To think being a single parent feel like a life sentence

[Nononoandno]

Divorced when DS was 5 (father had an affair), I’m the mum and main career of now DS15, don’t get me wrong I love him dearly but it really feels like a life sentence. His father ‘maintains’ an ‘ok’ relationship with him which consists of the odd walk with the dog or tea out but that’s it.
I feel like my life was put on hold ten years ago to the extent I’m now almost a recluse and avoid busy places/going out in the evening. It’s as if I’ve just accepted this is life and just exist day to day putting DS first with everything. Does anyone feel the same?

My DH leaves the house at between 5 - 7am our local shop doesn’t open until 8. The nearest is a 15min drive. It is possible that it isn’t practical for other people.

And he can never stop on the way home?

I think it's a different experience for everyone and I might well feel like you do if I had been parenting alone for 10 years... As it is, I'm just into my second year, my DDs are 18 and 16 and we are all so much happier than we used to be that we are not yet at the stage of seeing life without their dad as normal and to be taken for granted. We're only just starting to see how much of a shadow he cast over our lives and how free we are now. It's hard at times, but it's so much easier than it used to be.

But do try to carve out something for yourself, however small. Little steps.

i cant give an opinion as a single mother but say that as a parent in a 2 parent family that gets no help from other family members it does also feel like a life sentence so can only imagine to be a single parent without family help must be much worse,

I really hate being a single parent, never planned for it, never envisaged it and I would never have had children if I knew I was going to be on my own. I do have a few single parent friends who have chosen to go it alone and hats off to them.

Eg planned it with a donor.

Hugs to OP. Am in a similar position. XH left for another country and for another woman when kids were 4 and 8. Now they are 12 and 16. I feel parenting in itself is a life sentence - most parents never stop worrying but I think we 'lucky' single mums do have a relentless number of chores EVERY SINGLE F**KING DAY. It doesn't seem to let up. I do get sick of it and am always pleased to see the end of school holidays (I don't have family close by). Things have become less hideous as they've grown up though.

Hang on in there, they become adults eventually and the problems will be different but hopefully by then, they can at least help out or move out.

It isn't a " life" sentence whichever way
.it s til They old enough
It s years hard labour but with an end in sight

and a 15 year old is old.enough for you to.go out..if disabilities involved more complex but my disabled adult d's is now in supported living and its a new freedom .

@Putthatlampshadeonyourhead

Oh ffs yes he could but I’d be pretty miserable had I not drank a cup of for atleast 12 hours.

My DH is great and I live a good, fulfilled life but I can sympathise with others without picking every scenario apart.

he is 15. almost grown up, get a grip.

I have a child with complex needs, she will
need life long 24/7 care. as long as I life, this will me my job. now that is a life sentence not healthy 15 year old DS who will fly the nest.

He is a NT 15 year old.

You can leave him on his own for periods of time (or he can see friends, or his dad) and you can do your own things. Like see friends. Gym. Hobbies. Date even.

You and only you have closed your life in such a severe way.

Oh ffs yes he could but I’d be pretty miserable had I not drank a cup of for atleast 12 hours.

Why are you assuming people only run out if milk on a morning?

The point is, is that someone is there when that happens. If you are ill or cant leave the house, someone can pick bits up for you.

If you run out of milk at 10pm or dropped the milk in the floor, you can nip out because your partner is at home.

Plus, you have the financial support of someone.

So it's not like being a single parent. I am sure the pps husband could help her somewhere if he gave a shit. Not being able to pick up milk first thing doesnt equal not being able to do anything.

@Putthatlampshadeonyourhead

You’re getting your knickers in a twist. I did NOT say it was like being a single parent.

The pp said nobody is so busy that they can’t collect milk BEFORE work. My response was to that comment.

He probably could help you if he gave a shit. If he doesn’t give a shit she’d probably find it easier on her own.

A friend of mine suffered from PND in part because her OH was so useless. I actually felt he was more of a burden. He quit his job when the baby was a few months old. He didn’t lift a finger in the house or towards childcare and generally sat around scratching his balls making a mess for her to clean up. I believe (and that’s a belief and not a fact and so not for you to dispute) that she would have been better on her own.

My knickers arent in a twist. I am simply commenting. Like you. Are your in a twist?

My point is that fact that your dh cant go to the shop first thing isnt compatible to the OP or to the pp whose husband does nothing apart from contributes financially.

The same as you friend whose dp quit work isnt compatible to either as well. That's why I questioned it.

And I would imagine if we were talking about an emergency and not milk, your dh would be there too.

I’m not trying to compare my situation to OP’s. I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful life and have no genuine complaints.

A PP - Saavi said nobody is so busy they can’t go out for milk, that was aimed at a PP - Katey. My comment re milk was in response to that comment. You have taken it out of context and inferred something else than what was intended. I can understand that Katey’s DH might genuinely not find it practicable to get milk, based on the opening times of my own local shop, my own DHs average working hours and the location in which we live comparative to the shops that sell milk. If we ran out at a different time of day, I still couldn’t send him for milk as he’d likely be 300 miles alway given he works all over the country and frequently has overnight stays.

My life is not like being a single parent and I’m grateful for my fabulous husband, family and friends who all help me as I help them. But I can see that Kateys DH may genuinely not be able to run out and get milk.

KateyCube, if you are a lone parent, have you made arrangements for what happens to your child if you die?

Because that’s the reality for many. There is literally no-one else.

