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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TO think my partner should go out and get a better job?

137 replies

Pickle2017 · 29/04/2019 14:00

So.. Long story short , I believe my partner has become way to comfortable / complacent in his current job role . He is so clever, so skilled, so confident and amazing at what he does, BUT: gets treated like shit, disrespected , and is on less than £28k to be a customer service manager... I am getting sick and tired of how he just moans about work when he comes home.. we both work full time, and I am so motivated to better myself and I am currently in the process of finding a new job.. because we really need a better wage coming in.

My partner is constantly moaning how we cant afford to do anything cause we cannot afford it, BUT IF HES GOING TO MOAN ABOUT IT, WHY NOT DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!? I just don't get it :(

He has been in this role for almost 7 years and just refuses to move on.

why ?! I just think he is lazy, but at the age of 40 and with his skill set and experience confidence , he should be on at least £40-£50k.

Please shoot me if I am being wrong or out of line. I would have no right to moan if I wasn't working, but we both work full time, and have a one year old in nursery, hence why I am working my arse off to go out there and get a better paid job.

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 29/04/2019 16:42

I'd even consider counselling yourself as I don't think you are viewing things very clearly. Your husband moaning about not having luxuries seems to me like he hasn't processed the redundancy.

Yes because with them not being able to afford any luxuries, I'm sure they have a few hundred quid a month spare for both of them to go to counseling. The MN answer to every problem.

Oly4 · 29/04/2019 16:47

Yanbu. If he can earn more and hates his job, why not push on and get another job? £28K is all relative. Where I am you’d barely be able to live on that

ilovesooty · 29/04/2019 16:50

What is there to suggest?
If you can't see that you don't know anything about the impact of life changing circumstances or have any knowledge of how to manage changing career paths.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 29/04/2019 16:51

Yanbu but everyone will tell you that you are. Wink

downcasteyes · 29/04/2019 16:51

"What suggestions are you actually offering rather than to get off his backside and look for something else?"

I see no reason to doubt the OP's statement that she's been kind and patient in listening to him whine, and in suggesting possible future courses of action.

With my exP, I spent literally HOURS patiently listening to him whinge. He came up with alternative plans, but they were ridiculous, pie-in-the-sky ideas, not serious proposals. For example, he wanted to open a games cafe - this is a guy who couldn't even make someone a cup of tea or clean a kitchen surface, let alone bake a cake, and who routinely pissed people off with his arrogance and his attitude. Hospitality was NOT his calling - in his head, it was going to be a brilliant job involving no work where he got to sit around and play Risk all day with his mates, but the reality was it would actually have bankrupted us because no-one would have entered a cafe he owned! Any sensible proposal he greeted with scorn - he was offered a FREE MBA or an MA in a whole range of useful subjects - law, project management, business etc (and a day off a week to study) by his job, and he turned it down because he basically preferred daydreaming up ridiculous plans to actually engaging with life.

At some point, you have to realise someone is just wallowing in their own misery and that nothing you say or do will help them to move on and grow up. He is now a 40-something year old man living in a houseshare with 21 year olds, writing page long Facebook posts about the latest Marvel film AND STILL WORKING IN THE SAME JOB!

ilovesooty · 29/04/2019 16:58

It also seems the dynamics of your relationship have changed. You fell in love with an older man - your manager. He earned more than you. He was successful in his field. You looked up to him and admired him I imagine.

He's lost his job. He's lost his status and the money. He's seemingly lost your respect as well - in his eyes anyway.

Yukka · 29/04/2019 17:01

Good Customer Services Managers in large corporates can earn £40k -£50k plus benefits so the OP isn't wrong there. There's a question though as to whether he's really that good given his apparant attitude, right now he doesn't have what it takes ie motivation, self starter, always looking to do things better, likes a challenge. These are the characteristics of someone that earns that kind of money, and he's simply not displaying them.

The moaning I agree with completely this drives me nuts, tell him to shut up or change his situation, his negativity can be left at the front door . . .

I don't think YABU, but you might have to accept that hes in that job for the long road. Based on what you've said about him, he doesn't have the get up and go to actually change . . .

BUT - there's no reason why you shouldn't go for it though, because you clearly do have those characteristics and you are working hard to better yourself. Keep doing this and one day you'll be the higher earner. Sometimes men are motivated by that in itself . . .

downcasteyes · 29/04/2019 17:03

I think people are missing the point that the partner is NOT happy in the lower paid job. If he were, it would be fair enough. Instead, he's coming home and moaning for hours on end about how shit things are, but refusing to do anything about it.

Everyone needs support at work sometimes, but there's a massive difference between needing a bit of a rant in a difficult situation and having to constantly support someone who is miserable yet refuses to change anything. Isn't that one of the definitions of madness? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? It's certainly maddenING for other people having to deal with the consequences.

Drogosnextwife · 29/04/2019 17:36

If you can't see that you don't know anything about the impact of life changing circumstances or have any knowledge of how to manage changing career paths.

I don't need to see it. I'm asking for your suggestions on what the OP could suggest.

ilovesooty · 29/04/2019 18:04

Sorry - I thought you were implying that there were no other suggestions that could be made. My misunderstanding.

I think I'd suggest a GP visit as the first thing. They can assess whether or not he's suffering from depression. Then an appointment with an experienced careers advisor - one who knows about redundancy and managing change. Networking with any previous contacts he has. Getting out there with LinkedIn. An overhaul of his CV. Getting registered with recruitment agencies. Any of those might be appropriate.

