To feel as slighted and hated following my mother's death, as I did by her in life.

[GetMeOffThisCycleOfMisery]

Last November, I posted asking if IWBU to cut my mum out of my life, despite the fact that she might die soon, due to her alcoholism. Not one person who replied said IWBU, which made me feel less harsh.

The thread is here: AIBU

Long story short, I had an abusive childhood mainly at the hands of her second husband, which caused a breakdown and 10 years of depression for me, the whole time my mum saying I was exaggerating and attention-seeking, then in 2003 she started drinking after a relationship breakdown and became alcoholic, losing her job and home in the process. Her alcoholism made our relationship even worse, the booze made her really nasty.

Anyway, I was still no contact with my mum last week, when she was found dead in her bed. Her liver had finally packed up.

It's been a rollercoaster of a week. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I have no family locally, so I am trying to muddle through this on my own to a certain degree. My younger brother has travelled down twice to help with bits and bobs, but he's self-employed and not able to just drop everything as he won't get paid. My older brother was no contact with mum too, so I have only seen him once and he travelled for me, rather than for mum, if that makes sense.

I have an amazing supportive partner, friends and work, which is brilliant. But I am feeling so mixed-up, scared and angry right now.

I am angry that I never had a 'coventional' mother-daughter relationship and that I never will have, I feel that I wasn't loved as she put her ex-husband and the alcohol before me and I actually feel cheated as I imagined I would get time to make some kind of peace with her on her death bed.

On top of all this, I now have to find £3k for her funeral. She took out a policy a couple of years ago, when we had a huge row about her drinking and I said she was fucking selfish drinking herself to death, especially leaving me and my younger brother with no means to pay for a funeral.

So I found the plan, submitted the claim last week and although they haven't reached a decision, I know they won't pay out, as I found a summary of her application and she lied on every single bastard question, including how many units she drank per week.

The stress has made me ill, my blood pressure is through the roof, my heart rate really high and my heart is skipping beats. I can't eat, can't sleep, feel constantly on edge and have been having hysterical breakdowns. I know it's all grief, but I feel like I am going mad.

I have been practical and gone to my GP, he's given me tablets. I also have a counselling session booked tomorrow, as I know I need help.

The one thing they can't help with is I just feel sick with worry about the funeral costs. £3k is the basic funeral. My mum has no property, no savings, all the gold jewellery I bought her over the years is missing, and despite her being on benefits, the DWP have said I'm not entitled to any social fund grant, as my brother and I don't claim any benefits ourselves.

My family don't have a pot to piss in either. So like when she was alive and we were talking, it's all left to me to clear up her shit after her and doing all the running around.

It's like she is making me sick with worry and did it on purpose, just to fuck me up a little bit more from beyond the grave, I feel so angry towards her.

Self-pity isn't usually my M.O, but at the moment I can't see any way out of the situation.

Sorry @GetMeOffThisCycleOfMisery cross posted
You said Things like cardboard coffin, or no service, I just can't do it, I would feel so ashamed. Sorry if that sounds daft

Is this because of what your mothers family that are travelling are expecting or you or because you genuinely couldn't do that for yourself?
If it's for her family, then sod them...
If it's for you then I kinda get it

Thanks everyone. I have contacted all the local funeral directors and they are all around the same price.

My family know the situation. I've had one family friend (who is terminally ill herself) offer me £50, which was lovely of her. I might get a couple of hundred from my mum's mobility scooter, cooker and fridge freezer.

The funeral director has been very sympathetic and offered me a payment plan, but that's £250 a month, which is still a lot of money to find. But it's something I guess.

I was going to say you don't need to have a funeral, and can't be forced to pay for one, but I see from your updates that you do need to have one.

I would prefer not to have funerals, even for relatives I have no issues with. Since I'm probably never going to be the only relative involved, I will never get my way.

Before reading your latest posts, I googled to check I was right that you couldn't be forced to pay for a parents funeral, and although I didn't find exact confirmation, I did find something that indirectly implied it: apparently you do have a common-law duty to bury your child. Which is ironic, as having done one parent and one child, the child was done completely free. (Which really confused me at the time, as we could easily afford to pay, and the undertaker must have know that, from seeing where we lived when they collected the body. They said it was their standard policy, and the link I googled now says that it is quite common for child funerals to be offered for free.)

I know they won't pay out, as I found a summary of her application and she lied on every single bastard question, including how many units she drank per week

I wouldn't just assume that they won't pay. Just submit the paperwork and see how things work out. The fact that she lied about her weekly consumption won't be obvious to anyone at the insurance company - if they insured her and took her money, there shouldn't be a problem with a funeral payout.

You certainly don't have to stump up the money for a big service etc, just because your family expects it. Have a simple cremation and a little family get-together afterwards. No need to bankrupt yourself for no good reason. .

I'm no contact with my heavy drinking mother too and I dread this day - one of my siblings is dead, the other lives overseas. Other family will expect a proper funeral but muggins here will be expected to pay. And organise no doubt

I think in your position I'd minimise the costs and just have a combined wake/memorial service and do direct cremation. If her family object tell them that you cannot afford anything fancier and that it's an extra 2k ir however much if they want to pay it.

I wouldn't pay for internment either. Scatter somewhere pretty in her hometown if you wish. Let's face it, neither you nor your siblings are going to travel up to visit, so who is it for?

GetMeOffThisCycleOfMisery
It sounds like you are mourning the loss of the fantasy mother daughter relationship you never had and never would have had.

Could you have the closed cremation and have your own ceremony and wake for you and your family.

