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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Creepy behavior from uncle

138 replies

Springtimesnow · 28/04/2019 21:23

NC'd as this could be too revealing.

I am in my mid 20s, single female. A few months ago I visited my uncle for the first time in years (he lives very far away). He is in his 60s and has children that are older than me. He is very religious and did preach to me with bible in hand a few times. His wife gave me a card and said it seemed I was 'coming to the truth'. I was polite and just explained that I was spiritual but didn't attach myself to any form of institutional religion.

Ever since, he has been texting me daily. Initially it was just generic 'how are you, how is the family' type messages. He would send religious type things too but he does this to other family members and I thought nothing of it. Since then these messages have become far more frequent and if I don't reply he keeps sending them until I do saying he 'feels like a child waiting for his mother to come home'. I just get text after text asking if I'm okay and why have I not replied etc. He messaged me yesterday saying he hopes I won't be uncomfortable but he feels he can speak to me about anything and I am the most important person in his life. He has a wife and children so I find this quite odd.

He then sent me a text saying he had been looking at my graduation photos and that he had noticed how young I was and that I was 'really something' and he loves how I think and loves me so much it makes him cry.

I have politely tried to tell him that these messages are making me uncomfortable to which he replied 'but you understand it is because it is you and you are so special to me, I am in tears now'.

AIBU to be creeped out by this? He doesn't seem to have any issues re dementia that I am aware of and I've tried to be sensitive in how I approach things as I don't want a fall out but this type of behavior isn't normal surely?

OP posts:
jinglet · 30/04/2019 13:45

Thanks @TheMaddHugger- it's bloody strange how some people operate and how they'll do anything to lure others in to their sick games/lives. Good luck OP. He he gives up and leaves you in peace.

NarcissistMum · 30/04/2019 13:57

Just block him. 101 are not going to be interested in someone in another country sending you a text message. Share what has happened with other family members, but just ignore him.

Original poster
Springtimesnow · 30/04/2019 16:32

After telling him again how uncomfortable his messages were making me, I had more messages this morning saying 'please don't give me the silent treatment, I am not being impatient but I am concerned' (because I had been ignoring his messages). 'please get in touch, I miss you, I have been so happy since I met you'.

This was the last straw for me. The whole family has been informed and shown the messages. Some say they don't want to know and it's between me and him. Most telling me just to ignore it. I feel so violated. He is actually in this country but quite some distance away thankfully. I have now made it very clear to him to stop and have told him third parties will be involved if he persists to disregard my boundaries.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 30/04/2019 16:41

Good for you.

Be ready for a backlash of you must have led him on

Sadly it always comes at the woman.

Ignore it too.

Original poster
Springtimesnow · 30/04/2019 16:45

One relative has said exactly that to my mum - that I must be leading him on! If it progressed to the point where I had to call the police, I know most of the family would turn on me as they pity him as he's quite frail for his age.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 30/04/2019 16:53

My advice is to carry on living your life well.

There will be women and girls in your family who will be afraid of speaking up (maybe with other men, not your uncle).

In my experience, a woman calling it out, being called names, being quietly determined, and the sky not falling in is extremely powerful thing for other women.

There is zero chance of him being publicly taken down or shamed but there's still a lot of good here. You know you've enforced a boundary. So does he. So do the other women who have had the same. If you don't back down but do it quietly, calmly and firmly (this happened, I warned him then I blocked him) while maintaining otherwise normal family relations that's huge for girls who fear being shunned.

It's not how it should be of course, but it is how it is.

Drum2018 · 30/04/2019 17:04

Why haven't you blocked him?? You don't need to see any more messages. To hell with what anyone else in your family thinks of you. Let them all sod off. Do not engage with him ever again. You have been advised by many posters here to block him, yet you are still messaging him. You don't need to tell him to stop as he clearly won't - you need to block and ignore him and any family who take his side.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 30/04/2019 17:18

Well done on your decisive action, Springtimesnow. And ignore nasty misogyny whichever direction it comes from.

