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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that school mum friendships aren’t real friendships?

110 replies

ShinyShoe · 02/05/2019 05:42

Just that really. They’re not real, dependable friendships are they? I assumed when my kids started school I’d find my best friends...and I did, for a while..until our kids started getting older and not getting on and then the Mum friendship became awkward and not the same. So it seems to me that a school mum friendship is great unless the kids fall out and then poof, friendship gone. Plus if your husbands don’t gel/get on then it’s also dead in the water. It’s different with pre-kids friendships because even if you’ve got kids that don’t get on you’ve got pre-kid stuff that binds you together. I just wondered if anyone else has found this? I feel a bit depressed and disappointed that my school mum friendships are so flakey and reliant on the kids friendship. Maybe I just haven’t met the right people? Or I’m doing something wrong but I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable or is it just not worth even investing in school Mum friendships?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 02/05/2019 05:53

Sadly, that was my experience also - A bit humiliating as I was under the impression that a couple of them were actually my friends (not necessarily best friends in my case, but actual friends).

redexpat · 02/05/2019 05:55

Reason, season, lifetime. Youve not made any lifetime friends but sounds like you had some seasonal ones that were very much reason based. So I wouldnt be down about it unless you tjought they were lifetime friends.

I really wish MNers would learn the difference between friends and aquaintances.

MrsSchadenfreude · 02/05/2019 06:02

I got dumped by a school Mum friend, whom I had considered one of my closest friends - in that I was the first person her husband called when she was rushed to hospital, we used to go out a lot, without the kids, either just the two of us or with our DHs. I got unfriended on FB (and blocked!). I emailed her to ask why, and she said she had moved on, and the friendship no longer worked for her. This was several years after our kids had moved to different secondary schools, and a couple of weeks after we had enjoyed a great night out. I’ve no idea why or what was going on, but she did it to another mutual friend too. I still miss her, years later, but think her actions say more about her than me.

Thetreeonthehill · 02/05/2019 06:02

My closest friend is the DM of one of DDs school friends who she met aged 6. DD is in her 30s now. We have been through thick and thin together. Our DDs grew apart but we are like sisters.

TheBulb · 02/05/2019 06:07

School parents are just people I saw hello to at pick-up or parties, or occasionally have coffee or wine with around play dates.

I’m more interested in why our husbands need to get on for it to work as a friendship...?

malificent7 · 02/05/2019 06:08

Non mum friends can be like this too but if the kids don't get on it makes hanging out together very trying. Also some mums get take it very personally .
I think friendships are tougb and i have very few. As a loner this is fine with me but it is painful being dumped by a friend.

NerrSnerr · 02/05/2019 06:11

I have a group of friends from baby groups who I class as good friends. I don't understand why our husbands need to get on?

Original poster
ShinyShoe · 02/05/2019 06:13

You’re very lucky thetreeonthehill my mum also had that experience. She’s in her 70s and still best friends with one of my primary school friends mums. I think that’s why I assumed that would happen for me! I’ve always struggled with female friendships anyway (as my mum has) but always thought it would be ok as my mum would say “wait until your kids start school. You’ll make your best friends at the school gates” that just hasn’t happened. Well, it happened and then the kids stopped getting on so I was dumped like a hot potato despite us getting on like a house on fire and having loads in common. I just find it a lot different/harder to what I was expecting!

OP posts:
PollyPelargonium52 · 02/05/2019 06:14

I have never made a school mum friend and I don't feel I am missing out. I find my friends at shared interest groups and leave it there.

Just because we have children in the same school does not mean we have anything in common.

From 14 years of raising my boy I have learned parenting is highly competitive and is largely about oneupmanship and looking the part.

I prefer to have less competitive friendships elsewhere.

Just my view in my own personal experience. It may be totally different for other women.

Cherrysherbet · 02/05/2019 06:14

I keep school mums at arms length now. I’ve been stung too many times in the past. I’m always polite, and will offer help/agree to help when asked, but I don’t get involved socially.

I have been in the playground now for 16 yrs, as I have big age gaps between my kids. I’ve seen it all, believe me! I now chuckle to myself, as I see the same needy/ desperate behaviour over and over again. It’s quite pathetic.

My real friends matter to me. When my children leave school I will never have to endure fake school mums again... can’t wait!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/05/2019 06:15

My two best friends are school mums, have known them now for 20 years. See a lot of each other. Most of my friends are from the school gates. Funny how people gave different experiences.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/05/2019 06:17

Plus if your husbands don’t gel/get on then it’s also dead in the water
Well of course, if my husband doesn't approve of my friends, I simply cut them out. Plus I never socialise without him!! HmmHmmHmm

Seriously though, most friendships work whilst the stars align and not afterwards. Few friendships survive even when you have little in common any more.

