Why does MN hate baby showers?

[SnakesBarmitzvah]

I’m curious.

I’ve read many comments about how gross and tacky they are. I don’t really get the big deal?

Also gender reveals.

What’s with all the American hate?? I’ve given baby showers and I have gone to baby showers. I enjoy seeing a new mom -to -be opening gifts for her future little one. I enjoy women supporting other women in this new big change of life time. I guess I’m horrible.

1 - Because they're American and therefore must be tacky, tasteless, yada, yada..

2 - Because the British don't understand what they are and most of the truly nice elements of the baby shower have been lost somewhere en route eastwards across the Atlantic.

Or maybe it's just something in British culture that is alien to the spirit of community and supportiveness that baby showers represent. What is the utter meanness about? The judgeyness and accusations of being 'grabby'? Why does something simple and nice have to be turned into such a complex and fraught incident involving guilt and resentment and obligation and cynicism?

I live in the US and have been to several baby showers, and several were thrown for me too when pg with DD1. They are lovely events.
My exMIL threw the first one, which was attended by my SILs and some of MIL's neighbours and her friends, a very sedate event. We had sandwiches and cake and non-alcoholic beer. The second was a surprise shower thrown by the people I worked with on a Friday afternoon shortly before I went on mat leave. The whole office attended; every one had hidden goodies they had bought or baked for the event, as well as a high chair and carseat... I never suspected a thing. It was very jolly. All of the gifts I got from both showers were used by DD1 and her four siblings in turn - A homemade crocheted blanket, little stuffed animals, the high chair, the car seat, a stroller, a little plate, sippy cup and baby cutlery set, a musical cot mobile featuring little bears which played 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow', some Beatrix Potter books, baby towels, cot sheet sets, a set of cloth diapers that I used as muslins, a baby monitor, and more.

One of exMIL's elderly neighbours threw a wedding shower for me too, when I first arrived in the US. The gift theme was kitchen equipment. Invitees included my SILs, their female cousins, some neighbours, and some friends of exMIL's. She booked a private dining room on one of the top floors of a hotel and we had a very ladylike luncheon featuring cold cucumber soup, iced tea, caesar salad, rolls, and assorted petits fours, with tea or coffee afterwards.
I still have many of the items that were given that day too.
So shoot me.

FWIW:
Baby showers are never thrown by the expectant mother herself. It's something a friend or aunt or grandmother would do and the intention is to honour the mother and provide practical support to her as she prepares for the baby's arrival. They have evolved of course, but the basic intention of honouring the mother (and motherhood itself) remains.

..............
'Gender' reveals otoh - YUK
And it's sex, not gender.

The 'not counting your chickens" argument would make sense if people didn't make any preparations before the arrival of their baby. But if you've bought clothes and nappies and a cot and a pram and sorted out a nursery, then a few extra things aren't going to make a huge difference.

And if the mother does lose her baby, she's still a mother, just a bereaved one, and deserves to have had that acknowledged and celebrated.

It honestly sounds as though people are objecting to the thought that they might have spent money on a 'wasted" gift if the baby dies.

I really don't understand this feeling that accepting help or gifts from yourcomunity is somehow "grabby" and therefore vulgar - not just with baby showers, but with potluck meals, or weddings where the guests help out with food or decorations, or giving out sweets at Halloween.

In the world of Mumsnet, parties and social events seem only to be acceptable if the hosts use the occasion to show off their wealth by providing everything for their guests, and that seems far more vulgar to my eyes.

I'd much rather move in circles where people get together and offer food and gifts and practical help to the people they know at births and deaths and marriages and house moves and relationship break-ups and home/garden improvement projects. It feels good to work together with friends and family and neighbours to make someone life just a little bit better, and to know that when you need them, v those people will be there to help you, too.

Sometimes the world I read about on Mumsnet seems a sad and lonely place, and this is one of those times.

The gift giving is the main problem. Some think it’s materialistic, some that gifts should wait until after the birth, just in case mother and / or DC is unwell, or worse.

Sex reveals: sex of a couple’s DC is not interesting for most people and stereotyping with pink and blue etc before a DC is even born isn’t great.

