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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TO think my partner should go out and get a better job?

137 replies

Pickle2017 · 29/04/2019 14:00

So.. Long story short , I believe my partner has become way to comfortable / complacent in his current job role . He is so clever, so skilled, so confident and amazing at what he does, BUT: gets treated like shit, disrespected , and is on less than £28k to be a customer service manager... I am getting sick and tired of how he just moans about work when he comes home.. we both work full time, and I am so motivated to better myself and I am currently in the process of finding a new job.. because we really need a better wage coming in.

My partner is constantly moaning how we cant afford to do anything cause we cannot afford it, BUT IF HES GOING TO MOAN ABOUT IT, WHY NOT DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!? I just don't get it :(

He has been in this role for almost 7 years and just refuses to move on.

why ?! I just think he is lazy, but at the age of 40 and with his skill set and experience confidence , he should be on at least £40-£50k.

Please shoot me if I am being wrong or out of line. I would have no right to moan if I wasn't working, but we both work full time, and have a one year old in nursery, hence why I am working my arse off to go out there and get a better paid job.

OP posts:
Seniorschoolmum · 29/04/2019 15:39

Rather than whinging at him, could you just stop and think.

If he has been in a job for years and years, he has been treated badly for all that time, he’s been made redundant in the past, the chances are his confidence is at an all time low. He has been criticised and undermined and made to think he isn’t worth any more.

And then he meets you ....!

Hoppinggreen · 29/04/2019 15:42

It’s ok if he wants to stay in an easy job he’s happy with, unless of course you are struggling financially and he has the ability to earn more money more easily than you do.
BUT if he expects you to listen sympathetically to how underpaid and undervalued he his while doing nothing about it then no YANBU.
He should do something about it or shut up

BlingLoving · 29/04/2019 15:42

I know a few people like this, at both the higher and lower end of the earning spectrum. And it comes down to confidence. They hate their jobs but honestly can't imagine that they are capable of anything else (better paid or not). In one case, the man's partner is tearing her hair out because her view is that he's paid SO little, that the small risk of other jobs not living up to expectations is worth it. In the other case, the man is weirdly confident in all other areas of his life but has stayed in this job for years because he honestly can't see how he could possibly get something different. He believes (wrongly) that his experience is too niche and that he has no significant achievements he can highlight (and yes, I know what I'm talking about as I do quite a lot of work around issues of recruitment, skills assessment and summarising successes).

dottiedodah · 29/04/2019 15:45

I hear you ,but its not all that easy to"get a better job on 40 or 50k Im afraid or more people would be getting one!.He probably does work hard and is good at his job ,but so are lots of people !.Job security is fragile in the current climate and he could move somewhere else and be made redundant.If he complains ,just say to him lots of people are worse off!.If you get a better job this may motivate him, but if you are managing at the moment then try to count your blessings and enjoy your little one together

RosaWaiting · 29/04/2019 15:48

Kneeljustkneel wasn't awful to you at all OP.

your update makes me wonder if he does his share of household and childcare? If he's not doing that, that's a problem. But you asked what we thought of you going on at him about having a better job....and posters have given their views.

TixieLix · 29/04/2019 15:52

I get you OP. It's tiring when someone moans on and on about something that they have the capability to do something about....but they don't do anything. The fact that he is reduced to tears though is worrying and if he hasn't already done so maybe he should visit his GP to see if he is depressed. If he is, and gets treatment, maybe it would put him in a better frame of mind to change his circumstances.

JamdaniSari · 29/04/2019 15:52

Some people just like whinging. If he hated it that much he would have got a new job, simple.

28k is a decent amount. If you want a better standard of living (which is what it sounds like) why don't you get a better paying job. That should motivate him too.

MarshaBradyo · 29/04/2019 15:55

What was he on as a consultant?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/04/2019 15:57

Some people just like whinging. Which is OK unless the person they use as their emotional sounding board can't cope with it!

It really isn't OP that needs to change, it is him. Shut up and put up or make a change. But not just continue to moan and groan when his life partner is telling him she is about spent!

Or she could just decide that hitching her wagon to a 40 year old wet lettuce isn't for her any more.... trust me. I have both been the wet lettuce and another one's sounding board. It isn't nice to live with!

Original poster
Pickle2017 · 29/04/2019 15:58

Seniorschoolmum

How heartless . Then he net me . You've actually just reduced me to tears . There are some horrible nasty people in this world you are one of them. I was never once nasty on here . I love my fiance to peices and would do anything for him . you are vile.

