TO think my partner should go out and get a better job?

[Pickle2017]

So.. Long story short , I believe my partner has become way to comfortable / complacent in his current job role . He is so clever, so skilled, so confident and amazing at what he does, BUT: gets treated like shit, disrespected , and is on less than £28k to be a customer service manager... I am getting sick and tired of how he just moans about work when he comes home.. we both work full time, and I am so motivated to better myself and I am currently in the process of finding a new job.. because we really need a better wage coming in.

My partner is constantly moaning how we cant afford to do anything cause we cannot afford it, BUT IF HES GOING TO MOAN ABOUT IT, WHY NOT DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!? I just don't get it :(

He has been in this role for almost 7 years and just refuses to move on.

why ?! I just think he is lazy, but at the age of 40 and with his skill set and experience confidence , he should be on at least £40-£50k.

Please shoot me if I am being wrong or out of line. I would have no right to moan if I wasn't working, but we both work full time, and have a one year old in nursery, hence why I am working my arse off to go out there and get a better paid job.

If people had more motivation and self worth, then there would be a lot more in the top earning bracket!

The number of jobs in the higher tax bracket is finite. All the enthusiasm in the world is not going to change that.

Who says he ' should be on at least £40-£50k.' who or what are you comparing that too? £28k is decent income. You need to look at your outgoings if you're struggling on a 50K combined income.
Sounds like you're being a bit high and mighty to be honest. Do you think once you've obtained your new skills you'll magically walk into a 40-50k salary job?

Totally get where you are coming from OP. This is one of the many reasons my marriage failed ...the moaning but not doing anything about it to improve things (or at least enjoy the job for what it was and trying to see the positive aspects - nice people/predictable hours/permanent role etc).

Ten years after we split I am earning 3x his salary (and believe me it had taken huge effort from me to achieve this) and he is STILL MOANING about that very same job....

I'm not sure how realistic you're being about his opportunity to earn more. Anyway, that's almost beside the point. The way you're describing things, I don't get the impression he's finding your approach to be supportive.

Sometimes people want to vent about a bad day at work. It's a skill to be able to just listen without jumping in with solutions.

The desire for another job has to come from him - you can't make him want it.

Put all that energy into your own job search. Unless and until you out-earn him, it's a bit hypocritical to say he should be earning more.

I understand that you think your partner deserves 40-50k but could you explain what professional qualifications or unique skill set he has this will convince an employer of this?

If people had more motivation and self worth, then there would be a lot more in the top earning bracket!

How would that kind of economy work? Businesses with only top managers and no middle managers or workers? Or everything just more expensive?

I can understand your husband being miserable. He dislikes his job and then comes home and gets nagged at by you

I agree. What an existence for the poor bloke

If my DH was unhappy in his job I would of course encourage him to find another one but I wouldn't care about it being better paid unless we were absolutely on the breadline. In fact I would tell him that as long as we could still afford the essentials he could take a lower paid job just to get out of a job he hated. That is exactly what DH did for me last year and I am so glad he doesn't have your attitude towards my contribution to our family!

If people had more motivation and self worth, then there would be a lot more in the top earning bracket
I’m not sure you understand how the employment market works. There are a set number of jobs paying that much. You won’t often get an employer making a new highly paid job for no reason other than their employee has motivation and self worth.

What area of the UK do you live in? Makes a massive difference to salary levels.

I'm in south east, a graduate and qualified chartered accountant with 30 years experience. My salary is not a massive amount over the top end of the salary range you think your DH should be earning. Does he have comparable qualifications and experience?

It is also unlikely that one job move would get him a £22k pay rise. Though if he is unhappy and feels unappreciated in his current role he should look for another job, whether or not it results in a big pay rise. Life is too short to be miserable.

I had a partner who nagged on at me about this

I left him.

Do you actually like your partner because you sound like you don't and think he is pathetic.

Also, why haven't you immediately got to get a better paid job then?or is it just 'looking for' one that gives you the upper hand? If you think he can do a 20k salary leap up why haven't you also, if its that easy?

Have you thought he may want less responsibility/bullshit and may want to take a further pay cut? If that made him happy, would it make you happy or just more angry?

I had a similar issue with DP. Moaning about being skint, had a fairly crap job (we are only 21 mind). I told him to do something about it, he now earns only 5K a year more but absolutely ADORES his job. There's more to life than a salary, both of us love our jobs and never feels like "work".

Stop nagging him about money and encourage him to look for something he would enjoy.

Cardi, Cory, baggy.

You are all spectacularly missing the point. If you are motivated to do better, then you do whatever it takes to achieve that.
Of course being enthusiastic won't change it, individuals change it, retrain in a different field, use a bit of initiative to change to life or earning potential, whatever matters to you.
I run 5 businesses all started from scratch with no financial input from anyone. It's possible if you have the motivation.

