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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Creepy behavior from uncle

138 replies

Springtimesnow · 28/04/2019 21:23

NC'd as this could be too revealing.

I am in my mid 20s, single female. A few months ago I visited my uncle for the first time in years (he lives very far away). He is in his 60s and has children that are older than me. He is very religious and did preach to me with bible in hand a few times. His wife gave me a card and said it seemed I was 'coming to the truth'. I was polite and just explained that I was spiritual but didn't attach myself to any form of institutional religion.

Ever since, he has been texting me daily. Initially it was just generic 'how are you, how is the family' type messages. He would send religious type things too but he does this to other family members and I thought nothing of it. Since then these messages have become far more frequent and if I don't reply he keeps sending them until I do saying he 'feels like a child waiting for his mother to come home'. I just get text after text asking if I'm okay and why have I not replied etc. He messaged me yesterday saying he hopes I won't be uncomfortable but he feels he can speak to me about anything and I am the most important person in his life. He has a wife and children so I find this quite odd.

He then sent me a text saying he had been looking at my graduation photos and that he had noticed how young I was and that I was 'really something' and he loves how I think and loves me so much it makes him cry.

I have politely tried to tell him that these messages are making me uncomfortable to which he replied 'but you understand it is because it is you and you are so special to me, I am in tears now'.

AIBU to be creeped out by this? He doesn't seem to have any issues re dementia that I am aware of and I've tried to be sensitive in how I approach things as I don't want a fall out but this type of behavior isn't normal surely?

OP posts:
Bellasorellaa · 29/04/2019 00:23

Grade A weirdo

StuckInsideAnEcho · 29/04/2019 00:24

One last message back to him saying what a PP said - that you've made yourself perfectly clear regarding your feelings on the manner in which he speaks to you as well as the frequency with which he does and with which he expects you to reply, is unwarranted and unwanted and deeply inappropriate, you now have no choice but to ask that he please refrain from any further contact via text or phone or email etc.

I've had to do this, but not with any relations. Making yourself perfectly clear then means if it continues and/ or escalates, you can speak to 101 and begin the process of logging and making it stop. Their first step is always to make sure you've told the person that their contact is unwanted and must stop.

Smotheroffive · 29/04/2019 00:26

Some seem to believe unfailingly that there is a point in communicating with a character such as this.

There isn't.

HollowTalk · 29/04/2019 00:38

Agreed. There's no point. Keep the evidence and refuse to go anywhere near him again.

StoppinBy · 29/04/2019 00:47

It's time to stop pussyfooting around and trying to keep it all polite and peaceful.

Let your Mum say something, if it causes an argument, so be it, his behaviour is disgusting and if it didn't stop immediately I would be reporting it to the police. I am also wondering if you are not the only person who has dealt with this disgusting behaviour from him.

gluteustothemaximus · 29/04/2019 00:53

This behaviour is beyond creepy.

Massive red flags.

Abusers like this get away with it, because the women in question don’t want to upset the old fella. It’s minimised, because he’s old/doesn’t mean any harm/believes in God.

He knows.

You’ve said you’re uncomfortable, yet he persists. No boundaries. You won’t have been the first.

Block. Disengage. Do not allow any family members to minimise his behaviour.

I was part of a church for years, and I personally was abused by 3 different men in that time. One was an old man. They excused his behaviour and for years I was so confused.

Under the guise of religion, men get away with so much.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 29/04/2019 00:54

He’s obsessed with you. This is all very worrying, OP. Please follow the good advice on this thread. Tell him you are going to block him. Then block him. Tell him if he contacts you again, you will notify the police.

BitOfFun · 29/04/2019 01:14

The police won't be interested, especially if he's in another country. Just tell him to fuck off and block him.

WellThisIsShit · 29/04/2019 01:21

Yes, do send that text tomorrow. You don’t have to over explain or try and make a case for why it’s wrong. He knows what he is doing even if he would never ever admit it in words.

In the approximate words of another poster on mumsnet I saw recently:

“If you catch yourself in a situation where you are having to explain / teach basic boundaries to another grown adult, then you need to STOP, and check your own boundaries. Basically, it’s a sign you’re in a situation where the power balance has gone wrong and someone is sliding through holes in your boundaries... so STOP EXPLAINING, AND RUN! Or.... block in this case.

