Husband told how to spend inheritance ( only on himself)

[paulmike]

AIBU... husband of nearly 20 years sits me down to explain that his grandfathers inheritance left to HIM.... that his parents have told him it must he spent on himself ... full disclosure, I have never lived off my husband and I owned our initial property which financed the family home ... not to drip feed, his parents are very controlling and even though he’s in his 40’s he always takes their side.. I have always worked while he’s at home drinking most nights.. out ds is now 17 .... wwud?

Toxic In-Laws, by Susan Forward. It's essential reading.

It's not the question of the inheritance that's as much the issue here; it's the implication that you're a fleecer/gold-digger/greedy/add derogatory female stereotype of choice here, that is so offensive.

My MiL used to do this. She'd send a card to DH for his birthday with money in it, wishing her darling son a wonderful day (she contacts him about twice a year) and would add an exhortation, underlined and in capitals: SPEND IT ON YOURSELF!

OK, MiL. I'm a working woman with a full-time job and a professional salary; higher, it should be pointed out, than hers. Who else is he going to spend it on but himself? Or was she suggesting I was going to filch my husband's £20 birthday voucher and buy myself a lipstick?

I hear you, OP.

There is a correlation between the length of breastfeeding a baby and whether the mothers partner's mum (if you all understand, MIL most likely or DP's mum) breastfed, not whether or not the mothers own mother breastfed. This is because partners who are unused to it, and MIL's (to use a short cut here meaning all mothers of peoples partners) who did not breastfeed are more likely to criticise or to make the mother doubt herself. Whereas a partner whose mum thinks this is the best way (because she did it) will be more supportive of the downsides of breastfeeding. That was found in research but anecdotally my DSis and I both breastfed and out mum did not - but both of our MIL's did!! My other two Dsis did not breastfeed past week 3 but neither of their MIL breastfed.

There are obviously other factors but it was found to correlate. Great that your DP is supportive - you need everyone you can have supporting you.

Sorry ignore my post - I was on another thread and ended up posting here by mistake.

@Erignon why would you care what people spend it on? You’ll be dead!

his parents are very controlling and even though he’s in his 40’s he always takes their side.. I have always worked while he’s at home drinking most nights..

wwud?

I would ask myself if I wanted to spend the next 20 years as part of this awful family.

In general... arsey & I hope your DH ignores. BUT do you actually need the money as a family? My DH inherited a bit, we just don't need it atm, and while most is saved, he has spent a bit spoiling himself. I don't have problem with that.

Unbelievable, what a selfish bunch of twats.

He’ll piss it up against the wall anyway if he’s got a drink problem. I’d be focusing on digging my tunnel if I were you, OP.

OP, you have already decided that you will be leaving next year, when you son's in uni.

You are already, to all intents and purposes, separated. So don't pay any attention to this sort of thing, and try to do your life separately from your soon to be Ex, as much as possible.

Start getting into the mindset that it's not your business.

@Ihatehashtags well it's a long story, and not one I'm minded to share as it's not really the point of my post. Just to say that however much you might want the inheritor to do something specific with the money you leave, you have no say in it whatsoever.

@annasgirl my mil I law breastfed but was very unsupportive when I breastfed anywhere other than out of sight in my bedroom. My mother didn’t breastfeed because she couldn’t. Didn’t Male any difference to me. It wouldn’t to anyone with a backbone.

Well done for your patience OP. Hang in there, not long left for you.

I can also say that sometimes it can be really statisfying to smugly think to yourself that in x amount of time you’re going to just leave and he has no idea so there! Just in case you are struggling to contain yourself.

Get rid. He can spend it on rent for his bedsit.

My parents would say this to me. The difference is they would also say it to oh. What they mean by it is treat yourself/the family, don't put it towards shopping or bills.
Good luck op I hope the future is happier for you than your marriage has been.

I think it’s the fact that he’s felt the need to sit you down to tell you that it’s his money, as stipulated by his parents.

There’s an inference that you’ve been gleefully rubbing your hands together at your imagined windfall ever since his grandfather died. Which obviously isn’t true, but it’s clearly what they think of you.

Nice people.

I’ve always kind of felt my husband should make the decisions about what any inheritance his mum leaves should be spent on: just feels like “his” money. He disagrees and says it’s ours.
Now, whether he’s saying that because my mum could potentially leave me a great deal more ..... 😂

I would ask to see the terms of the will.

His parents have no authority to override the terms of someone else's will.

I would be moving money from joint accounts slowly to build up money for a years time.
For now I wouldn't be finding any money for drink and he can spend his own money on that.

Probably x-posting with a gazillion other posters but this:

his parents are very controlling and even though he’s in his 40’s he always takes their side.. I have always worked while he’s at home drinking most nights

tells me you have a husband problem, not an in-laws problem. He needs to have your back but clearly doesn't.

@lottiegarbanzo you can't make stipulations in a will.

So it's definitely the parents, not the will?

Then the question is, what does he want to do with the money, himself? That sounds like an interesting discussion for OP to have.

“Best to separate now. Kids are not stupid, your lad must sense the unhappiness in your home”

It isn’t always so easy. In the run up to exams finding an affordable property within reach of the school or college, Major disruption to the child’s home when they are needing to be very focussed on and confident in their studies.

Plenty of people manage civilised, constructive child-facing households when the adults consider their own relationships no longer ‘live’.

Venting on MN is one thing. Keeping up a seething passive aggressive war in the home another.

I think you should stop covering for him.

I think I'd feel really hurt. I think my DH would spend his last penny on me...