AIBU to think that school mum friendships aren’t real friendships?

[ShinyShoe]

Just that really. They’re not real, dependable friendships are they? I assumed when my kids started school I’d find my best friends...and I did, for a while..until our kids started getting older and not getting on and then the Mum friendship became awkward and not the same. So it seems to me that a school mum friendship is great unless the kids fall out and then poof, friendship gone. Plus if your husbands don’t gel/get on then it’s also dead in the water. It’s different with pre-kids friendships because even if you’ve got kids that don’t get on you’ve got pre-kid stuff that binds you together. I just wondered if anyone else has found this? I feel a bit depressed and disappointed that my school mum friendships are so flakey and reliant on the kids friendship. Maybe I just haven’t met the right people? Or I’m doing something wrong but I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable or is it just not worth even investing in school Mum friendships?

No. I had close longtime friends from before I had kids and met others through sports and hobbies. My kids have plenty of friends they made themselves and from clubs once they got into secondary school. Really never saw the fuss about 'school mum' or school gate mates. I mean, men don't, either.

Not all friendships are the same, no.
Some are more pleasant acquaintances that are there for a certain part of your life when you have lots in common but don't necessarily develop into a deep level of friendship -I definitely have lots of this type of friendships. Mums from school, colleagues at work etc. I get on really well with them and enjoy their company but it's totally different from the deep friendships I have from childhood and university days. Those friends are more like family.
People who expect a full on relationship with all their friends can actually be quite emotionally draining and hard work. They over think and over analyse everything. It's ok to dip in and out of each other's lives sometimes, as long as you are their to offer support when needed.

When my kids were at primary I met lots of lovely people and we got along fine (chatting at school gates, meeting for play dates, dinners out every term). But once the kids moved to secondary I never saw them again. They were acquaintances to me and the thing we had in common was our kids being in the same class at school. So once that was gone that was the end of it. No big deal. I'm sure there are some people who make close friends that way - just depends if you meet someone you properly click with I suppose!

I always considered myself rubbish at making friends as a teen, but now I have them coming out of my ears.

Six school friends who live all over the country but I see 3-4 times a year.
Three university friends, ditto above.
Nine local 'girls' group friends (actually met some of them at university as my husband knew them from school, but I inveighled my way in).

That's before you even get to the blokes.

When I hear about making 'mum friends' at the school gates, I always think, 'gah, how would I fit them in!'. It would only ever be a superficial thing for me.

Having said that... my local friends now almost all have children, and it feels like they're slipping away from me, because it's another few years for DH and me! It's all day meet ups and baby chat now.

When I hear about making 'mum friends' at the school gates, I always think, 'gah, how would I fit them in!'. It would only ever be a superficial thing for me
But that's fine. 5 minutes before the gates open of a morning, 10 of an afternoon. The occasional walk home or bus into town together. A couple of partied a year. Having someone I can have a laugh and moan with is good but really all we need. It'll make play dates nicer if I like the Mum
Some of them I'd be friends with in any life, and some just by matter of proximity

I have a wonderful set of friends that were from 'school gate days'. Our kids are now all adults, most of us are dgps. Our friendships have evolved, we go away on trips, party, dinner out etc, we have supported each other through our dcs trials and tribulations, , illness, parents getting older and passing away, I value these women greatly. I do wonder if friendships like this are not made so easily now because most mothers have to drop kids and rush to work so simply dont get the time to make friends.

This is the same with all friendships though. I had work friendships which I thought would stand the test of time, they haven't. I've had mum friends that I thought wouldn't, most didn't, but one has.

Mum friendships are trickier in that you have another person to consider, your child.

It's just whether you have overlapping time/needs. If you work together or nearby, you can catch up for lunch, or a drink after work. So your family dynamics don't matter. If you are both school mums and have time during the day, you can catch up without children, but often it's easier to catch up with children, so it matters. If you have a full on schedule, and you don't have much overlapping time, then it becomes weekend/evening time, and whether your DPs get along then becomes relevant. If you want to have a bbq on a Saturday evening and invite a few people to it, then they all have to get along.

Mine starts school in September so this is interesting. I’m open minded about it. It’s nice to make a friend but not essential. I’m not into cliques and would rather be anti social than false. I shall be friendly but not invested in it all

Three children, I have one true friend from those days.

Many acquaintances, though, who have passed into the mists of time. But you certainly start to detach once you don’t stay to parties, and then when friendships reduce from the homogenous mass of a whole class into friendship groups of twos and threes, then the complete cutting off once they move up to secondary school

YANBU generally speaking. just because you have kids in the same class/year doesn't mean you have to be friends.
I am always friendly and try to get on with most parents for the kids, but rarely have a school mum friend.
I did meet my best friend at school but had we met somewhere else we'd have been friends too, our dc weren't in the same year at all.

I moved to a new town when I was heavily pregnant, so unless I wanted the lady on the checkout at Asda to be the only person I ever spoke to during the day, I had to make some friends. Baby groups were great - I made some good friends at the time and I'm still very close to two of them.

School mum friends - again, I made friends with a few when DD started Reception. Even though she's now in high school, I still consider a few of them to be good friends who I socialise with and know I could rely on them in an emergency.

I really don't get the 'you only have one thing in common with them' attitude. Surely in any walk of life, you just click with certain people and not others? The school gates/parties are just meeting places. It's fine if people just don't want to/don't have the time for new friends, but the dismissive 'they're just school mums' attitude is baffling to me.

