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Original poster

DH just told me he’s secretly taking viagra

102 replies

Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 10:33

NC for this.

First of all, before I get flamed, I have nothing against Viagra — IF both parties are aware and it’s pre agreed to.

We’ve been married for 6 years and have 3 young DC one after the other. Rarely have sex which is making me question why he needs it. I suffered bad tears after birth that took many stitches, physio and a long time to heal + have had 3 babies one after the other so we’ve been intimate in other ways than sex it’s self, bjs etc maybe once a week or fortnightly. - he works away half the week before anyone gets at me this is not enough.
Yesterday as I walked in he quickly hid his phone I’ve never seen him look so panicky, so I asked to see his phone why he’s hiding it, resulted in a blazing row and I told him to leave. Today he’s messaged me he hid it as he was googling something about him and his Viagra and didn’t want me to see.

I feel so betrayed. I also feel horrible like all these years I wasn’t able to give him an erection and worthless Sad not to drip feed he’s only in his 20s and we got married at 19. So it’s not like he should need it.

Please be gentle feeling a little sensitive with him leaving yesterday I’m on my own with the young DC & now feeling inadequate too

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 03/05/2019 13:34

Because if he's got an under lying heart condition he could end up giving him self a stroke (super double entendre) or a cardiac arrest. And ultimately dead.

There's no evidence that viagra triggers strokes or MI"s. In fact the research shows that it does not.

Does sildenafil cause myocardial infarction or sudden cardiac death?

The overall conclusion is that sildenafil is a safe drug and that its appropriate use does not seem to increase the risk for myocardial infarction or sudden cardiac death.

NannyRed · 03/05/2019 13:46

Sorry love, I don’t believe he was “googling” viagra. I suspect he’s cheating on you. Just a gut instinct from your original message.

He’s left with not much of a fight, you married incredibly young, I truly doubt your marriage is going to last much longer. I’m not sure what other answers you’re expecting from mumsnet. Either way it’s not looking good.

I’m guessing you’re both 25, that’s about the age most people meet their life partner. What exactly do you want me to say?

Have you let yourself go? Do you two still get any time together as a couple? I’m so sorry that you and your babies are going through this, you’re so young to be looking at divorce already.

Please, please take time to sit and talk seriously about your future.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2019 13:48

Have you let yourself go

Why are you asking this ?

Huskylover1 · 03/05/2019 14:09

Rarely have sex which is making me question why he needs it

he works away half the week

^^ This is a HUGE problem

Today he’s messaged me he hid it as he was googling something about him and his Viagra

Sorry, but I don't believe that, for one minute. He's had time away from home, to concoct a "reason" why he was secretive with his phone. Viagra won't be it. If he'd already used Viagra, there'd be nothing to google. It'd be like you saying "I'm just googling something about me and my paracetamol". Doesn't make any sense.

Also, men in their 20's really shouldn't need Viagra.

I'd be getting a good look at that phone.

Original poster
Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 14:13

anyfker thank you for your replies

theres something going on that he’s too ashamed to discuss
this ^ Sad I don’t know what to do from here on I feel at loss.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 14:15

husky it’s a bit late to look at his phone now, he left with it everything will be deleted. I asked him to show me it & he refused

OP posts:
Original poster
Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 14:18

have you let yourself go
Is this really relevant? Yes I have I suppose, 1 DC has severe “low funcitioning” autism, goes to a special school, non verbal, needs a lot of care, etc. It’s drained me and I don’t have the energy for make up and getting dolled up like I used to esp juggling a baby and another toddler too

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 03/05/2019 14:21

I agree that men in their 20’s rarely need viagra.

The fact he wouldn’t show you his phone proves he has something to hide. If he can’t prove to you that he’s not up to anything and refuses to show you his phone then I would strongly suspect he’s cheating Sad.

TopEndChops · 03/05/2019 14:24

Not necessarily the case here but lots of men in their 20's and of all ages take viagra recreationally not because they 'need' to.

livinglavidavillanelle · 03/05/2019 14:25

I'd wager that the viagra thing was a cover story. There is something else that he was/is hiding, sorry

Original poster
Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 14:25

theendchops why would he be taking it then?

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 03/05/2019 14:27

I agree that men in their 20’s rarely need viagra.