OP posts:
SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 29/04/2019 15:58

I think people have asked before- what degrees, masters, post grad, management qualifications and belonging to professional bodies does he have to warrant a 50k salary? Because if he don’t have those his application won’t get through the first round these days.

Acis · 29/04/2019 16:03

I can understand your husband being miserable. He dislikes his job and then comes home and gets nagged at by you. Poor sod.

Another interpretation: he dislikes his job, has spent years moaning about it, ultimately OP has suggested he do something to remedy that. What on earth is wrong with that? It's a completely sensible, logical response. If she simply said "Oh, poor, misunderstood you" every time, it wouldn't help him, would it?

ilovesooty · 29/04/2019 16:04

It sounds as though he's still struggling with the original redundancy and he's now still subject to the sense of loss and diminishment of confidence that has generated.

He might seriously not be being helped by your message that he ought to be capable of bringing more money in and not have any idea how to get back to where he was.

When do you expect to be moving up the career ladder?

VanGoghsDog · 29/04/2019 16:05

How on earth can you know how good he is at his job unless you work with him?

SleepingStandingUp · 29/04/2019 16:05

I cook I clean I wash I am a mum , I do everything for us
Well if you don't want to mother him, stop. Tell him you're back at work after May leave now and you need to redress the balance. He eeds to cook dinner X nights a week and wash up the other nights. He needs to do X bedtimes or tidy away from the day. He needs to do his share of washing and ironing. He needs to clean X rooms and you'll clean Y. Why doesn't he do his share?

Sounds like part of the problem is not only is he putting all his emotional weight into you but the physical too.

He really needs to see the GP. Crying frequently becasue work is crap but not doing anything about it isn't normal and would seriously suggest he has depression.

Honestly I would go with a mantra of "I know work is hard, have you had any lick finding anything new?"

Acis · 29/04/2019 16:06

OP, when you suggest he looks for an alternative, or that he does some training to improve his chances of getting a better job, what does he say?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 29/04/2019 16:08

He is so clever, so skilled, so confident and amazing at what he does, BUT: gets treated like shit, disrespected

Um. Who says he is clever, skilled, confident and amazing at what he does? Because if he was really all those things - especially confident - he wouldn't be getting treated like shit and disrespected. He might not be earning much more but he would have moved on where he was treated better. Something doesn't add up. He doesn't exactly sound lazy but I would take his moaning with a large pinch of salt.

Original poster
Pickle2017 · 29/04/2019 16:09

Vangoghsdog because I used to work with him that's how I met him he was my manager.

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 29/04/2019 16:09

Anyway, it's not normal for a person of 40 years old to be crying about their job into the small hours and talking about it constantly.

He sounds depressed, has he got any support or has he seen the GP?

OnGoldenPond · 29/04/2019 16:10

Kali, to be fair though, IT is generally quite different from other fields. It is all about having specific and up to date technical skills. Degrees are often out of date as soon as you graduate in this field. Also, the top developers are often paid more than their managers as it is all about ability to come up with the technical goods and the ability to relate to the rest of the human race really doesn't come into it.

In most other fields, though, degrees and professional qualifications are very important to be able to command a high salary.

GabriellaMontez · 29/04/2019 16:10

Yanbu. Sounds like he needs to spend less time complaining about his current job and more time searching and applying for new roles.

If he's been In place for 7 years it can be very hard to be promoted within. Often better to move.

Several people really haven't read the op. She is already trying to get something better. Good luck to you both.

RedBerryTea · 29/04/2019 16:11

I don't think you are being unreasonable in being frustrated that he moans and whinges about his job but fails to take any steps to address his situation. I would find it frustrating too. His salary is not the important issue here; if he could make 28k in a job he loved I'm sure you wouldn't pressurise him to leave. Sadly, at his age, there are so many young and ambitious graduates entering the job market that I think he will struggle to improve on his current salary but he could definitely improve his job satisfaction levels. Good luck with your own job search.

VanGoghsDog · 29/04/2019 16:11

Riight...you used to work with him, he was your manager, that's how you met.......he's 12 years older than you.....now you have a child together......

I can see the rose tinted spectacles from here :)

I agree with AmaryllisNightAndDay

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 29/04/2019 16:12

Oops I missed that he's actually crying, that does sound like depression. Then he's not ready to move on and up, and he needs to get professional help first.

redbedheadd · 29/04/2019 16:13

What industry are you both in? In my experience earning potential varies so greatly. Perhaps he is looking for something safe and steady having been made redundant he doesn't want to take a risk??

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