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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband told how to spend inheritance ( only on himself)

149 replies

paulmike · 29/04/2019 23:14

AIBU... husband of nearly 20 years sits me down to explain that his grandfathers inheritance left to HIM.... that his parents have told him it must he spent on himself ... full disclosure, I have never lived off my husband and I owned our initial property which financed the family home ... not to drip feed, his parents are very controlling and even though he’s in his 40’s he always takes their side.. I have always worked while he’s at home drinking most nights.. out ds is now 17 .... wwud?

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 30/04/2019 08:59

Both DH and I have inherited money over the last few years and we both automatically put it in our joint savings account and discussed what to do with it, beyond weird to consider it ‘my’ money.

downcasteyes · 30/04/2019 09:00

"Really? You want your earthly goods and savings to be split in half between your descendants and their resentful partners?"

The thing is, you can't really control how people spend what you leave after you've gone. In most ordinary cases, getting married MEANS sharing assets to some extent.

ALso, I live in a family where an elderly member is trying to control how others spend their wealth when they are dead, and it is a total nightmare for everyone concerned. The person is trying to use their will to exclude people who shouldn't be excluded (they've done nothing wrong), to insist that houses are kept that no-one wants, etc etc etc

The reality is that when they die, all of us who are left money are going to put it in one big pot and divide it again, equally. Even if that means some of us get quite a bit less (this will include me).

49andFruity · 30/04/2019 09:02

In fact it makes me wonder what steps I could legally take in the future to avoid this.

This is the kind of thing my MIL would do. Even in death their wrath is the gift that keeps on giving.

TanMateix · 30/04/2019 09:04

It is not that simple. Normally a well accepted attitude to “spend it on yourself” comes with a long term high level of selfishness.

My ex had it, I didn’t realise how much money he was putting away until we divorced as he was having his cake and eating mine as well in the excuse that he didn’t have any. I wish I had paid more attention to things like this... because it was not all about the money, it was also about who was more tired to do things around the house, who deserved to disappear all the weekend to pursue a hobby or who needed to sacrifice her career taking care of a sick child while he was traveling the world progressing his.

Erignon · 30/04/2019 09:07

I have made a will recently and I wanted to include an instruction to do with what the money could / couldn't be spent on. I was told that you cannot do this. The best you can do is to write a letter accompanying the will that expresses your wishes, but it would not be legally binding. So nobody can dictate what your DH spends this inheritance on.

I hope you manage to get rid of the tosser. I can understand you not wanting to disrupt your DS's A level year, but that will be done and dusted in about 6 weeks, so get yourself down to your solicitor pronto! Good luck!

MrsSchadenfreude · 30/04/2019 09:10

I inherited £3000 from my Gran and she stipulated it should be spent on a holiday or for something lovely for me. I went on holiday to New York, stayed with friends and blew the lot. DH got a nice present. I had such a lovely time and will always remember the holiday. Didn’t think of taking DH and he didn’t think of coming! Another small inheritance went on recarpeting the flat, which I think is why my Gran wanted me to enjoy this one!

MorrisZapp · 30/04/2019 09:11

Lol, I'm not wrathful. Way too lazy for any Game of Thrones shit.

Of course I want to control how my assets are spent after I die, that's why I have a will. Its normal to plan for your loved ones benefiting. I work with wills all day, and they are often very long and very specific. It's a huge part of our culture, planning for what happens after we die.

For real punch ups, you want intestacy. Then the fun really begins.

Mildmanneredmum · 30/04/2019 09:11

chocmellow so was mine Angry

JaneEyre07 · 30/04/2019 09:16

DH had a substantial inheritance from his late DF, very unexpected as they'd not had the best of relationships over the years. I never thought it was mine or ours in any remote way, and although we've chatted about what to do with it, as far as I'm concerned any decisions are his and his alone. Just as it would be mine if I ever inherited any.

He did buy me a new car and I was completely overwhelmed and delighted as I would never have asked for it.

I can kind of see where you are coming from - you want him to spend on your family, not himself but the relationship with his parents sounds very odd. They clearly don't think much of you and that must hurt.

Burlea · 30/04/2019 09:17

MorrisZapp Blinging heck your son is not even married yet and you are already being a fun MIL. (Thinking about divorce)

BarbedBloom · 30/04/2019 09:20

I received about 20k inheritance a few years ago and put it into our joint account as we have joint finances and I saw it as our money. This is fine though as when we met DH had 15k savings and when we moved in together, used some on things for us.

But it sounds like there are much bigger issues going on here than the inheritance and it is just an example of the division between you. Believe me, staying for the kids does not benefit them and to this day I resent my mother for doing so. Personally I would be advising him to use it on sorting himself somewhere to live, or paying for a divorce, but appreciate it is not always that easy.

