To never drop off or pick DCs up from school

[brusselandromley]

Due to FT work a childminder will have to do it but AIBU to feel a big disconnect with this part of my child's life? I will only go for parents evenings and such like.

Incidentally one of my closest friends is a full time working mum who has a child in my daughters class. I’m a stay at home mum. There was a FB group for parents of the class and a few drinks evenings etc - I am NOT sociable but I went and that’s where we met. Then we met sometimes at weekends with the kids at the park or whatever and now dd and friend are in p4 and like I say we are very close. I’ve definitely kept her up to speed on a few school things which has helped sometimes.

Have you checked BTW that they aren’t half days for the first couple of weeks of school.

I’m sure you’ll get a PTA or similar email as described above. Then you’ll be included in all the stuff. From what I can gather school whatsapp groups can be a bit mental but at least you’ll know what’s going on

I'm a teacher, at a different school, so I'll never be able to drop off or collect my own children!

DH and I used to split the drop offs and pickups. He changed jobs and can’t participate anymore. He hates that when he goes to the school he doesn’t recognize the kids.

Plenty of kids get dropped off and picked up by sitters. So to your kids, they will just be part of the crowd.

Honestly, it really doesn’t matter so long as they are safe. It’s really weird when parents go to shows/deduce working hours for pick ups/get really involved with school and I’m not sure it sends the rights message to centre them in that way. Obviously it’s fine if that is the way you build a relationship with them/it works well but parents who fawn over their children and every little thing they do are setting them up for a rude shock later in life. I never attend school events unless they are interesting or my children specifically ask me to for emotional support and it’s convenient. I only do pick ups when it is most convenient. They’re both very well balanced and have happy independent lives at school/nursery. It may help though that the parents at the school are very down to earth and have their own jobs etc so they aren’t left out.

Parties will mostly be at weekends, as will the school fairs etc, so you will meet other parents.

If your DC's get involved in school clubs, they may not finish until 4.15pm some days - would you be able to get away in time to collect from these?

Most of our school plays had an early evening performance.

Similarly, I hardly did a normal drop off, but dropped at breakfast club for my DC's entire primary school career - was still at school, so I felt involved. Often the teachers were chattier at 7.30am as they had their morning coffee!

Joining the PTA is probably the last thing you need if you are spending all day I'm a school, but helping out with the school fairs for an hour is a very quick way of getting involved. Applying to be a governor is probably too much, but most of my fellow governors are working full-time, and know more about the school than 99% of the parents.

Although I did pickups, I could never make a morning assembly, never did shared reading etc. The head teacher told me that she heard my then 7 year old tell a friend it was because I was very important with an important job, and that made me special. That actually meant more to me than listening to a recorder concert.

And, the obviously most important part of their school experience is what they tell you, over tea or in the bath. It's their perception which is the key thing.

I don't do any as work full time. Has made a difference as in I have to make an effort to be sociable and join in on nights out when I don't know anyone and everyone else does. I should have done it more to be honest but I also don't have the inclination.
However it has enabled me to make friends enough to initiate wwwkend park dates or asking to pick up (i also do in return)

Honestly you're missing nothing! This was my life for 3 years and I loved it, hate the playground atmosphere. I've adjusted my hours and do drop off now. I became a governor to get to know the school better and can get to all the social engagements. Although I was dropping off at school club which I guess is different to childminder.

I feel your pain. I did this for several years. Now I've managed to reduce my hours. Perhaps in time you will be able to make contact with the school. I don't think you should feel at all bad about it!

My children are in their 20s now but I had a full-on full-time job. I had to leave the house at 7am and got back usually at about 7:30 pm (long commute) and until they were in secondary school was pretty much "oh that's Xs mum - she can never be bothered to come to events". But I went to as many of the weekend ones as possible, all the other parents ignored me. At the end of primary school I was glad to see the back of the cliquey gits.

In secondary I volunteered for the PTA and all the committees and other stuff (not in England so a bit different) and was as involved as I could be - had to get ruthless with my employers about that which wasn't easy.

