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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being a single parent feel like a life sentence

123 replies

Nononoandno · 30/04/2019 22:49

Divorced when DS was 5 (father had an affair), I’m the mum and main career of now DS15, don’t get me wrong I love him dearly but it really feels like a life sentence. His father ‘maintains’ an ‘ok’ relationship with him which consists of the odd walk with the dog or tea out but that’s it.
I feel like my life was put on hold ten years ago to the extent I’m now almost a recluse and avoid busy places/going out in the evening. It’s as if I’ve just accepted this is life and just exist day to day putting DS first with everything. Does anyone feel the same?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 30/04/2019 22:54

He's 15. Of course you'll always have to consider him, but now is the time to start branching out and starting to enjoy life. Your DS is going to start wanting some independence, going out with his mates, spending time with mates, and maybe even wanting a gf!

You have to start laying the groundwork for your own new life now.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 30/04/2019 22:57

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KateyKube · 30/04/2019 22:58

I’m married but my DH works long hours so gets home after bedtime every night except Saturday. I’m basically a single parent, can’t go out at night because I have to do dinner and bedtime. I feel really trapped and isolated. My life is 99% over.

GoldenEvilHoor · 30/04/2019 22:59

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Original poster
Nononoandno · 30/04/2019 22:59

I do dream about when he’s flown the nest, but i just don’t have the time, working full time, being here for son in the evenings. There’s no way I could start a new relationship even if I wanted to. I have work and home life with my son, fitting a third thing in just doesn’t feel possible yet. I do meet friend at a weekend during the day for the odd lunch but that’s about it.

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 30/04/2019 23:01

Yanbu.
I'm a decade in and still have a few years before I feel like I can live again.
No family around, I work, younger dc has behavioural and sleep issues and my health problems have decimated my day to day life.

PicsInRed · 30/04/2019 23:01

I think, single or not, the present day is more like the 1950s for child bearing women than most care to admit. It's grim.

SavageBeauty73 · 30/04/2019 23:01

Nope I feel totally differently. Daughter is 16 and son 13. I go to the cinema once a week, go out dancing once a month and see friends at the weekend. I've always made it a priority to see my friends and have my own life. I adore my kids but I need my friends.

Surely your son is out with his friends. You need to carve back your life.

Original poster
Nononoandno · 30/04/2019 23:02

Being in a relationship/married and feeling like a single parent in some ways more lonely I think (I remember those days).

OP posts:
CrispbuttyNo1 · 30/04/2019 23:03

Did he never go to sleepovers, could you not get a babysitter?

You deserve a life too. Life is way too short.

StuckInsideAnEcho · 30/04/2019 23:04

I understand what @KateyKube means but it's still very much different. My mum tried this one on me because my father was away a lot for a year when my brother was a baby and I was a toddler. Yes she had to do everything herself but a) she had her mum, b) she had his mum, c) he would come home at weekends, and d) he didn't lift a finger with us ever, anyway, and hasn't with his grandkids either, so I don't really see the difference.

frenchonion · 30/04/2019 23:05

He's 15! You can totally carve out a life for yourself. What interests you? Did you have a hobby in the past you enjoyed?

OhioOhioOhio · 30/04/2019 23:06

I'm 2 years in. I need to branch out but much prefer to hide too. Mine are very young.

TheSheepofWallSt · 30/04/2019 23:07

@KateyKube
You’re really really not basically a single parent.

OP- I’m a LP too. DS is almost 3, I separated from his dad when he was 9 months. Started off being very involved and has now trickled down to weekend visits (in my home) probably every 2-3 months?

After DS (like you,always my number 1 priority) my career is really important to me, and my job is full on, so I get quite a lot of “life satisfaction” from my job- but that feels a bit wrong too tbh. Like between my job and my son, I get lost somewhere?

I moved back to my hometown as London was unmanageable as a LP to a baby, for me, and I’ve made no new friends, been away too long to pick up with old ones, and my family have proven collectively useless as a support network. I go out maybe once every 6 months? Always a work related function. Travel for work occasionally but have to be “on” 24:7. Can’t remember the last time I went shopping, for a hair cut, to a yoga class, to the gym....no I can! It was 2.5 years ago Hmm

I totally hear you. It’s so hard. It feels relentless. And it feels unacceptable to say- but I’ll say it. My child is the bright sun in my sky. He’s my life’s joy. He is my first and last, and everything in between, in all things.
But fucking HELL Im glad nobody told me my life would be consumed this way before I found myself here. I wouldn’t have thought I could stand it. Thank god he makes it worth it.

