To feel as slighted and hated following my mother's death, as I did by her in life.

[GetMeOffThisCycleOfMisery]

Last November, I posted asking if IWBU to cut my mum out of my life, despite the fact that she might die soon, due to her alcoholism. Not one person who replied said IWBU, which made me feel less harsh.

The thread is here: AIBU

Long story short, I had an abusive childhood mainly at the hands of her second husband, which caused a breakdown and 10 years of depression for me, the whole time my mum saying I was exaggerating and attention-seeking, then in 2003 she started drinking after a relationship breakdown and became alcoholic, losing her job and home in the process. Her alcoholism made our relationship even worse, the booze made her really nasty.

Anyway, I was still no contact with my mum last week, when she was found dead in her bed. Her liver had finally packed up.

It's been a rollercoaster of a week. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I have no family locally, so I am trying to muddle through this on my own to a certain degree. My younger brother has travelled down twice to help with bits and bobs, but he's self-employed and not able to just drop everything as he won't get paid. My older brother was no contact with mum too, so I have only seen him once and he travelled for me, rather than for mum, if that makes sense.

I have an amazing supportive partner, friends and work, which is brilliant. But I am feeling so mixed-up, scared and angry right now.

I am angry that I never had a 'coventional' mother-daughter relationship and that I never will have, I feel that I wasn't loved as she put her ex-husband and the alcohol before me and I actually feel cheated as I imagined I would get time to make some kind of peace with her on her death bed.

On top of all this, I now have to find £3k for her funeral. She took out a policy a couple of years ago, when we had a huge row about her drinking and I said she was fucking selfish drinking herself to death, especially leaving me and my younger brother with no means to pay for a funeral.

So I found the plan, submitted the claim last week and although they haven't reached a decision, I know they won't pay out, as I found a summary of her application and she lied on every single bastard question, including how many units she drank per week.

The stress has made me ill, my blood pressure is through the roof, my heart rate really high and my heart is skipping beats. I can't eat, can't sleep, feel constantly on edge and have been having hysterical breakdowns. I know it's all grief, but I feel like I am going mad.

I have been practical and gone to my GP, he's given me tablets. I also have a counselling session booked tomorrow, as I know I need help.

The one thing they can't help with is I just feel sick with worry about the funeral costs. £3k is the basic funeral. My mum has no property, no savings, all the gold jewellery I bought her over the years is missing, and despite her being on benefits, the DWP have said I'm not entitled to any social fund grant, as my brother and I don't claim any benefits ourselves.

My family don't have a pot to piss in either. So like when she was alive and we were talking, it's all left to me to clear up her shit after her and doing all the running around.

It's like she is making me sick with worry and did it on purpose, just to fuck me up a little bit more from beyond the grave, I feel so angry towards her.

Self-pity isn't usually my M.O, but at the moment I can't see any way out of the situation.

I am very sorry for your loss - grief is powerful (however undeserving your mother was) and confusing - it is hard to see things clearly.

From what you say above - your mother is not at the centre of the need for a funeral - you are - and this is about how you feel.

The funeral is about the comfort you need and perhaps about the way you want your relationship presented to the rest of the family.

I can't know how things are for you after all these years with your mother, but it seems to me that closure from a relationship like this isn't something you can buy - even with a funeral.

It is going to take time and a chance to forgive her. (Perhaps you will also feel a need to forgive yourself? These things are not straightforward at all.) It isn't going to be about other people.

I agree with those above. You are not under obligation to your mother in this case.
The family are not owed a funeral.
This is about what you want.

Is the payment for what you have chosen worth the comfort it MIGHT bring you? If it is - go ahead. If it isn't - there are other options as people have outlined above.

Making the service about placing the ashes could be good. ( Plant a tree - and let your mother be part of something living and good - that you can visit?)

I work in the NHS and our bereavement service regularly arrange "parish funerals" where the patient either has no relatives and no money, or where the family "can not or will not" pay for one.

It sounds like it may be too late for the OP to request this, but it may be useful for others reading. You might need to be very clear and direct in saying you want this done, and the patient will be buried with strangers (wouldn't bother me), but it is a respectful and decent burial, which the family can attend.

Another one here for direct cremation, and hold a wake when you get the ashes.

My father and mother in law have both died through being alcoholics. Mil died 10yrs ago and fil last year. Wasnt enough in the bank to pay for the funeral so DH had to pay for some. We had a basic funeral with no flowers or wake. Dh family is very small. Dh parents were alcoholics all his life. He attended counselling last year which was really helpful.

So not get yourself into debt for this funeral.

