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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Creepy behavior from uncle

138 replies

Springtimesnow · 28/04/2019 21:23

NC'd as this could be too revealing.

I am in my mid 20s, single female. A few months ago I visited my uncle for the first time in years (he lives very far away). He is in his 60s and has children that are older than me. He is very religious and did preach to me with bible in hand a few times. His wife gave me a card and said it seemed I was 'coming to the truth'. I was polite and just explained that I was spiritual but didn't attach myself to any form of institutional religion.

Ever since, he has been texting me daily. Initially it was just generic 'how are you, how is the family' type messages. He would send religious type things too but he does this to other family members and I thought nothing of it. Since then these messages have become far more frequent and if I don't reply he keeps sending them until I do saying he 'feels like a child waiting for his mother to come home'. I just get text after text asking if I'm okay and why have I not replied etc. He messaged me yesterday saying he hopes I won't be uncomfortable but he feels he can speak to me about anything and I am the most important person in his life. He has a wife and children so I find this quite odd.

He then sent me a text saying he had been looking at my graduation photos and that he had noticed how young I was and that I was 'really something' and he loves how I think and loves me so much it makes him cry.

I have politely tried to tell him that these messages are making me uncomfortable to which he replied 'but you understand it is because it is you and you are so special to me, I am in tears now'.

AIBU to be creeped out by this? He doesn't seem to have any issues re dementia that I am aware of and I've tried to be sensitive in how I approach things as I don't want a fall out but this type of behavior isn't normal surely?

OP posts:

TheDarkPassenger · 29/04/2019 12:31

Report it, it wouldn’t go as a crime as long as you don’t press charges, but it would go as a vulnerable adult safeguarding issue meaning he’s more likely to get any held he may need and also alert others to what he’s been doing

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 29/04/2019 12:35

Yuck. Why are you worried there’d be an argument? He isn’t worried about the fallout. I’d text him never to contact you again and then block. Creepy git.

Boysey45 · 29/04/2019 15:30

If every woman reported a relative who was a perv/made them feel uncomfortable every man in the U.K would have been reported at some point.
I think tell his wife and block him is the best course of action.

gokartdillydilly · 29/04/2019 15:33

Tell his wife and his adult kids, then block him.

snowdrop6 · 29/04/2019 15:33

Creepy bastard . Delete and block ..have no contact

Baylis · 29/04/2019 15:36

Block and delete, seriously.

Smotheroffive · 29/04/2019 15:38

That's a very poor view of men and a strange take on OPs situation that every man in the UK is a perv to someone ...no, they're not!

It's very specific boundary-crossing, repeatedly and obsessively.

Talk about minimising and normalising wow!

Iloveacurry · 29/04/2019 15:42

Honestly he sounds like a dirty old man. Tell him to do one, and block his number. He lives far away so the likelihood of seeing him again is slim.

AnnieMay100 · 29/04/2019 16:13

Cut contact. It sounds like he’s possibly having ‘flashbacks’ from the past perhaps you remind him of his brother or parents and it overwhelms him, but he’s being inappropriate and it’s not acceptable. Inform a relative why you have cut contact and let them deal with him, he isn’t your problem even if there is a mental issue at play here he has a wife for that support.

TowelNumber42 · 29/04/2019 16:22

Fear of causing upset, fear of conflict, fear of being seen as a trouble maker, these are all major contributors to abuse starting and continuing. All types of abuse. Give fewer fucks.

TowelNumber42 · 29/04/2019 16:34

I would block him immediately without announcement. You already told him he was making you uncomfortable and he told you that was irrelevant because he wants it.

If word comes through other family members that he is upset, ignore it.

I go do full on "grey rock" here.

If I felt I absolutely had to explain to family members he might use to regain contact, I'd say "yeah, he went a bit funny, started messaging me all the damn time, I told him to stop but he didn't so I had to block him, it was such a strange thing to happen." If pressured to unblock say "Maybe, I'll think about it." - vague statements people can't argue against that you can repeat easily like "Yes, I understand, like I said, I'll think about it." "I see what you mean, I'll definitely have a good think about that, thanks."

powershowerforanhour · 29/04/2019 16:36

Block, ignore, and send the messages to the police in his jurisdiction just in case he is grooming or already raping underage or mentally vulnerable people in his church.

Don't bother reporting to his church (they'll sweep it under the carpet and at most pray that Jesus makes him spontaneously stop stalking and grooming young people) or his wife (who will likely turn two blind eyes to it and at most pray to Jesus to stop her niece causing trouble).

Drum2018 · 29/04/2019 16:45

Screenshot the messages and block him. Can't understand why you haven't blocked already. Don't tell him you are blocking him. Do not engage in any messages with him ever again. Block him from phone and social media straight away and forget about the sick bastard. Tell your mother too in case he starts on her. Be thankful he lives far away.

Original poster

Springtimesnow · 29/04/2019 17:03

Thank you for all the replies. I haven't replied to any of the messages today. It's horrible to think that a relative would be so creepy and I think that's why I've been hoping it's just not what my gut is telling me! I have warned other female family members, especially ones who have daughters that are younger than me.

OP posts:

Smotheroffive · 29/04/2019 20:28

...but not the police . Why is this?

sonjadog · 29/04/2019 20:39

Because she doesn't want to, probably. Why the faces? Are people not allowed to make their own minds up about things?

I hope he leaves you alone now, OP.

jinglet · 29/04/2019 22:51

can someone explain what feels like a child waiting for his mother to come home means please?

TheMaddHugger · 30/04/2019 01:17

@jinglet My wording may be wrong but I remember from my childhood there was a saying about How the child would light up at seeing his/her Mum. The Joy makes up for child being sad missing Mum when she had to go somewhere without said child.

TheMaddHugger · 30/04/2019 01:18

@jinglet anxious and Pining for their Mum to come home

jinglet · 30/04/2019 12:41

Thanks @TheMaddHugger but how does it apply to the OP- she's his Neice? Why would he be anxious about her returning home? Sorry if I'm being dim but I just don't get it :/

TheMaddHugger · 30/04/2019 12:52

@jinglet he is saying his very existence and happiness is due to OP. And He needs her attention and "love" to be happy.

It's manipulation pure and simple

You're not being dumb, Not at all. I am not good at putting thoughts into words. I grew up around some incredibly toxic people and families. Gives me a perspective people normally wouldn't have.

I am not good at explaining what is in my head.

wowfudge · 30/04/2019 12:54

I think I would reply, "I'm your niece, not your lover. Don't contact me again." Then block his number and change your social media privacy settings so neither he nor his wife can look at your photos, etc. Makes my skin crawl. Is he is a different country? That was the impression I had from your OP.

TheMaddHugger · 30/04/2019 12:55

@jinglet OP being his niece is incidental. But he's using that 'Family' cockamamie to make her feel guilty and that she should be around because ... family

SuchAToDo · 30/04/2019 13:32

Screenshot all messages and have your other family members ask your uncle what he is playing at...

show them to his wife too , she might be unaware of him sending such creepy messages

and if his kids are adults, forward the messages to them and say please have a word with your dad, he's making me uncomfortable

jimmyhill · 30/04/2019 13:44

If you talk to the police you have to be straightforward.

You can't call 101 and "report someone as a risk"

You can report then for harassment.

The police deal with crimes.

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