To think being a single parent feel like a life sentence

[Nononoandno]

Divorced when DS was 5 (father had an affair), I’m the mum and main career of now DS15, don’t get me wrong I love him dearly but it really feels like a life sentence. His father ‘maintains’ an ‘ok’ relationship with him which consists of the odd walk with the dog or tea out but that’s it.
I feel like my life was put on hold ten years ago to the extent I’m now almost a recluse and avoid busy places/going out in the evening. It’s as if I’ve just accepted this is life and just exist day to day putting DS first with everything. Does anyone feel the same?

Thanks everyone for your suggestions, I will defiantly give them some thought and make a bigger effort to get out a bit more.

I feel for a lot of people that have posted, it’s bloody hard, relentless and lonely wether in a relationship (for some) or not.

Katiekube if things are really bad can’t your other half change jobs/career? Your quality of family life isn’t great on top of you being lonely and low.

On another note ...date I say it on Mumsnet...think I’ve become a bit of a man hater too, all the men in my life have let me down one way or another so I’ve lost faith in men.. I’m hoping something or someone will change my mind one day but I’m not convinced.

my separated friend gets a lot more help than I do as she gets every other weekend off and ex is still there in an emergency etc
My separated friend has more access to her kids father in an emergency than I do. She gets full days and nights off when he has access. Plus she has grandparents, aunties and uncles who regularly look after her DC. I’m more isolated and trapped than she is despite having a husband. In comparison, my other friend is also married but her husband has brain damage so she’s more of a lone parent than any of us.

But it’s not a competition about who has it harder. Parents in all kinds of situations struggle to cope on their own when they lack support for various reasons. And we can have shared experiences and difficulties even if our situations aren’t exactly the same. I’m disappointed that people pounce on others because they deem them less worthy of expressing their struggles.

Kateykube - it;s also NOT the case for many lone parents.
Plus they dont have a husband around on Saturdays and at night. Or who can help out when you are literally dying.

Yes, there are single parents who get every weekend off. But did it ever occur to you that they feel sad not having their kids at home with them and only seeing their kid half the time?

Your situation sounds hard but if it is that hard, then cant you and your husband have a discussion about what is best for the family and perhaps change things? Can he get a less pressured, lower income job to get a better work life balance?

Or if it is that unbearable and he isn;t contributing anything (does he provide emotional support?), then perhaps separating IS the way forward.

I am wondering why you don't do that? Is it because you love him? Because he supports you in some way? Because you don't want to have your kids away from home and suffering the upset of divorce and having to comfort them at night?

Kateykube - it;s also NOT the case for many lone parents
I agree. It’s not one size fits all. And there isn’t a specified level of “aloneness” that you have to meet before you’re permitted to express that you’re struggling and empathise with others.

Katy

I used to feel like you in my marriage. Then I became a lone parent.

I think parenting can be very relentless, and boring, whether you have a partner or not, you do have to make a huge effort to get out, meet people and find hobbies and interests that don’t revolve around your children.

YANBU
I am am a single parent to two preschoolers. Their dad is very very involved when it comes to controlling the quality of my parenting, but not at all when it comes to financial support or spending time with them. I love them to bits, but with full time work and home, and constant juggling of a thousand things at a time it does feel like there is no "me" anymore. I cannot even think about starting a relationship or getting a hobby.

Katy. I also felt exactly like you, but, my husband was away 4 nights a week.
I’m divorced now and my life is better, but honestly it’s not that different on a day to day basis.

The difference is when I’m sick or the roof falls in, they you realise how alone you are.

But practically day to day, yes I agree with you, your life is very similar to a lone parent.

@kateycube. I find it offensive when married people come and tell you they are “basically a single parent”. The f*ck they are, my exH was travelling all the time but he was paying a good part of the bills, I had someone to talk to at the end of the day even if it was by phone, DS and I didn’t have to sit alone in a ward at hospital when either of us was ill and most importantly DS knew his dad was there for him. There is no way having a travelling husband and being a single parent is remotely the same.

KateyKube

You are mot a single parent.

