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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to reply to a former friend who sent an upsetting birthday card to my son

135 replies

Mikki77 · 01/05/2019 12:45

So had a friend who's become more selfish and bitter with age. I'm 49 she's 54. I'm married with children, she's single and living the life. She's always out on the town and hosting dinner parties - which I'm never invited to. Any sign of a problem in her life and she's straight over. We feed her and build her up and support her as much as we can, and have been happy to do so. In the last year I lost to very close friends and we haven't seen her for dust. Then she hurt her knee when skiing and hinted that she wanted to move in and wanted us to look after her. Considering we hadn't seen her for months I thought it was a bit of a cheek. In the end we met up and thrashed out our grievances. I invited her over for dinner, she said she would be in touch. Shes didnt bother. At christmas shr sent a card to all the family saying how we didn't have any 'good will!' I tried to talk to her, left message she didn't respond. Last week was my son's birthday she sent him a card basically saying 'it saddens me that i can't see you, its your mum's problem.' He's 10 and was very upset.
AIBU - to want to respond in a letter to say enough leave my family? My husband just wants me to ignore it.....

OP posts:
Monkeyssplit · 01/05/2019 16:27

I wouldn't open any future correspondence from someone who sent me a Christmas card saying in didn't have any goodwill. Send Christmas greetings or don't. Sending christmas ill will is unacceptable.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/05/2019 16:49

What a horrible way to behave towards your family. I wouldn't allow her anywhere near them again. It sounds a bit stalkerish to get at you through your children.
She's peeved that you've stopped being her useful go to comforter.
I vote ignore, on this occasion so as not to give her the reaction she wants, and that might be enough, but do not be surprised if she tries again in which case you may need to send the recorded mail cut off.

ginghamtablecloths · 01/05/2019 16:53

She sounds more trouble than she's worth and you don't need her as a friend. If you receive any more cards from her I'd suggest you intercept them and throw away. Upsetting your child is beyond the pale.

chocolateaddiction · 01/05/2019 17:03

Ignore her! Silence speaks volumes!!!!!!!!!!! Omg I'm shocked. Vile woman.

MirandaGoshawk · 01/05/2019 17:03

It will be hard not to respond, but as others have said, you will only fan the flames. You sound like a nice person and it will be hard to cut her off as a friend, but it's what you should do. I too would send any future cards back unopened.

I had to cut a toxic 'friend' out of my life last year. So many of her family had gone NC and eventually I understood why. I know that she asks about me and some days I am tempted to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I run through in my head how horrible she has been and what you lot would say and haven't - don't need her shit in my life! Good luck OP.

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2019 17:07

Your husband is right. Ignore it. She's just trying to goad you and using your child's birthday to do it,

When someone is capable of that, it's best to steer well clear.

millimollipolli · 01/05/2019 17:10

I knew someone like this, thrives on drama and wants a reaction - so don't give it her. Completely ignoring her will be the best response.

Nodnol · 01/05/2019 17:15

I would send a letter telling her not to contact you or your family again. Keep any correspondence in case she tries again. Then later if you need to, you have proof for the police/solicitor etc.

Ohyesiam · 01/05/2019 17:19

She wants to trigger you. Ignore or she’ll Justine more drama.
Vet her cards, or return them.

If she’s prepared to upset children for sport she needs to be disengaged from.

SunshineCake · 01/05/2019 17:30

I'd send a message saying this relationship / friendship is over. Sending a card like that to my son is unjustifiable and you've gone too far. Good bye.

I had a fall out with a friend. I stood up for myself and she didn't like it. She fake messaged me but when she ignored my child that was it for me.

Boysey45 · 01/05/2019 17:31

Like all the others say you have to ignore her. She just wants a letter so it will create more drama for her.
If you must write a letter then either rip it up or lock it away for good. It helps to get your feelings onto paper like another person said.

babysharkah · 01/05/2019 17:35

Oh good lord, just ignore. Some people seek drama, some don't need it. I know where I fall.

purplecorkheart · 01/05/2019 17:57

Just ignore her. Block her on all devices in the household. Try to go through the post before the kids. By reacting you are giving her the attention she seeks. Ignoring her is the worst thing for her and the best for you and your family.

AlwaysCheddar · 01/05/2019 18:22

Ignore and block

Cobblersandhogwash · 01/05/2019 18:35

Ignore and never ever speak to her or help her ever again.

She was bang out of order before she sent this card.

justarandomtricycle · 01/05/2019 19:08

People like this are to be ghosted as soon as identified. The only way things go with them is a downward spiral.

I would ghost and make it permanent, also explain to your son that he must avoid her. Writing to someone else's kids, who you are no relation to, to act out your drama is strongly suggestive of her being a dangerous wack job of some description, perhaps borderline. You do NOT want your child thinking they have to be polite to someone like this the next time the drama targets them.

Don't even send them a message to piss off, exclude them from your family's world like Thanos clicking his fingers.

lablablab · 01/05/2019 19:40

I'd have to say something! That's awful!

I like @CuriousaboutSamphire's response:

I'd send her a short note tellng her that dragging a 10 year old into an adult disgreement, using his brthday as an excuse to get to him, is a vile act. An act that has brought your friendship to an absolute end, that she is to stop contacting you and your family with immediate effect.

Then block her on everything. She sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Sofagirl · 01/05/2019 20:28

Sounds like an invasive parasite

Best to cut off at the root in these circumstances before they choke off any more innocent victims

Everydaypeople · 01/05/2019 20:32

It comes as no surprise that she has no one if this is how she acts.
Ignore. Even if she texts/ calls, just keep ignoring

Broody1976 · 02/05/2019 17:49

She sounds like a nut job. Ignore her.

Katherine2626 · 02/05/2019 17:52

This is not a friend. This is a demanding leech. How dare she send such a card to a child - I wouldn't waste another single second on her, she is using you and now trying to put guilt in your mind. You do not need this, believe me, I have been in this situation and it won't get better by being forgiving and helpful . A person like her sees kindness as weakness, and plays on it. Chin up - and turn your back for ever!

GabriellaMontez · 02/05/2019 17:52

Block and ignore. Intercept any further mail. Return to sender.

Leeds2 · 02/05/2019 17:55

Another one saying block and ignore. She knows exactly what she is doing, and wants a reaction.

Reallyevilmuffin · 02/05/2019 18:01

Wow. Dragging the 10 year old into the drama. Sounds like an utter user anyway.

IndianaJonesAndTheTempleOfDoom · 02/05/2019 18:01

I'd want to tell her to fuck off but your dh is right.

What you could do if you still have the letter is close it up and write "return to sender" on it so she thinks you haven't even seen it.