Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU to think that school mum friendships aren’t real friendships?

110 replies

ShinyShoe · 02/05/2019 05:42

Just that really. They’re not real, dependable friendships are they? I assumed when my kids started school I’d find my best friends...and I did, for a while..until our kids started getting older and not getting on and then the Mum friendship became awkward and not the same. So it seems to me that a school mum friendship is great unless the kids fall out and then poof, friendship gone. Plus if your husbands don’t gel/get on then it’s also dead in the water. It’s different with pre-kids friendships because even if you’ve got kids that don’t get on you’ve got pre-kid stuff that binds you together. I just wondered if anyone else has found this? I feel a bit depressed and disappointed that my school mum friendships are so flakey and reliant on the kids friendship. Maybe I just haven’t met the right people? Or I’m doing something wrong but I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable or is it just not worth even investing in school Mum friendships?

OP posts:

LumpyPillow · 02/05/2019 08:01

I’ve always struggled with female friendships anyway (as my mum has) but always thought it would be ok as my mum would say “wait until your kids start school. You’ll make your best friends at the school gates”

I think maybe you've taken this statement from your mum too much to heart, like its an absolute given. Hung on to it and now it hasn't happened you think no school mum origins friendship could be long lasting and genuine. But her statement isnt true for everyone. Its just down to chance or luck.

The best thing to do is not hang onto the statements of others regarding the way life is' going to go'. People can mean well, but what happened to them might not happen to you. The same circumstances can go differently for everyone.

Stepawayslowly · 02/05/2019 08:09

I think it's a lot like workmates in that you see each other all the time and often slow-burn friendships, unlike at school and uni which can be more intense.

Some you make friends with but drift away from each other as soon as your main thing in common isn't there anymore (ie you move jobs or schools)

Some you are friendly acquaintances with and get on fine but will never be friends

Some you don't really like but pretend to because you see them all the time and don't want things to get weird

And every now and again you meet someone that is 'your people' and you are friends for life. But that is the exception not the rule.

downcasteyes · 02/05/2019 08:12

Some people are just really instrumental in the way they treat others. I don't like it or think it's OK as a way of treating people, but I'm not the Grand Dispenser of All Social Rules.

I think a real friend is someone you could call on in the direst emergency and know, without question, they'd be there. I think there has to be quite a lot of connection beyond having kids the same age, in the same place for that to develop.

chipsnmayo · 02/05/2019 08:16

I am still have three very good friends from DD's primary school, and DD is 21. One is probably I consider my best friend now.

On the whole I do agree with you OP, I had a few other friends and I use to see them around when DD was at secondary (kids played the same sport, in the village etc) but haven't seen most of them in years.

IndianaJonesAndTheTempleOfDoom · 02/05/2019 08:19

But this was the same for me when I was in school (and left), work friends (then left)..

Friends I had, then I had kids and couldn't really find a way to visit them.

IT's just natural that most friendships don't really last. MOst people only have a few friends that last forever.

bumblingbovine49 · 02/05/2019 08:22

I have a good friend who I met when ds was in nursery. Her son and mine were friends through til year 7. Then they had some sort of falling out as neither of them has really talked about it. I still don't know what happened they are in year 9 now. My friend and I are still good friends. We haven't discussed it other than to say that we will be friend, even if our sons aren't. Neither of us got involved , other than say we were sad the friendship had not survived but in the end it was sons' business not ours

It was slightly awkward at first as if we had one of the boys with us when we visited each other, which happened a couple of times as my friend is a single parent but we got through that by me visiting her mostly as I could leave DS with DH. They they are older now so we can leave them at home (she is a single parent) when we meet.

We don't have big family get togethers to eat with all the children any more, which we did when they were younger but my friend and are are still very good friends

It is possible, though I appreciate it isn't always easy

IAmNOTBent · 02/05/2019 08:24

I've made the effort to socialise with mums who I like regardless of whether our kids are friends or not. Fostering friendships away from the children makes them less dependent on kids foibles. A lot of my friends are parents to boys who my DDs don't tend to play with but their mums are great so I organise adult meet ups when the kids are in bed. When I was unwell recently 6 out of the 10 friends who rallied round had kids who my DDs play with. The other 4 are ones who I see because we make the effort to. So some made 'I'll have the DCs' effort and some made the 'I'll drop stuff round to you' effort.

lola006 · 02/05/2019 08:26

2 of my best friends are school mums but 1 I met before my DC started there (her eldest is 2 years older) and the other I met through the PTA (no DC in the same year).

I relied heavily on my older DS’s mums as my social circle and I’ve been sad to see it fade as they’re in secondary now (not surprised though, I expected it). As a result I’m not too concerned with being best friends with the mums in DD’s year anymore. Small talk is fine but I’m equally happy to scroll on my mobile alone at the gates.

ArabellaPilkington · 02/05/2019 08:27

I never got beyond acquaintance with my DCs friends mums, but found some lovely other local mum friends - who either had different age:different sex: different child friendship group to my DC.

You're not necessarily going to gel with your DC friends mums. Friendships don't work like that!

My DC are both at secondary now and I'm good friends with 5 mums I met when they were smaller. None of the DC are especially close but rub along ok if we do family social events.

KindnessCrusader · 02/05/2019 08:29

I have friends from before, during, after kids...I think school mum friendships get a massively bad press on Mumsnet.

BogglesGoggles · 02/05/2019 08:31

Well I supppse it depends. But most friendships are friendships of convenience-think about how many of you closest friends from school uni etc you don’t talk to any more.

