To feel as slighted and hated following my mother's death, as I did by her in life.

[GetMeOffThisCycleOfMisery]

Last November, I posted asking if IWBU to cut my mum out of my life, despite the fact that she might die soon, due to her alcoholism. Not one person who replied said IWBU, which made me feel less harsh.

The thread is here: AIBU

Long story short, I had an abusive childhood mainly at the hands of her second husband, which caused a breakdown and 10 years of depression for me, the whole time my mum saying I was exaggerating and attention-seeking, then in 2003 she started drinking after a relationship breakdown and became alcoholic, losing her job and home in the process. Her alcoholism made our relationship even worse, the booze made her really nasty.

Anyway, I was still no contact with my mum last week, when she was found dead in her bed. Her liver had finally packed up.

It's been a rollercoaster of a week. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I have no family locally, so I am trying to muddle through this on my own to a certain degree. My younger brother has travelled down twice to help with bits and bobs, but he's self-employed and not able to just drop everything as he won't get paid. My older brother was no contact with mum too, so I have only seen him once and he travelled for me, rather than for mum, if that makes sense.

I have an amazing supportive partner, friends and work, which is brilliant. But I am feeling so mixed-up, scared and angry right now.

I am angry that I never had a 'coventional' mother-daughter relationship and that I never will have, I feel that I wasn't loved as she put her ex-husband and the alcohol before me and I actually feel cheated as I imagined I would get time to make some kind of peace with her on her death bed.

On top of all this, I now have to find £3k for her funeral. She took out a policy a couple of years ago, when we had a huge row about her drinking and I said she was fucking selfish drinking herself to death, especially leaving me and my younger brother with no means to pay for a funeral.

So I found the plan, submitted the claim last week and although they haven't reached a decision, I know they won't pay out, as I found a summary of her application and she lied on every single bastard question, including how many units she drank per week.

The stress has made me ill, my blood pressure is through the roof, my heart rate really high and my heart is skipping beats. I can't eat, can't sleep, feel constantly on edge and have been having hysterical breakdowns. I know it's all grief, but I feel like I am going mad.

I have been practical and gone to my GP, he's given me tablets. I also have a counselling session booked tomorrow, as I know I need help.

The one thing they can't help with is I just feel sick with worry about the funeral costs. £3k is the basic funeral. My mum has no property, no savings, all the gold jewellery I bought her over the years is missing, and despite her being on benefits, the DWP have said I'm not entitled to any social fund grant, as my brother and I don't claim any benefits ourselves.

My family don't have a pot to piss in either. So like when she was alive and we were talking, it's all left to me to clear up her shit after her and doing all the running around.

It's like she is making me sick with worry and did it on purpose, just to fuck me up a little bit more from beyond the grave, I feel so angry towards her.

Self-pity isn't usually my M.O, but at the moment I can't see any way out of the situation.

When my friend's husband died at a very young age they knew a lot of people would like to pay their respects but couldn't cope with all those people on the funeral day. They had a direct (closed) cremation. Then they held a memorial service a month later. It gave them time to organise something they felt was fitting rather than the rush that normally happens with a funeral. It also meant they could arrange it for a time to suit as many friends as possible - people could get time off rather than be told the funeral is next Wednesday (for example).

My uncle had a church service for his funeral but he continued his journey to the crematorium alone. His wishes, he had written it all down.

And David Bowie had a direct cremation. Again his own wishes. He didn't want the press etc to turn up on a hard day for his family I suppose.

You could arrange a direct cremation then have a memorial service as closure. You don't even need an official to do the memorial - just plan some time and what you want to achieve. Do you want to give people the chance to speak themselves for example or just have some readings? Do you want a religious aspect? Or you could get a humanist celebrant to officiate for you.

Don't close off the idea of a direct (closed) cremation. It is cheaper and it gives you the chance to take stock and do something that works for you and your brothers. It also splits the cost a little as you can organise the memorial at a future date rather than having to pay for everything in one go.

I hope you find something that helps you.

I really feel for you love.

Grief is such a complex things with the seven stages of denial and so forth. This seems to be compounded by the fact you had a really complex relationship with your mum.

It sounds like this relationship really tested you and pushed your limits and took so much from you.

You deserved a Mama that would love, protect and shield you but you didn’t get that. Instead you were denied the mother relationship we so need as women.

It sounds to me like perhaps your mum took more than she gave as a mother. You are now feeling daughter obligations that are testing you financially, practically and emotionally which must surely be a reminder of your relationship when she was alive and triggering things.

Be gentle on yourself op, it is cool to feel what you want to feel. There are so many cultural expectations about how we should grieve and be as daughters but few would fully understand that this wasn’t a normal mum daughter relationship.

