downright junk.

That said I do think your relationship isn't what it might be and the more you tell the more I think he finds it very difficult to talk to you about this matter. He really dosen't sound a Jack the lad playing away somehow.

You said he came to bed and wanted to DTD then lost it it may well be he's just hoping it just works for him and well it didnt seem to on that occasion. A lot don't know or have much idea of what you eat can have on the effects, i've used it at a faily high dose 100 mg after a fish and chip supper and it's efect was almost non existent whereas another time with nothing to eat a very desired result, it usually takes around an hour to be come effective. And it does help if the partner concerned is up for it as well!.

That said I think you really ought to see if you can talk between you and find out how and what he feels untill then its all up to speculation and half truths and the like . Just try to talk to him as awkard as that maybe and see if you can do it in a open non confrontable fashion else this isnt going to end too well anyway.

Yes he might be having a high old time elsewhere he might just be secertive as he's embarresed and is trying to fix a problem and isnt making a very good job of it.

TopEndChops · 03/05/2019 18:58

Hollowtalk - a national organisation that employs a greater proportion of men than women. I only know if it because my late partner also worked there and it was something they all discussed. I also have a friend who was OLD and said quite a few of the younger men she met said they used it even though they didn't 'need' it.

beanaseireann · 03/05/2019 19:29

I don't believe it's Viagra he's hiding from you.. It could be another woman or porn.

DecomposingComposers · 03/05/2019 19:32

First of all, before I get flamed, I have nothing against Viagra — IF both parties are aware and it’s pre agreed to.

I'm sorry - what? Why is it any of your business what medication your partner takes and why does he need your agreement?

His body, his choice.

Original poster
Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 20:45

decomposingcomposters oh for goodness sake. If I randomly came across a pack of Viagra I wouldn’t give a toss. Please read the full thread. I’m more concerned whether this is the truth or he’s hiding something from me. You’ve completely taken what I said out of context.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 03/05/2019 20:53

It's not the medication he's on it's the implication of why he would need a chemical to obtain and maintain lengthy erections in his mid 20s it are you just being argumentative?

DecomposingComposers · 03/05/2019 21:01

Ncagainagain

I took that quote from your post. Since then posters have suggested that there may be other things going on. That doesn't change the fact that your view, as you stated, is that you have no issue with viagra if both parties are aware and it is pre agreed. What did you mean then? It seems that you were saying it's ok for him to take it if he discussed it with you first and you agreed to it. If you meant something other than that then I apologise.

Original poster
Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 21:03

I don’t feel like I need to explain myself here, neither do I want an apology from you. People have real life problems going on & here you are being petty and argumentative. Feel free to read through the whole thread if you have any further questions or refer to what EKGEMS said. Have a good evening Biscuit

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 03/05/2019 21:06

EKGEMS

That isn't what OP said firstly, and secondly, it's up to him what medication he takes surely? What he does after he's taken it (eg demanding sex) or if he is taking it because he is having an affair (which the OP didn't seem to be considering when she posted) then that is a separate issue.

What I'm not understanding is why she said she would have no issue if it had been discussed and pre agreed with her.

I find that odd.

DecomposingComposers · 03/05/2019 21:08

Ncagainagain

Your updates have no bearing on what you wrote in your OP - namely that you have no problem with viagra so long as it is discussed and pre agreed with you first. They are your words. I haven't misinterpreted them.

DecomposingComposers · 03/05/2019 21:10

It's not the medication he's on it's the implication of why he would need a chemical to obtain and maintain lengthy erections in his mid 20s it are you just being argumentative?

Maybe because he has ED and needs to take it in order to get an erection?

thelastgoldeneagle · 03/05/2019 21:11

Other posters have talked about the viagra and the lies.

But what’s the rest of your relationship like? Is he a good dad? Spend time with the kids? Do his share if housework? Or do his issues - lying, being defensive, secretive, etc - affect family life?

Do you love him? Are you happy? It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Flowers

cakeandchampagne · 03/05/2019 21:30

Sorry- the secret phone stuff is often a cheating thing.

Ihatehashtags · 03/05/2019 21:44

Sounds dodgy. He’s either porn addicted, cheating, secretly gay, a swinger or something else.

EKGEMS · 03/05/2019 21:48

Decomposing His defensiveness and behavior implies guilt and secretiveness not shame for an ailment such as erectile dysfunction! A young man in his mid twenties to suddenly suffer ED is rare! I speak from experience as a nurse. And earlier in this thread he'd have to be an extremely heavy smoker.

DecomposingComposers · 03/05/2019 21:54

EKGEMS

He might be taking it recreationally, he might have been taking it for a while or he might have had ED issues for a while that has been masked by him working away and OP having given birth recently (ie they've not been having sex frequently so it was easier to hide).

Whatever the reason he has for taking it, OP didn't raise them in her post. Suspicions were raised by posters further on (and they may well be right. He might be hiding something else).

My surprise was with that statement - that it's only ok for him to take viagra if he had discussed it and OP agreed. I can't see any justification for that position.

EKGEMS · 03/05/2019 22:26

So she didn't put in the original post I'm sure because she's upset and hurt and wondering WTH happened to be left holding the baby, literally.
OP if your husband wants to come home there should be fundamental changes to his behavior especially him parking himself on a video console doing nothing and ignoring everyone. Hell if it were me I'd insist he be tested for autism it might help with behavior strategies but that's a big IF

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