Gift giving isn’t “honouring” or “supporting”: it’s just gift giving.

I think it’s a lovely thing to do! Why wouldn’t you celebrate your sister/friends baby’s pending arrival. I think it would be odd for a second/third baby but a first baby is a really big, life changing thing for a new mum and I always feel a bit emotional for what they are about to go through, the good and the bad. So having a party and marking the pregnancy is quite a nice thing to do before the new mum has her life flipped on its head. Would it really kill anyone to buy a few baby gros and eat some cake?

Never had one myself but went to a few. It was no big deal or grabby event. The mums I know are kind and appreciative people.

I didn't go to mine. My staff organised one as a surprise but I happened not to be there. It was very sweet but not me at all.
Saying that I organised one for a friend but she was a single mom on a low wage and we as friends knew she'd be struggling financially so it seemed a good way of helping her.
Each to their own I suppose.

They make me cringe. I've been to a couple and found them very uncomfortable, an afternoon of self congratulating by the pregnant woman and expectation of gifts, both times they opened gifts in front of the other women, we were expected to coo and be interested in bibs and birth plans.

God some people are just miserable beings.

Baby showers are lovely. A nice chance to bond and make a little fuss of a person you care about. Very traditional. Gifts bought to help a new family out, zero difference to wedding presents. I find it quite crass and disgusting to be annoyedthat it's bough before the baby arrives. As though people have wasted their money somehow if it doesn't make it. It is normal and responsible to purchase baby supplies before the baby arrives anyway so pretending it is about causing upset in event of a miscarriage rings false.

They are perceived as "American" so derided on MN. It's a chance for xenophobes to be xenophobic without anyone getting arsey about it here though.

Gender reveals aren't traditional anywhere and were invented to sell more pink and blue shit. Best avoided.

My friends were made to promise not to throw me one, but I really don't like being centre of attention. I'm hoping to arrange a meal out with my closest group of friends as it's hard to get us all together on one occasion as it is and that's only going to get harder when baby comes, but that's all it would be.

I also know too many people who have come home from hospital without their baby. It makes me uncomfortable to celebrate early.

Showers I have been to- I hope I manage not to show it, but I find the forced fun aspect with the games awfully cringy too (same with hen parties).

Come round and give me things! Let's all talk about me and my life choices for a few hours!
Me! Me! ME! MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!

Yes, this! I can about smile through a first one, but people are now having second, third and even fourth baby showers! Surely you have all the stuff you need by number four?! I don't mind the gathering of people it's the eye watering amount you are required to spend of activities and presents (and then another present when baby arrives)

I hate them. They are tacky, nutella on nappies, sashes with “mummy to be “.... mummy????? FFS that is toddler speak! Ive devlined 3 invitations as i cannot sit there pretending to enjoy myself next to said nutella/nappy.

Women my age are becoming grannies as their late teens/early 20s daughters are having kids and their showers are all over Facebook. Just stop!

Baby showers and gender reveals are pathetic, attention seeking and grabby. I despise them, they are completely unnecessary and make me cringe.

The games are awful- eat some melted chocolate out of a nappy? No thanks! Pay a stupid amount of money for a sub-standard tea just because there's a few tacky balloons? Nope!

The ones I've (unwillingly) been to were awkward, with the mum to be snatching gifts as 'guests' walked through the door and no thank you. The latest one I've declined was a £60 per head cost and she sent a gift list with the caveat that as they didn't know the sex neutral was fine for the shower but they'd like pink/blue gifts after the birth 😕

I don't understand this obsession with throwing money at tat at every opportunity. No one but the parents and maybe immediate family really give a shit.

have had two colleagues who had late term miscarriages. I am glad I declined any pre-natal celebrations.

Do you mean youre glad you didnt go to their celebrations because their baby died? Or you are glad you didn't have one because it's some sort of bad luck?

There's a special sort of irony in watching a British person complain that the colony they created with actual imperialism has exported something back.

And that terrible thing is giving gifts to a pregnant woman.

It's not terrible to give gifts to pregnant women.

Not that parties are thrown for them.

Neither of those have to,be showers.