Unless they smoke. Smoking is a very powerful way of causing enough vascular damage to lead to ED.

Effects of cigarette smoking on erectile dysfunction

Derbee · 03/05/2019 14:30

I’m a big believer in trust your instincts. Innocent things can sound terrible on here, and dramatic things can be totally innocent. You know your DH and relationship. But I’m a big believer in trust your instinct. I think you probably know deep down whether he could cheat/is cheating.

As for @NannyRed “have you let yourself go?” I’m struggling to see how the fuck that would have anything to do with the situation? As though if you look at all different from your teenage years, now that you’re a few years into marriage and babies, that’s a free pass to do whatever your DH wants behind your back? What a thoroughly ignorant and unhelpful thing to say! 🙄

TopEndChops · 03/05/2019 14:37

Well, it is to have sex, I just know several work colleagues ranging in ages from 20's to 50's will take it sometimes, to enhance things, makes it harder for longer and also enables them to go again quicker. I just meant it didn't mean he necessarily has ED
I don't think it's as common now but I know a lot of them were taking it a couple of years ago.

MikeUniformMike · 03/05/2019 14:42

I think that men take it for masturbating, but I'm only guessing this.

Lifecraft · 03/05/2019 14:47

He was probably on the internet buying Man Utd tickets, but panicked when confronted and said it was Viagra because he was so embarrassed.

MRex · 03/05/2019 14:51

Obviously the viagra tale is a lie, he's just made up too much nonsense around it. It's a shame, you're ever so young to have 3 kids and be dealing with relationship issues. If he were mine, I'd tell him it was obviously a lie, so let's move past that, he has one chance to tell the full truth and work through whatever the problems are, that he should come round at 7.30 when the children are in bed and talk through it. Then see what he says when he comes round. Any more lies though and I'd be unable to trust him further.

justasking111 · 03/05/2019 14:54

You need to get to the bottom of this. You could be devious and say you are getting silent calls and wonder if you have a stalker. He may think that the other woman is pestering you. That might panic him into opening up. Start ordering weird sex toy catalogues in his name. Then watch him open the post, or hide it.

Or you could just insist he tells you the truth and either watch him lie, or he could admit everything and you throw him out.

How far down the rabbit hole do you want to go just now?

Missingstreetlife · 03/05/2019 15:08

Prostitutes? Sorry op. Regarding him being closed, autism can run in families, so maybe he has a mild form (doesn't excuse his behaviour, but might need different tactics) counselling?

Original poster
Ncagainagain · 03/05/2019 15:33

I’ve thought he could possibly have a mild form for a while. He’s obsessed with things. Can’t communicate, lacks empathy he can’t relate to how I’m feeling ever or anyone else for that matter all he does is play games at home & ignores everyone.

justasking111 I could do that as I know he won’t open up I can’t get anything out of him. Anyone ideas?!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/05/2019 16:11

He doesn't sound much cop, lying and deceitful behaviour aside, tbh

theOtherPamAyres · 03/05/2019 16:28

I think that you have to tell him that, because he is being secretive and furtive, that you are thinking of all possible scenarios like, for example, that he has a sexually transmitted disease.

Tell him that you've also considered worse things that he may be covering up, which you don't have to describe to him - let him guess.

Omzlas · 03/05/2019 16:31

There's more to this OP. If he was simply buying viagra, why not show you his phone?
And how can he know he doesn't have any medical conditions that are contraindicated with ED medication, if he never visits a Dr? While we're at it, he 'orders online' but collects them from a pharmacy?

I call BS. Complete and utter BS. There are too many holes in his story for me, especially when he's still being defensive.

It could anything from another woman, gambling, porn addiction, drugs, criminal activity.... the list goes on. I wouldn't trust his as far as I could throw him though.

SleepingSloth · 03/05/2019 16:40

I think he's lying OP. His story makes no sense and he knows it which is why he says he's done discussing it.

I hope you find out the truth as you and your children deserve better.

Lweji · 03/05/2019 16:49

Whatever it is, it's not good.

It could even be gambling and he could have debts.

I'd want to see everything (phone, computer and bank accounts), because he's clearly lying to you.
Best case, his history on his phone will confirm his story.
And if he's deleted everything, then one more reason to be suspicious of something and not trust him. Lack of trust is certainly a good enough reason to dump him.

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