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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to get help in morning

127 replies

MRSMARMITE3 · 02/05/2019 23:09

So can't tell if I'm being hormonal. Hence this post .
Have a 3 week old baby and a 7 year old. For a few weeks DH is driving 7 year old to school as it's an hour walk for me or a 20 minute drive for him. This is obviously very helpful as getting out of the house with a newborn is a nightmare.
However altho he drives him I still have to get 7 year old up, dressed and breakfast whilst also feeding baby and pumping (baby can't latch so having to pump and express every two hours). DH will get up, shout once up stairs for 7 year old then will go have his breakfast and shower. I've asked him to help and he said "I drive him to school?" I'm bricking it about when he doesn't drive him as I will have to get up even earlier as will need to leave the house extra early

OP posts:
bloatedbird · 03/05/2019 06:22

Do you not drive OP?

itsboiledeggsagain · 03/05/2019 06:31

At the risk of mn wrath I think it would be a long time to get your dh to go to work late for 3 months. Of course I have no idea what job he does but it may be very inconvenient for his employer. (and I say that as someone whose dh has just left and I have 3 small things to get to first school and nursery and I v important meeting at 9.30 after an hours commute)

It is tough having a new baby but not entirely unexpected by the time it arrives. You will need to muddle through.
What help we're you thinking of? Get someone to walk him, taxis? All good ideas if you can afford it.

But I am astounded you are dressing him so you need to work on that stuff too

FancyAPint · 03/05/2019 06:35

he should be doing everything in the morning at this stage and 1/3-1/2 of the nights

blackcat86 · 03/05/2019 06:38

There are a few things here that you need to unpick which is tricky when you're in the sleep deprived newborn haze. Your older child needs to be more independent. Leave out clothes, leave out cereal and I bet your surprised and what they can do by themselves. Tell DH what you're doing and ask him to supervise. Your school journey is ludicrous. What will you do if you dont get a place there for the 2nd child? Could you reconsider a closer school or see if a family member could take him? I'm not sure how reasonable it is to extend the time DH is driving him but dont lump that in with general help as I'm sure there is plenty to do in the evenings, nights, weekends. Could your older child shower at night?

Munchkingoat · 03/05/2019 06:42

Your DH is being unreasonable and lazy but you really need to address this school journey issue. If it's an hour to walk there that's 4 hrs walking a day which is bonkers, you absolutely need to learn to drive.

I'm a little confused though when you say you work evenings - your baby is only three weeks old - sorry you're not working at the moment?

Munchkingoat · 03/05/2019 06:42

Surely that should have said

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 03/05/2019 06:52

An hour's walk to school, rain or shine, sounds really tough on your 7yo, actually. Can you cycle? (Obviously currently difficult with a newborn).

FWIW if it's just a matter of personal preference for being in earlier, no actual operational reasons, your dh is being insufferably selfish and needs to get over himself and drive his son.

HBStowe · 03/05/2019 06:54

I think that once your baby is older you should prioritise learning to drive OP - it will make your life so much easier!

In the meantime, your husband is being an arsehole. He needs to realise he’s not doing you a favour by helping you with your kids - he is an EQUAL parent who has full responsibility for looking after his own children. Tell him he needs to start taking responsibility for the 7yo and helping him not to be lazy (laying out uniform the night before, packing his bag etc). He needs to do this because it’s his job as a parent, not as a favour to you...

Home77 · 03/05/2019 06:54

Could book 7 yr old into school breakfast club, DH could drop off early and help with breakfast at club? Would be helpful perhaps.

Home77 · 03/05/2019 06:54

I mean breakfast would be given at club

TheTreeHearsYourSecret · 03/05/2019 06:58

We moved house to get into catchment for an incredible secondary school but we kept our sons in their outstanding primary school which would be a 45/50 minute walk away and we have done that a few times in the snow.

But I wouldn't be doing it daily, walking that distance every day is such a waste of time for you. I drive and I have my own car.

Your Dh should be taking full responsibility for Ds7 ridiculous that he isn't. Stop doing it, concentrate on the baby.

Widowodiw · 03/05/2019 07:00

You need to explain the hours walk op? I can bypass about 15 schools if I walked for an hour. Your 7 year old doesn’t sound lazy to me if he’s been walking an hour to school.

Is your husbands employer putting pressure on him to be in work at normal times? If so perhaps he needs to make formal request for flexible working as a two hour walk for your 7 year old and 4 hours for you is silly.

Is

ineedaholidaynow · 03/05/2019 07:05

Your DH is being an arse.

However, I would never have chosen a school that far away if I couldn’t drive. We chose an out of catchment school for DS but I could drive him there (rural area). Are there any other school parents nearby who could take DS?

Mygirlpoppy · 03/05/2019 07:07

I think the walk to school is half an hour, so for the OP it takes an hour round trip.