If I were you I would tell your family that you arranged funeral cover for your DM but unfortunately she wasn't honest on the paperwork so it won't pay out. You and DH will cover the wake but the funeral will cost £900 so in place of flowers or donations as the funeral.

Arrange a private cremation then book a church service with her ashes present and hold the wake after the service.

You can have the ashes in a wooden box or urn next to a framed photo of her at the front of the church so there is something to focus on in place of a coffin.

Your DMs family will know what she was like and will not begrudge this. If they do then they are entirely at liberty to pay for a £3.5k funeral if they wish.

Sorry it's such a difficult time for you

I remember your thread, the worry you had. I am so sorry you have been left with this situation. I am sorry for your loss of childhood, loss of relationship with your DM, now her passing.
The anger and frustration is completely normal given what you have gone through. No practical advice only take care of yourself, heal your wounds however you can. I am happy you have a supportive DP.

I remember your first post OP. Are you sure you are not avoiding the cheaper options out of guilt?

I ask because when my much loved Dad died my mum and I had no compunction about keeping the funeral costs to an absolute minimum. Any choice we were given we’d ask ‘what’s the cheapest?’ And go for that. He was a lovely, generous, unselfish and very frugal man and we knew he would not want us to spend any more money than absolutely essential. We didn’t take into account what other people might have thought - they weren’t paying so it was none of their business. The size of the car or the quality of the coffin made no difference to us, we loved him and missed him and the trappings were irrelevant.

That’s why I wonder if trying to do a ‘proper’ send off is a wake of compensating for any misplaced guilt you might feel about her death? If it is, try and see it for that and resist it.

So direct cremation, then collect the ashes and hold a wake that involves some kind of service and perhaps interment of the ashes if that can be done nearby?

this OP a good friend of mine, who is pretty wealthy so definitely not a finance issue, recently had a direct cremation for her mother, followed by a wake at a local hotel where they held their own DIY service with eulogies etc., and for them it was a happy celebration of a life. I thought it was a really good idea. I'm sorry your mother denied you a loving relationship. I sympathise as I'm in the same boat.

My "mother" died four years ago. I refused to pay for her funeral as I was NC due to her abusive behaviour. We were able to get a "parish funeral". On the surface it was no different to any other funeral.

I am sorry, OP. I know it's difficult

Haven’t RTFT, sorry, but surely the family that want and expect a service could pull their finger out and organise something, no?

Hope the counselling session helps 💐

Hi OP. I remember your first post. I felt for you then but more now. Lost my difficult mum last year to suicide and went through a lot of the painful emotions you describe.

Did your mum own a house? If so will you get anything from selling it? could be you can cover as much of a funeral as YOU feel you need to have with a loan (bollocks to what anyone else expects if they're not putting their hand in their pocket) and recoup from the sale of her house and effects?

Try not to worry though. And Try to be patient with yourself. Also, not to give you more to worry about, but watch out for your emotional state after the funeral - for me as my mum's executor there was so much to organise and do around that (and legal stuff due to the suicide) I was in a bit of a dream/nightmare state until it was over. Then when it was done the reality hit me in the face and the real grieving started. It was agony and it came in waves, still catches me out sometimes on a bad day and I'll fall apart with a basket of shopping in the Co-op if a song comes on the radio. And it has wrecked my concentration long term. Please be prepared to seek help and support for yourself, I tried to soldier on and nearly destroyed myself by the time I couldn't sustain it any more.

Try and break things down into chunks of tasks instead of doing everything at once. Don't overwhelm yourself trying to get it all 'sorted' at once. just do what needs to happen, when it needs to happen. Give yourself a lot of room and a lot of comfort. You have suffered and will suffer more. But you will survive. Most importantly never even entertain the idea of blaming yourself. You deserved better and none of it - the poor relationship, the going NC, the manner of her death - were your responsibility. Never forget that xxx

I am sorry to say, but in my opinion, getting yourself into debt is only going to prolongue your pain & grief.
Once this "appearances only" funeral is over, you will still not feel any great feeling of closure, on the contrary, the damage she caused to you & your brothers will take years to evacuate & putting debt on top of that will increase the impact on you & your husband/kids.

