To think being a single parent feel like a life sentence

[Nononoandno]

Divorced when DS was 5 (father had an affair), I’m the mum and main career of now DS15, don’t get me wrong I love him dearly but it really feels like a life sentence. His father ‘maintains’ an ‘ok’ relationship with him which consists of the odd walk with the dog or tea out but that’s it.
I feel like my life was put on hold ten years ago to the extent I’m now almost a recluse and avoid busy places/going out in the evening. It’s as if I’ve just accepted this is life and just exist day to day putting DS first with everything. Does anyone feel the same?

Was this child left on your doorstep or was it your choice to have him ? Babies are for life not just for a few months. It is up to you to take care of your offspring BUT that doesnt mean to say you have to devote every second of your life to them. Sounds like you never dealt with your divorce and just hid away, it is time to let life back in.

I also dated online and remarried two years ago

I also dated online and were in 2 long term relationships as a result (I don’t think I could marry again). But you cannot go easily from hardly any social life to dating, you need to learn to walk before you run and have plenty going on in your life before you start trying to find someone.

Online dating is brutal at times, you may be lucky and find someone nice straight away but you need a pretty thick skin, lots of positive self esteem to find some one positive (and weed the nasties out)

Agreed - online dating is not for the faint hearted or people with huge confidence issues.

Nononoandno

Despite the norm in society still to be in a couple, it’s not essential for a happy life.

I’m not sure whether you want a relationship or not but there’s so many ways you can live a fulfilled life as a single woman

KatyKube, you should go on the government benefit calculator and work out how much money from his salary your DH would have to contribute, by law, to your children's upkeep if he were to leave you. Then try and imagine running a home for you and your children. I imagine the quality of your lives would take a pretty dramatic nosedive. Do you work as well, or does your husband's job (and consequent contribution to mortgage, bills etc) mean you don't have to/can afford to be part time?

It really, really, REALLY isn't the same thing at all - so saying "I feel trapped too in my life" is fine, but saying you are "practically a single parent" is bloody ridiculous and no wonder you've been given a drubbing for it. Total lack of awareness of about 90% of the troubles single parents face specifically as single parents. Just as it would be annoying no doubt to you if someone said "my DS wakes up in the night, it's practically like having a disabled child", when you have experience of what that actually means and it is so much more than having to get up in the night.

Having said that, OP, you have one, teenage, presumably non-disabled/neurotypical child (unless there is a backstory here). You don't need to be there for him every evening - when I was 15 I spent very little time with my parents. What do you and DS do in the evenings together? What would you like to do instead?

You say in a later post you prefer not to bother - so what exactly is the problem? You aren't obliged to have a scintillating social life. If you are happy leaving it, then do. If you aren't, you are totally able to do something about it, at 15 he is practically an adult and doesn't need you to entertain him.

@KateyKube

My life was the same as yours and I told my husband he needed to change his job or I'd leave as he was contributing nothing to our lives other than money. He changed his job and life is good, you don't have to just accept it!

And also from the perspective of being in a relationship, if I lost this one no way would I be getting into another one. Don't feel like you need a relationship to fulfil you, as you have already seen they are not always an unalloyed delight!

@KateyKube I have been in a marriage similar to yours and been a single parent.

It's really not the same. I get no money from exh. He was a great parent when we were together, not so much now. His new girlfriend is the priority and ds opts to stay with me full time now.

While you can Express empathy, it's not empathetic to say it's the same when its not.

No one said leave your husband if he works long hours. But this is your life, stop being so passive and if you aren happy do something. If you genuinely think you are basically a single parent, become one. You seem to think there are loads of perks to it. So do that

Your DS is 15 not a baby, he's perfectly capable of being himself, it's your choice to never go out. I could understand if you had 4 under 10s. Encourage your son to be independent; cook his dinner etc

OP, I have a teen who needs to put the electronica away at 9.30 every night. I am also a single mother. I work full time.
I swim every Monday night, Wednesday lunchtime, Saturday morning after Parkrun. I go to pilates every Tuesday. I am doing a course on Thursday evenings (7-9). I go to a book club once a month on a Friday (7-9).

The said teen has to cook on a Thursday evening, because I’m not in till 9.10 pm. Also because I can do with the break.

I don’t have to be home every evening. Quite frankly, it’s healthy for them to have some time on their own.
Try it!

I think if you work long hours and you don’t get in till 7pm, no wonder you don’t want to go out.

My dc are younger than yours and going out is such a military operation that I almost dread it and think why am I bothering but then after I have been I am glad. So it is worth making the effort.

I have been a single parent for seven years and I found it easier in the early years tbh. I could get a babysitter, put dc to bed at 7 and then when I came back they were still asleep. I can only leave my dc for an hour or so max but looking forward to when I can have a bit more independence.

I think you should make yourself go out once a week and stop feeling the guilt and worrying about his sugar intake. From what you say he will be fine.

I'm the same, OP and I agree.

Sometimes it feels i can glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel but it vanishes again so quickly.

My situation isn't exactly typical though - abusive ex. Family and friends just fell away after separation (and some did everything they could to make me feel worse). Multiple dcs and uncertain employment situation don't help either.

I feel like single mums seem to fall into two categories: those like us who sort of shut down and live solely for their dcs after separation (probably a mechanism for self-preservation) and those who really go to town dating and moving in new partners shortly afterwards. I'd like to find some middle ground as i'm not getting any younger.

