To feel as slighted and hated following my mother's death, as I did by her in life.

[GetMeOffThisCycleOfMisery]

Last November, I posted asking if IWBU to cut my mum out of my life, despite the fact that she might die soon, due to her alcoholism. Not one person who replied said IWBU, which made me feel less harsh.

The thread is here: AIBU

Long story short, I had an abusive childhood mainly at the hands of her second husband, which caused a breakdown and 10 years of depression for me, the whole time my mum saying I was exaggerating and attention-seeking, then in 2003 she started drinking after a relationship breakdown and became alcoholic, losing her job and home in the process. Her alcoholism made our relationship even worse, the booze made her really nasty.

Anyway, I was still no contact with my mum last week, when she was found dead in her bed. Her liver had finally packed up.

It's been a rollercoaster of a week. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I have no family locally, so I am trying to muddle through this on my own to a certain degree. My younger brother has travelled down twice to help with bits and bobs, but he's self-employed and not able to just drop everything as he won't get paid. My older brother was no contact with mum too, so I have only seen him once and he travelled for me, rather than for mum, if that makes sense.

I have an amazing supportive partner, friends and work, which is brilliant. But I am feeling so mixed-up, scared and angry right now.

I am angry that I never had a 'coventional' mother-daughter relationship and that I never will have, I feel that I wasn't loved as she put her ex-husband and the alcohol before me and I actually feel cheated as I imagined I would get time to make some kind of peace with her on her death bed.

On top of all this, I now have to find £3k for her funeral. She took out a policy a couple of years ago, when we had a huge row about her drinking and I said she was fucking selfish drinking herself to death, especially leaving me and my younger brother with no means to pay for a funeral.

So I found the plan, submitted the claim last week and although they haven't reached a decision, I know they won't pay out, as I found a summary of her application and she lied on every single bastard question, including how many units she drank per week.

The stress has made me ill, my blood pressure is through the roof, my heart rate really high and my heart is skipping beats. I can't eat, can't sleep, feel constantly on edge and have been having hysterical breakdowns. I know it's all grief, but I feel like I am going mad.

I have been practical and gone to my GP, he's given me tablets. I also have a counselling session booked tomorrow, as I know I need help.

The one thing they can't help with is I just feel sick with worry about the funeral costs. £3k is the basic funeral. My mum has no property, no savings, all the gold jewellery I bought her over the years is missing, and despite her being on benefits, the DWP have said I'm not entitled to any social fund grant, as my brother and I don't claim any benefits ourselves.

My family don't have a pot to piss in either. So like when she was alive and we were talking, it's all left to me to clear up her shit after her and doing all the running around.

It's like she is making me sick with worry and did it on purpose, just to fuck me up a little bit more from beyond the grave, I feel so angry towards her.

Self-pity isn't usually my M.O, but at the moment I can't see any way out of the situation.

When my mother died we held a very small family funeral and burial in her local church. Just my father, siblings and her grandchildren. She was buried in a wicker coffin with no pomp - no cars, no floral tributes. We walked to the church and put flowers from the garden on the coffin. That was the ceremony for us, the people who really mattered, and your equivalent could be the closed cremation. Several weeks later we had a memorial service, to which all her friends and the wider family were invited and had a wake in the village hall. Something similar, perhaps with a scattering of the ashes could be your closure and the event your mother’s family expect.

Wishing you love and strength whatever you decide to do.

Cardboard coffins are much more ecologically sound than wooden ones, so you don't need to feel shame in using one. If your family even bother asking tell them it's the most sensible and environmentally friendly option unless they want to pay for a wicker one.

You could have a service with an urn rather than a coffin. You could pick up something for not much money from an antique/second hand shop. I think my mum and my brother's ashes each came in a container about 9"x9"x9" and then those container were put in wicker lidded boxes. They were nice enough already, imo. They live in my conservatory as we haven't the money to pay for them to be scattered where we'd like to do it (10 years and counting!).

If you can just get the Council or whoever to deal with the body and cremation, then it shouldn't be too expensive to just book the crematorium, or even a church+priest, for the ceremony and have the ashes on view, then back to yours for the wake.

I've just looked at our local crem's fees and they'll give you the place for a memorial service for half the Full Crem fee, which works out at about £500. You can do that, once you get the ashes.LOT less than the thousands you're currently looking at.

Please don't get into debt over this.

I know it’s unpalatable, but please ring round the local undertakers.

I helped organise a funeral recently and I was gobsmacked because the company the deceased had chosen was 2k cheaper than the last (no frills) family funeral we had.

I genuinely had no idea prices varied so much between funeral directors.

You might look into a direct cremation and then consider a home funeral. This is where you would have a service simply at your home, and you could invite whomever you would like.

You may find this much less expensive.

Please do not get into debt for this, I had a similar situation with my MIL. We had a ‘pauper’s funeral’ - there was a service, hymns, vicar, congregation etc. The only limitations were that we couldn’t choose the time, limited to 1 car for the coffin and they chose the coffin. It was lovely to be honest.

Oh and it wasn’t a cardboard coffin it was in fact the biggest coffin I’ve ever seen in my life. The thing was huge!