I don’t doubt your dh being away is tough, and I sympathise but please try to understand why some people are offended,

''feel like single mums seem to fall into two categories: those like us who sort of shut down and live solely for their dcs after separation (probably a mechanism for self-preservation) and those who really go to town dating and moving in new partners shortly afterwards. I'd like to find some middle ground as i'm not getting any younger''

@RuffuleCrow - of course there is a middle ground. I'm a single parent through choice by adoption. I have one son who is 14, nearly 15. I've never lived soley for my son, nor have I gone all out to find a partner.
I didn't go out much in the first couple of years. My son has autism and a learning difficulty, so getting a babysitter wasn't easy. But over the last 7 years as my son has gained independence, I have regained mine. I work part time and the mainstay of my social life for the last 6 years has been a group of mums I have breakfast with every Friday. We are now good friends and go to the theatre regularly, to the pub occasionally.
Building a life outside your children does not have to mean going out in the evening, staying out late or pursuing relationtionships with men. I'm not anti men, but no I haven't the time to give to relationship. But my son is nearly 15, he can be left for a few hours in the evening so I can go to the cinema or theatre. I don't do much in the week, but on weekends I will go to the gym, spend a few hours down the allotment, catch up with friends for coffee or lunch. Most weekends I make sure he has done his homework and chores and I go out and do my own thing and not get back until 7. He is fine, likes the independence, sometimes he will go out as well, have friend of play on the PS4. He is a scout, I've always taken full advantage of scout camps. This year he will be away for a week, I might go away by myself.
At 15, there is no reason why you can't start refocusing on your own life, rekindle friends. make new friends and pursue your own interests.

Oh FFS. Always someone who thinks they have a right to tell someone else how they should or shouldn’t be feeling. Always someone who thinks her married life is far, far worse than every single parent put together. I really don’t understand why single parents don’t get to define their own situations, who, what they are, the difficulties they face (or not) without this kind of utter shite thrown at them. Get a grip? You know fuck all about the OP’s life, what led her to single parenting, how hard she’s had to work to keep a roof over their heads, the transport at her disposal, her location, availability of babysitters, or even just too emotionally bruised for a long time to chance it again.

OP., I hear you. It’s tough. Really tough. No easy solutions except to say, be brave!

Blimey I don’t know where to start in response to so many comments... including lots of trips for milk (they all made me chuckle) I hear you all and I agree I need to make more effort.

I have dated in the past when my son was seeing his father occasionally overnight (he’s not stayed over for about 3 years now due to him living further away and his work commitments...they always came/come first 🙄) so online dating I have done and it wasn’t great tbh, but maybe because I didn’t meet ‘the one’, instead I met lots of window shoppers that just move onto the next swipe after 3 months or so. I’ve been totally single for 3 years.
I also have health issues that result in only 3 or 4 days per week feeling ‘ok’ the other days non stop headaches and just glad to climb into bed.
I am trying diets and exercise and under the hosp to help improve my health and well-being etc, but due to the whole situation I just currently don’t feel I have anything to offer (time or energy) anyone looking for a regular relationship.
That’s why I have accepted single life just being me and concentrate on work life and home life with my son with occasional outing at weekend for a few hours in the day.
I don’t feel down about it or sad, someone nailed it when they said “relentless”. It’s just having a teenager is so much fun said no one ever.

The thing that really gets my goat ... I have a few friends, not really close but Mums (Married) from school that are quite jealous of my situation (they are not happily married) they envy what they see as my freedom and Independence.., Until you’ve been a single lone parent you just don’t get it.
I have a mental list of hobbies to start up again when things are little easier in the future but for now full time work and supporting my son is the priority for now.

" I do need to push myself" where can you start - evening where you invite friend around and then alternate so you get out?

I hear you! I m a lone parent of three. My ex left when I was 7 months pregnant with our 3rd. It has been a real slog. No family around me to help and friends with young kids and working too But now my youngest is 8 I have begun to have my own time. I pay a babysitter so I can go to the gym. Book club once a month and other occasional events. Certainly easier than relying on my abusive ex to have the kids regularly or plan ahead. It’s the hardest thing I ve ever done. But if I can cobble together a social life then so can you!! Get out of your rut

I agree it can feel like a life sentence. A poster on here likened it to women (it's mostly women) having decades of their lives stolen. That really resonated with me.
I remember when my ex told me he was relocating 400 miles away and I cried all night as I knew the weight of it would all be on me.
Initially I did date and there were a couple of guys I clicked with but after a couple of dates it was obvious that logistically it was impossible. So now I'm resigned to being single, which I don't mind massively because men can be a lot of work but I resent that my ex has made it impossible for me.
I do feel my health has suffered, the PP who described washing the car while the kids hang off her bored has it - everything has to be done consecutively and we're the ones doing it all.
I've tried to build myself a good life but by god it's exhausting.

I was going to say can't you get a babysitter but at 15 he could actually be a babysitter himself! At age 15 my (very loving and responsible) parents had no issue leaving me sometimes, even for the odd weekend towards the end of that year. I was also going out regularly with my own friends. And I could deal with my own meals if needed.

I do agree with other PPs that unless there is a reason your son in particular can't be left alone there is absolutely no reason for you to be living like this at this stage.

I'm sure it's been very hard and perhaps you've got into a routine of always being with him and doing everything but to be honest my single mum friends have much more independence than this when their kids are considerably younger, so I would really look at ways that you can regain your life back, unless there's something else behind it this really isn't necessary and to be honest probably not doing your son any favors in terms of learning to fly himself, as it were.

Oh, I am sorry you feel that way OP

My DC are 16 and 14 and I leave them quite often (the 14yr old is out a lot, so 16 yr old often alone), yes he eats potnoodles and kitkats, but he does not mind that 2 evenings a week we are all out until 9, doing our own thing.

I have even started competing in my sport, and love it, new lease of life

Love my kids, but really appreciate my new found freedom now they are older

Hope you soon start feeling like that too!