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Original poster

TO think my partner should go out and get a better job?

137 replies

Pickle2017 · 29/04/2019 14:00

So.. Long story short , I believe my partner has become way to comfortable / complacent in his current job role . He is so clever, so skilled, so confident and amazing at what he does, BUT: gets treated like shit, disrespected , and is on less than £28k to be a customer service manager... I am getting sick and tired of how he just moans about work when he comes home.. we both work full time, and I am so motivated to better myself and I am currently in the process of finding a new job.. because we really need a better wage coming in.

My partner is constantly moaning how we cant afford to do anything cause we cannot afford it, BUT IF HES GOING TO MOAN ABOUT IT, WHY NOT DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!? I just don't get it :(

He has been in this role for almost 7 years and just refuses to move on.

why ?! I just think he is lazy, but at the age of 40 and with his skill set and experience confidence , he should be on at least £40-£50k.

Please shoot me if I am being wrong or out of line. I would have no right to moan if I wasn't working, but we both work full time, and have a one year old in nursery, hence why I am working my arse off to go out there and get a better paid job.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 29/04/2019 16:15

Hang on I'm 40 and Iv got a degree, very experienced and Iv topped out of my pay scale band and Im on 28k.

Seniorschoolmum · 29/04/2019 16:17

I’m not vile. Have you considered that he has a miserable time at work and then comes home to someone who basically says he should be doing better.
Instead, why don’t you support him? Keep an eye out for vacancies that would suit? Help him with work related social media. Help him update his cv? Boost his confidence outside of work?

Drogosnextwife · 29/04/2019 16:21

My DP has to work 2 jobs to make what your DH makes, one full time and one part time. I think you need to give him a break.

Original poster
Pickle2017 · 29/04/2019 16:21

To those asking if he is depressed, He has the best support network around him, he is loved alot by friends and family. I understand depression , I have been there massively. I struggle with anxiety. I have spoken to him and asked him , and he is convinced he is not depressed, I have told him to go to the doctors, I cannot force him, I am not his Mum. I am trying my best with him, but when I am getting nowhere with him, what more can I do. All of my energy goes into making sure he is ok. I just don't know what to do anymore. Some of the comments on here are unbelievable. i HAVE sat down with him so many times, spoken to him in a nice calming manner,, never raised my voice , he has seemed so down for the idea of going back into an area he used to love . But the motivation just doesn't seem to be there anymore.

OP posts:
ChandelierLizzid · 29/04/2019 16:21

It's two different issues - your husband being really unhappy in his job, and the fact you think he should be paid more.

I do agree that if he is longterm unhappy in his job, it makes sense for him to look for a new one. But that may not lead to a payrise, especially if he moves to a different place of work where he is not known.

It could, however, lead to a payrise eventually if his new place of work, which hopefully is somewhere he feels valued, has opportunities for promotion.

If you want him to be happy, I think you need to be prepared for him to side step in his career, to find a workplace he feels better in. Then getting more money is next step.

It's a lot to try and get a job in a new place, on a higher salary in one go.

Original poster
Pickle2017 · 29/04/2019 16:23

Seniorschoolmum - I have done ALL OF THAT and more!! numerous times. But you have literally just jumped the bandwagon, judged me, and assumed because of my Original post, that I have not done any of that, Yes you are a vile person, what a nasty comment.

OP posts:
downcasteyes · 29/04/2019 16:24

The problem isn't his wage. The problem is his constantly whining about his job, while doing NOTHING about it. ExP was like this, and it is bloody irritating.

Before everyone leaps down my throat, of course it's normal to moan about work. We all do it sometimes. But there is a difference between the occasional and time-limited rant/moan and someone who constantly claims their job is getting them down/making them miserable, while they do nothing to improve or remedy the situation. It's incredibly frustrating to hear the same moans over and over again, and no positive action to tackle them.

I wonder if a life coach might help your partner. He clearly had more get up and go at one point!

Seniorschoolmum · 29/04/2019 16:25

So why do you think he doesn’t change job then?

