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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that school mum friendships aren’t real friendships?

110 replies

ShinyShoe · 02/05/2019 05:42

Just that really. They’re not real, dependable friendships are they? I assumed when my kids started school I’d find my best friends...and I did, for a while..until our kids started getting older and not getting on and then the Mum friendship became awkward and not the same. So it seems to me that a school mum friendship is great unless the kids fall out and then poof, friendship gone. Plus if your husbands don’t gel/get on then it’s also dead in the water. It’s different with pre-kids friendships because even if you’ve got kids that don’t get on you’ve got pre-kid stuff that binds you together. I just wondered if anyone else has found this? I feel a bit depressed and disappointed that my school mum friendships are so flakey and reliant on the kids friendship. Maybe I just haven’t met the right people? Or I’m doing something wrong but I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable or is it just not worth even investing in school Mum friendships?

OP posts:

MsMarvellous · 02/05/2019 06:46

Surely it's just friendship of any sort though. You meet lots of people. Some stick and some don't.

I have a friend from pre school days who I consider family. Our kids aren't that interested in hanging out together anymore but we still make time for each other and she is one of the people I could call on in an emergency. And vice versa.

I have one other friend from the school gates who I reckon is the same. In fact our whole families just get on. I'll be sad when school moves on and I don't see her every day.

Everyone else I met at school so far seems a convenience sort of friend. If we're in the same place at the same time we talk, but don't particularly try to get together otherwise.

It's just how life works.

gamerwidow · 02/05/2019 06:46

People (where I live!) tend to invite to social occasions based on if the blokes get on!
I have honestly never experienced this. I rarely go out with DH because he likes to stay in and most of my friends (school mums or otherwise) leave their partners at home. Who does the childcare otherwise?
School mums are no more or less likely than any other group of people to become real friends. You won’t necessarily click just because you have kids the same age but you sometimes get lucky.
True friends are rare however you meet them, most people are just acquaintances really who are good for that point in your life but not forever. That’s fine imo though.

caughtinanet · 02/05/2019 06:47

You haven't made lasting friends with these specific people, you can't generalise form that to all school gate friendships, that doesn't follow at all.

I'm never clear where MN posters find friends as there are always threads about not being friends with co-workers or school gate parents, ime those are the places where most friendships are made.

Luckily for me as a single parent I don't have friends who take husbands into the equation when deciding if a friendship will work out.

HogMother · 02/05/2019 06:48

I make friends slowly, and people think I’m not interested because of it, so I’m usually on the sidelines anyway. I’ve noticed it more so at school though. The mums seems to either be friends or not, and it goes from zero to best mates in days. I can’t keep up, and much prefer to be on polite terms with them all. I suspect some of them don’t like that either. Ive noticed since some of the kids changed friends, the parents swap too. Not for me I’m afraid

NerrSnerr · 02/05/2019 06:49

People (where I live!) tend to invite to social occasions based on if the blokes get on!

We never ever do this because if I go out with my friends my husband looks after the children (and vice versa). We rarely get babysitters as they're so expensive!

Sagradafamiliar · 02/05/2019 06:50

I keep my distance. We had kids at the same point in life that's all. I can usually hear the mums slagging each other off as well, until one of them walks into the playground and it's all smiles again. There is always some sort of shit going on, the politics seem very delicate.
Re the children's friendships: mums will usually be loyal to their children so any trouble between them or perceived wrongdoing by your kid, then obviously your own friendship will cool.
No idea about the husband thing, I don't have one.

IAmNotAWitch · 02/05/2019 06:55

I have a large group of people (including school mums) who I am friendly with, i.e. would chat to them if we end up in the same place and the same time, so playdates, at work etc.

Then I have actual friends, who are drawn from multiple circles, including having met through the kids, through work, through hobbies etc.

I have never understood the amount of weight so many people give to the potential relationships they might build via the school gate. Sometimes, the only thing you have in common with the other person is that your kid and their kid are in the same place everyday.

loveonthewall · 02/05/2019 06:55

My friends are women I went to school with or met during my career. I have one friendship I made through son's school when our kids were little that has endured. I socialised with the groups of other mums during primary days but that was generally just out of duty, to help facilitate my son's time at school. I gradually backed away when the time was right for me.

metalkprettyoneday · 02/05/2019 06:55

I can imagine this will happen . Mine is still at primary but though I like the idea of us all spending time together when they’re older , I think that once they’re teens the friendships will fade.
Someone asked why husbands need to get on, and I think it helps. We have no family nearby and so the easiest kind of socialising is to invite people to the house even at Xmas and for Bbqs etc. It won’t be a good atmosphere if people don’t get on .

