To hate being around mothers who talk about how amazing their baby’s is

[Forumqueen]

Don’t get me wrong it’s nice that people enjoy their children. But I’m pretty sure I had PND I’ve come through it now my daughter is 2 I’ve always been honest with pretty much all my friends/ family who have children that I struggled with being bored at home during maternity leave and how difficult a high needs my baby was ect.

She’s our first so I was quite overwhelmed from the start. Anyway I was at a family bbq yesterday and as you do you get talking to Mother’s who have babies and they all can’t wait to tell me how amazing their baby is and how much they love being at home . How they are dreading going back to work and how easy and settled their child is. AIBU to think this is a little insensitive almost like their rubbing it in my face as to just how much of a failure I was with my baby (they know my struggles) I just feel so alone!

I understand this OP. I struggled massively with my first. I never went to a GP or anything but looking back I’m pretty sure I had pnd. I used to feel like the only one too. I’d see people I know who appeared to be enjoying their baby’s and I’d be thinking “how?! What’s to enjoy, this is awful” and I’d be so perplexed as to how they could enjoy it yet I couldn’t. It’s a horrible feeling.

I’m always open and honest about it too but many just wont admit it. Obviously some mums find it easier, have an easier baby and do enjoy it (it took my second, much easier, baby to come along for me to believe that though!) but so many are afraid of being judged and admitting “failure”. My sister for instance has a personality where she can never admit to being wrong about anything and will always try to shift blame etc. she struggled hugely with her first and most definitely had pnd yet she can’t admit this to anyone else as she sees it as failure and she likes people to think she has an amazing life.

You are definitely not alone and (anecdotally speaking) I’d guess you’re actually in a majority as most first time mothers seem to struggle but won’t admit it until their in a better place.

It surprised me how rigid and opinionated people are with babies.

I was regularly told my baby “should be sleeping through by now” from about 7 weeks. I was told he looked hungry, and i should wean. That i should give bottles as i was making myself a martyr and it would be best for me and baby, they’d start sleeping better, other people could “have a go” etc.

Especially if you bf, people seem determined to tell you baby isn’t getting enough or your milk isn’t good enough if they cry or don’t sleep through.

All implying that you aren’t parenting correctly and things would be much better if you did it their way.

Smile and nod. And carry on doing what works for you...

One of my NCT group kept talking about how amazing it all was the first time round, how her child was so advanced on milestones, slept well etc. I never felt that close to her because I felt like she was always showing off and I was pretty anxious. Fast forward to us both having babies the second time. She's been diagnosed with mild PND she now admits she probably had with the first, and is MUCH more honest and no more baby Olympics! We talk honestly about the hard AND the easy bits and are much closer as a result. Some people just don't like to open up to.how they are really feeling. I've found dealing with my second much easier and will.say so, but that doesn't mean I don't moan about the fact he likes to be up several times a night and is often in our bed!

Children can be more/less challenging at various stages as well. And people find different stuff challenging. I really enjoyed the newborn bit with both of my DC, it's never really bothered me getting up at night and I love having them in my bed to cuddle, it doesn't impact my sleep terribly. I haven't had screamers/reflux to deal with and the whole feed/cuddle/change is so simple. But I found the bit I'm in with DS2 now (8 months) far easier than I did with DS1, DS1 was very screechy and frustrated, DS2 is chilled out and happy. I'm sure I'll hit hard parts with him later (I think he might turn out to be more of a daredevil whereas DS1 is anxious) but having the contrast has made me see how different they can be. DS1 really, really pushed me to struggling between the ages of 3-5. He was just so full on and I honestly would have given him to another family to raise if I didn't think it would have fucked him (and me) up emotionally. He's much better now but I still have so much guilt from that time and wonder honestly if I did the best I could for him, I think probably not.

Just remembered also when I had my first baby my mum had just had one too and she coped fine, I was 21 and I remember pushing the buggy trying to get her to sleep and she wouldn't sleep and I just thought I could leave this buggy here and someone will find her and they'll be able to know what to do? I then thought no I can't and bought her back home crying again and this went on for 6 weeks we had no bond it was shit, then one night she went to sleep all the way through and I woke up panicking I'd lost her to sids because she hadn't woken up to cry and when I looked in the Moses basket she was just sleeping peacefully and I felt that rush of love finally. But it was hard so hard and I still get upset now how much I was alone and how hard I found it when everyone else was sailing through.