Last November, I posted asking if IWBU to cut my mum out of my life, despite the fact that she might die soon, due to her alcoholism. Not one person who replied said IWBU, which made me feel less harsh.
The thread is here: AIBU
Long story short, I had an abusive childhood mainly at the hands of her second husband, which caused a breakdown and 10 years of depression for me, the whole time my mum saying I was exaggerating and attention-seeking, then in 2003 she started drinking after a relationship breakdown and became alcoholic, losing her job and home in the process. Her alcoholism made our relationship even worse, the booze made her really nasty.
Anyway, I was still no contact with my mum last week, when she was found dead in her bed. Her liver had finally packed up.
It's been a rollercoaster of a week. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I have no family locally, so I am trying to muddle through this on my own to a certain degree. My younger brother has travelled down twice to help with bits and bobs, but he's self-employed and not able to just drop everything as he won't get paid. My older brother was no contact with mum too, so I have only seen him once and he travelled for me, rather than for mum, if that makes sense.
I have an amazing supportive partner, friends and work, which is brilliant. But I am feeling so mixed-up, scared and angry right now.
I am angry that I never had a 'coventional' mother-daughter relationship and that I never will have, I feel that I wasn't loved as she put her ex-husband and the alcohol before me and I actually feel cheated as I imagined I would get time to make some kind of peace with her on her death bed.
On top of all this, I now have to find £3k for her funeral. She took out a policy a couple of years ago, when we had a huge row about her drinking and I said she was fucking selfish drinking herself to death, especially leaving me and my younger brother with no means to pay for a funeral.
So I found the plan, submitted the claim last week and although they haven't reached a decision, I know they won't pay out, as I found a summary of her application and she lied on every single bastard question, including how many units she drank per week.
The stress has made me ill, my blood pressure is through the roof, my heart rate really high and my heart is skipping beats. I can't eat, can't sleep, feel constantly on edge and have been having hysterical breakdowns. I know it's all grief, but I feel like I am going mad.
I have been practical and gone to my GP, he's given me tablets. I also have a counselling session booked tomorrow, as I know I need help.
The one thing they can't help with is I just feel sick with worry about the funeral costs. £3k is the basic funeral. My mum has no property, no savings, all the gold jewellery I bought her over the years is missing, and despite her being on benefits, the DWP have said I'm not entitled to any social fund grant, as my brother and I don't claim any benefits ourselves.
My family don't have a pot to piss in either. So like when she was alive and we were talking, it's all left to me to clear up her shit after her and doing all the running around.
It's like she is making me sick with worry and did it on purpose, just to fuck me up a little bit more from beyond the grave, I feel so angry towards her.
Self-pity isn't usually my M.O, but at the moment I can't see any way out of the situation.