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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to get help in morning

127 replies

MRSMARMITE3 · 02/05/2019 23:09

So can't tell if I'm being hormonal. Hence this post .
Have a 3 week old baby and a 7 year old. For a few weeks DH is driving 7 year old to school as it's an hour walk for me or a 20 minute drive for him. This is obviously very helpful as getting out of the house with a newborn is a nightmare.
However altho he drives him I still have to get 7 year old up, dressed and breakfast whilst also feeding baby and pumping (baby can't latch so having to pump and express every two hours). DH will get up, shout once up stairs for 7 year old then will go have his breakfast and shower. I've asked him to help and he said "I drive him to school?" I'm bricking it about when he doesn't drive him as I will have to get up even earlier as will need to leave the house extra early

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 02/05/2019 23:21

It's unreasonable in my opinion for him to basically just yell upstairs and leave it at that given the current circumstances with the 3-week old. Every couple/family have a routine which works for them which others might balk at but this doesn't sound like it's working for you. Have you discussed together him stopping the driving? Is the route changing or something as I get the impression that he's basically told you "You have a month so sort yourself out because after that I'm not driving him anymore." But to answer your question - getting help is not unreasonable if it works for your family.

Original poster
MRSMARMITE3 · 02/05/2019 23:22

He's only driving because I've just had a baby. He's starting work a bit later and finishing later so he can drive him but is expecting after a week or so for me to do it and him to go back to his normal time and not drive him

OP posts:
MingeOnFire · 02/05/2019 23:25

Is there any reason DH can't carry on driving DS until the end of term? By the time they go back in September baby should be easier.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 02/05/2019 23:28

Fucking hell! With a 3 week old that you are expressing for I’d expect him to be doing everything for the 7 year old in the morning and leaving you to sleep for as long as you can.

Hes a selfish prick!

Original poster
MRSMARMITE3 · 02/05/2019 23:28

He doesn't want to! He said he doesn't like the extra driving (he then has to drive to work) or finishing later. It's an extra half an hour. Before the baby he never did it as I walked with our 7 year old to school. And I do the walk home (it takes an hour tho which is a massive pain or I could take two buses which would take longer)

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 02/05/2019 23:36

Has he taken leave of his senses? Staggering that he's basically told you to sort the kids out alone.

Graphista · 02/05/2019 23:41

I can't believe you didn't already know he was a lazy and unwilling parent before you had no 2.

In which case why wasn't this addressed before no 2 came along?

At this point you need to put your foot down (and I agree you shouldn't bloody have to!)

HE ALSO has 2 CHILDREN that means DAILY patenting not Fucking slacking off and leaving it all to you when you've a newborns and pumping and recovering from PREGNANCY AND BIRTH to deal with.

Honestly gives me the rage that so many men behave like this but equally I don't understand why their wives and partners not only tolerate it but have more children with them.

They very rarely change.

But yes put a rocket under him and tell him to stop being a selfish, thoughtless and ignorant twat!

WitBeyondMeasure · 02/05/2019 23:41

While I do think your DH could be doing more, I also think your 7yo could be doing more.
I have three kids 5 and under. My husband works late shifts. I get 5yo school clothes out and toothbrush and toothpaste out and he does the rest himself.

If he was a bit taller I'm pretty sure he could do it all himself to be honest, but the bathroom cabinet and his wardrobe are just out of his reach

Original poster
MRSMARMITE3 · 02/05/2019 23:48

It's not all bad, he does do one night feed (whilst I'm pumping). 7 year old is lazy but I fear we've made him like this and will take a while to change him. I think its always been accepted that the morning it was my job to get child ready cos I didn't have work (I work evenings) I need to have words with him tomorrow. He's snoring next to me in bed, I did mutter "daddy's a dick head" whilst feeding my newborn earlier and DH did hear and wasn't impressed but there's no point hashing it out in the middle of the night.

OP posts:
Oohgossip · 02/05/2019 23:49

I have a similar situation to you op. I insisted dh was going to take care of toddler in the mornings as I had a newborn, hadn’t slept, breast fed etc.
Dh wasn’t - and isn’t - happy (likes to look after himself in a morn) but does it cuz he knows he can’t possibly reasonably argue otherwise lol

Someoneonlyyouknow · 02/05/2019 23:53

"He's only driving because I've just had a baby."