SallyBeach · 30/04/2019 17:19

Block him and screenshot messages OP

Aeroflotgirl · 30/04/2019 17:20

You need to delete and block him now, and distance yourself from your family, as they do not have your back. They are the type of family, who supports abusers and hides abuse in the family.

CoraPirbright · 30/04/2019 17:35

Urrgh more creepy messages! Glad you have told him to big off but pretty aghast at your family’s reaction. That’s really crap of them.

Original poster
Springtimesnow · 30/04/2019 17:46

The younger generation who have young daughters have been very supportive - it's the older generation who seem to think it's me who is causing trouble. One even said 'well it's because she's such a pretty girl'

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 30/04/2019 17:49

I would also go to the Police, and go NC with your family. Abuse enablers.

Cherry4weans · 30/04/2019 17:52

Police, and if they don't do anything adult social work. Get proof you have taken action then block. This is either mental health or criminal and both need attention. Care more about yourself than the women in your life who have grown up with misogyny, blame and shame. You may be protecting his welfare or other young women perhaps of his congregation. It sounds cheesy but I am proud of you for acting rather than ignoring something so uncomfortable.

Original poster
Springtimesnow · 30/04/2019 18:05

His reply included 'I didn't know I made your life so unhappy'. I find that quite manipulative because I had already told him how uncomfortable I was and I feel like he's trying to play on my emotions. I'm not sure what the police would be able to do at the moment. They would be able to issue a PIN notice for harassment if he persists now that I have told him the messages are unwelcome but other than that I'm not sure what they can do.

OP posts:
millimollipolli · 30/04/2019 18:09

Have you blocked him yet ?

Plipplopbop · 30/04/2019 18:20

Block him now. You've told him clearly, you can see he's not stopping. Block.

wildcherries · 30/04/2019 18:28

Definitely block. And the victim-blaming from your family is so so gross!

Branleuse · 30/04/2019 18:34

ew, he is very creepy. Listen to your instincts here, and if other family members blame you, then block them too

Original poster
Springtimesnow · 30/04/2019 18:43

I've just tried and it doesn't seem that my Sony phone will block texts. I will change my number if he messages once more

OP posts:
WhoAmIToTellYou · 30/04/2019 19:02

He sounds like someone who uses religion as a way in - i wonder if he is involved with youth in his church and how many young girls he’s preaching to. I bet you are not the only one he tells they’re ‘really something’.

He being able to talk to you about anything - i read that he’s grooming you accepting more explicit inappropriate stuff later.

How close are you to this uncle, was he hands on lovely uncle when you was growing up? Perhaps you have now hit the age he finds attractive (whereas as a child you wasnt, not that it’s any better).

Be short and abrupt with him. Tell him his messages are creepy and inappropriate. Or just dont reply and ignore.

Happynow001 · 30/04/2019 20:07

I've just tried and it doesn't seem that my Sony phone will block texts. I will change my number if he messages once more
Personally I wouldn't wait as there's always the possibility he WILL contact you as he may feel strengthened by the disgusting lack of support you've received from those who should know better. I'd always be waiting for his message to appear.

Being frail hasn't stopped his behaviour has it?

If you do change your number be very careful who you give it to and tell them to NOT pass it to anyone without your express permission. Sorry you're having to deal with this OP.

Mamamiais · 30/04/2019 20:12

What phone do you have (Sony Xperia)? To block a number by typing the number
1 Find and tap .
2 Tap > Settings > Call Blocking > Add a number.
3 Enter the phone number you want to block, then tap BLOCK. Calls and texts from this number are blocked.

MitziK · 30/04/2019 20:13

If you have an Xperia,

Open up messaging.
Tap on the last message from him.
Tap the three dots on the top right of the screen.
Tap on 'block number'

TowelNumber42 · 30/04/2019 20:14

It is very unusual for a phone to not have a block number function.

A quick google gave this for a particular Sony phone. Search yours.

Touch and hold the number you want to block. Tap Block number, then tap BLOCK. Calls and texts from this number are blocked.
Blocking a number – Sony Xperia XZ support (English) - Sony Mobile ...
support.sonymobile.com › xperiaxz