ButtonMoonLoon · 30/04/2019 09:21

Great.

I’d be saying ‘Absolutely. I completely agree. Which is why I’m sure you’ll be as understanding about my decision too-every penny that I earn from now onwards will be for me; I will decide what and whom to spend it on. Thank your parents from me, please-what a super idea. In fact, thinking about it some more, maybe I should be taking the equity I put into our first home out for myself too, I’ll give that some thought’.

Tinkobell · 30/04/2019 09:29

This inheritance niggle with the DH is clearly a symptom of a much bigger problem in your marriage OP. I doubt it really has very little at all to do with the £1k per se OP. The issues that I perceive behind this are:-

  1. The ILs do not like you OP and are sticking their beaks in and shit stirring
  2. Your DH is a drinker? Sounds like a bit of a spiteful waster too.
  3. there's a perception that you are a sponger. Clearly this is bullshit. Think about your future after your DS is sat his A levels OP. You do sound very self sufficient. There's a very disturbing lack of goodwill, love and kindliness needed to have a happy future.
BingandFlop2019 · 30/04/2019 09:30

Withdraw 50% from the bank and spend it on yourself

Tinkobell · 30/04/2019 09:32

Your DH and his parents sound like the kind of people who would know the price of everything, but the value of nothing. Let them stuff the £1k up where the sun doesn't shine.

Cismyfatarse1 · 30/04/2019 09:33

In a healthy marriage, the husband would derive pleasure (and therefore, effectively, be spending it on himself) from using the money to buy a shared holiday or a gift for his wife.

OP, this man doesn't sound very nice at all. I hope you have a plan to find your own space and happiness in your own time.

alreadytaken · 30/04/2019 09:33

as was mentioned upthread no will means the money went to the parents who have handed over a gift to their son with the instruction to spend it on himself. How silly of them when they could have asked what he wanted as a gift then bought it for him.

Clearly they think their son is deprived for some reason and equally clearly their son feels he cant spend money on himself without giving his wife an excuse.

Obviously an unhealthy relationship but you cant tell what is going on in anyone else's relationship even if you hear two sides of it.

HotSpotSpot · 30/04/2019 09:35

In a healthy marriage, the husband would derive pleasure (and therefore, effectively, be spending it on himself) from using the money to buy a shared holiday or a gift for his wife

In a healthy marriage the wife would derive pleasure from the husband treating himself with his grandfathers money.

(I’m playing devils advocate here! - I’d always share as would my husband)

1stTimeMama · 30/04/2019 09:37

Slightly different situation, as my Dad has always worked, my Mum part time, so their financial input has always been shared. But, when my Nan died in November, it was well known that my Mum's inheritance was hers, and not for my Dad to have a say in how it was spent. If anything had happened to my Mum before my Nan, the money would've come straight to myself and my brother. My Dad, and my Uncle's long-term girlfriend were both removed from the will so they didn't benefit.

My Mum hasn't a clue how to spend so much money, and she's not tight with it, she's paid for breaks away etc, but she won't be buying my Dad his longed for new car!

Tinkobell · 30/04/2019 09:37

We recently found out that my MIL had saved her fathers inheritance in a bank account for 20 years....a 6 figure sum. That was all well and good and her perogative except that FIL had been stressed out by money for many years... in the meantime she'd kept her savings v quiet. I'm afraid I don't really get that in a sharing kind of marriage.

Tinkobell · 30/04/2019 09:40

@HotSpot....aw come on.....making a point of sitting someone down to explicitly tell them they're not going to share. Pathetic. Like stuffing a cream cake in your gob in one go. V spiteful.

HotSpotSpot · 30/04/2019 09:46

Tinkobell
@HotSpot....aw come on.....making a point of sitting someone down to explicitly tell them they're not going to share. Pathetic. Like stuffing a cream cake in your gob in one go. V spiteful

I agree! Its clearly not a healthy relationship and it was weird and unkind to make a point of not sharing.

Branleuse · 30/04/2019 09:50

id be irritated by his parents stance, but an inheritance of 1k, id expect him to keep himself anyway, and same for you if it was yours. Id probably mention how annoying it is that his parents are so controlling though and act like youre a gold digger

eddielizzard · 30/04/2019 09:51

I'd be biding my time. You're still young. Time enough to not waste spending it with people who don't appreciate you.

MorrisZapp · 30/04/2019 09:51

I'm not being any kind of MIL, but how typical that MNers only see older women as they relate peripherally to the important people ie Wives.

I was specifically addressing the posters saying 'divorce him and take half'.

If you're anywhere near the point of divorce, then hell no. You don't get half my family's money.

Families aren't just MNers and their kids.