Actually, you BOTH have a baby. Ask him if he wants to be called "dad" or "sperm donor". He needs to help more when he is at home and you shouldn't have to ask. It's ridiculous that you should be forced into a competition as to which of you is most inconvenienced by getting your DS to school. On a side note is there not a school any closer because this must be quite a trek in the winter?

Original poster
MRSMARMITE3 · 02/05/2019 23:57

When I was pregnant he liked to tell everyone how "we are pregnant" which pissed me off massively so I made him stop cos hes not bloody pregnant I was. There is a nearer school but it's bloody awful hence I applied for this one (DH didn't care either way which school DS went to so I think I feel it's my job to get him to school cos I picked that school if that makes sense)

OP posts:
Graphista · 03/05/2019 00:03

Wow and the best you could come up with in his defence is he does one night feed?!

As for you feeling responsible (guilty?) for your son going to a further away school cos it's better - because his own father didn't give a shit what school he went to! - says it all.

I honestly don't understand why you tolerate this.

As for the 7 year old being lazy well he's learning by example isn't he? But he's choosing the example that makes his life easier.

It's perpetuating the cycle of spoilt boys growing up into entitled, selfish husbands and fathers - for which frankly both parents are to blame.

I genuinely don't understand it.

soulrunner · 03/05/2019 00:04

Hang on- so the school run takes you 4 hours a day?????

Chocmallows · 03/05/2019 00:07

If you say you'll get taxis would he change his mind?

If he does stop helping I would get taxis when weather's really rough anyhow.

DrWhy · 03/05/2019 00:09

Your DH is being an arse, mine is also an arse but not nearly so bad. I’m also on mat leave and DH takes DS to nursery every morning (it’s on his work site). Almost every morning his alarm wakes DS who toddles through to me waking me and often the baby. DH then takes himself off for a 20 minute loo break and shower. I end up having to get up to stop DS waking the baby and getting him up and dressed, DH will then take over but by then I’m thoroughly awake and I’ve missed precious time I could have been sleeping while the baby was sleeping, it drives me insane!! However he’d never expect me to do the drop off even on the days he’s working on another site and he does get DS breakfast, into coat and shoes etc and get him out of the door, which is a step better than your DH.

Catren · 03/05/2019 00:42

This is crazy. Yanbu. He needs to pull his weight - you're both parents, there are two children, you both start parenting from when you wake up. Why does he get a free pass to get ready at a leisurely pace while you look after two dcs including a newborn! Yes he drives dc in but you're still at home giving full time care to his other child, so it isn't as if you're slacking off once he's gone.

Sometimes you have to lay it out in terms of what needs to get done, and then divide it equally between you while you're both there. When do you get to breakfast, shower and get ready in peace, exactly?

Do not tell me he cycles as a hobby...

Graphista · 03/05/2019 01:12

Catren - glad it's not just me that has noticed that hobby cyclists seem particularly selfish.

Catren · 03/05/2019 03:42

graphista it's ripe for some social research! Phd subject anyone?

Graphista · 03/05/2019 04:19

Oh definitely!

But then I rarely read of a genuinely decent father on here - even by those who claim theirs is!

Passthecherrycoke · 03/05/2019 05:04

I’m also confused- the school run takes 4 hours? How can you not have a closer school that an hours walk? That’s 3/4 miles!

Today, look after your baby and leave the 7 year old to him. He can see how shouting doesnt work and come up and sort them out. If you keep stepping it and sorting it all out nothing will change

TwoShades1 · 03/05/2019 05:20

I think it’s u reasonable that your dressing and making breakfast for a 7 year old! I used to take my step kids to school and aside from waking them up and a couple of reminders to do things or that we were leaving soon, they got themselves ready. Youngest was 6, she was quite capable of making a bowl of cereal, putting her uniform on and brushing her teeth. I used to do her hair and make sure they put their lunches in their bag.

Dreamingofkfc · 03/05/2019 06:10

Does your 7 year old really walk for an hour each way? Do you walk for 4 hours each day? Wow. I find the school run a total pain and it's only 15 mins door to door!

Oohgossip · 03/05/2019 06:14

@drwhy omg you just described my mornings. HOW annoying is it!!!

PregnantSea · 03/05/2019 06:21

Why on earth are you putting up with this? Your DH is being a lazy arse.

I agree with PP's suggestion that you tell him you'll be getting taxis for the school run from now on. That should spur him into action lol.

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