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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you have a problem with your father walking you down the isle?

374 replies

trully · 28/04/2019 17:00

I have just seen the thread about asking for hand in marriage and seeing how sexist it is etc etc I do agree and I understand where it came from. However, it's the same for your father "giving you away" and walking you down the isle. Does that bother everyone too?

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 29/04/2019 11:01

Of course women are allowed to have their own choices. And equally obviously, not all choices made by women are ones that would be recognised as a feminist choice.

Sparklingbrook · 29/04/2019 11:03

And equally obviously, not all choices made by women are ones that would be recognised as a feminist choice.

It's your wedding day. Who cares? My Dad walking me down the aisle had no effect on anyone at all AFAIK let alone any feminists on MN.

AssassinatedBeauty · 29/04/2019 11:05

I'm not saying anyone cares! Do what you like.

NotMyPuppy · 29/04/2019 11:07

Really surprised by this thread. My dad walked my down the aisle and it was one of the happiest moments of my life.

If you are so troubled that ostensibly harmless traditions are historically rooted in sexism then perhaps the entire institution of marriage isn’t for you.

Alsohuman · 29/04/2019 11:07

And equally obviously, not all choices made by women are ones that would be recognised as a feminist one

Or not by the self appointed feminism police. About whom most women should not give a single fuck. They’re like every other form of extremist.

CheeseIsEverything · 29/04/2019 11:08

But I am confident that the two men involved in this scenario, my father and husband, do not view me in any way as a possession to give away. If I did have an inclining that this is the way they thought, I would make it known (and I wouldn't be marrying the guy!).

All it is to me and my Dad is support on a big day. Just like any other big event he's supported me through. I'm not promising to obey in my vows and he's not being asked to give me away. He's literally walking next to me for support because I want him to. I don't need lecturing on the previous meanings of the tradition, I'm well aware of them. But I know these men and I know that's not how they or I view it.

thecatsthecats · 29/04/2019 11:10

I think that unless you're going to properly revoke all of the traditions in one go, it's a bit rich to pick on this one.

I picked and chose what I liked out of the many, many weddings we'd attended to have a day that was personal to us. It included speeches by my husband's mum as well as my dad, and my bridesmaid as well as the best man. I didn't take my husband's name. The mums signed the register. When we have kids, we'll be taking shared parental leave.

My dad is WELL aware that he doesn't own me. Neither of us are under any illusions in that case. He didn't give me away. He was company down the aisle (which was in fact a staircase, so I was bloody glad to have someone to cling onto!).

AssassinatedBeauty · 29/04/2019 11:14

"Self appointed feminist police" is such a childish response. No one is telling anyone else what to do, or that they are wrong or a bad feminist or anything else like that. Not a single woman getting married in the UK will have even briefly considered changing her mind about being given away by her father because of someone else commenting on the feminist ideas around it.

It is just a simple point that not all choices made by women are automatically feminist choices by dint of them being made by women.

Alsohuman · 29/04/2019 11:17

Nobody said they were. It’s not a childish response at all, truth hurts, doesn’t it? Setting yourself up as the arbitrator of what is and isn’t feminism is pretty much guaranteed to elicit a harsh response.

CheeseIsEverything · 29/04/2019 11:17

No one is telling anyone else what to do, or that they are wrong or a bad feminist or anything else like that

But some posters have said pretty much this...

MashPotatoMashPotato · 29/04/2019 11:18

My husband asked my dad if he could marry me before he asked me and my dad walked me down the aisle, it's just a nice tradition!! My dad didn't seriously think he owned and and was giving me away to another man, just as my husband "asking for permission" he wasn't really asking my dad for permission to have me. I suppose he was just telling him!

My dad has always looked forward to walking his daughters down the aisle, it was a lovely moment for us.

Pinkyponkcustard · 29/04/2019 11:20

So wanting my dad to walk me down the aisle for support as he has supported me in every other endeavour in my life is my choice (which I have chosen because feminism has given me choices) but it’s not a feminist choice.

Worlds gone mad.

AssassinatedBeauty · 29/04/2019 11:22

Have they?

And I'm not in the slightest setting me or anyone else up as an arbiter of what is or isn't feminist. Not at all. There is discussion about the feminist aspects of wedding ceremonies and the choice to be given away or not. People will have different opinions.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 29/04/2019 11:24

Oh ffs

MashPotatoMashPotato · 29/04/2019 11:26

My husband asked my dad if he could marry me before he asked me and my dad walked me down the aisle, it's just a nice tradition!! My dad didn't seriously think he owned and and was giving me away to another man, just as my husband "asking for permission" he wasn't really asking my dad for permission to have me. I suppose he was just telling him!

My dad has always looked forward to walking his daughters down the aisle, it was a lovely moment for us.

PlinkPlink · 29/04/2019 11:27

My father is not the best (to put it mildly).

When I planned for a wedding, I didnt have anyone walk me down the aisle.

Why would I have my father walk me down the aisle when he very rarely even contacts me. Felt very awkward especially when my step father has been a better father figure.

Not going with either just felt right.

Different partner now but I still wouldn't want anyone to walk me down the aisle and I still wouldn't want anyone to give me away.