If your ds is 15 I’d say this is a situation of your own choosing, you’ve got in the habit of not going out and you need to break that now that you can. I’m a single parent (100% of the time), my eldest is nearly 15, so I can go out for a few hours here and there. It has made all the difference. When they were younger, it did feel like a life sentence.

@KateyKube
You get a lot less help than some single mothers.

Some NRP do collect their children up from school when RP is ill or stuck in work, they do have their children when RP is in hospital or when they need a break.

I know because my husband does those things and so do I got his DSS.

It’s not a race to the bottom, it’s ok for Katey AND OP to be dissatisfied.

It’s not a race to the bottom, it’s ok for Katey AND OP to be dissatisfied

Of course it is. It’s also sensible to be careful about how you express that. Coming onto a thread where the OP is struggling as a single parent to say “I’m practically a single parent but still have a husband” is fairly crass.

@KatyKube it is really really REALLY not the same! You have a partner. You have someone to make plans with, share a future with. You have the luxury of being able to choose to stay at home with your children. You have someone else to actually help with stuff and share decisions, whether it’s big stuff like mortgages, bills, deciding on whether the screaming child with a sky high temperature at 2am needs to go to A&E, or little things like making you a cup of tea, or someone to watch a box set with. Your children have both parents and aren’t scarred/ constantly disappointed by a shitty absent father. You actually have adult conversation sometimes! You don’t get turned away from letting agencies because the landlord wants a “family” or turned down by mortgage providers because they don’t accept tax credits as income. I bet you’ve never had to cancel a job interview you desperately needed and wanted because your DC threw up and couldn’t go to the childminder and there was absolutely no one else to look after them. You don’t have that constant, grinding exhaustion of having to be everything to your DC- breadwinner, cook, cleaner, caregiver, taxi driver, organiser. All coupled with the fear that once your DC grow up you’ll be facing middle/old age without a partner because you’ll basically be old, knackered and undateable! Oh, and the fact that society in general judges and hates you.

OP, it’s really hard but it is possible. I’ve been a single parent since the DC were 6 and 3. I work full time and have no family nearby. I guess I’m lucky according to some as exH has them every other weekend and he does pay maintenance. It was hard in the beginning but I really made an effort to maintain friendships, invite friends over when DC were in bed, organise days out together with friends, because I needed that adult company. I also started internet dating and have met someone lovely. Your DS is 15, he will cope perfectly well if you go out for an evening! Do it, just for your own sanity! Before you know it he will be old enough to leave home, you need to make sure you make a life for yourself.

Having said all that, it is obviously ok and completely understandable to be pissed off by a DH who doesn’t pull his weight and I am sorry you are in that situation. But it just really isn’t the same.

KatyKube seriously doubt your husband doesn't have time to pick up milk. No one is that busy.

Meeting someone and having a relationship is entirely possible although there may be obstacles. I met my husband and father of my fourth child when I was a single mum of three kids, two of them very young. I think I was lucky that I met someone who easily fit into our family from the start. It was a gamble for me to introduce him but it paid off and we're all happy.
I would hope at 15 it would be easier for you than it was for me.

it’s ok for Katey AND OP to be dissatisfied.

Yes but it's not the same situation.

And to be honest it's a bit galling to here someone compare it top being like a single parent when it's not. Some singles parents do share responsibility (note if it's the childs other parent, it's not 'helping', it's called parenting).

Lots dont. And quite frankly, when I was a single parent, if I could have not worked or worked less but had the income from another adult who I never saw, it would have been easier than it actually was. In fact if I had work full time, like I don and had the income, but not practical presence of another adult. That still would have been easier.

My husband died when my DD was kid so its not exactly she could bugger off to her dad's on a Saturday.. . She's an adult now but the weight of financial responsibility gave me huge anxiety as I am on low wage.

Katey I bet your DH's salary is much larger than pitiful Government tax credits.

Dealing with an emotional teenage girl, that has a chronic medical condition and dyslexia on your own tests your own mental health. What I will kill to have someone to share that responsibility, it was always me that had to turn up at hospital to offer emotional and physical support, be the shoulder to cry on.

Never mind the guilt that you have that your child does not have a father unlike most of her peers.

I feel those that have extremely young children At least my DD was older enough to be left alone so I could visit friends, go to the gym etc .

Online dating is not for the faint hearted. I did it following a huge weight loss so had sky high confidence at the time. I wouldn’t be able to do it nowadays, now I’ve had a baby and gained a bit of chub. It’s a tough game to play with lots of knockbacks, a bit like being an actor auditioning really...

Your DS is now old enough to be left home alone or to go and do his own thing with his friends. Use this time to find some clubs to join, ask some old friends if they’re free to go out, invite colleagues out for a drink etc. Socialising doesn’t just happen, you have to make an effort.

He's 15. He will be fine for a few hours. I left my DC (14 and 12) while I went to see my boyfriend for 2 hours on Friday night. If I hadn't told them I wad going out im not sure they'd have noticed!

I’m not a single mum and I’m not dissatisfied with my DH but to the pp saying nobody is too busy to get milk. My DH leaves the house at between 5 - 7am our local shop doesn’t open until 8. The nearest is a 15min drive. It is possible that it isn’t practical for other people.

OP is your son not ready for some time on his own? I know at 15 I loved being on my own in the house.