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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being a single parent feel like a life sentence

123 replies

Nononoandno · 30/04/2019 22:49

Divorced when DS was 5 (father had an affair), I’m the mum and main career of now DS15, don’t get me wrong I love him dearly but it really feels like a life sentence. His father ‘maintains’ an ‘ok’ relationship with him which consists of the odd walk with the dog or tea out but that’s it.
I feel like my life was put on hold ten years ago to the extent I’m now almost a recluse and avoid busy places/going out in the evening. It’s as if I’ve just accepted this is life and just exist day to day putting DS first with everything. Does anyone feel the same?

OP posts:
LetsDialDownTheIanPaisley · 30/04/2019 23:24

Katey lots of single parents don't get every Saturday off. I assume your husband also pays towards the bills? Could look after the children if you were in hospital? Can be back up if there was an emergency? Can pick up milk on his way home? Etc

LetsDialDownTheIanPaisley · 30/04/2019 23:25

Katey Sorry to hear you feel depressed though

Original poster
Nononoandno · 30/04/2019 23:26

I think it just becomes easier to just stay home, when your single going out is quite a big effort, with young kids sorting babysitter (added guilt if your working parent too). Sorting out tea, feeding/bathing kids, having own shower, hair, make up and what to wear...... Jesus after working all day it’s just to much like hard work ... getting kids in bed and PJs on is just easier and that’s why I’ve ended up a boring fart

OP posts:
Smellbellina · 30/04/2019 23:26

Of course you can feel that way Katey but it is a different situation entirely, doesn’t mean you don’t have your own struggles

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 30/04/2019 23:26

I’m a single parent of two teens. I’m in a relationship with someone not their father- we go on holidays, weekends away, nights out, cinema, meals with his family (there’s millions of them!), have lazy days and nights in. He doesn’t live with us and had no plan too. Kids really like him, and although he has none and wants none, he’s good with them- gives them money if they want to pop to the shop, will bring a pizza over and ice cream, helps them do stuff and so on.

Seriously it I can have a relationship with a very good looking guy, who’s funny, makes me laugh, sensitive, honest and kind- anyone can have one!! Just go for it!

(Disclaimer: it’s not all roses we do have our ups and downs too!)

OhMyDarling · 30/04/2019 23:27

It’s all well and good saying go out and leave him, but when you have no money, few remaining friends that are also in a position to leave their dc, and no self esteem, going out after a long period of isolation isn’t that simple!
Lone parent for 16 years. It sucks.
Kids are great, but it’s so bloody lonely (and bankrupting).

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 30/04/2019 23:27

Could you cut down your working hours? Something has to give here OP. Children, job and social life is a lot to keep up . I totally understand that get home at 7 and feel guilty leaving your son again to go out and frankly, who would want to anyway, it'd be 9pm by the time you got anywhere lol.

TheSheepofWallSt · 30/04/2019 23:27

@KateyKube

No many LPs don’t get financial support.
I don’t.
In my case the father also has no PR - can’t due to an accident that’s left him disabled. He doesn’t have capacity.
When he’s here visiting his son, I look after him too.

I’m very very sorry you’re depressed and lonely, but it’s incredibly insulting to many lone parents who are shouldering 100% of the burden of keeping a roof over a child’s head, food on the table, nursery fees paid and nurturing, loving, raising and disciplining a child completely alone - to have their situation minimised in this way.

As I say- sorry you’re going through a hard time, but please be mindful of what some might perceive to be your relative privilege.

RubberTreePlant · 30/04/2019 23:28

You're on the brink of an exciting new chapter Thanks

KateyKube · 30/04/2019 23:29

KateyKube Leave him then. If you’re already a single parent why are you staying?
So basically you’re saying if your DH works long hours you should leave him because you rarely get the chance to see him? What a stupid comment.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 30/04/2019 23:29

I totally understand where KatyKube is coming from - I've been in her position and I agree with her.

TheSheepofWallSt · 30/04/2019 23:29

And sorry to derail OP- I hope you get some balance (and find a bit of joie de vivre that makes you want it!) sure hoping I do, before much longer!

TheSheepofWallSt · 30/04/2019 23:31

@KateyKube
So he IS contributing something then? It’s just his absence for work that’s the issue?
Because if there was no contribution, there would be no reason to stay?
So just to reiterate - you really aren’t basically a lone parent.
And you’re rude.

technotstarnotechstar · 30/04/2019 23:31

Kateykube.