The plan was life insurance, not a funeral plan

Ah, I see - in that case I agree they'll probably try to avoid paying if she lied; also any future part-settlement is likely to take ages, which isn't much use to you now

Your idea of asking other siblings to chip in is probably wise, but come to think of it, why aren't you sharing it already? And did you consider the idea of telling the funeral directors that you want a direct cremation - even though you don't - and seeing what they suggest to keep your business?

Can the family all put in £200 or whatever? Another option is get the council to do a public health (closed) funeral but speak to a local church about a service of thanksgiving (no coffin in church) we charge £346 for this and it's flexible to suit the family.

you talk about your mother's family

who are the people closest to her? Could you say to them you need them to pay or help pay?

Agree, don't be ashamed of the cardboard coffin. There is something quite weird about watching a posh one - containing my dad - going off into the conveyor belt....

it's going to be weird no matter what.

Hope this isn't too controversial, but please don't worry if you feel relieved.

Ps we've had direct cremations many times from the church, I believe it's as low as £1000

Have you asked if you can pay for the funeral in instalments? If you haven't already settled on who to arrange it with it might be worth phoning around to see if that's an option. It would buy you time.

My lovely mum had a wicker coffin for cremation. It looked nice and was simple.

You could try setting up a go fund me page and asking all family to contribute?

@PotatoesDieInHotCars yes, they can do it at £250 a month until the balance is cleared. Which is still a lot of money. But it's something I guess.

Do whatever you need to do.

www.funeralzone.co.uk/help-resources/arranging-a-funeral/what-is-a-paupers-funeral-public-health-funerals-explained

Could this be useful?

Cardboard coffins look nice now. They can be bought direct and there is a wide choice of designs. Forget the additional costs of formally burying the ashes. Find somewhere that was special to her and scatter them into the wind. If you want some marker, you could plant something to fit the surroundings like a tree, rose or shrub. If the family expect a do then they can help pay for it. A cremation could be done with members of the family speaking instead of a celebrant or minister. Cremation is cheaper at certain times of day and days of the week. Flowers can be bought from supermarket and tied with a large bow after being removed from the wrapping to be laid on the coffin. Been planning something similar for my Dad as none of us can or want to pay for a funeral for someone so unpleasant.

Another vote for direct crem...

You can still do a service/celebration. ..just without a coffin being there....

We did it for my mum. ..it was a really lovely tribute. No one complained that they didn't see her coffin disappear behind a curtain.

www.low-cost-funeral.co.uk/direct-cremation/Direct-Cremation/?ppc=1&criteria_id=1006919&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIpPnEo_H64QIVx4bVCh0PKAVGEAAYASAAEgIcffD_BwE

Or you can do it in a pub/village hall /at your home/outside if the weather is good

Neither of my parents had a service at the crematorium. Nobody went to the cremation bar the funeral directors. While we did have a church service before for both, we later had an interment service for both of them (6 months apart) and people came to that. It's not unusual to have a cremation and a service elsewhere, either with the coffin, with the ashes, or neither present. As the crem was 30 miles away, very few people from the village ever went unless the service was held there as well. Normal was a service, then the hearse went off to the crem while the wake was held so there's nothing unusual about not being there at the crem.

It really wasn't much of a closure for me. Apparently I was acting as 'hostess with the mostest'. Ten years later I'm still trying to sort out shit which has contributed to mental ill health.

Hugs and strength for you. Really, don't get yourself into debt for the sake of appearances or some sort of guilt.

Hello everyone

We've had a number of reports from people concerned about this thread so, as we usually do in these circs, we're putting our heads round the door with some important reminders.

Right now we can't see any evidence to indicate that the OP isn't above board – if we did, we'd remove the thread straight away. But the truth is that, sadly, we at MNHQ can't know with 100% certainty that any poster is genuine, no matter who they are or how long they have been here. As frustrating as it is, we're not able to vouch for anyone here.

So we always ask everyone to remember that not everyone on the internet is who they say they are – and remind folk not to give more to another poster, either financially (in cash or gifts) or emotionally (in time or care and support) than they'd be prepared to lose if things went wrong.

Sorry to hijack your thread briefly there, OP.

Perhaps consider going to an Al-Anon meeting, you will meet so many people who have been affected by someone else's drinking. I realise that the urgency, currently is to arrange her funeral but please consider Al-Anon, you will be assured of a warm welcome and great understanding.

@LilyMumsnet Not sure what the concerns would be? Sad that some think it's not legit, but I understand. I'm more than happy to send you my full name privately and who the funeral director I've tentatively booked is, along with my mum's name and any details if you wanted to check up. Just let me know.

I'm not asking for money or services off snyone. Just advice, which has been in its abundance. One kind PP has offered to make a donation at the funeral home directly and I politely declined.

Thank you for checking it all out on behalf of anyone who's suspicious.

@mistrals I went Al-Anon when mum was alive. It was a bit geared towards religion and was a bit much. My bereavement counselling starts tomorrow though.

Op I do remember your thread

It’s not in the least bit surprising you feel this way . It’s natural and human and it will
Pass .

If they don’t pay out don’t spend your money on a funeral . What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her . Really . There is no point wasting money that will leave you stressed and upset on a dead person . Sorry that’s really harsh but DO NOT skint yourself on this

I am
Sorry for this sad ending to a prolonged episode

May you heal and find peace