Soontobe60 · 03/05/2019 07:12

First of all you need to drive to school, not walk. Your child will be knackered by the time he gets there!
Second, you'd DH needs to do more night feeds.
Third, you DO have a job, it's called bring up a baby!
Tell him what he is going to do from now on, it's just as much his responsibility to raise his children.

crazychemist · 03/05/2019 07:31

Sounds like you have quite a few issues here, OP. Maybe pick one to address first based on which you think is most likely to be successful?

  1. Your DS is old enough to be doing more for himself. It would be a little bit sad to leave him to himself for breakfast (which is what I suspect would happen if you just left the stuff out for him and left it to your DH), conversation over breakfast is a lovely way to start the day. But he could certainly do a bit for himself.. Try asking him "here's the ceral, can you pour some in your bowl please while I get the milk out). After a couple of days jut pass it to him and smile, he'll probably just pour it out of habit. Next week get the milk out of the fridge and pass it to him "just pour that on while I get the kettle on" etc.... baby steps and routine building will give him confidence without feeling under pressure.
  1. Surely he can dress himself? Do you mean you have to get stuff out and supervise so he isn't too slow? I guarantee he dresses himself at school when he has P.E, so he must be able to do it. Clothes need to be out the night before ready to go. Can you make it a challenge for him to do it in a certain time? Get a fancy egg-timer so he can see the time passing, or sing a song with him and he has to be dressed before the end of the song to get a sticker on his chart (or whatever your normal bribery system is!)
  1. Can't tell whether it is reasonable for your DH to say he won't drive. Is there an actual REASON why he has to be at work at certain times? If so, you need to look into other ways to travel. That kind of long walk will be hell with a 6mo in winter unless your younger one always sleeps in the pram. Either your DH needs to be taking responsibilities for school run long term (mine does, and he's REALLY not hands on in other ways) or you need a second car. Perhaps leave the choice up to DH? If you can't afford a second car he will just have to drive. To reduce the effect, can you lift-share with another parent? Ask if someone can pick yours up so you DH doesn't have a disrupted morning, and in exchange your DH brings both kids back at the end of the day. I'm afraid it's completely unreasonable for your DH to have 2 kids and expect no change to his daily routine. It's completely bonkers of him to take that attitude, but you presumably knew what he was like when you had 2 kids with him?
  1. Is there anything you can do to make your feeding situation easier with newborn? Have you seen someone about his difficulty latching? It's often just tongue-tie, which can be very easily fixed but isn't always diagnosed. If it's a problem that can't be fiixed and won't get better over time, can you combination feed so you don't need to pump as often? There's a lot of scare-mongering about combination feeding and supply, but it can be done well even from quite an early age.
SignedUpJust4This · 03/05/2019 07:39

Doe she think mat leave is for you to be his skivvy and him to duck out of parenting? Mat leave is for you to recover and feed your baby. He still has to be a father. What a bloody prick. At this stage with my second baby my OH did EVERYTHING. he basically let me sit in the chair and feed that baby all day & night while he took care of older child. Dont be a doormat OP. Collecting & dropping a 7yo is not a huge ask.

Shoxfordian · 03/05/2019 07:40

So he wanted to say "we are pregnant" but we clearly don't seem interested in actually parenting, that's just your job right? He sounds fucking useless

Original poster
MRSMARMITE3 · 03/05/2019 07:42

So trying to answer ask the questions in a sleepy haze. It's an hour there and back each way. This was prior to the baby when I used to pull DS on the scooter (he's the size of a 5 year old) with DS walking it will take longer cos I have to constantly spire him on. The baby came early but I was hoping on maternity leave to get him to walk but then the baby came at Easter. I mentioned I work in the evenings to show that the day I don't have work to go to (obviously I'm on maternity at the mo) it's not my DS who had a shower in the morning its DH. I can't drive. Also can't afford to just learn and we are saving up for a mortgage so we can move nearer to the school (but are way off).
This morning I went and got dressed whilst baby was moaning so DH did have to get up with her and he did start to give her a bottle.

OP posts:
Original poster
MRSMARMITE3 · 03/05/2019 07:44

I mean I had one week of maternity then baby came. Ugh my brain is mush.

OP posts:
Original poster
MRSMARMITE3 · 03/05/2019 07:45

Sorry I mean with pulling DS/ it would take hour to walk there and back but with my not pulling him at all (it's up hill) I imagine it will take hour there as takes an hour for him to walk home after school

OP posts:
stucknoue · 03/05/2019 07:48

Is a bike an option (on pavement) when I lived in a village which was very spread out lots of kids cycled whilst their parents (well mums) pushed younger siblings. 30 mins each way is still a fair walk for you, suggest he is driven until at least half term

SignedUpJust4This · 03/05/2019 07:51

Bloody hell he's 7.evem if he is the size of a 5 yo my 4yo can manage a long walk. Bin the scooter and tell that kid to get a move on. Ideally your OH should do it tho.Also learn how to drive. It will change your life.

Reddedder · 03/05/2019 07:52

By the time you save up for a mortgage nearer the school, he’d be at a different one. Driving now is the best solution

Nanny0gg · 03/05/2019 07:53

Can you move nearer now? This journey is unsustainable. Are there no other schools between home and that one?

Your husband is a whole other issue

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