Adversecamber22 · 02/05/2019 08:40

I have been friends with two school Mums for 14 years now. I agree about friendships of convenience and can think of two women who I was long term friends with who had appalling love lives over the 10 and 20 years I knew them but as soon as their love lives were sorted which I was genuinely pleased about they didn’t need me anymore.j

werideatdawn · 02/05/2019 08:48

Absolutely not my experience. I've known my school mum friends from when my oldest started preschool and they have stayed firm and dependable friends. We talk every day on the school run and outside of school, we turn to each other when things are going a bit shit, we pick up/look after each others kids.

SoftBlocks · 02/05/2019 08:49

YANBU. They’re like work colleagues. You can have a nice enough time hanging out with them but it’s all over if your kids fall out. You might get a couple that stick but ‘friendly but businesslike’ seems to work best.

Staywithmemyblood · 02/05/2019 08:57

I like the 'reason, season, lifetime' explanation several PP's have mentioned. That certainly rings true.

I made an effort to be friendly with school mums when DD was at primary school. School gate cliques were evident but I made 2 good friends (actually met them when DC were at nursery. DC were never in the same class at primary school and socialise in totally different groups at high school). Still meet up with a few others occasionally for coffee now DC are at high school - not close, but nice to catch up with. There was one mum I thought was a friend, but she stopped speaking to me when our DD's fell out DH's around here tend to bond whilst playing golf (mine doesn't).

My closest friends are ones from my high school days.

PerfectPeony2 · 02/05/2019 08:58

This thread is making me nervous for when my DD eventually goes to school!

I have Mum friends through NCT, they’re lovely people and whilst we mostly have the babies in common- they have been a big support. Whether we will stay friends once everyone goes back to work etc. I’m not sure but I’d like to stay in touch, as I think it’s important for my DD to have children the same age to play with.

My best friends are from school- I’m not sure I could have another friendship that compares but I hope so. I think making new friends as an adult can be quite hard work! Depending on where you live.

Ragwort · 02/05/2019 09:03

I think Mumsnet is a little unusual in that so many people find it so hard to make friends, this has been a continual theme since I joined here (19 years go ). I do think friendships have to develop gradually, you are not going to make a ‘BFF’ over night. Some people’s expectations of what a friendship should be are totally unrealistic.
I have made friends in all sort of places, work, volunteering, hobbies, Church and yes, the school gate (and dare I say it, the PTA).
My DH and I don’t ‘share’ many friends and that totally fine, we don’t need to go everywhere together.
Today I am meeting a friend I met 30 years ago through work, we don’t see each other that often, but when we do we have a really nice time.

b0bb1n · 02/05/2019 09:08

I only have a newborn so no experience with school mums, but I feel the same about work friends.

Strugglingtodomybest · 02/05/2019 09:09

This is not my experience (so far!).

Tonight, 5 of us are going out for a meal, we met when DS1 was a baby, so 14 years ago now. Apart from the big occasions though, we never involve our husbands.

Tomorrow night, DH and me are going to a gig with friends, and their husbands, that I made when DS2 started school. With this group, it's probably 50/50 whether we include the husbands.

My mum is in her 70s and met her best friend on my first day at school.

I think the argument that school mum friends can't be real friends because the only thing you have in common is you all had sex in the same time frame is stupid. School mum friends are the same as any other friends which you make throughout life. Something (school, uni, work, baby, hobby) brings you together in the first place and then genuine friendship may or may not blossom from there.

itseasybeingcheesy · 02/05/2019 09:16

Crikey I have one DD about to start school in September and another starting the following school year.

I'm dreading all of this school mum and school friend stuff tbh. I seem to stagnate with acquaintances unless I majorly click with someone. So I have a few lifetime friends and then lots of surface level friends/acquaintances (which works for me).

I don't have the headspace for this really. Who has the time to make tonnes of new friends and work on developing new social lives at this stage of life??

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 02/05/2019 09:18

I think this is largely true. I'm long past the primary school stage but when mine were that age I worked FT and so never made all these 'mum' friends. Can't say I missed much.

toomuchtooold · 02/05/2019 09:19

I think of them as colleagues. Sometimes you find an absolute star and you become great friends, but most of the time you just want people to be reasonably friendly and remind you that tomorrow's the school trip and stuff like that.

Dontcomeinmygarden · 02/05/2019 09:25

I’ve found that often ‘mum’ friendships are based on nothing other than your kids being the same age. For example I kept getting invited to coffee with two mums and I went sometimes but we just had zero in common, they had different interests etc to me and I just found myself not wanting to meet up even though they were nice because I just couldn’t be myself.

I like to have true friendships where I can share problems with my friends and vice versa and we will be there for each other in emergencies etc. I have one friend who is amazing and we are always there for each other. We met at the school but we are friends because we clicked on a deeper level.

Often school mums are acquaintances that you chat with in the park etc, not true friends.

noodlenosefraggle · 02/05/2019 09:31

My longest lasting friendships have been the ones I made before we had children. We then went on to have children and were still friends. I have had school mum friends and baby group friends who are now friends on facebook when we moved away, but when we go back to where we used to live to visit family, I always arrange to meet the pre children friends. I think because we made friends in our own right and not just because we happened to have babies at the same time and they happened to be in the same class the friendship is more genuine. I do know some people who have made friends for life at the school gate or at baby groups. .

Rach182 · 02/05/2019 09:33

@SihtricsHorseWitnere this might be the reality for me when mine are at school (working full time). Did you find it hard to maintain your existing friendships and make new ones elsewhere? Do you feel your children missed out because you didn't have school gate mum friends?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5