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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband told how to spend inheritance ( only on himself)

149 replies

paulmike · 29/04/2019 23:14

AIBU... husband of nearly 20 years sits me down to explain that his grandfathers inheritance left to HIM.... that his parents have told him it must he spent on himself ... full disclosure, I have never lived off my husband and I owned our initial property which financed the family home ... not to drip feed, his parents are very controlling and even though he’s in his 40’s he always takes their side.. I have always worked while he’s at home drinking most nights.. out ds is now 17 .... wwud?

OP posts:

Youmatter · 30/04/2019 04:14

Oh you don’t need that.

I think it’s weird behaviour to sit you down and tell you ‘now this all has to be spent on me’ sounds like a complete child.

And no. You may not be expecting anything and like many others have pointed out they wouldn’t either. But we know ourselves the first thing we’d all do if we came into some money is surprise the closest to us with a little token of appreciation and that doesn’t really cost a bloody thing if you’re thoughtful!

Whatever way you handle this know that at least one other person knows you’re better than that!

timeisnotaline · 30/04/2019 07:33

Your son is 17 so not sure why you have to stay a year. I think you should be posting about how to stay sane living with a husband you hate for another year. Because you can tell his parents he has a drinking problem, you don’t. You didn’t need to encourage him to spend a few k on himself a couple years ago, but what that really means is you 100% expect him to spend this money on himself but just want a rant. Ok, but focus on the real issue
(I thought you meant a more life changing anount than £1k when I posted first)

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 30/04/2019 07:41

For such a reletively small amount which it is, I would say nothing...it is money you never had so you won;t miss it and what is he going to do with a grand? Not much really...let him treat himself..you never know he might treat you too...

justarandomtricycle · 30/04/2019 07:43

I would let him spend the thousand pounds or so on himself, as that's what it's for, and not give it a second thought - and since it comes from the death of a grandparent, I would be at pains to make sure they didn't feel obliged to spend it on anything else.

I think in real life that's what most people would do, MN sometimes feels like a parallel universe.

downcasteyes · 30/04/2019 07:44

Fucking hell. Take half of it and divorce him!

bigbadbadger · 30/04/2019 07:53

I’d book a nice weekend break for you and DS - perhaps to visit a uni he is interested in. Pay out of family money and there’s your half :)

EleanorReally · 30/04/2019 07:57

Sounds like neither of you are in a happy place op.

Teddybear45 · 30/04/2019 08:00

Stop covering up for him. If your DH has issues that make giving him money inappropriate then his parents need to know.

DpWm · 30/04/2019 08:10

I'm another one wondering if he just made that up...

Otherwise it's unbelievably nasty of his parents to say that, and spineless of him to listen to them.

Either way, it's only £1k. Maybe you can help him buy something that will help life his depression? Like a good bike with some rainproof gear? Regular excersize / endorphins is a genuine treatment for depression. A treadmill? Something to help him get active anyway.

billybagpuss · 30/04/2019 08:10

Did you ring fence your initial deposit when you bought the family home, it must have been fairly significant?

DpWm · 30/04/2019 08:10

Lift not life.

kateandme · 30/04/2019 08:12

if your in a love patnership it would be spent on the family.that consists of you all.i cant think of any situation where i woould jut use it for me!it would be us.yeh if there was something id always wanted to do or something like buy a horse id discuss it and wed sort it out.but he too would get stuff.
surely your now a 'you' and a 'we'

kateandme · 30/04/2019 08:14

seen its 1k i think thats different.but the way its been given and with those rules and him saying it the way he has is just weird set up.not pleasatn anyway.

SignedUpJust4This · 30/04/2019 08:18

This is all him. Hes the one that wants it. If they said it expressly and he didn't want to follow their orders he probably wouldn't even mention it to you. Just put it in the family pot and do what he wants with it. How would they know? He's either passing this message on because it's what he wants and he's trying to blame his parents or he made the whole thing up.

Agree with others - this £1k is nothing compared to the state of your marriage. You obviously don't like each other.

Trustingmygut · 30/04/2019 08:18

My DP had a small inheritance once and spent every penny on himself (an unnecessary accessory for the car), no discussion with me, I had no say in it. When my parents sold their house they kindly gave me £1000, DP soon had his hand out for his share and insisted I spent it on things for the family.

Won’t make that mistake again.

cliquewhyohwhy · 30/04/2019 08:20

I'll never understand people who think staying together for the kids is for the best even though your sons father is basically a lazy worthless alcoholic you think that's a better environment for him to be around? How the hell is it?

CherryPavlova · 30/04/2019 08:23

I think for a relatively small amount like that, if he was close then maybe a nice pen or something in memory. I’d not begrudge him that and the conversation with parents would depend on the tone it was said in.
If he wasn’t particularly close we’d decide together whether to spend in a way that we remembered them and recognised their part in our lives - might be a night away somewhere pertinent, a photo shoot of the family etc.

Springwalk · 30/04/2019 08:24

You have already separated in all but name.
His parents know this as well.
The quicker you can both move on the better, everything will be affected in a negative way until you do. The inheritance is just another example of this.

If you are having to prop him up, and have been for years then his parents will soon discover what you have been going through.

Your life will only improve with change. Your ds is 17 practically an adult. I can’t think why you are staying.

ginghamtablecloths · 30/04/2019 08:25

If he is a proper grown up he should listen to his own instincts. Has he never really escaped from their apron strings?

It would be selfish for him to spend it entirely on himself.

If I was in his position I'd share it - it's simply the better way to behave when you're in a partnership, isn't it?

49andFruity · 30/04/2019 08:28

I'd smile and wave. Then I'd start taking cash out on top of my supermarket shop till I got 1K then put it aside for when I want to spend it on myself. I'd do this if I was married to a tw@t.

TanMateix · 30/04/2019 08:44

Your kid is 17, you have worked all the time, he spends all nights drinking...

Right... these £1000 spend-on-himself money give you the excuse you need to start the ball rolling to look inside yourself and ask the question “is he worth staying with?” Or “is it time to let him go?” Or even, “it us time for me to concentrate my income on my son and myself?”

Singlenotsingle · 30/04/2019 08:46

I don't really know why it's an issue. It's a miniscule amount in this day and age. When my dp inherited a few £k it went on improvements to the house; when I got my 25% out of my pension, it went on living expenses for us both. We didn't divvy the money up and say, "this is mine, this is yours".

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2019 08:48

I'm sorry but I suspect this is more about the fact your husband wishes to spend it on himself, rather than his parents have told him. He's just blaming them because he knows he's doing a shitty thing.

MorrisZapp · 30/04/2019 08:52

I'm baffled by the 'take half and divorce him' crowd. Really? You want your earthly goods and savings to be split in half between your descendants and their resentful partners?

I've only got one child. The idea of any future DIL taking half of this house after I'm gone then fucking off gives me shivers down my spine. In fact it makes me wonder what steps I could legally take in the future to avoid this.

woodcutbirds · 30/04/2019 08:52

This is interesting. DH has had some inheritance and it never occurred to me it was 'ours'. I expected him to spend it on things that were for the benefit of the family and our home, which he has done, and I'd have lost respect for him if he hadn't, but genuinely, I had no idea that legally his inheritance was 'ours'. And he didn't really discuss what 'we' should do with the money, just said, 'well that will pay for XYZ that needs doing. But I think he's also put a lot of it away into pension and investment funds I know almost nothing about. (We have separate finances.)

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