@Birdie6 her death certificate says she died of cirrhosis and she lied on questions like how many times have you been in hospital in the past three years, she put zero, she was in and out of hospital. These things will be easily uncovered when they get her medical records and you know how they look for any reason to not pay out.

Sending love & strength!

@Oliversmumsarmy - You are spot on.

I really don't want a closed ceremony, it won't feel like the door is closed for me if I don't have the service.

Someone said to me yesterday that funerals are for the living and not for the dead. Accurate eh?

So sorry you are going through this.
My sister in law passed away a couple of years ago and did not want a conventional service.
She was cremated and we had a gathering at her brothers. Everyone wore her favourite colour, her son made a music track of her favs and her Mum made a short speech. We shared her favourite foods.
It was beautiful

I remember your original thread, and I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.

I agree with Oliversmumsarmy in that your grief is a reaction to what you never had. It is a totally valid feeling and I totally understand your need for 'closure' in this instance.

Is the policy you found a life insurance policy or just a funeral payment plan? I would have thought that a funeral payment plan would pay out, but a life insurance policy could be more tricky.

If it’s your mothers family who are expecting the proper funeral can you not ask them to contribute?! If this is all for their benefit and you are not in regular or close contact why o why are you putting yourself in debt for them? Direct cremation & ask for the ashes, then take everyone somewhere ‘special’ to spread them and the others can come if they want. (Or wait till you have a better plan re the ashes - my Dad’s were in the dining room cupboard for years before my Mum was able to let go😳....though I appreciate you would prob rather get it all done asap). 💐

You mentioned that you wouldn't want a cardboard coffin. I chose cardboard for my dearly loved dad because he would have hated me to spend money on something that would be burned to ashes. The night before the funeral I was overcome with regret thinking that he would be in a cardboard box. When the coffin arrived at the crem it looked like it was wood/veneer. No one knew that it was cardboard.

I know that that is only a small part of your concerns but it definitely did not mean a lack of dignity.

Wait and see what the insurance company says first.

If they don't pay out, do a direct cremation, and then save up and have a small service to inter her ashes. You can put a notice in the local paper to that effect.

Spare yourself as much as you can, lovely. No one would expect anything of you given the circumstances

We have had a funeral in our family recently so this resonated with me.

The thing is you can't have it both ways - you say you want a ceremony but that ceremony will cost £3000. So do you really want a ceremony?

Could you not have a direct cremation and have a personal ceremony at the wake? Cut out the middle man as it were? You can then still have closure and do the things you might want to do and that you feel your mother's family will want but it won't cost the earth.

Up to you of course, but it seems daft to be paying £250 a month for ages, for a 30 minute service.

I would suggest that you tell the family that you simply can't afford a funeral. You could then offer them 2 options - they all chip in to pay for one or - you go for the public health cremation and have a short ceremony when the ashes are interred or scattered. (Talk to the local vicar and explain the situation and I am sure that they would be happy to come out and do the committal part of the burial service for you at the graveyard/wherever.) I know you are looking for closure but an ashes ceremony should give you the same as a funeral albeit a few days later.

My family will want and expect a service, plus I need it too, as I need some kind of closure

Your family's needs don't come into it. Were they there for her when she was alive? So what if they travel far. It's not up to you to feed them or have a wake because they expect it.

As for closure, I think it will take a lot more than a funeral to come to terms with your past. Focus on your own healing and seek counselling if you need it.

Do not put yourself under financial pressure to put on a show for others though, it's unnecessary. And you have siblings so they need to help with costs too.

I'm so sorry for all you're going through, it seems so cruel after everything else.

I assume you'll be splitting the cost with your siblings? I know it will still be a lot of money for you to find but whether they like it or not they have to pay their share of the cost, it shouldn't all be down to you.

Lots of love xxx

Just let the council take care of it OP even if its a closed cremation. Once your dead your dead, if your family want something different then let them pay. Don't get into debt for it.
I know people who have had the council pay and its been fine. I feel for you but don't get pressured.

Either you can afford to do the whole thing, or you can't. And if you really can't (and don't want to have to fork out all that money for someone who was a terrible parent to you), then do as Londonmummy66 suggests. You really, really don't have to spend £3000. Please talk to your local vicar or the celebrant that you would like to use and have a chat about options - them saying a few words when you scatter the ashes for instance rather than a full service. There are many ways of marking the ending of a life that don't involve a full funeral service with fancy coffin, flowers, cars, etc. If that's what you want then you'll have to find the money, but if you're flexible then you can do it for much less (and your family's wishes don't come into it unless they're prepared to share the cost!)

I understand for your mental health you need a ceremony but also for your and your family's mental and physical health they do not need this debt.
I agree with a pp your wider family need to help to pay for the basic funeral or get a closed ceremony but still have the wake with a DIY ceremony.

I'm very sorry about the circumstances, OP, and from experience I suggest you tell one or more of the funeral directors that you want a direct cremation and that you'll go elsewhere if they won't provide it

I did this with my late "father" and you'd be surprised what they're prepared to do rather than lose the business altogether

Also, while it depends on what your DM's plan actually said, I didn't think they were like life insurance - more a kind of pre-pay for the actual funeral (ignore me of course if hers was something different)

I would set up a crowdfunder to help pay for it, and ask people to contribute to it rather than bringing flowers.

Alternatively, don't have a full service but arrange for a really nice, personal ceremony that is essentially the same at the wake.

I think it's a mistake to think that a funeral will bring closure on these issues. I'm not sure any one event can undo what you have suffered or the anger you feel (a normal, natural part of grief in such cases).

If you are on a low income you may be entitled to this
www.gov.uk/funeral-payments/eligibility

There used to be a Funeral Grant, it was based upon the deceased circumstances, don't know if it still exists.