Women can host their own gatherings during pregnancy too - just ot a shower as that is grabby (and doesn't happen in the States, as it is considered frightfully rude to do so)

Expecting large gifts is tacky - 'shower--type gift' is immediately recognised as meaning 'inexpensive and useful'

As is having a gift list - showers should be for closest wellwishers, and the host can check there will,be no unfortunate duplicates (not that it wouid matter that much for shower-type gifts - you can't really have too many muslins)

Showers aren't hated, really. It's the major etiquette gaffes that rile people.

And of course even if done impeccably, some people don't like them (as for anything, there won't be universal liking) and some people really don't want to tempt fate, sometimes for quite heartbreaking reasons.

Also, the gift-giving tradition here is more for gifts after the baby has arrived, and for each baby. Showers are a rite of passage marking transition to motherhood. It's also akin to that difference between a bridal shower and a hen night. Britain is very much about the hen party

I threw my sister a baby shower for each of her 3 children. It was just family, we gave gifts and played games and generally just had a nice time celebrating and enjoying all being together for a change. I was thrown two surprise baby showers in my pregnancy, one by work and one by my brother. I didn't expect them or 'self congratulate' myself or any of the other weird things people on here have said. I don't think there's anything wrong with celebrating such a wonderful thing.

You don't have to have tacky games btw. The nature of the party isn't inherent in the term 'shower'

Afternoon tea, no games, no themed food is fine -it's only the gift-giving that is the 'must'. The party bit can be anything you like

Just like your hen party could be cocktails, fine dining and exclusive cabaret; or it couid be shots and clubbing. Or your wedding reception could be the full traditional in posh hotel, bowl food in a yurt, or everyone over to the pub.

"I don't think there's anything wrong with celebrating such a wonderful thing"

Of course there isn't but 'celebrating a pregnancy' is not a synonym for 'being showered with gifts'

Other celebrations are available

I dislike British baby showers because they've been "imported" incorrectly from the U.S. I'm actually ok with American baby showers and have been to some lovely ones.

The main differences - in the states you would never through your own shower, that would be considered in bad taste. Usually your close friends or sister would organise and host it.

Secondly, you would never be asked to pay to attend a baby shower in the US. The hosts would provide food and beverages.

I do find the gifts in advance thing a bit weird, but in the States you usually don't give a gift after the baby is born, so it's never an attempt at a double gift grab like it can be here.

Sometimes the world I read about on Mumsnet seems a sad and lonely place, and this is one of those times.
This. You can play MN bingo with many of these threads, knowing what the verdict will be: baby showers, ice-breakers (the verdict on the recent one was almost unanimous, and contained all the usual adjectives such as "cringey", "tacky"), the Easter bunny, trick or treating... heaven forbid anyone should have fun! And just to complete the bingo card, Jesus wept, and Christ on a bike.

I agree, I think the importing of the tradition has made it a meaningless one here because some of the described parties aren’t what would be expected at any baby shower. Do you seriously think standing at the door grabbing gifts is standard baby shower behaviour? 🤣 then there are those berating baby showers when their idea of a baby shower isn’t anything like any one I’ve been to, with the caveat they would “never attend” so have obviously never been to one and are describing some kind of myth they’ve heard about third hand.

Also losing a baby is nothing to be ashamed of. A few of these posts are giving the impression that it is, and that a bereaved mother would be embarrassed at her own smugness in holding a shower before her baby died

I totally get the "not buying things before the event" bit.

It's like Christmas. You might buy your turkey and put up the tree in the weeks before the event. You kind of have to as it's not practical to go the shops on Christmas morning. Just like childbirth.

But you don't open all your presents on 5th December in anticipation of an event which is 3 weeks or more away.

Having a baby is definitely something to celebrate but AFTER the baby has arrived, not well before. And the whole idea of games with nappies is just so, so awful I don't know where to start with it.

Some parties are fun, some aren't - that's what happens.

Showers are not the only type of party (including during pregnancy), nitpr are they the only source of fun.

disliking grabbiily-executed showers is not a marker of being a killjoy.

The baby-themed party games are not an inherent part of a shower though (that's just the gifts that mark out shower from any other party during pregnancy). I dislike any party that has compulsory 'fun' games, whether they are showers or not.