I think cremation should be a consideration as perhaps spreading her ashes might avoid the further obligation of always visiting the cemetery. Perhaps a nicer way of gaining closure on things for you too and remembering her.

Much care, positivity and strength to you at this testing time.

Ps; post the name of the funeral provider you end up choosing as I will make donation.

Personally I would do the cremation people are suggesting and have drinks at your house for anyone who directly asks about funeral. If family ask then just partly tell the truth and say you had spoken to your mother about funerals before she died and she said she wanted you all to get together for a drink, she knew you couldn't afford a funeral and didn't want to burden you with a big debt.

But if you do end up paying then like you said it is what you want, and even if your mother had been totally stupid about the insurance she had at least listened to you and been paying into a policy.

If your family expect a funeral, they can pay for the funeral.

I was shocked at the costs of cremating my dad. We had quite a basic service, and he left money to pay for it, but it was still more than £4k. Crazy.

I echo the person who posted above who said that this feels as abusive as the relationship that you had with her when she was alive. Her family may be dissapointed with a closed ceremony, but it you can't afford it, then you can't afford it and they are going to have to live with that.

You're also allowed to be angry with her. She sounds as though she was a terrible mum. Terrible mums often insist that their daughters be perfect in every way, before they are allowed to ask for their own needs to be met. It's one of the ways they make sure that they always come first.

You don't have to be perfect. You're allowed to be angry and confused and hurt and to put yourself first in this situation.

Good luck

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It is an awful lot to deal with all at once.

Her family who want a funeral - it really is okay to tell them that if they want it they have to pay the lions share towards it. If you don't have the money and she's got nothing much to sell, then that's just the way it is.

Tell your brothers that, in the nicest possible way they have to be involved in sorting this all out. Organising, paying for, clearing house, and doing what needs to be done. There's no reason why all this should fall on your head, particularly as you were NC and treated so vilely by her.

If it were me, I'd go direct to crem and hire a celebrant or vicar or whoever to talk at the wake, and make the wake the funeral too. People who want to, can bring flowers and a donation towards costs. Likewise those who want to can go to simple ashes scattering.

OP you don't have to accept the funeral costs, fyi. The local council are responsible, not you.

I strongly recommend you clear what you need or want from her belongings and then tell the council you accept no liability. She will get a 'paupers funeral' which is a simple cremation, no guests, and will be paid for by the council.

A wicker coffin may be cheaper than wood, and more environmentally friendly

If you have a basic cremation service this will keep your costs down. you could then ask the local church if you could organise a service to remember her life and then you could ask those relatives that want to be part of it to do readings or say what they want to say. the two can be completely separate and if anyone in the family asks why you have done it this way then be completely honest - there was no money to do it any other way. I just think if you do the whole thing and it costs £4K that you and your brother wont actually have closure because you will just be feeling so bitter and have to pay the costs off which will also be a reminder of the person that she was.

@Fiveredbricks I know you mean well, but OP has said several times that she also feels a funeral would give her a bit of closure

I'm sorry OP, sorry you didn't have the mum you so obviously deserved, and am sorry about the situation you are now in.

I think there are maybe a couple of things you can do .

I would suggest you don't give up on the policy completely I have a friend who's father died of alcohol related issues, mostly sepsis as he refused to return to hospital for follow up after kidney op as the doctor called him on the drinking, and equally the policy answers may not have been entirely accurate, but my friends mum hired a solicitor on a no foal no fee basis, and the insurance company had not asked for medical etc. her solicitor challenged the questions were ambiguous, what is a hospital stay etc., its also hard to show that it was a lie when completing the policy, maybe when he said 7 drinks a week it was true but time passes, his policy was over 9 years old, in end they settled and she got over half ( she got 3/4 but solicitor got almost a 1/4), as he was seen to have contributed false information that affected the premiums doesn't mean he wouldn't have got a policy from them anyway, and ultimately this is all you need just some of it back to knock of costs. I know not all policies are the same but depending on amount they have to pay out it may mean if you are seen to dispute it, it may be easier to offer you something.

talk to undertakers again say that 250 a month is a bit hard at moment, but obviously if policy pays out they get paid sooner.

If publishing death notice put a comment on it to effect no flowers but if you wish contributions to burial/ cremations cost greatly appreciated. I have seen this twice and while it may seem odd this is not all down to you, your siblings cannot leave it all to you, your mothers other family too need to step up, this might give them a nudge.

There is an AMA with a crem technician, and I think a funeral director/worker in MN Classics, OP - you may find those threads and perhaps PMing the posters helpful. Xx

Thank you everyone. Your responses have helped me clarify a few things. I do need to directly ASK my family to collectively chip in, seeing as nobody has offered.