Handofglory · 02/05/2019 06:58

My school mum friends have dwindled as kids have got older but still get on with lots as acquaintances.
I count a couple of them along my best friends though even though our children have grown apart at school. I do think it helps that the partners get on well as it makes group social occasions easier to organise

StonedRoses · 02/05/2019 06:59

Everyone seems to make a big deal of school gate friends. But ultimately the only thing you have in common is that you all had sex within the same 12 month period.

metalkprettyoneday · 02/05/2019 06:59

It must be disappointing , especially when you moved to a new area post kids and your close friends are miles away.

NicoAndTheNiners · 02/05/2019 07:03

Depends I guess, whether you meet someone you really click with or not.

Dd is 18yo and I'm still friends with people I met 14 years ago. Not super close friends but friendly enough for nights out and the odd weekend away. We all still live close by. I think they're the sort of friends who I wouldn't keep seeing if I moved away. I certainly have closer friends. No disrespect to them because they're lovely but I guess it's true that you don't necessarily have anything in common apart from similar aged kids.

MsTSwift · 02/05/2019 07:06

Never understood why friends met later in life through kids are sneered at whilst friends met through school university or work are “acceptable”. What’s the difference? I have much more in common with my school mum friends then with my school friends who bar 2 I have pretty much drifted from entirely in last 5 years. Our kids older now most of our kids weren’t friends in the first place only a few are now. Great way of making local friends

NerrSnerr · 02/05/2019 07:13

Everyone seems to make a big deal of school gate friends. But ultimately the only thing you have in common is that you all had sex within the same 12 month period.

The only thing you have in common with school/ university friends is that your parents had sex within a timeframe. The only thing you have in common with work friends is that you work in the same place.

You don't need to be friends with every school mum, or work friends or anything but it's just somewhere to meet people you might click with.

KC225 · 02/05/2019 07:23

I think some friendships last the distance others don't, it doesn't make them any less real. I have one friend from school, couple from my teens, then people I have picked up along the way. When you meet people at work or on holiday (especially when backapcking) you think there is a real connection and then it peters out when you are out of that initial situation. If you leave a job and meet up with people - you still want the office gossip but unless there is something else to back it up it will fade out. Same with mum friends.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 02/05/2019 07:42

It's an artificial relationship, you get along for a purpose. It's like with baby groups, I have no interest in sitting around drinking coffee afterwards, making mindless chit chat with people just because they have babies the same age. It's hard enough keeping up with friends and family as it is, but I don't decline every offer as it would seem rude, so I go I have a chat and a hot drink occasionally, the women are nice but they're not my friends.

MsTSwift · 02/05/2019 07:50

Well my “artificial” friendships have been going on for 12 years now in many cases our kids no longer are friends or never were in the first place we’ve had countless evenings lunches weekends away with families or women men only. My parents in their 70s still spend slot of time with our school friends parents. Some absolute bollocks on this thread - speak for yourselves.

CrumpetyTea · 02/05/2019 07:52

Its the same as any other group of friends. You become friendly/get to know each other for a reason and if the reason goes away some of the friendships go away but other don't. Its like work- you make friends through work spend hours with them (including outside work) etc then you leave the job and lots of the friendships vanish as there is nothing to sustain them. You can't always tell the ones that will continue ( I still look back on some friendships and can't believe that the relationship was so shallow- others persist

Simonfromharlow · 02/05/2019 07:53

Some of my best friends were made at the school gate, I recently separated from my husband and they have been there just as much for me as my other good friends.

Vulpine · 02/05/2019 07:54

Stonedroses - surely you could say the same for your school friends too - that your parents had sex in the same 12 months - why does it matter how people are brought together - a friend is a friend

Hadjab · 02/05/2019 07:55

I’m good friends with school parents from all three of my kids primary schools, they are now 27, 18 and 12

caughtinanet · 02/05/2019 07:57

So stonedroses you wouldn't make friends at school because the only thing you'd have in common is that the parents had sex at the same time?

Or at work as they only thing in common is that you were all offered a job by the same employer?

Sounds like pretty limiting criteria to me.

ooooohbetty · 02/05/2019 07:57

School mum friends are no different from the friends you make at work. Sometimes when they or you leave the job the friendships last, sometimes they don't. It's the same though life.

Amfeelingfline · 02/05/2019 07:58

I have 2 school mums who are very good friends, our kids don't play together and not even in the same class allbeit the same year. They have been better friends when the shit got tough than some of my pre kids friends, and have been there for me with their support, etc... I met them at antenatal groups and honestly if it wouldn't have been for that I don't think our paths would have met the way they did. I'd like to think that in 20 years time we'll still be there for each other though I can see that those friendships can be quite ephemeral at the same time.

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