This isn't just about being clever in a general sort of way: in many jobs, this is quite a high managerial level.

In my job, you would need not only a PhD and an international reputation but proven managerial skills. My dh, who is in the private sector and has 35 years experience in the field, manages dozens of staff and negotiates contracts worth millions- he is still not quite on 35k.

The industry certainly makes the difference though, I don’t have a degree, don’t manage anyone and have 10 years experience in an IT role. I earn more than £50k.

It is annoying when people moan about their circumstances constantly and do nothing to change them.

But everyone needs to vent. I have no idea what mine moans to me about work.. code.. stuff. But I just point my face at his and nod and say "oh wow, that sucks" for ten minutes. Then I go and do something else or change the subject. If he is moaning constantly you can say that the negativity is bringing you down and you'd rather he shared something positive with you.

Yabu, why don't you get a better job if that's easy? Maybe stop making him feel worse?

How do you think it's possible to jump from 28k to 50? There aren't many employers who would look at someone in a 28k a year role and think they could do a 50k a year role.... the salary reflects experience, responsibilities are different.

Is it call centre type customer service he does?

The thing is though. These "better' jobs don't grow on trees.

Some people on here really are unkind .

For those of you who said I moan and whinge at him and how poor he is.. I actually cane on here to do the whinging and moaning. All my love and support is exhausted into him and our son. I do everything for him and would do. Some of the support network on here is unkind .

If your husband doesn't like his job, that's one thing. You deciding he ought to be earning more money is another.

Also, if he really is literally crying about how much he hates his job, as you said in your follow-up post, then the issue is probably that he's feeling terrible about himself severely lacking in confidence, not lazy. A 'better' job at a salary of £40-50K is potentially going to be more stressful than his current one, so I'm not surprised he isn't in the right frame of mind to go out and look for a job that meets your requirements. I think you need to look at this a bit more sympathetically and help him build up his confidence, rather than making it all about the money and hinting that he's lazy.

I'm not sure where you're getting £40-50K from. It doesn't sound tremendously realistic to expect him to leap from a £28K role to a £40K one in a single career move, particularly as he's clearly struggling to cope in his current job.

Ultimately, he earns more than you do, so you're in no position to criticise. If you want someone in the household to earn £40-50K, go out and earn it yourself.

But you're beung the one being unkind?

Did you want to come on here and find support for making him feel more shit?
On the other hand Id welcome k owledge how to career change into a 40-50k job! Ij have good degrees....

You need to reframe from better paid job, to job that he might enjoy. There are two issues here, you want him to earn more money and have ambition. He hates his job and is worn down by it to the point he sounds stressed and depressed. Put your energy in getting him to a job he enjoys and he is more likely to want to go for promotions. Surely the same money with less tears and complaining is a good start. You pushing him to get a better position which he'll hate is going to get you no where!

Kneeljustkneel I think you really are awful.

He used to be in a position that bought him in a 50k wage . And he is gone down from that significantly . You really cannot judge me at all. I am exhausted from work. I cook I clean I wash I am a mum , I do everything for us , I dont gave spare time to go out , I have a partner that moans at me 're his job constantly Nd how unhappy he is. I have sat there listened , supported , cared, wiped his tears away until silly a clock in the morning .for almost 2 years . I can only take so much more , it is grinding me down and our family down. He doesn't like the money he is on , he doesn't like his job . Jesus Christ I can't mother him !! You have no right to sit there and be fucking nasty and judge me. I am 28 and he is 40.

Bollocks to l that 'poor bloke, what if he is depressed' shite.

If he is and it is a lack of job satisfaction then he needs to shut up and start using that energy to make his onw life more happy. New job, new partner eve. But focussing on the moaning isn't going to make him any happier.

If he changes jobs, earns the same money and is happier then that is a winning sitation. I would imagine OP would be delighted as all she has really complained about is that he is exhausting her emotionally!

But no! Yet again the weird MN trope about everyone having to accept shit jobs springs into action and lo! OP becomes a nasty nag!

NOBODY has to accept a job that makes them feel ill, belittled etc. Some people continue in such jobs for many reasons. But everyone can make changes, no matter how hard they are, no matter how long the process takes.

OP maybe a sit down chat. Mid term sugestions could be that once you have a better paid job he can start looking for something he would enjoy more, that would pay more, whatever his own criteria ught be. BOTH of you need to know how the other one feels, both of you need to support each other in managing expectations. He can't just stay where he is if he is feeling that badly about it, you can't be expected to keep up the support if he is just using you to vent his own disappointment. That way lies a poisoned relationship!

Good luck!

It would seem to me that the redundancy must have really dented his confidence. He is probably nervous to go for a better, higher paying job in case it doesn’t work out and he ends up unemployed again. It is so much easier to stay where he is, and just moan about it.