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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to reply to a former friend who sent an upsetting birthday card to my son

135 replies

Mikki77 · 01/05/2019 12:45

So had a friend who's become more selfish and bitter with age. I'm 49 she's 54. I'm married with children, she's single and living the life. She's always out on the town and hosting dinner parties - which I'm never invited to. Any sign of a problem in her life and she's straight over. We feed her and build her up and support her as much as we can, and have been happy to do so. In the last year I lost to very close friends and we haven't seen her for dust. Then she hurt her knee when skiing and hinted that she wanted to move in and wanted us to look after her. Considering we hadn't seen her for months I thought it was a bit of a cheek. In the end we met up and thrashed out our grievances. I invited her over for dinner, she said she would be in touch. Shes didnt bother. At christmas shr sent a card to all the family saying how we didn't have any 'good will!' I tried to talk to her, left message she didn't respond. Last week was my son's birthday she sent him a card basically saying 'it saddens me that i can't see you, its your mum's problem.' He's 10 and was very upset.
AIBU - to want to respond in a letter to say enough leave my family? My husband just wants me to ignore it.....

OP posts:
recrudescence · 02/05/2019 18:04

Well, there’s no way back from that so at least you don’t have to feel the least bit contradicted about permanently severing ties. I agree with others - ignore for now but be prepared to play hardball if she tries anything else. And if you have any mutual friends get the truth out there soonest.

Sleepsoon7 · 02/05/2019 18:05

Ignore ignore ignore. She wants a response and anything you put in writing will no doubt be used somehow to show how awful you are in her view. Just ignore her and block all channels of communication. Have a frank discussion with your son - he will probably appreciate being spoken to by you as an adult (in my experience kids can be very resilient when told calmly why someone is behaving in a vile way and being reassured it’s nothing to do with anything they may have done).

user1471590586 · 02/05/2019 18:23

I'd just ignore her as others have suggested. I would keep hold of the cards and any messages from her though in case things escalate and she causes trouble.

neveradullmoment99 · 02/05/2019 18:24

Ignore her.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 02/05/2019 18:25

I’d send her a glitter bomb via those anonymous online companies! Or the animal poop ones!! 😂

Bennyandthejetsssss · 02/05/2019 18:53

I’ve had to do this recently. So, my advice would be to ignore. She’ll be in touch for something.

When she starts stamping her foot (she will), you go right at her on why she’s a piss taking nightmare and tell her to fuck off.

I promise, you won’t miss her. Anyone using your kid in that way is an instant red card. No explanation required.

If you never hear from her - brilliant. You lost nothing. She lost a very good friend.

Kaddm · 02/05/2019 18:56

Ignore
Cut her out, don’t communicate again
Learn what her handwriting looks like so you can intercept the next shitty card she sends

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2019 19:05

I'd have to tell her what I thought.

Then I'd block her.

MrsBadcrumble123 · 02/05/2019 19:11

Ignore her, block her - intercept any mail with her handwriting - she is nutso Confused

happyhillock · 02/05/2019 19:16

Ignore her she's waiting on a response, I'm not surprised she's on her own, she's a horrible person.

Jux · 02/05/2019 19:22

She's not worth the energy required to respond to her. She's already taken more than her share so yes, ignore her, it's what she's worth.

Happyandglorious · 02/05/2019 19:27

Agree with all the advice to ignore. But wanted to add, make sure she can't get to your kids via social media bc it seems like she's ramping it up and you def don't want her taking it out on any of them again.

AgentCooper · 02/05/2019 19:58

Ignore ignore ignore. Attention is what she wants so don’t give it to her. What a nasty thing to do, I hope your wee boy had a lovely birthday regardless.

There’s a lot of this kind of manipulative, juvenile shite going on in DH’s family and though I need to restrain myself like mad I just don’t respond to it because I don’t want my DS to see me stoop to their level.

Beautga · 02/05/2019 20:00

A friend is someone who is there for you someone you can have a laugh with someone who will listen.A friend is special she is not
Ignore her you will be better off

TSSDNCOP · 02/05/2019 20:01

Photocopy the card.

Then tear the original into pieces and return it with a note saying "the second you involved a 10 year old in your bitter fest was the second you lost s friend. Do not contact me or anyone in my household again"

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 02/05/2019 20:11

Using your DS to get at you? That's really low and despicable and shows she's hasn't got the balls to say it to your face.
I'd call that the last straw and tell her she can do one then block.

MissConductUS · 02/05/2019 20:12

Then she hurt her knee when skiing and hinted that she wanted to move in and wanted us to look after her.

You have an Olympic Class CF on your hands. Free convalescence care, with meals and "bring me a blanket while I take over your house".

Shakes head

bakebeans · 02/05/2019 20:18

She sounds like she’s been using you as a crutch. Ignore her. It sounds like she’s done to trigger a response from you. You are better off without her

EffYouSeeKaye · 02/05/2019 20:28

She sounds like a teenager. Ignore.

Sb74 · 02/05/2019 20:34

I agree. Ignoring her will have the most impact.

MdNdD · 02/05/2019 20:37

She sounds like a narcissist and the only thing you can do is to ignore her. Unfortunately, as sounds like you care about her. But she won’t change.

Sparklybanana · 02/05/2019 20:41

Write a reply, get all your anger out and tell her how you feel. Leave the letter on the desk overnight and then burn it the next morning when you’re calm. Ranting will help but not as much as not sending it.

EverythingComesBackToYou · 02/05/2019 20:58

"Dear ex-friend. I'm concerned about your mental health. Targeting a 10 yr old child with passive aggression via their birthday card isn't what sane mentally-balanced people do. And it's not the first time you've done this. For the wellbeing of my family we can no longer be friends. Please seek professional help."

Then immediately block her on everything. Don't give her the opportunity to reply.

xsquared · 02/05/2019 21:01

Sending a card like that to your ds to get at you was a vindictive, cheap shot and shows how despicable and desperate for attention, she is.

She's clearly after a reaction, so don't give her that satisfaction.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/05/2019 21:04

If you pursue this and try to keep things going with her then you are absolutely as bad as she is.

Have the sense to walk away from this person.