I'd love to walk with my son down the aisle though ❤

Confusedbeetle · 29/04/2019 11:28

It really doesn't matter what the origins of this were, you could drive yourself insane with old customs. For today's Dads, it is often a loving walk together with a daughter starting a new chapter, and may fathers are full of pride and love. Nothing more. Wals away from the modern wedding mantra " its all about Me" Symbolically for a parent the wedding is a ceremony celebrating the move from childhood to autonomy. I knw this is tricky now when women are often autonomous, have partners and often children. This blurs the lines and often makes a parent feel sidelined that the wedding is nothing to do with them . We bring up children with love and want to see them happy with the right person. Its not just a day about a bride

SargeantAngua · 29/04/2019 11:32

My fiance told my parents he wanted to ask me to marry him and asked their opinions not permission. He's in his early 40s, I'm mid 30s. We've been living together for a couple of years, and he knew that I was keen on marriage to formalise our relationship - we'd talked about it and were both on the same page. I think they all found it rather exciting and enjoyed the tradition and having a secret, while knowing that it was always our decision.

Dad will walk me down the aisle, but not give me away. Again it's a nice tradition, and given my limited mobility I'll need the arm to lean on anyway!

SargeantAngua · 29/04/2019 11:35

We bring up children with love and want to see them happy with the right person. Its not just a day about a bride

That's exactly how I feel about it and why I've enjoyed the traditions we've kept - why shouldn't my parents get to enjoy having the secret that DP wanted to propose, and why shouldn't Dad get to walk down the aisle and make a speech. It's made them happy so I'm happy.

Thunderwing · 29/04/2019 11:36

I think the worst thing is actually how they don’t put your mothers profession on the wedding certificate. So dated. Plus think of all the interesting data that’s being lost

Mum's occupation has been shown on certificates in Scotland for decades. I don't know about Wales, but England still has some very outdated rules on weddings/certificates...

At my wedding several people were 'walked' down the aisle to their seats, my db walked my gran, my nephew walked my mum etc etc. And yes, my MIL walked my DH in too. Then my DF walked me in. It was just as I wanted, and it is a treasured memory. Especially as we didn't know at the time that my DF would only live for a few more months.

Weddings are steeped in 'traditions' from all over, it's surely up to the couple to incorporate what they want into the day?

I've personally conducted several ceremonies, from the people who get married in jeans and t-shirt with strangers as witnesses, to the most traditional shindig imaginable. Everyone has different tastes/priorities. What matters is that it is what you want, and who cares if other people like it or not?

stucknoue · 29/04/2019 12:02

It's just a tradition, not compulsory at all. We told my parents we were marrying, certainly no permission sought, and yes dad walked me down the aisle but I like tradition

FuzzyShadowChatter · 29/04/2019 12:14

There are dozens of branches of feminism and movements within them. While there are major differences and some put more emphasis on agency and choice than others, none of them really define something to be feminist just because a woman chooses it, reasonable or otherwise. Something being un- or anti-feminist doesn't mean it's automatically bad for the individual or that people should be forced or oppressed to meet a particular standard, it just doesn't further the objectives typically given by one or more branches of feminism. Buying clothes from a shop with likely dodgy parts of their supply chain that often impact women more greatly in the textile industries than men likely involves unfeminist elements. Plenty of daily choices most make with the options available don't further those objectives. It's an observation, using it or taking it as a stick is separate from that.

The idea that disagreeing with one element of a tradition of questionable origins that can hardly be pinned down anymore means that one shouldn't have any element seen as traditional is a bit laughable. White dresses are a fairly new tradition comparatively and more connected to class though weird virgin ideas got attached to it in some circles. Plenty have traditions of other colours. Even in the Victorian times where the white dress as we know it now came from, there were many other colours that were seen as good or bad to get married in.

As for my wedding, neither of our fathers were involved in our wedding, I'd met his once and he met mine once the month after we married. We both wore blue as they were our best clothes, he wears a ring and I don't as jewelry aggravate the joint pain in my hands so I don't wear rings or bracelets, and I changed my entire name soon after. So, we didn't really take any of the traditions forward, but we did get married, I was 18 at the time and had spent time living with and caring for his mum and step-father, and I immigrated which while it provided me some protections I would not have otherwise, it did and continues to put me in a more vulnerable position in terms of employment, finances, and certain legalities compared to him being an immigrant spouse from that age (the age was raised not long after I did so, but younger wives particularly are often more vulnerable). I've no idea how that stacks up ideologically with different branches of feminism and I don't particularly care, but while considering and changing traditions has always happened and questioning them can lead to better things, I agree that these are pretty small fries when it comes to liberating women from social disadvantages and sexism and I don't see a father walking with his daughter down either an isle (holiday wedding?) or aisle as something to invest a much energy against.

I did hate having to have my father's name and occupation on the certificate (I wasn't sure of the latter and only realized later his name is misspelled which amuses me a bit) but I would equally if not more hated having my mother on it with her hatred of marriage and me. It does feel in this age with so many ways to check identity that things like that or the 'acceptable profession' references for passports and things are out of date and I don't think tradition or future generations potential interest in genealogy is a good enough reason to keep that.

TheBulb · 29/04/2019 12:18

Worlds gone mad

Said in the best tradition of people who can't deal with having their unthinking, reactionary assumptions questioned. Hmm

Alsohuman · 29/04/2019 12:29

Said in the best tradition of someone who knows perfectly well the roots of the tradition they’ve chosen to include in their wedding and consigned those roots to Room 101 where they belong. 😊

Pinkyponkcustard · 29/04/2019 12:42

@TheBulb

If that’s for me, then you can have my first Biscuit Not sure if it’s a feminist approved biscuit though. Soz.

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