And yes - possibly counselling if both parties want it, or individual counselling for him if he wants it and feels he would benefit.

Ylvamoon · 29/04/2019 18:13

OP are these 40-£50k jobs actually available in your area?
Just asking, because I was made redundant... I now earn half of what I had in my previous job! (I actually stated on NMW with this company but was moved up the payscale + responsibly quickly as jobs became available... but for my current company this is pretty much it- nevertheless I am happy as it's flexible and easy boring work )
Higher paid jobs for my skill level are like rocking horse shit unless you are able to commute 90 min + each way....

OhDiddums · 29/04/2019 18:24

Once you become comfortable in a job it is so hard to get out. I'm not saying your DP enjoys his job, he's probably merely comfortable in it. He probably knows what to expect day to day. I spent 8 years in a job that I didn't enjoy because of being comfortable. Just to get the job I have now I had to jump through so many hoops. Luckily I got the job, but if I had to apply for 10 jobs or more and study the way I had to for each one there wouldn't be enough hours in the day and I'm not sure if I'd have the motivation to do so. I understand why you want your DP to better himself, but he has to be ready to take that jump OP. I would just focus on your own career and let your DP do it in his own time.

JAMMFYesPlease · 29/04/2019 18:34

I get what you're saying OP. It can be frustrating when your DP is in a job that he's clearly not happy in. But sometimes it starts to become a norm that's hard to get out of.

But if you're struggling financially on 50k between you pre-tax then either you have lots of high spending or I'd assume debts you're trying to pay down.

We've lived well on 25k between us for years. It's all about budgeting. When we find we're struggling for money, we take another look at the budget to figure out why our spending is so high. On 50k between you, unless there are high debts you're paying down or other unforeseen payments (or you're in a high cost area) you shouldn't be struggling too much.

Mammylamb · 29/04/2019 18:45

I don’t think it’s that easy to just walk into a £40k role. I got there by luck to be honest. I outearn DH, but don’t put pressure on him to earn more. We both contribute to running the family in our own way.

If you think it’s that easy to earn £40k, please go ahead and do it yourself

itwasntmeifanyoneasks · 29/04/2019 19:16

I think there should be a "this is a rant - safe space" on mumsnet.

Have a look at Ikigai OP xx

MyGastIsFlabbered · 29/04/2019 20:24

Maybe it's time for a bit of tough love OP? You've tried being supportive and offering suggestions and it's got you nowhere?

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 29/04/2019 21:07

If he's just whinging all the time but doing nothing about it then that would be annoying. I think it's ok to say to a partner "either take some steps to change thinga or please stop being so negative all the time".

However, if you would like more money you need to be making it yourself like an adult.

SalemShadow · 29/04/2019 21:32

Yabu! I can't believe your cheek. You are earning a below average wage and saying he needs to earn more money. Wow. Not sure if you are deluded or entitled? Go get a 50k job yourself if it's so easy... or hang on you can't!

Original poster
Pickle2017 · 30/04/2019 07:47

Quit the ignorance and read my whole reply and other replied or go away

OP posts:
Fiveredbricks · 30/04/2019 07:59

When you're earning as much as him OP, he wont need to get a better job will he 🤷

justarandomtricycle · 30/04/2019 08:00

Hello OP!

I understand the point you're making. It is easy for the primary or sole breadwinner to stay in a job they don't want for fear of destituting their family.

Initially it is "well I have a job, I can't afford to suddenly earn less/no money".

Then the more and more unhappy you get, the less confident you feel. The more some employers are likely to cotton onto the fact you are a bit stuck in the job and take the piss.

"I can't afford the gap" becomes an underlying feeling you will end up unemployed if you don't keep doing this job

Which in turn translates to this is what I can get -> I deserve this -> I'm working harder than I'm being paid for but I deserve to be.

The mounting desperation, collapsed confidence etc don't necessarily get expressed as anything more than low level moans out of not wanting to open an abyss of desperation for those who depend on you to see. What is important is not your own stickiness or unhappiness, it is keeping the money coming in and smiles on faces.

One of the best ways to fix this is an alternative income so you can step out of the job and have time and space to look elsewhere. This ultimately carries massive risks, though.

justarandomtricycle · 30/04/2019 08:01

Stuckness, not stickiness. Yuk

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 30/04/2019 08:06

To me this isn't about salary but he needs a job that doesn't lead to him complaining and being negative every day. This could even involve a pay cut, so you need to be earning more to enable that as at the moment he's bringing home more than you and has for a while.

Aquifolium · 30/04/2019 08:22

If people had more motivation and self worth, then there would be a lot more in the top earning bracket!

Just had to say this is total BS.

Our economy is based on low wages. It’s incredibly competitive to get the higher paid jobs.

OP, my partner used to complain about his job a lot more. I used to listen and talk some of the stressful things out with him. After a few years I couldn’t deal with carrying his emotional well-being for him. We had a few conversations about how this was affecting me. To his credit he still talks about what is going on at work, but he reins it in and tells me the interesting stuff rather than whinging about the management which is incompetent.

He is not being bullied at work, though.

junebirthdaygirl · 30/04/2019 08:32

If he is in a habit of complaining l would change my response. Don't offer any solutions. Just give him a hug and say..lm sure you will work it out. And bite your tongue.
That puts responsibility back on him. He has heard all the suggestions so when the time is right he will take a step.
Or if he is depressed he will seek help. People rarely take advice. It has to come from himself.
Meantime move on with your own life.