I am not a single parent, I do have an OH that works crazy hours and is often away for weeks a time.
But although I have over the years done 99% of childcare, cookin and domestic stuff I benefit from his income.
All the responsibility of housing, mortgage etc is shared, big decisions like child's health or any other major issues are shared.
If I have concerns over the children I can speak to my OH, knowing that he is in the same place of loving our children unconditionally, so we can have these conversations literally from the heart about the welfare of our children.
Single parents don't have this and many other factors.

KateyKube I am in the same position as you, I have never been a single parent, and I would never claim to have the slightest idea of how challenging it must be.

Can you both go to the gym (not to work out together) or you go out for a couple of hours once a week. This is Home life for DS, what will he expect of a future DW? For that reason I think you should do something, even going to another room to work out, sew whatever , if it's too hard to get out.

I’ve been a single parent when dd was little. Then dh went off with his ex and upped and left us all within a 2 week period and we never heard from him again. I was made redundant from the best paying job I’ve ever had at the same time and we’d just moved to the countryside so then had to downsize and he left me with £20k worth of debt that I never got back. All a disaster.

Anyway, I got myself another job, much lower paid than my last one and after a while decided I didn’t want to be on my own so dated quite a bit while dd went to Nannies at the weekend sometimes - sometimes I used childcare, I had a lot of fun. Yes I was exhausted though!

I then went on plenty of fish (!) and after a few frogs I met now dh. We just clicked and have now been married nearly 10 years and have a son together. He’s a good step dad to dd and they adore each other (she’s now 16). Things haven’t been easy- both dh and I have health issues and ds has autism.

I am not saying it’s easy but you have to think about what you want and really go for it. All of life is a gamble and sure you might get your heart kicked a few times - maybe a new relationship isn’t even what you want and that’s fine, but you have to grab life and just go for it!

Op, I’m the same. I’ve been a lone parent for 7 years, DD is 9. My exh has her once every 4 weeks on a Saturday for 4 hours. Unless he gets bored in which case he’ll bring her back after 2
My parents do my after-school care, which I’m grateful for as otherwise my childcare costs would eradicate all my earnings, but they won’t do any weekend care as they do it mon-fri. Which is fine, I absolutely understand that. But it does mean my life is relentless. Coupled with the fact that DD has anxiety issues so can not sleep at friends or even go anywhere unless I am there.
I’ve found i’m less inclined to do anything. I used to plan how to spend my 4 hours a month, cramming in coffee with friends etc but it just got too frenetic. It’s easier to just be at home and Potter.
It’s not forever though. Only 7 years until she is 16 and I can get my independence back

Also, take the man hate on here with a pinch of salt. People in happy relationships rarely post about how wonderful their dh is, people usually only post when there’s a problem!

OP, if you feel comfortable at home and you no longer like going out at night, that is ok, but it may be a good idea to start organising things with your friends from time to time as you will need some close friendships around, more so you when your DS flies the nest.

I have been raising my son single handedly for 10 years, I have no family around me and also work full time. Sometimes I am so tired I only want to crawl into bed as soon as he finishes his dinner. It is true they need you a lot when they are younger, especially when they are single children but once they are teens they want their space, so I have found out that trying to be home early to be there for them, doesn’t serve much of a purpose as they want to spend the time at home in their own room, doing what they want rather than interacting with you, so that time to do other stuff is there. Maybe not for having a man staying over but it is good enough for meeting for a coffee with a friend on a weekend day morning or inviting people around for dinner or a cup If tea after it.

Having said that, I think you need to find friends that share this same journey, and understand where you are coming from and the limitation of being a single parent, otherwise it is just a hassle.

@KateyKube

Come back when you have experienced life as a lone parent. When you've experienced the guilt of either not being able to work in a well paid or full time job because you can't afford the child care or the hours don't suit, so you can't give your DC the life that you want them to have. Or when you've worked full time or over to pay the mortgage on your own so that your DC have a home and can go to clubs but as a consequence are stuck in after school clubs or nurseries all day every day. And when you've had nobody to share your DC's milestones or problems with because there is nobody else who really cares. Or when you've spent every weekend for years standing on the sidelines watching them play sports, and doing days out and holidays on your own with them. And when you've felt the stigma from others that 'single mums' feel every day. And when the boiler goes and you have to sort it and foot the bill on your own. And when you have to cut the grass and clean the car whilst DC hang off you bored. And on Mother's Day when there is nobody to help the DC write a card and bring you a cup of tea.