Original poster
Pickle2017 · 29/04/2019 16:26

But, 50% of the complaining he does, is that he doesn't get paid enough for what he does. ( hence my original post ) oh my god, what else am I supposed to do. If I did not care, then I would walk away from this , but I care and love him , So I am here to support him and help him.

OP posts:
Acis · 29/04/2019 16:26

But what reason does he give for not following your suggestions, OP?

Original poster
Pickle2017 · 29/04/2019 16:28

He doesnt give me a reason, he just sits litstens, agrees, does nothing,.

If that is not draining, I dont know what is,

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 29/04/2019 16:32

Op why isn't he helping in the house and with the baby? If he's sitting in the sofa every night he's got time to job hunt and sort his CV

RomanyQueen1 · 29/04/2019 16:33

He obviously needs to look for another job if he isn't happy maybe tell him what a pain he is.
It really isn't about money though, it's being happy. We don't have as much money as you, but realise it's not important. You just cut your cloth accordingly.
You sound quite career driven and he seems to be slowing down ito career aspiration.
Suggest he becomes a sahp then he can do all the domestic stuff he doesn't seem to be doing now. Then you can concentrate on earning the huge salary.

Drogosnextwife · 29/04/2019 16:35

Well of you can't make him do anything about it, there not much advice anyone else can give you about what he can do. Only he can change his situation.

Teddybear45 · 29/04/2019 16:35

OP you probably need to get a bit realistic about what he can and can’t do. In this market, outside of London, a 40-50k job would have a lot of responsibility. If he can barely handle the current job he probably won’t be able to cop

harrietpn · 29/04/2019 16:35

I know you have a child to look after but that doesn't mean you should neglect your marriage. It sounds like your husband is seriously depressed. What would be better for your family is to give yourself a bit more space to support your (clearly depressed) husband - put the TV on for DC, send them out for playdates. I'd even consider counselling yourself as I don't think you are viewing things very clearly. Your husband moaning about not having luxuries seems to me like he hasn't processed the redundancy. I'd also consider calling recruitment agents yourself to get an idea of what is realistically available.

ilovesooty · 29/04/2019 16:36

He feels underpaid for what he does probably because his self esteem is shot to hell. The original redundancy was disempowering and that results in fragile and diminished motivation.

What suggestions are you actually offering rather than to get off his backside and look for something else?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 29/04/2019 16:36

He has the best support network around him, he is loved alot by friends and family.

So do I, and so am I. I still get depression. Which I have to manage for myself. My husband and friends and family can't do it for me, and you can't do it for your husband.

altiara · 29/04/2019 16:36

What about saying “oh I know you complain but you must love it otherwise you would’ve left already”.
Agree with the comments about salaries in different industries - the admin staff in my department are paid over 30k.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/04/2019 16:38

What would be better for your family is to give yourself a bit more space to support your (clearly depressed) husband - put the TV on for DC, send them out for playdate
The baby is 1!
And OP is spending all her free time trying to listen to DF and blowing up his ego, plus do all the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc. He does nothing in the house and it's still OP's fault for not tending to him more??

Drogosnextwife · 29/04/2019 16:38

I would have no patience for someone who continuously winged and cried about something that they are not even willing to try and change.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 29/04/2019 16:39

I am here to support him and help him.

You need to step back from making all this effort before your way of caring and supporting and helping becomes co-dependent. It's wearing you out to no effect.

If your DH has depression then he needs to see his doctor. And if he doesn't then you will have some hard choices to make. Flowers

Drogosnextwife · 29/04/2019 16:40

What suggestions are you actually offering rather than to get off his backside and look for something else?

What is there to suggest?

FfionFlorist · 29/04/2019 16:41

OP, you mentioned earlier in the thread that you just need to push yourself out of your comfort zone and then you'll get a better job. I would do that. Focus on yourself and your job. Don't nag your dp until you have sorted yourself out otherwise people could accuse you of hypocrisy.

ukgift2016 · 29/04/2019 16:42

28k is the average national wage but if he has the skills set and experience to earn more then yes I can see how it is frustrating.

Maybe you should step up? Your on only 22k a year. Be an independent woman.