Still - I do mourn my life Before and wonder who/what I’ll be After he stops needing me.

Solidarity Star

Dragongirl10 · 30/04/2019 23:08

Op he is 15! you can certainly leave him for one night a week and go out, cinema/dinner/drinks/concert.....

Or take up a weekend hobby, l leave mine 13 and 11, and go to the gym for a couple of hours,sometimeds DH is away but they love having the house to themselves for a bit....!

JacquesHammer · 30/04/2019 23:09

Can you pinpoint what you’d like from your life apart from being a mum?

It might help you to make plans to forge a life for yourself.

SavageBeauty73 · 30/04/2019 23:10

@KateyKube you are NOT a single mum! You have someone who shares the responsibility and his income. My ex doesn't have my kids at all which was relentless but life has got better for me since my teenagers can be home alone.

Book a babysitter or do a babysitting swap with a friend.

jelly79 · 30/04/2019 23:10

I was a single parent for 10 years, DS is now 17. I met someone we planned a baby after a few years together and we fell pregnant, he left. So I felt so panicked that I was to do it all again alone when I was just getting some independence back. But I've really learned to embrace it, I enjoy time to myself when I can and love being really busy when I am. Just finding the right balance for me.

Fill your diary with lots of nice plans with your boy and then without him too x

Original poster
Nononoandno · 30/04/2019 23:10

Tbh I think I’ve got used to being at home all the time outside work hours. He’s a single child and hate the thought of him being on his own more than he is now, I’m out of the house 8-7 mon to fri as it is. He’s too old for a baby sitter, sleep overs are very last minute so little chance to organise anything. The thing is I don’t feel particularly sad about it, it’s more like I’ve conditioned myself to this is life now and feel quite numb and accepting of it. Getting ready to Going out in the evening feels like “too much effort” have I just got lazy and boring? ... Maybe 🤔

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 30/04/2019 23:13

He is 15!!
Sit and tell him that on Wednesday a you will be put and leave him pizza to put in oven ....
Join a choir
Go to the gym
Join a book club
Time to start doing something for you. 3 years time and he is off to uni..start preparing ypurself.
(My youngest now 16..I joined a community choir and it s been amazing

KateyKube · 30/04/2019 23:18

KateyKube You’re really really not basically a single parent
How would you know? My DH goes out before we get up and gets home after we’re in bed. Six nights a week I have to handle dinner and bedtime and everything else around the house. Sometimes I actually get out of bed to see him otherwise I’d see nobody all week. I can never go out on an evening because I’m trapped at home with DC. It’s relentless and exhausting because I basically do all the parenting and DH is a Saturday dad.

LetsDialDownTheIanPaisley · 30/04/2019 23:19

I'm.a single parent to a 3 year old and have been out 2 or 3 times in his whole lifetime. Confused

Not sure how to change it as I work full time so would feel terrible having him babysat too.

Original poster
Nononoandno · 30/04/2019 23:21

If I went out on a Wednesday, he would stay up till silly hours consuming too much sugar, also his mental health isn’t great (school pressure) so I feel like I need to be here. I do go to a personal trainer once a week while DS is at a club.

I really appreciate your comments and suggestions I do need to push myself and make more plans for me to socialise more as I have definitely noticed I’ve become socially awkward when I used to be really bubbly and more outgoing and adventurous.

OP posts:
TheSheepofWallSt · 30/04/2019 23:22

@KateyKube

Leave him then. If you’re already a single parent why are you staying?

KateyKube · 30/04/2019 23:23

KateyKube you are NOT a single mum! You have someone who shares the responsibility and his income
Single mums also have a father who pays maintenance and shares parental responsibility. And anyway, since when did this become a fight about who has the least help from the father? Am I not entitled to feel isolated and depressed because I’m still married to my DC’s father? who works all week and like many separated parents is only a Saturday dad