It's NOT THE SAME.

I was a single aren't for 5 yrs. Left my son father when he was a few months old.
I absolutely loved it. There were times I'd get lonely don't get me wrong but I loved my independence. No one about to interfere or do my head in.
I did what I wanted when I wanted. My son had a ball too.
I'm married now and as much as I love my husband and step kids I miss only having to worry about myself and my son. It was financially easier also as less people to sort out for birthdays and Xmas.
Enjoy having time to yourself and find out who you are again xx

Why do you need to be there for him every evening?

He’s 15

I bought up 3 kids on my own and we went on all sorts of adventures driving across Europe etc.

Two of them have now left home but I have always maintained a good social life, used to do evenings at home. Now I am trying out new things and joining new hobbies.

It’s nerve racking putting yourself out there but it’s worth it.

I think one thing that is crucial for single parents is the amount of support they do or don't get from extended family. I know a single mum with two sets of very involved grandparents...thanks to this she has lots of time off, nights out and childfree holidays. Obviously, the hardest situation is to be a single mum with no family support.

This dawned on me about a year ago and I panicked a bit that when DD leaves school and goes to college, has a PT job alongside that and then on to uni I'm going to be totally alone most days off/nights. It scared the crap out of me! Especially as most of my friends have younger children so they won't be at the same stage as me.
I then got back into a hobby I'd done before having DD, slowly, a bit at a time and have now a bigger circle of friends than last year and more invites to things too. I'm still a bit of a recluse, especially as DD is more independent now but I do go and do my own thing now and again and leave her behind. I understand your concerns, but could you start small and build confidence and trust first and then go forward?

@KateyKube

You're right, it's not a competition, and it's never good when your situation is making you lonely and unhappy.
You've received the reception you have not because you are married but can empathise with OP because of your family dynamic, but because you said you're basically a single parent.
It wasn't the day to day grind or the financial/work implications I found the hardest as having to take full responsibility for decisions for my DD such as immunisations, school to choose, health decisions etc that had a huge impact on DDs future, I found it very daunting to do all that part myself, it wasn't my life but I was making decisions without input from the other half of the equation. Yes, some single parents have that input, but I'd say that almost all married people do, there'll always be exceptions though of course. People have got angry about it because single parents mainly mums are also often given such a hard time about it too, while dealing with all that. Preconception and prejudice do play a part in how single parents are perceived that married parents don't face.

I did not have any family near by either.

Initially (I had a newborn, a 2 and a 4 year old) going on days out was incredibly lonely esp when you saw all the “normal” families and the parents who had the other parent for company.

As the kids got older I enjoyed their company more and more and I came to the realisation that we were a Family just as much as anyone else’s, we were just a different shape.

I am close with my adult children and my 17 year old son and we regularly go out for evenings to the cinema and bowling etc. I love their company.

OP, my ex left when dd was 6. I put my life on hold like you have done yours, was in low paid jobs that fitted around her. All my friends were married so I had no one to socialise with when I had any time (and everyone was too knackered to go out on a Friday night anyway).
Once she hit 15 I said ‘enough’. I was so lonely and thought life was over for me. I forced myself to go out there again. I could write a book on the disaster dates I had (oh the joy on internet dating!) but eventually 1 did click and both I and dd so much happier now - I’m calmer (so much easier, even if he’s away overnight having someone to say ‘hey, how was your day?).
What I’m trying to say very badly is you can do this, life is not over. Life has been on hold, but you can claim it back again.

You may be within spitting distance of an empty nest. I would try to make the most of it right now, because you may be rattling around missing him only a few years from now.

Oh and dd and I have a relationship that I know a lot of her friends wish they had with their parents because of that 10 years, so there are bonuses to what your life has been