Really upset with daughter

[bojo7]

Probably IABU but I am really seething over this. Background: I am very busy right now and daughter (late twenties) does not help with housework etc. despite not currently working. (I work full-time.)

I was reading a book last week and mentioned to her that it was really good and she could read it when I finished it. I had about 20 pages to go and was really looking forward to finishing it with a glass of wine after a long day. It was nowhere to be found and I realised she had probably taken it with her when she went away for a few days. She came back today and I was correct, but she has lost the book. I am so cross and told her she must buy me another. This is apparently silly and petty as she can easily tell me how it ends...

AIBU?

I think I will insist on another book.

Oh well, that’ll show her.

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Thanks Alexa, you gave me a good laugh!

OP so to be clear

you don't give her any money at all
she has no use of internet at home
does she have a TV in her room - if so, remove, because it's your house and she's not giving you any money for the TV licence

If the money is all coming from her father, I think he should take the consequences and have her live with him.

I'm sorry to ask but is there any possibility she's dealing?

I'm angry on your behalf, OP

Definitely give her a firm deadline and as for "feeling unwell'...I feel crap most mornings but guess what, I still get up, take children to school, go to work, etc. It's called life!

I am sure she is not dealing. She does not have a lot of money. She does not really tell me what she is up to, but I really think it is fairly cheap and cheerful. She will take a sleeping bag when she goes away for a few days.

Taking way the WIFI would be the perfect excuse for not jobhunting.

I have discussed with her Dad that we are enabling her, but he does have an unusual world view.

The book thing would give me the rage. As you can finish this book on kindle, tell her to buy you another book - give her a list of a few you fancy - as compensation.

As for the living situation:
It’s making me determined to take a firmer approach with my DD 15 who is a bit like this now, but that’s age appropriate.

I agree you have to ask your DH to take her- she can sleep on his sofa. Either that or he stops funding her. Or he gives her pocket money based on what she’s done round the house for you.

I think Rosa’s Q about us she dealing is worth thinking about tbh. You certainly need to know where she’s getting her money from.

Plenty of free WiFi available, she can go out and find a library or somewhere to "job hunt".
You need to start making life more uncomfortable for her or she will never get her arse in gear.

i have been through stuff like this many years ago,with a teenage daughter, but not one of late twenties ! but anyhow, its all trials and tribulations with all this crap stuff. I Hope things can be sorted with you both, but with my daughter, she drove me mad at times, she got into all sorts of mess and problems,.and always, there was a Mum at home,to sort things out,, silly me ha ha,

It's so difficult, isn't it...

I had a similar situation a few years ago and I'm afraid I lost my shit altogether and told her to leave. She went and stayed with my mum 150 miles away for a while, then applied to university, also down South, where she is now.

We have a good relationship generally speaking, although I don't see much of her, we talk a few times a week on the phone. Slowly but surely she's understanding being an adult, and although I will always feel guilty for kicking her out, I know it was the right thing to do. Unfortunately there is resentment there from her, but a few more years and I hope she'll see where I was coming from.

You need to stop enabling her, and to give her notice and timelines of you expect X by Y, which are long enough to get her to save cash to move out or whatever.

DH did this with the two DSD's. One of them stayed with us for a bit and I suspect they thought post uni he would be an ongoing cashpoint for them. He told them he would help 100% with rent for 6 months after graduating and then tailing off to 25% and then 0% by a year, and the same with phone contracts etc on the expectation they'd have found work and housing to support themselves

Before each major change in contributions to them, he gave them fair warning (~2 months) each time there was a change coming up, enabling them (or not) to manage finances appropriately. He also offered to help with CVs etc in the run up in case it helped.

One DSD managed fine, the other was all "you don't know how hard my life is" and it was chaos with emotional blackmail about how she couldn't find anywhere nice to live (pressing the buttons for DH as he was worried about area etc) that she could afford etc. He stood firm and she eventually got her shit together - however, the years of being indulged and helped out all the time, made it incredibly difficult for her to break away and stand on her own two feet at mid - late 20's. The concern here is if that they don't do it on their own, they lurch from overgrown kids in your house, to an unsuitable co-dependent relationship with someone else, who can plug that gap

Sorry, can't help with your daughter, but I just have to say: 20 pages! and then, to lose the book! I'd be ropeable. Actually, beyond ropeable. I think I would have to get a cattle prod and use it on her if she so much as glanced at any of my belongings ever again.

I'm only half joking.

Sorry for scaring you, bojo! My brother's story is pretty scary but I would add that there are some mental health issues with him too, most likely anxiety / depression that he has never sought help for, so with a neurotypical DD you may not have such a difficult time giving her a firm boot up the backside. My parents were always worried about my brother's mental health and scared to trigger any suicidal impulse in him. Personally I think he could have coped fine with the right medication / help but it was easier for him to hide away with my parents and emotionally blackmail them than deal with his problems.

@RosaWaiting - he lives like a hermit so his expenditure would be close to zero but he has been claiming benefits all these years so that probably covers his basic expenses. My parents cover bills, most food etc. On my father's modest pension... sigh...

I am in a similar situation with my 37 year old stepson. In my case there is NO way we would boot him out as he has depression and I believe he isn't capable of holding down a job.

The trouble is, if you give any ultimatum, you MUST mean it. But without any practical sanctions you can AND WILL enforce, there is no reason why she would do as you ask, unless she chooses to. If you would knuckle under if she calls your bluff, don't threaten it in the first place.