My two turned out fine, school was fine, everything was fine. But I felt guilty all the freaking time

OP I totally get that you are feeling disappointed that you wont be able to do drop offs or collections but I think you are (understandably) wallowing a bit in the misery of it. There are schools full of full time parents who never get to do drop offs or collections. Parents who just cant get to the school for a variety of reasons, or even those who can do both but just don't want to talk to anyone so hide til the last minute. Honestly while its all very lovely to think it, parents aren't really a part of the school. Its very very different from preschool. The teacher hasn't the time generally to talk to parents at drop off/collection and most of the communication you will get will be by text or notes home. You wont be the only one who cant be there. There will be a parents evening where you can meet people and give your number too. There will be a party invite shoved the bookbag with the parents number on it. You get to meet other parents at parties or parents evenings honestly. The numbers I have in my phone are all from parents organising parties where they also ask if anyone has the number for X's mum etc.

Join your local facebook parent groups, the schools facebook page, the parents association page. You will get so much information. I really got to know the faces of other kids and their parents by bumping into them while out at the shops or the park, at parties everyone kind of blends into a see of names sometimes. All you need is to meet one parent and ask them to add you to the whattsapp/facebook group if they are on one. I wasn't around for my oldest starting school because I was in the labour ward and then dh did the drop offs for a while. I knew no one for ages until I got to know one face who took my number and added me to all the groups. Dh and I would sometimes alternate who went to what play/show or sometimes neither of us could go and we explained it to our child and then watched the video on the schools facebook page later. There are loads of parents in my kids classes that cant make the shows so the other parents always make sure to take videos and photos and make a fuss for the kids we know there is no one there for. I would also make sure both you and your dh ask for time off to make shows, one of you might be able to make it at least. And look if you cant, you cant.

Will your child be on half days to start with? Ours always were for 2 weeks and my nieces were the same. My SIL was able to take a couple of days to collect her at the start and got to know people and get numbers that way. Are the secondary schools starting the same time as the primary?

i'm a secondary school teacher and have worked full time since my youngest went into reception. I never get to do pick up or drop off (or once in a blue moon - we shut for snow once when they didn't etc). Started off using a childminder then moved to wrap around care at the school. My kids are find and I know loads of other parents in the year group. I meet up for drinks (usually posted on the facebook page) plus you meet parents at the very many parties during reception and year 1. You won't be alone as there will be other working parents, some full time, some part time and as long as you aren't stand offish, you will get to know some of the other parents.
As a teacher, you're biggest problem is getting time off to go to watch shows/sports day. In reception, they do invite parents in alot for settling in days etc and headteachers are usually flexible in letting staff have time off to attend as long as you don't take the piss.
I always go to the xmas shows but have many other events. I try and go to at least one event a year and i send other relatives to go watch sometimes so they generally have somebody there. I've worked in 3 schools since i've had kids and all have allowed some time off within reason.

I do all the drop offs and pick ups. I don't think it makes a difference in terms of, how involved I am. A lot of parents are there by the school gates and in the PTA, for the gossip and to make themselves feel/look important.
You can be a jolly good parent, even if you aren't present at the gates.

The children don't know the difference, as that's what they used too.

*used to😫

I don't think parents necessarily know their child's teacher and classroom etc that well after the first day. You go in for teacher parent evening 2x a year but that's it.

You might find your terms don't run on exactly the same dates (can be a headache of course) but you might get to do the odd pick up/drop off on those days.

You'll meet the other parents at parties - if you can cope with it stay and offer a hand for one or two. Occasional PTA weekend event (Christmas fair). And you are done.

Many children are the children of teachers so there must be many children in this scenario. There are 2 in DD’s reception class alone who are the children of teachers (both come with a childminder).

Am I the only parent who hated the school drop/pick up?!

I had a childminder for first two years as I worked at a school myself.

He's now at a private school and it's more bearable due to small numbers of parents etc.