So your husband comes home at night so you have someone there to consult with if one of the kids get ill in the night.
If you run out of milk, you can ask him to pick them up for the morning (perhaps not always but sometimes)
He is there on Saturdays.
You have someone to share a bed with.
If you are really badly unwell, he can likely leave work a bit early / give you a lie in on Saturday.
You have someone to share the financial load with. Sounds like he works a well paid job if does long hours? So you are not always worrying about if you can afford the next school trip.

It might be hard sometimes but your reality of having is miles away from being a single parent! It is not about having someone there in the evening at tea and bedtime.

Aaaahhh!!!!!!!!

megletthesecond · 30/04/2019 23:33

I can see where katey is coming from too.
If I didn't have to work I'd have a bit of a life. But bills and health come first. I will lose my shit if anyone suggests work is stimulating or good for adult company..

KateyKube · 30/04/2019 23:34

it’s incredibly insulting to many lone parents to have their situation minimised in this way
Seriously, get over yourself. My original post expressed empathy with someone who is stuck at home every night doing all the parenting, because I’m having the same experience. It doesn’t minimise anyone else’s situation for me to say that I’m also struggling with the same issues.

Dollylolly123 · 30/04/2019 23:34

Kateykube - I said I feel like a lone parent on here once (dp is in military and away for months, even when he’s in England he’s only home at weekends) and it didn’t go down well either. You can feel totally isolated doing everything on your own all the time, my separated friend gets a lot more help than I do as she gets every other weekend off and ex is still there in an emergency etc.

TheSheepofWallSt · 30/04/2019 23:36

@KateyKube

I had some sympathy for you, as per my above, but you seem like a thoroughly unpleasant person, so I’ll leave this here. There’s no reasoning with some people...

Dollylolly123 · 30/04/2019 23:38

OP, I would take steps to try and make friends away from your son otherwise it’ll hit you even harder when he branches out on your own. Could you join a club, maybe something monthly that doesn’t take much of your time up, like a book club? Just start small and it may build your confidence getting back out there,

RubberTreePlant · 30/04/2019 23:40

Seriously, get over yourself. My original post expressed empathy with someone who is stuck at home every night doing all the parenting, because I’m having the same experience. It doesn’t minimise anyone else’s situation for me to say that I’m also struggling with the same issues.

Wow.

Are you always the self-absorbed or is your marriage making you unpleasant?

You don't honestly think having a spouse who works long hours is the SAME as being a line parent? Confused

Original poster
Nononoandno · 30/04/2019 23:41

I’m lucky In that working full time means I can keep a roof over our heads and we are ‘just’ comfortable with a few treats and a holiday. If I reduced hours everything would be a struggle and when my son leaves full time education his maintenance will stop so that will make things tighter to manage. If I started dating someone now I don’t know how I would manage to maintain a relationship so seeing someone say two nights a week, staying over at their place it’s just not possible. I’m going to just concentrate on building a bit of a plan for seeing friends a bit more and hobbies for the future when he’s even more independent.

OP posts:
Ivy44 · 30/04/2019 23:41

OP have you looked at Meetup? There are often last minute things you could join in on there.

Also, your local ramblers groups. The ones near me do short evening walks in the summer as well as longer ones at the weekend. It costs £35 a year to join and then all you need to do is show up with some boots and a snack, no need to book in advance.

JemSynergy · 30/04/2019 23:49

KateyKube I can see where you're coming from.

KateyKube · 30/04/2019 23:55

you really aren’t basically a lone parent
That’s not for you to decide. I’m entitled to feel as I wish about my own situation. And I choose to describe it to a large extent as being like a lone parent. Because I’m left to cope on my own with DC as much if not more than most lone parents.

No I don’t get to share a bed. I have to sleep with DC because of various ongoing developmental problems. No he can’t pick up milk in the morning, he doesn’t have time and the shops aren’t open that early. He gets up and goes out and that’s it. If he’s even here and not on a business trip. I would literally have to be dying before he’d be able to leave work early to take DC off my hands. I admit I do have financial support and he parents on Saturdays but that’s also the case for many lone parents. In fact many lone parents have more support than I do because they have grandparents and aunties or uncles who help.

And I reiterate - my empathy for OP’s situation and saying I feel the same way about being trapped at home every night in no way detracts from anyone else’s situation.

Cinnemom · 30/04/2019 23:58

My MIL was in nearly the indentical situation to you. FIL left her nearly 40 years ago when my DH was a toddler. She didn’t really build much a life for herself after her divorce and hasn’t had another relationship (or more kids). It’s really sad now, as time seems to have passed her by. Don’t wish away your time. Very soon your DS will have flown the nest and then there needs to be something (hobbies/friends/partner) for you to enjoy/fill time/thrive! DH and I have got our own busy lives and MIL is kind of on the periphery (we alternate family Christmas etc). I wish she had companionship in her twilight years