Aibu to get help in morning

[MRSMARMITE3]

So can't tell if I'm being hormonal. Hence this post .
Have a 3 week old baby and a 7 year old. For a few weeks DH is driving 7 year old to school as it's an hour walk for me or a 20 minute drive for him. This is obviously very helpful as getting out of the house with a newborn is a nightmare.
However altho he drives him I still have to get 7 year old up, dressed and breakfast whilst also feeding baby and pumping (baby can't latch so having to pump and express every two hours). DH will get up, shout once up stairs for 7 year old then will go have his breakfast and shower. I've asked him to help and he said "I drive him to school?" I'm bricking it about when he doesn't drive him as I will have to get up even earlier as will need to leave the house extra early

Baby will soon fall Into the routine that the school run time is a nap time

I would get a good pushchair with a buggy board.

I'm another who is surprised it takes so long! We are 0.8 miles from school so almost as far, it is all up (steep) hill on the way back but DD has been doing it since she was almost 4 (nursery). At first it would take 25 mins & she had a sit down on a bench half way, we now motor all the in about 15 mins.

She's just 7 so same age, because we started young she's just used to it.

I see so many kids getting driven everywhere even when it's not far & then they can hardly run/walk for more than a few mins.

Back to your original question though, yes your DH should help so much more! Does he have flexible start/end times at work? If so, there's no excuse for him to not continue taking DS at least until the end of this school year.

why did he have kids if he He doesn't want to actually do any parenting?
You've enabled this.

@SleepingStandingUp sorry I didn't see that. I thought it must be really far taking an hour each way!

Itsboiledeggsagain - why do you think it unreasonable that a FATHER ask their employer for adjustments to accommodate childcare? Millions of women do so and as long as he's putting in the same total hours and it's not affecting his work - which in most workplaces it wouldn't - then I genuinely don't see the problem.

We HAVE to stop acting as if fathers aren't parents too. We have a shamefully poor set up compared to many other countries regarding fathers employment rights and expectation to provide childcare.

3 months is NOT long at all when you consider in other countries fathers can get up to 3 months paid paternity leave!

Op you REALLY need to stop saying and viewing it as "help" - and telling dh same. Words have meaning. He's not "helping" you're not asking him to "help" you are reasonably expecting him to PARENT because he IS a parent - to TWO children now.

He seriously needs to get on board with that FACT!

A good father takes an interest in their child's education, development and meeting their needs - he's doing none of that.

"Breakfast club could be useful if the school has one. Sharing the school run with other families (you would be helping them as well) and the idea that DH drops you all at, or near, school might work?" I agree these ideas are easier and cheaper to put in place short term.

Medium to long term however, I agree driving more important than moving. Not only for school but as you'll soon realise children your eldest's age tend to start wanting to do loads of extra curricular activities plus things like parties etc ramp up and with 2 children and such a big age gap you will find life SO much easier being able to drive. It may even mean you don't need to move.

But even so 1 mile I'm afraid I also think isn't that far and I'm shocked if it takes an hour! I have a driving licence but at times have been on meds that meant I couldn't drive, dd has mainly walked to school even when I was driving as she preferred to go in with a gaggle of friends. I've just checked and the distance was 3/4 of a mile and took her - even with their slow pace and mucking about - a max of 10 mins. Uphill all the way home too.

Tbh I do agree with the poster above that getting a 7 year old ready to to school shouldn’t be such a drama for either of you.

Ok so I just realized looked at it's 1 1/2 miles according to Google maps. We must be slow walkers. Today after school was constantly on at him to walk fast and he did Scoot down the hill and it still took us both 45minutes. Walking on my own with the Pram to get him takes me 25 minutes.

So many questions here, I'll start with these:

whilst I understand why* you attend the school a mile away Why in the many years you have had a school age child (and then planned and have been pregnant with another baby) haven't you found a workaround? Learn to drive etc

• Why can't your 7yo scoot? Why are you pulling him?

• Why is this distance taking so long?

• What help do you want and why on Earth do you think your unhelpful cunt of a husband will agree to it? [Assuming he'll be involved in funding it?]
  This is the man you had to force to help you when you were fucking ill not to mention contagious

Also stop expressing. I say this as someone who did it for 6 months for DC3 (rare genetic condition, first few weeks in neonatal)

I also expressed for 8 weeks with DC1 and the day I stopped was the day I began to enjoy the baby.

Managed to BF DC2 oddly enough.

Argh I can't stop expressing!! Mum guilt! Especially as my first child had bad reflux /dairy intolerance and worried that this one will have it too and if she's gets breast milk I can just cut out dairy.also I've had drummed into me so much "breast is best" and I feel bad I've failed at latching. At least this way she gets some breast milk.