@Humpy84 your post made me cry. You're very astute. Thanks for your kind offer too. I feel weird accepting it. I'm really touched. x

I have told my daughter i don't want aput me in it for all i care funeral a waste of money what they do with me after i die i don't give a shit dig a hole in the garden and put me in it for all i care

I know after my mum (also a vicious alcoholic) died, the hospital contacted me and I explained that I just didn't have the funds or any access to them to pay for a funeral. Literally no where near enough.
The bereavement team then took over and helped us arrange a cremation, we met with the vicar to choose songs and readings and talk over how the service would go.
She was cremated in a basic pine coffin but other than that it was as normal as they can get.
I think we had to pay £1100 and this was only 8 months ago.

The only thing we didn't get a say in was the time and the place.

Call the hospital bereavement team and ask.

Be kind to yourself.

See if

How about her family that expect a funeral to contribute then ....
otherwise you have to agree with your brothers what they are prepared to pay and cut your cloth to that - it is bonkers to get yourself into debt for this...
I think you are mixing up your guilt and anger over her and your life and relationship.... please take some time to get a gap and some counselling before making rash decisions that will affect you and your family for ages...
My MIL is an alcholic, refuses help when needed, had been sober after hospitalisation but is drinking again ...DH is not NC but is LC and has taken over a year of anti depressnets/counselling/Mindfulness training to get himself into a place he can not want to 'sort' the relationship......its not going to go well as she is elderly but we have had the conversation about the inevitable funeral etc and will do the direct crem plus local wake with ashes as she has been v involved with her communnity...
I was NC with my dad due to his alcholism and did not get involved at all .....or attend either funeral or wake....
it is hard but please think of your future ....and as a release from your past

Things like cardboard coffin, or no service, I just can't do it, I would feel so ashamed

My dad had a cardboard coffin. No one would ever have known as it was hidden by a proper wooden removable one.

My family will want and expect a service, plus I need it too

If that's what your family expect tell them they need to contribute. Otherwise they don't have a day. Do not think you will get closure just because of a service etc. What you need is to process the emotions surrounding your past and the abuse. My heart goes out to you.

A wicker coffin may be cheaper than wood, and more environmentally friendly

Wicker coffins are super expensive - one of the most expensive options there is. I'm arranging a funeral right now, so I've been looking at the options.

If you can't afford a funeral, don't get into debt. If you want or need one, then of course it has to be paid for.

My parent's wishes are for no funeral, nothing at all. Wider family will probably expect something, so I'll have to deal with them when the day comes, but it'll certainly make things cheaper.

If you need closure, I'd say sending her ashes up in a firework may be quite therapeutic.

This is about YOU and not your Mother or anyone else in the family. You owe her and them fuck all, frankly.

Much love to you

Please don't get yourself into debt for a mother who was so awful to you. Stuff what the family expects, let them pay for what they expect, if they must, otherwise I agree that having the cheapest cremation possible followed by a memorial service which the family attends would be the best in your circumstances, wouldn't it? But don't get on to a payment plan that puts you in straitened financial circumstances for someone like that. Please.

Do a big standard £1000 cremation without funeral, if this is an option and you haven’t signed up with an undertaker or have the option of changing plans

Dear OP. There's a word which is often used on Reddit under these circumstances: 'congratudolences'. Condolences on your sad loss. Congratulations on being able to move forward without this negative influence in your life. I'm sorry your mother has died; I'm sorry you never in the first place had the mother you so much needed and deserved; I'm sorry she's left you with such a mess to clear up, and I'm sorry she was so clueless and destructive.

Anger is natural, even in more ordinary circumstances. It's important to acknowledge how you feel, to roll with that, and to say to hell with conventional obligations that dictate how it is and isn't 'proper' to grieve.

It's perfectly acceptable to have a memorial service in celebration of her life and a private cremation. Most cremations are private in any case unless a direct request is made to the crematorium to be present at the event, but this is how they are usually advertised. Cardboard or wicker coffins are also an increasingly popular choice these days. Wish I'd known this at the time as my grandfather would certainly have approved: he was something of an eco warrior. Bear in mind, too, that people choose these options for all manner of different reasons quite aside from cost. Those reasons are personal to them and there are no circumstances under which they should need to be justified, either to yourself or anyone else.

I'm very sorry OP. What an awful set of circumstances you are having to deal with

Check how the cardboard coffin will look first. It may be as Soupdragon describes. Do you need the ashes? I’d let the family know they can pay to take them otherwise let the crematorium scatter them.

I’m sorry for how you are feeling. Now maybe you can finally mourn the pain of not having the relationship with your mother that you wanted and needed.