All you can do is try and spend time together without the kids and if it doesn't last accept they were there for a reason, for a season, and not for a lifetine

Original poster
ShinyShoe · 02/05/2019 06:22

Re: the husband thing. I’ve found that if the school dads don’t gel then the school Mum friendship flounders. People (where I live!) tend to invite to social occasions based on if the blokes get on! That’s what I mean. It’s depressing! And unexpected. I had a (what I thought) was a good school mum friendship. Our kids played together at school all the time and we always had a laugh together but because our husbands didn’t gel, she distanced herself and became unavailable. She quickly moved on to new school mum friendships where her husband and the other woman’s husband hung out together like best buddies. I know it’s one of those things and it is what it is but it felt quite brutal and as if our personal friendship that had been built up over several years (we’d even been on holiday together and had a great time!) was dispensable. Hence the thread of these not really being true friendships

OP posts:
Pppppppp1234 · 02/05/2019 06:23

I’m not hugely fussed about making friends at the school gate to be honest. I think they are quite forced just because your kids are friends you have to be.
My DSS is 16 and from when he was at primary I’m really good friends with one of the parents still. She’s ace, but our friendship really built from nights out and not mutual play dates.
My DS is 4, at his nursery there is one parent that I actually like and in real life she is someone I would be friends with. But apart from that there isn’t anyone who I’d really be friends with.
I work full time, barely have enough time for my own family and friends let alone starting new ones!

JQBased · 02/05/2019 06:27

Same as work colleagues, time and place plus I find school mum's at least in my area to be very fake in general.

whiteroseredrose · 02/05/2019 06:27

It can happen with other friendships too. I had a v good friend for years. Same interests and then had DC at the same time. Live 200 miles away but still saw each other and spoke a lot.

Kids got older and didn't get on. Big fuss when we were going to visit or they were coming here so after 4 or 5 years it fizzled out.

School gate mums are still my friends nearly 20 years later because we were the friends. DC got on but wouldn't have been each other's first choice. We still meet for drinks or coffee. DH still meets up with the dads for rugby watching.

We meet friends in different places. Some last and some don't regardless of DC.

user1493413286 · 02/05/2019 06:28

I find a lot of friendships like that though; I’ve been really close with people I’ve worked with or lived round the corner from and imagined we’d be friends for life but then a bit distance happens and it’s not the same. There are some friendships that will always go the distance though

TheBulb · 02/05/2019 06:30

I find the husband thing weird. The person who is definitely the closest to a friend I have among DS’s classmates is the father of one of his friends who lives in the village and often stays around for a drink or dinner after a play date, whether or not DH (who likes him too) is here.

But I would find socialising in couples, where the women are supposed to gel and the men are supposed to, weird and limiting, like we’re supposed to trot about like Noah’s ark animals in male /female pairs.

Tigger83 · 02/05/2019 06:32

My mum is best friends with my best friends mum who I met at 3. She's also very good friends with a primary school friends mum who I feel out with/made up with then drifted apart from. So no I don't think it's always the case. My best friend and I went to different secondary schools to.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 02/05/2019 06:36

It's really difficult to keep a friendship going if you don't like your friend's child/children.

PurpleStorm · 02/05/2019 06:36

I don’t think it’s really a school mum thing.

I think it’s like making friends in any other context, like university, work, baby groups etc. Like that whole reason season lifetime thing.

Some friendships persist and continue after circumstances or interests change, and you’ve got less in common. Most don’t.

Turquoisetamborine · 02/05/2019 06:39

I met a set of really good friends at baby class when my youngest was born. I think if you gel as a group it seems to work. We’ve certainly never socialised with our husbands though. I do think we will be friends for life but who knows.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 02/05/2019 06:39

I now chuckle to myself, as I see the same needy/ desperate behaviour over and over again. It’s quite pathetic

Can't imagine why this pp finds it hard to make lasting friendships Hmm

It's like anything, making friends is hard, and if you're looking to find friends for the whole family, dads, kids and all, you might be setting your expectations a little high. it's a shame though, I would also love more friends as a family, like when we were little and would spend weekends in other people's gardens.... But then I also remember how many horrible kids I had to hang out with while our parents chatted and realise that we can sometimes sugar coat our memories. If you have some true friends just for you, that is already a great thing.

Ithinkmycatisevil · 02/05/2019 06:40

I have two very good friends that I met through the kids. The kids are older now and at different secondary schools, but we are still good friends. We don't see each other every day, like we did when the kids were little, we all work full time now, so that would be impossible, but always meet up in the holidays, and go out for dinner etc in the evening.

I think it depends on who you meet. I've had others who have drifted as times gone on, but these two have stayed and hopefully always will.

whereiwanttobe · 02/05/2019 06:44

I was out last night with school mum friends - our "children" are 30 this year. We've been there for each other through illness, bereavement, marriage problems and my divorce. None of them liked my ex but they all tried hard - although they were very, very pleased when they didn't have to pretend any more Smile. But that's just my experience of course, and I know I'm lucky to have them in my life.