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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Creepy behavior from uncle

138 replies

Springtimesnow · 28/04/2019 21:23

NC'd as this could be too revealing.

I am in my mid 20s, single female. A few months ago I visited my uncle for the first time in years (he lives very far away). He is in his 60s and has children that are older than me. He is very religious and did preach to me with bible in hand a few times. His wife gave me a card and said it seemed I was 'coming to the truth'. I was polite and just explained that I was spiritual but didn't attach myself to any form of institutional religion.

Ever since, he has been texting me daily. Initially it was just generic 'how are you, how is the family' type messages. He would send religious type things too but he does this to other family members and I thought nothing of it. Since then these messages have become far more frequent and if I don't reply he keeps sending them until I do saying he 'feels like a child waiting for his mother to come home'. I just get text after text asking if I'm okay and why have I not replied etc. He messaged me yesterday saying he hopes I won't be uncomfortable but he feels he can speak to me about anything and I am the most important person in his life. He has a wife and children so I find this quite odd.

He then sent me a text saying he had been looking at my graduation photos and that he had noticed how young I was and that I was 'really something' and he loves how I think and loves me so much it makes him cry.

I have politely tried to tell him that these messages are making me uncomfortable to which he replied 'but you understand it is because it is you and you are so special to me, I am in tears now'.

AIBU to be creeped out by this? He doesn't seem to have any issues re dementia that I am aware of and I've tried to be sensitive in how I approach things as I don't want a fall out but this type of behavior isn't normal surely?

OP posts:
Springisallaround · 28/04/2019 22:34

You need to be much more direct about saying you want no more texts/messages or contact. You are saying that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, that's not enough and not clear enough.

Talk of the police is premature unless you have directly told him to stop texting you, that you want no more communication and blocked his number.

You can't be polite with rude people who only care about themselves and their needs. Imagine if your aunt saw this, it would be awful, so do everyone a favour and send a very very clear message and then block his number. If he continues after that it will then be obvious this is harassment and that's a different course of action.

Springisallaround · 28/04/2019 22:35

By the way, men like this depend on you being a polite, nice, well-brought up girl who is too polite to tell him to fuck off.

HIs behaviour is not nice, and you need to be not nice in return, for everyone's sakes.

Lizzie48 · 28/04/2019 22:37

Yes your uncle is being creepy and stalkerish. You don’t appreciate the texts, so you should make this absolutely clear to him, remind him that that his wife wouldn’t like what he was doing. If he persists, then then block him.

kateandme · 28/04/2019 22:40

keep the messages.
if ur unsure phone a help line for advice.they might be able to give you the right numbrs.
this is wrong.it doesnt just stop nor does it not esculate.

MrsCBY · 28/04/2019 22:47

Your problem is that you’re trying to be polite.

He’s not polite.

He’s creepy AF and massively inappropriate.

People like that just take “polite” as a green light to carry on being creepy and inappropriate.

Why do you think you’re obliged to be polite to him while he’s being anything but polite to you? Why don’t your needs and feelings matter as much as his? Something to think about.

Jaxhog · 28/04/2019 22:49

tell him plain and simple that his messages are making you uncomfortable and that you will not reply to future ones that are deemed uncomfortable and if he doesn't stop you will block his number. I wouldn't bother beating around the bush tbh.

I would also make it clear to him that you will call the police if he continues.

And yes, keep the messages. Just in case things get even creepier.

JamesBoredom · 28/04/2019 22:52

I know you don’t have any real frame of reference as to what he was like before but, early onset dementia?

I know that’s optimistic - it’s just such odd behaviour.

PassMeTheWine · 28/04/2019 22:59

I'd definitely tell his wife (if she doesn't know already)

I can imagine he's been doing this for a long time.
Very creepy behaviour.

Jetstream · 28/04/2019 22:59

My two uncles molested me independent of each other for years. They used to say things like ‘You mean so much to me’ and ‘I love you’. Both married with children, one is very religious. Reading your post s
Brought back some bad memories. Get someone to tell to back off and stay away from the house.