I would send a message to all this distant family, & tell them what you can afford, so, direct crem. then memorial at some point. (unless they can cover the estimated cost of 3K communally )
Throw her ashes to the wind.

remember the debt, if you (& your brothers) do decide she was worthy of the full send off, is split 3 ways

So sorry that you are dealing with this. However, I think you should take a moment to feel some pride that despite a shitty childhood, you have taught yourself how to be a responsible adult.
As someone in a similar position, that thought has often helped me. But do be careful that responsible adult doesn’t become the little red hen, or the scapegoat, as It can.
You are not the only relative, expect an equal contribution from your siblings, and something from the other relatives.
Please choose the cheapest coffin. My Mums was banana leaf. It was really stylish.. Don’t worry about interment in her home town. Who is that for?
Wishing you all the best.

God bless, OP.

Tell your siblings the cost is split between you all. Decide what can be afforded and go from there.

Loads of great ideas for services and closure without necessarily needing the ‘funeral’.

Im so sorry you are in this situation, as I see others are on this post. You know you dont have to pay for her to have a funeral, and I personally would find it very hard listening to lots of praise of the decreased when I didnt feel that way.

Deep breath and stand back from this whole situation. You were NC and have been through some tough times, - why do you have to be the one to pay ? I know this might sound odd, but you mention her family and someones donation of £50 + money from mobility scooter. I, in your circs would be sorely tempeted to set up a crowd funder. People attending funerals normally make a donation to a chosen charity or flowes, so why not ask them to donate that £ / £20 / £50 towards the funeral.

I would do this because there is no bloody way I would get into debt with someone who I had been NC with at their time of death..... I would do the message to say "as we all know mum had her problems, and sadly at the time of her death had not made any provisions for her funeral. As she doesnt have an estate, we (her children) are unable to afford a proper funeral. In lieu of flowers or charitable donations on the day, we are asking for those who feel able, to make a contribution towards the cost of the funeral itself". I dont think anyone that would travel 3 hours to a funeral would baulk at that tbh...

Sorry for your situation, OP.

I echo all the PP that have suggested separating in your mind the service part of the funeral and the cremation part.

I have been to several church funerals where the remains of the deceased are not present. They have been very appropriate services. The cremation happened at some other time and I honestly don't know if family went or not.

In your situation, I would arrange the direct cremation and put that aside and focus on the most appropriate service for your family. You could approach a church, a humanist service leader, or book a village hall and put it together yourself/ves.

I would also have a frank conversation with all involved family members about the estate and costs. You are not the only child, so you do not need to assume full responsibility.

I would have a direct cremation and then just pay for the wake after. This is something I have thought about as I am no contact with a close relative and they have no provision for a funeral. I won't be paying but as a token of good will, may put on some sort of wake with a few trays of sandwiches. All the people who will complain about this should have complained when they saw how this person treats me in life

When my mother died I arranged her funeral. The bill was charged to her estate. Is that an option? Funeral bills are paid out first I believe. If there is no money then there is no money. In my case my mum had just her rundown house so I paid the bill instead of having the house sold to pay for the funeral.

If the £3k is a funeral plan then it won't matter what she died of, it will pay out - everyone dies, that's the point of the plan, it's not life insurance.

You don’t have to pay for her funeral.

Have her cremated and no service. Much cheaper.

There are a few areas you can save money. Own clothes instead of a shroud, no car (just the hurst) everyone uses own cars. Make own order of service or don’t bother. Don’t have expensive flowers. Keep service short. No need to inter ashes, either scatter yourself or leave with crematorium (mum and dad are both scattered at ours - same area of grounds). Should save a few hundred. Can you share cost with siblings (on payment plan)?

And will everyone stop saying don’t have a service! OP has already explained that she wants one.

If the £3k is a funeral plan then it won't matter what she died of, it will pay out - everyone dies, that's the point of the plan, it's not life insurance.

I'm not sure that is completely true. She would have been paying premiums for the plan which would have been calculated based on her health, which she lied about. She has quite likely died earlier than expected because of something she lied about on the health form so may not have paid in enough to cover the cost. They should pay something out but it may not be the full amount.

OP, definitely look into the cardboard coffin. There is no way you would have known that's what my dad's was. My uncle had one too and I had no idea at all until it was mentioned when my dad died.

Thank you everyone.

To clarify, my mum had no property or anything of value, she lost her house, due to the alcoholism a number of years ago.

The plan was life insurance, not a funeral plan. I'm genuinely not hopeful. If they decline, I will push for a part payment, or see if they can even refund her premiums, due to my mum not being of sound mind.

I'm going to speak to my family and ASK them to help financially, seeing as I've had no offers. Really hope they muck in.

It's all I can do for now.

Some of you have been through similar and I can't reply to you all individually, but my heart goes out to you.

Some of you should be counsellors (or psychics!) by the way, some of what you've said has been so spot on and had given me great comfort, thank you so much.