School friends from when you were a child surely much more random group. At least with meeting people in adulthood your choices have led you to some degree to the same places, where you live, what you do etc. A few school friends i kept up with for a while if I met as adults realistically would no way consider them friend material (eg evangelical Christian when I am not etc)

thecatsthecats but you don't have any dcs yet, let alone ones at school. As you've already noticed, friendships change a lot once you and friends have children. When you have a new baby or children at school it can feel very helpful for many people to have local friends at the same stage. Your friends who live all over the country will not be at hand, your girls group might be doing different things... Don't dismiss the idea that people with lots of friends might still value school parent friendships.

People drift in and out of our lives all the time. Some stay for ever the majority don't. Just enjoy the friendship whilst it lasts but always try and have a couple of friends rather than just investing in 1.

Op I am sorry this has happened to you, it is so disappointing and upsetting when you have invested in a ‘keeper’ friend(s) only to discover they are more the fair weather kind.

I love the saying reason, season and life saying too.
Some people only ever sit in the reason/season category, others form deep connections. You can spot a reason/season friend usually when you are ill/bereaved/out of action they are nowhere to be seen. The life variety tend to have your back.
Of course it’s possible that they are there for you on the understanding you will do the same in return, which is not the same thing, but generally that is a good guide.

Allowing friendships to weave in and out gently is a life skill in my experience, and the key is to be more discerning about the energy you are prepared to put into your friends in the first place.

I suspect you have been doing far more for them op, and you have been a very good friend, and it hurts to find out you were only serving a purpose.

We all only have so much time, so it is much about convenience as anything else.

I have four dc aged between 14 and 4.
I have made lots of "mum friends" but only a few are my real friends now. One is from my 14 year olds primary class, the girls aren't friends anymore and are at different schools but the mum is a friend.

I'm very good friends with my 8 year olds best friends mum and our husbands get on, we often go out without the kids for dinner or drinks and me and the mum often go out.

No one really from the 5 year olds class yet I do have a group of three or four "mum friends" in that class but real friendships take a while if they ever happen.

My four year old will start in September I already know lots of mums form the nursery class and there are lots of nice women who I get on well with, there's been a couple of fun nights out.

There are a group of four of us that met at a playgroup who I'm good friends with between us we have 13 children and none of them are really friends except maybe two of four years old.
We are all good friends as we are all similar and like food and wine

I find I make real friends with people I like and get in with rather than mums of my kids friends.

The longevity and intensity of friendships has got nothing to do with where you met.

Be it school, university, work, holidays, sports clubs, hobbies, NCT classes, your street, your kids' schools etc etc.

It depends on how you gel and how life gets in the way (or not)

Mrstswift - your school friends were not such a random selection - the parents of your school friends all ended up in the same place through their life choices. But it also depends where you live. My kids school is very mixed and diverse.

When I was pregnant/new mother, midwives and HVs were always recommending baby groups. I couldn't see the point. Just because we all.managed to have sex and conceive at a similar time, doesn't mean we'll have anything in common.
Now mine are at school, I'm pleasant enough but definitely wouldn't consider the school gates a place to make a real friendship. It's one of convenience and habit.

My very closest friends are the ladies I met when dc2 started school. Our dhs have become close friends too. Our dcs are now at secondary school and no longer hang around together but do still get on well. We just got lucky I guess. I have two other dcs and have really only made one proper friend from both and that's probably because she's my neighbour.
As in any situation, have an open mind. You never know how things can turn out.

I have 2 school mum friends who I met through ds1 when he started school. They are now 13 and I would still class both of the mums as god friends - we see one another regularly, have been away for weekends together, do things with husbands and families, even though the boys are now at different secondary schools and don't see one another unless we all get together as families.
Then again, that's my definition of a friend. I'm a cancerian introvert and don't demand much of my friends and don't give too much of myself either.

I am sorry it is your experience. I've never made a close school mam friend, I tried to initially as the group got bigger, everyone was trying to get their word in.
Now I say hello and smile, I chat with DDs best friends DM, she is nice to me but talks about her best friends business to me, I've no doubt she rips my back too.
I am lucky I have sisters close by, we're good pals.

So true.

But then again I'm starting to think the whole concept of friendship has been well and truly fucked by modern life:

Instamum competitiveness
Helicopter parenting
Anonymous parenting forums for our innrermost confessions dreams and secrets instead of rl.
Geographical mobility
Housing shortage
Fractured employment situations
Screens, screens, screens.

I think for ‘mum’ friendships to become lasting friendships you need to develop it past the just getting together with the kids stage. Eg, go out for a drink in the evening, have them over for dinner, go to a class together. I’ve met loads of people through the DC over the years and while quite a few are just nice people with kids the same age who I chat to/share lifts with, a few have become people I genuinely hang out with even without the kids there.

As someone said upthread, it’s similar to work colleagues- some are just people you chat to at work, others actually become friends.

I have some amazing friends I've met at the school gate. One who has become my best friend over the years. I don't need to have much in common with my friends, I like that they are all an eclectic mix and I learn a lot from each of them. My maid of honour was also my childhood friend, and we were friends through our moms.

I think people have high expectations of friendships. It's might take a while to find people you feel you fit in with, and then it takes time for those friendships to bloom. I've also been surprised by a couple friends who I thought were far too different from me and they have become enormous assets in my life because they are so different from me. But these things take time. You don't have friends who will support you and be there in an emergency until you've put in the time and effort to get to know each other and support each other.