Jetstream · 28/04/2019 23:00

Oh and the wife of one uncle knew what her husband was up to and didn’t stop him.

TooManyPaws · 28/04/2019 23:06

So many weirdos claim to be religious and think that gives them some kind of right to do what the hell they like.

And a high proportion of sex offenders are involved in organised religion.

Orlandointhewilderness · 28/04/2019 23:10

'Your messages are completely unwelcome, unwanted and very inappropriate. If they do not stop now they will be reported to the police and I will block you.'

Be very clear and follow through.

Smotheroffive · 28/04/2019 23:11

Talk of police is absolutely not premature!!
What is up with people. You all find it creepy, but let's not tell the police yet, we'll tell other members of family who will do nothing to change the situationConfused
This obsessed individual overstepped boundaries long since.

Act independently of any other family.

Smotheroffive · 28/04/2019 23:12

It's not necessary when someone has behaved like this to make further steps. There is laods of evdience already, send it all in.

Serin · 28/04/2019 23:14

You need to be very forthright with him.

"Uncle John, your comments have made me feel very uncomfortable.
I do not want you to contact me again and as such I am blocking your number. If you try to contact me again, either by text, letter or in person, I will inform the police as I feel that your behaviour counts as harassment".

Springisallaround · 28/04/2019 23:16

Smotheroffive it is premature to report someone if you haven't actually told them directly you do not wish any further contact and/or blocked them. The police will expect you to have done this. Someone can't 'harass' you if you say vague things like 'this is making me a bit uncomfortable'. Being creepy is not a crime if they think the messaging is reciprocated which they will if you keep replying even if you sound a bit unhappy. The first thing to do is send a very clear and direct message to them to stop messaging! That you will not be replying in future and that all further messages will be treated as harassment.

I don't agree with bothering with other relatives, but you need to do basic things first.

brizzlemint · 28/04/2019 23:19

Take the texts to the police and show them, then block him and change your number if necessary.

Smotheroffive · 28/04/2019 23:20

We're not talking about breaking up a relationship though and getting 'harrassed'

The content is whats illegal, and there have already been sufficient messages to see that his continued contact is uncomfortable and unwanted

Report. Is all. Nothing complex. Just report as what's already gone before is illegal behaviour. Nothing else needs to be done! If it does I'm sure the police will advise further.

Fairenuff · 28/04/2019 23:28

Report to police and follow their advice.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 28/04/2019 23:34

I don't understand why people are saying report him to the police. You're an adult (not a vulnerable child) and he doesn't appear to have committed an actual crime - unless you consider his behaviour to be harassment / stalking rather than just inappropriate. However it really is creepy as fuck and you shouldn't have to put up with it. Forward the messages to his wife and tell her they are making you uncomfortable. I'm sure she'll have plenty to say to him about it. Then block him and ignore.

Original poster
Springtimesnow · 29/04/2019 00:05

I think tomorrow I will have to tell him once and for all that it can't carry on. He has just texted me 'goodnight my lover' (in another language as English is our second language).

He has been begging me to visit again soon, saying he would love me to stay over and he is dying to see me. It's all very worrying. I think I have been making excuses for him and feeling sorry for him. Thank you for all the replies Flowers

OP posts:
sprouts21 · 29/04/2019 00:12

Op why should you change your number? Just block the dirty old cretin. Thoughts of not wanting to hurt him is your female socialisation talking and he's going to continue to take advantage of this. Telling you he's in tears ect is just manipulation.

I would just block, you don't owe this old perv an explanation.

Smotheroffive · 29/04/2019 00:14

He has a sinister character that police would recognise and you are not the only one he is wholly inappropriate with.

Stop it now and report him.

You have done nothing wrong, he has

sprouts21 · 29/04/2019 00:18

Op any further contact is going to give him further opportunity to manipulate you. I think you are assuming that he doesn't know he's being offensive and you informing him will correct the behaviour.

He knows perfectly well. He knows well enough that I bet his wife knows nothing about it.

Vehivle · 29/04/2019 00:21

Ugh he sounds gross. Definitely tell him not to send any more messages.

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