Let's say you tell her she must leave in 3 months, or even a year. The day comes and - ooh, guess what? She still has no job and no new home to move to. Are you actually prepared to change the locks while she's out, or have the police escort her off the premises if she refuses to go? Would you really refuse to give in if she burst into noisy sobs and said she had nowhere to go and would do housework from now on? I suspect few parents would be that harsh - and I'm certain you're not one of them!

So if you're going to demand that she helps around the house from now on, how will you enforce that? If you're going to charge her rent and add the amount to what she owes you, how will you make her give you that money if she says she can't pay? How will you force her to sign on for jobseekers if she isn't willing?

The Wi-fi sanction idea is good - she can certainly go to the library and search for jobs, or even the job centre. You could also remove all your furniture bit by bit from her room - it's yours, you don't have to let her use it!

The bucket of water - well, that's assault, surely?

The whole situation is pitiful -you have to ask if you are being "unreasonable" when you have a perfectly healthy,entitled,lazy,adult child steal from you,sponging off you,lying through her teeth to you about looking for a job?!!!! Call your GP and get a therapy referral and see if they offer a group discount

I think your feelings of guilt about the divorce are undermining you. Like you, OP, I know the theory, just not very good at putting it into practice, but you daughter needs to move out for her own good.

She needs to clean the house and cook a dinner - every day between job searching. She should also replace your book.

Youngest DS is not doing any chores right now. I just want him to study and have a little down time. It was an older DS who was home in the summer who complained of the unfairness re. chores

Did DD get to do no chores either when she had exams?

Why did she drop out of university?

Are you sure there are no MH issues? She is leading quite a chaotic life - nocturnal, off with friends occasionally, sleeping in a sleeping bag, depending on the odd small handout, a history of failure already behind her, avoidance and unhealthy ways of dealing with challenges and stress, and from what I see here there is hostility toward you.

For your part, you are something of an enabler.
I don't think you are going to follow through with an ultimatum and I don't think you are ever going to kick her out. Your values are not on that page.
I don't say that unkindly.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with what life throws at them.

It would be nice if there are any underlying MH problems on her part if they could be spotted, or if any unresolved issues between DD and you could be laid to rest - maybe issues around the divorce. You might get to the bottom of her attitude to you.

So I really recommend family therapy.

www.ift.org.uk/

www.aft.org.uk/view/index.html?tzcheck=1

^^ Some family therapy resources for you.

She cannot move out as she has no money. I know you are all right but actually throwing her out - can't do it. I have threatened it, but just can't. I just keep hoping she will get a job and she definitely could if she tried.
So she's got no incentive to change because you (and to a degree your ExH) enable her.

Your DD knows you'll never follow through and she can be as uncooperative and lazy and non-contributive as she likes, ignore all the helpful information regarding jobs you give because you won't follow through and throw her out.

She no respect for herself or you and sees no reason, even in her late twenties, why she should be building her own life away from you both professionally and personally.

Well I know she was affected by the divorce and I do feel guilt about this.

Other kids, who are at Uni, think I should make her move out or get a job.
Your older children at university went through the divorce period also though?

Why don't you listen to them?

Has she ever had a partner op?

It is odd. Most people this age want to live independently, have a job, their own money, she doesn't appear to, or doesn't appear to want it enough to do something about it.

Many kids, mine included, have had it easy. Let's be honest. But normally they have a work ethic.

It's also a bit unusual that none of your children work? At 24/26 most have completed their degrees and are gainfully employed. They are both older than usual to still be doing degrees. And your now faced with them coming back to live also. And as they are completing their degrees now, it seems they have nothing lined up in terms of employment either?

I am not making excuses for the behaviour at all OP, it is appalling. But are you 100 percent sure there isnt some MH issue or depression there? I can't imagine a normal adult pushing 30 to want to live in their bedroom like a bloody teenager like that

She'd want a relationship at least. Sex. Her own space. Possibly children of her own. None of this is normal behaviour.

Also she isn't stupid she knows she is costing you money. It might be worth creating a list that shows exactly how much though.

I feel your pain, OP.

I had a DB who was heading that way; he worked but moved out of home into a house share in his mid thirties, only to go back to our parents after 6 months because the others were messy etc (mum did all his washing and ironing, and meal prep for him). He paid £10 a week...

Anyway, he eventually left when our parents 'lent' him the deposit for a small house, which he subsequently had to sell due to stupid financial management, but, to their credit, they wouldn't allow him home unless the alternative was homelessness, so he rented.

As for me, I told our boys, aged 17 and 19 that it was my expectation that, after uni, they wouldn't be moving home again unless they had an very good reason, tho, in reality, I expect to be helping them financially to get on their feet in today's uncertain times; however, each has a £50k inheritance in the bank! But I made it clear, given that DH is almost 60, we won't be living here, doing this for ever, that we might retire to Australia etc, but wouldn't be factoring them in those plans as dependent.

Would she let you help her find a job ? What reason did she give for leaving the last one ?

I'd sit her down and tell her she's needs to claim. Benefits to cover the council tax shortfall to start with (after telling Ex not to give her the money fir it). She's old enough to know money doesn't just magically appear.

She doesn't have to open the door to you. It's your house. That is your room. Stop giving her the respect she doesn't deserve. Walk in there open the blinds tell her to stop being so pathetic and get out.

YANBU, not an overreaction. She’s too old not to be working so that needs sorting, she also needs to pull her finger out at home while she’s out of work.

Also my DC are 6, 7 and 9. They never go into my bedroom without asking first and they certainly never take my things. She is two decades older and knows better.