I hated the mums with pushchairs who would be walking next to another mum talking about what their husbands did to piss them off etc whilst I'm trying to rush to get my son to school so I could get to work etc.

Maybe I'm just miserable. Also hated the small talk with other parents.

As a teacher, the biggest issue with it from our perspective is just that it can be really hard when we don’t see parents to bring up little things without them seeming somehow much much bigger than intended... e.g oh could you pop Simon’s reading book back to us (if you forgot) becomes a letter which feels like you’re getting told off, and vice versa! I’ve also found parents we don’t see sometimes get really worried about things at school and fire off emails. It’s totally natural because you can’t be as easily reassured by seeing your child skip up to their teacher in the morning, you only see the tired, stressed out little one at the end of a long day.

So my biggest piece of advice is to try to take information from your child’s teacher in a ‘pop the head round the classroom door tone’, and don’t panic and write emails at 11pm.

Just seen you are also a teacher

Hopefully you get what I was trying to say!

We do make an enormous, enormous fuss of the child who doesn’t have anyone at school plays etc. Also don’t be afraid to tell the teacher how you feel about it when they do home visits, my main job as a reception teacher at parents evening was to remind 99% of parents they are actually doing an incredible job and their children are lovely. Had a least half of all parents cry on me at one point or another. Totally normal

Ha @harriettkatie I absolutely detest pick up and drop off. I hate crowds, I hate the parking, I hate most of the bitchy horrible school Mum's and I couldn't care less if they invite me to their parties. My kid is really well liked and gets lots of party invites and I love dropping him at the fab before school place he goes to.

Did I mention how much I hate parking at school??? Hate.

I actually think ..as you have asked .that it is a shame and in an ideal world you would be able to do a pick up.

The government is now pushing openly for more flexibility in teaching jobs and actually I would if I were you really consider how your job could work with you leaving early one day a week. I presume they don't want to lose you?

I think it is tragic how lacking in flexibility teaching is but more people need to push for change.

Well, sometimes it’s not possible to drop off and pick up. I drop off dh picks up. I never get involved in the whole gossiping at the gates bullshit from school presents. We go parents evening, and are heavily involved with the school in other ways. Dh is s Governor 🤷🏼‍♀️
When I see the other parents, they always say ‘haven’t seen you in ages’ but in reality it’s a relief tbh. Though I work term time myself, I do get to go to the fares, and manage to go to the music recitals etc. If we’re not available my fil will replace us which he loves and they love.

I am a teacher so rarely do drop offs/collections. DH works full-time so it is always our fab CM. DH isn't a teacher so he generally does in school events and inset days, I am then around in the holidays so it works out. We have no local family. I
I know what you mean about missing a link with school. I ask to see teachers or phone them if I have a problem. I also go to pta meetings and volunteeer at events when I can. this helps remind them that the dc do have parents!

With friend groups , I did go to playgroup et c when they were young ( when on mat leave ) and then joined other groups( beaveretc) to keep up links. I made a group of friends so kept in that way. In the boys first few years we did the horrendous whole class parties and I did play dates in the holidays. It works and , although hsrd, it is much easier than finding child care to cover the holidays !!

I work part-time so do drop off and pick up twice a week. Like others, I dislike the insane parking and the small Talk. Never speak to the teacher morning or afternoon. Early on, I just asked the mother's of dds friends for phone numbers when we met at parties, and arranged play dates on Saturdays from there. Her best friend's mum works full time and I never see her at school. We still manage to arrange meet ups (For the girls)
I'd actually prefer not to do the drop off/pick up.... So I'm a bit biased in saying that I don't think you're missing much.

Brussel, I know lots of teachers who work part time or have some flex, it's usually more possible in secondary than primary due to scheduling of separate lessons etc. I will assume you can't ask for part time for financial reasons... what about your DH is he a teacher too? Seriously a lot of people think they "cant" ask for flexible working hours, or to wfh a day a week but the government has made it exceptionally hard for employers to refuse this totally.