Smotheroffive · 29/04/2019 02:32

Recently a young woman reported just six incidents. She was ignored. She was killed.

Smotheroffive · 29/04/2019 02:34

It is beyond me to know why some seek to protect this vile obsessive creep.

Report his ass.

He's refused to acknowledge your boundaries. Some don't have boundaries it seems Confused

TheMaddHugger · 29/04/2019 03:01

the thing about Dementia is that it lessens the control of what people say and do.
Somewhere in his brain he... has these thoughts. this is what he truly thinks. He just hasn't got a lid on it anymore.
Beware.
cyber (((Hug)))🔆🧡🌻

Coyoacan · 29/04/2019 03:10

Definitely. Stop being so nice to him, he has no respect, and he sees your permission to keep on texting you as permission for so much more.

TheFatberg · 29/04/2019 04:36

Just block. You don't owe him an explanation. He will only get try to minimise what he's done, ease off for a few days and then go back to it. Don't give him a second chance.

At this stage it's not a police matter. If you block him and he circumvents that somehow, maybe this will change but you have the tools to deal with this yourself right now.

Iflyaway · 29/04/2019 04:49

Total creep.

And your boundaries are far too wobbly by thinking you need to be polite to him.

Who cares if he's family? A creep is a creep and politeness towards these types is what keeps them being inappropriate.

I'd be telling him to fuck off and block him on my phone.

In fact, I'd be telling the family about him in order to protect younger females (or males).

Wouldn't surprise me if a few skeletons came rattling out of the closet. These types don't suddenly decide to get weird one day.

Smelborp · 29/04/2019 05:32

His messages are gross. Time to get firm and ask him not to contact you at all.

Sweetpea55 · 29/04/2019 05:38

Reading this is making my skin crawl.
Imagine what might happen if you did stay over..?
Put a stop to all this weirdness now. Its not normal

Boysey45 · 29/04/2019 05:56

I'd tell his wife and send all the messages to her. Then delete and block him.
You cant be having this OP, you'll end up a nervous wreck. Either hes a pervert or has some type of decline.

user1480880826 · 29/04/2019 06:14

Just block his number. He sounds unhinged. You managed without him for years so it will be no great loss if you never see him again.

DistanceCall · 29/04/2019 06:19

Send his messages to his wife and to your entire family. Then send him a message (and copy everyone in) telling him that what he's doing is unacceptable, you won't be having any more contact with him, and if he tries to get in touch in any way, you'll be going to the police.

Why do you want to avoid a fall out? This man is dangerous. If he does this to you, he can also do it to other women and girls. You need to call this creep out - silence is what protects them.

PillowTalker · 29/04/2019 06:56

If he's behaving like this with you, what's the chances he has/is doing it elsewhere.

Report to the police

SaltSpoon · 29/04/2019 07:03

You're an adult, you don't need your mum to have a word.

He's clearly a creeper. Just tell him to f off.

aprilshowers12 · 29/04/2019 07:18

Send one more message saying 'Please stop contacting me'. Then block him on everything including your mobile, email facebook etc. If he then makes contact even once again report to the police. It's then the responsibility of the police to act whereas at the moment you haven't given him a clear enough message to back off. I've been harassed in a similar way but a friends husband. It went on for too long because I was trying to be polite and actually remember not wanting to hurt his feelings!!! It only stopped once I said those words

Justonemorepancake · 29/04/2019 07:34

Reading his messages makes me feel deeply uncomfortable so can only imagine how you feel. Please don't tolerate it any longer. Horrid.

Lizzie48 · 29/04/2019 09:17

*gluteustothemaximus I’m so sorry you went through what you did, that’s awful. Flowers

My DSis and I had this same experience growing up. In our case, it was our F and others. There were others who knew and did nothing.

This is still a huge problem in independent evangelical churches. There are those who genuinely believe that reporting an abuser to the police brings God’s name into disrepute and therefore you shouldn’t do this.

A friend of mine was told this by her pastor after she had discovered that her husband had sexually abused her daughter. Oh, and apparently it was her fault for not being a good enough wife.

I think evangelical churches have a lot of repenting to do.