I basically need to be more forceful at getting DS to move in the mornings, and getting DH to do more.

You are not a slow walker, your DS is.

Does he struggle with physical activities or does he just muck about? Again in the morning if you let him get ready by himself would he struggle to keep on task, or again just muck about?

Your distance to school is the same as mine. No schools in my village so we go to the next one. We've always walked, when ds1 was in reception i had a 3 year old and a baby so they've all done it from an early age. It takes the dc 20 min to walk there. to be fair when they were younger it could take 45 min to walk home if tired etc. The 7 year old just needs to get used to doing it. Bribery, encouragement, meeting him at school with a banana for energy etc. My current 7 year old is way better at doing it than his older brother was at the same age! We cycle mostly now so it takes 10 min.

He said he doesn't like the extra driving - 1 mile? How come it takes 20 minutes? And just reply that you 'just don't like the walk'. Now what?

OP is there anything physically wrong with your son? I'm not being rude, it's a genuine question. Is he low on energy generally, does he get out of puff a lot when playing? does he do much sport etc?

I can understand you want to keep pumping, I did the same length as Crunchy (for the same reason) but I would say that if you're going to keep your sanity, you need a kinder routine. You must be getting no sleep if you're pumping (and sorting faff) at say midnight then awake again at 2 am and 4 am etc, you're just micro napping.

is it hand or electric pump? are you double pumping - so both breasts together? It might be worth stretching it a little longer, so you get fuller.

How does it take take 20 minutes to drive a mile and a half?

How does it take take 20 minutes to drive a mile and a half?

Have you ever lived in a London borough?!!

Not sure the OP does as where I lived it wasn't hilly but 20 mins to drive a mile and a half was definitely possible!

Yes, I am surprised by a lot of these responses. It could easily take 20 minutes if not far more to do that drive.

OP I've not read all the replies so apologies if this has already been said.
If there is no known reason for the difficulty in latching baby (eg illness) then I would suggest getting yourself some feeding support. Your health visitor may be able to refer you to an infant feeding specialist or lactation consultant. It's also worth getting baby checked for a tongue tie if this hasn't been done. You could also try attending a breastfeeding support group if you have one in your area.

Another pumper here! No suck reflex either. It nearly sent me mad. It basically means no sleep at all. It’s torture. I remember those days as so dark, when they should have been so joyous.

She’s had 3 weeks, which is brillisbt. But two hourly pumps plus feeding plus 7 yr old plus husband plus life = no sleep. You’ll go mad.

I was advised by a very sensible GP to stop pumping and formula feed. I was exhausted and in tears. Like a pp, I enjoyed my baby so much more afterwards. It’s not a failure. I too felt enormous guilt esp as I breast fed firstborn. But first wasn’t prem and was born with a sucking reflex. So it’s not the same. You can’t treat kids the same all the time. At any age.

GP Said to me ‘ the best thing for a baby is a happy mum, not breast milk’. I loved him for saying that, it was so true. My big baby is no less healthy than my breastfed first born. And we are tight as a tight thing so no bonding effect either.

Or mix feed? Pump 8, 12, 4, 8, and formula the rest? As pp says you may get more milk. 2 hourly is a total killer, leaves space for nothing else. I had my mum and v helpful Partner doing literally everything else (18month old, food, washing, bottles, cleaning etc) and it still nearly killed me.

yup, even with a poorly sick baby in nicu who couldn't feed until his operation, i was told to prioritise my mental well being over how often i pumped

I so feel for you OP. What a tough start. Whatever you decide, I hope you get help and get some more rest. You are doing amazingly well, be proud of that. Try to get husband to help more. This isn’t a time to massively hike expectations of your 7!l year old though, his whole world just turned upside down and he’s gone from 100 per cent attention to (understandably) much less. Try to get help or the buggy board idea and deal with any additional issues (ie being more independent ) much further down the line. You all need a big dose of kindness at the moment. I hope you get yours. Sending you masses of female solidarity and a huge hug

I've got a hospital grade pump I bought but only pump one at a time. And I'm doing Combi feed as can't pump enough (and in the night I'm not doing it every two hours) it is hard like rather than sit and cuddle my baby I need to put her down to pump.
As for anything physically wrong with DS no don't think so. In the womb he didn't grow due to blood clots in the placenta hence he's small for his age but it hasn't caused any long term problems. I did notice tho that if he does slot of walking (e.g they had a school trip where they had to walk there and walk around all day then walk back to school) he wakes in the night with leg/foot pain.
Thanks for everyone's tips. X

Presumably part of the 20mins extra that it takes DH is parking & taking DS in? As a compromise, could DH drop you all off at the top of the hill before going on to work? Then he doesn’t have to hang around waiting for the school gates to open etc